Lost after a loss - please share your thoughs

[bke]

I posted this in the ttc after loss forum but there is not very much action there so I decided to post here too.

I lost my son at about 21 week pregnant a few weeks ago. I have now had my first period but am an emotional mess. I grieve for what could have been and my heart aches. I have been diagnosed with postpartum depression and the doctor is a bit worried about me.

This has been a rough year. I get severe morning sickness from week 5 - 14 usually and therefore I have been little or distracted at work since may when I got pregnant. First I had bad nausea and vomiting, then few good weeks and then the horrible loss of our baby. I have returned to work but I have not until very recently been able to concentrate at all so I am not in a good place there.

Last time I met my doctor he adviced me to wait for some time ttc because of my mental health. He wants to put me on antidepressants (not to be taken when pregnant) and recommends at least 6 months up to year for me to get over the loss and establish myself in the world again, catch up on work and ect.. I get what he is thinking but the thought of becoming pregnant again is somehow the ray of hope I have been focusing on. I feel so empty when I think about letting it go for such a long time. Even though I have my two wonderful kids. But it is not good either to be doing badly at work, feeling depressed and also physically worse off than usual (I gained weight during the pregnancy I lost). My husbands wants another baby but also only wants what is best for me.

Sorry about the ramblings. I feel so lost and it is such a hard choice to decide to let got of ttc and go on medication. I feel like my baby is still waiting to join us and I will be prolonging that period. I also don´t get pregnant very easily, it took about 8 months to conceive my son.

Anyone got an advice or an opinion?

 

[Dollybird]

I had a MMC last year. Wasn't as far along as you were so my loss, although awful for me, is probably not as bad as one further on. I was desperate to conceive again. I realise now I was quite depressed I didn't know it at the time. My doctor advised me to wait but I was so determined, I felt that I too did not want to delay things. Anyways I didn't fall pregnant.. which is no surprise due to how I was feeling, /!; the doctor felt I had a luteal phase defect secondary to stress follownjbg the MC. Again he told me to wait. Again I thought I knew best, and battled on regardless. I put my life on hold. Ttc consumed me. But eventually enough was enough. Come the December me and hubby decided to stop. I needed to focus on other things and I think it took me that long to realise. So I did. I put it out my head. We redocorated, I spent time with friends, I went away a wee trip, I got a new job and focused on my career. And I felt better. In control. I realised how lost I'd been. And, then, somehow, without trying, having given up completely, we fell pregnant. Was the biggest shock ever. Over a year since my MC. So I dunno where I'm going with this really but I guess what I learned from it was the doctor was right. Getting my life back was so important and had I not I think I would not be in a good place. Having my work life back in order helped my mood enourmously and gave me new purpose, and allowing myself time to heal and move on emotionally was important, as a pregnancy before that point would've been incredibly hard. Not just for me but for my hubby too. we needed time to reconnect and be a couple again instead of just two people desperately seeking something else and forgetting to be happy with what we already had. And incidentally, for me I believe my low mood played a huge part in my failure to fall pregnant again straight away.
Anyways, only you know how you feel, and nobody can tell you what to do. I felt so angry at people when they kept telling me to wait etc.
Do what you feel is right for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you get your rainbow baby soon xxx

 

[stellababy]

so sorry for your loss... I lost my baby 4 years ago at 23 weeks. it was a very difficult time for me, and I didn't want to ttc. we decided to wait 6 months, have a good summer, enjoy time with our daughter, just to get over the loss.

after half a year passed, I was in a much better place and bought all the supplies to start ttc- OPKs, preseed, etc. and the cycle before we planned to start ttc, we had an accident and I got pregnant with my son. I still get emotional when I hear about a late or any miscarriage, I am so happy to have my amazing son, I cant imagine having another baby in his place.

I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. it does not sound like you are in a great place to ttc again after just a few weeks, hunny. I have been there and know what this kind of a loss feels like. it will get better with time. the baby you are meant to have will arrive. you need to take care of yourself and get into a better place before starting another pregnancy. best of luck with everything

 

[bke]

Thank you so much girls for taking the time to answer me. I think you are both right, I have too take care of myself before I start the journey again. I am so lucky to have my 2 babies and I enjoy them even more after this experience. I wish you all the best

 

[spunky84]

I'm so sorry for your loss

Would you be willing to go to counseling? I've had a couple of first trimester losses, and my heart can't honestly imagine how you are feeling right now. I honestly feel getting yourself into a better place mentally would probably be best, but I'm not you and only you can decide. I worry about how you would do with the whole process. I know I don't know you or how you'd cope, but ttc can be a roller coaster on its own.

I was just thinking maybe counseling (as I've found it helpful myself, not even with just loss) because it can be an excellent support system. Even if and when you do end up ttc, regardless of when, it still may be beneficial to have someone that's not emotionally involved that is there to help you cope if you're struggling at any point.

Be gentle with yourself

 

[Littleone15]

So so so sorry for your loss babe. We had the loss of our first pregnancy just on 5 months ago and I could not imagine what you must be feeling. Biggest hugs to you and yours from me and mine. I honestly found that crying and really letting myself express my sadness and grief was one of the few things that kept me level. I fell into a depression of my own and although I can't relate the same to your loss because I wasn't as far along, I can empathise with the event none the less. Will keep you in my prayers! If you ever need a random ear, feel free to message me xxx

 

[Talia12]

I think the problem is that you may not get pregnant straight away, and TTC without success will only compound your depression. hugs to you, it all sounds awful. It WILL be okay.

 

[28329]

i am so so sorry for your loss. My daughter died and was born sleeping at 41 weeks 2 years ago and only women who have gone through it can explain the pain and anguish that comes after. Grieve how you need to. There is absolutely no rules for the grieving process. After loosing my daughter i got pregnant again just 5 months later and thankfully that baby was born healthy but she nearly didn't and the rollercoster ride that was my pregnancy was difficult. I would listen to tour doctor. Get yourself better first. You will never get over it but you'll learn to deal with it every day. Go at your own pace. That dark cloud will pass eventually. That i promise you. Big hugs to you. I hope you make a decision that works for you.

 

[barkersgirl]

I can't fathom the loss and pain you're going through. Prayers for you and your family through this painful time.

Depression is real! That I can relate too, at the very least if you don't want to take his advice and the Meds ask him to recommend you to a therapist. One that specializes in this area. It helps to have a support system that has the training to know what you need in response as you progress in life with the loss and ups and downs of TTC.