Lost its sparkle :/

[AK89]

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 1/2 years now, so it's not like we were still in the throes of passion before we had DD! But the erm... intimate side of our relationship has taken a serious hit. It did when I was pregnant to be honest.. and we weren't really doing THAT great in that department anyway :/

At the start, as is the case with most people, it was amazing. We couldn't keep our hands off each other, we would DTD at least once a day, we'd go out and drink together.. The loss of the latter used to really get to me.. I used to get really bothered when we stopped going out as much. But I'm just kinda over that now.. It still bothers me a bit that we NEVER do ANYTHING together, but that's another story.. and it doesn't bother me as much as the following...

We never have sex anymore. EVER. Sure we can blame it on this and that (when I was pregnant he said he felt weird about it, since I had her I was in a lot of pain at first and we obv don't get the chance very often! And now I'm on medication that has significantly decreased my sex drive) but I can't help but feel like if he wanted it, it'd happen.

The thing is, he just doesn't seem to be that bothered He's a normal, healthy 27 year old, and for the past year or maybe longer , he just seems like he could quite happily go without indefinitely. It's always me that brings it up, and cos I've had other stuff on my plate I'm not exactly persistent/gagging for it! It's usually in a "we should really have sex soon" kinda way. I know that's not very sexy, but I just don't know how else to do it! I can't help but feel like most other men just kinda NEED sex every once in a while... or more often! Whereas we can go for weeks without even mentioning it :/

It makes me feel like shit, like I just don't do it for him anymore.

Anyone else in the same boat or have any advice? Do I bring it up, and if so, how? I mean I obviously bring it up from time to time, like I said, but I mean in a way that suggests I think there's a proper problem. Cos I do if I'm honest.. a 27 year old happily going months on end without sex seems like a problem to me But I don't wanna hurt his pride!

 

[whigfield]

I know how you feel! I have always had the higher sex drive than my OH and it used to make me really upset, especially if I got rejected - in my head I kept thinking, "most men wouldn't turn their wife down for sex! What's wrong with me? Doesn't he fancy me anymore??" but I think that's a typical female thing. We're taught growing up that boys only want one thing so when your partner suddenly isn't that bothered it's a shell shock to the system.

In the end, our drives swapped over after LO, and then we both sort of ended up wanting it around similar times. I can't help but feel a bit hurt still when I think of before, though!

The only advice I can give is to try and talk to him about it! Really, he might just have a lower sex drive from being tired at being a new parent, or maybe he's worried you'll turn him down or just won't want to? I would have said to bring it up gently/casually but it sounds like you already do that, so maybe you need to be a bit more serious? I'd just be careful not to say things like: "other men usually ___" so he doesn't feel attacked/compared.

 

[AK89]

Thanks, that's a good idea. And glad I'm not the only one!

 

[whigfield]

Good luck!

 

[stripeycat5]

My DH has a lower drive than me or he is too lazy to initiate it I'm not quite sure which! It used to get to me as well but now it doesn't bother me so much especially with two los. I got fed up of always initiating and than getting turned down and so we had a huge argument about it. He blamed it on some emotional stuff from when he was younger and that he just doesn't feel comfortable with the initiating side of things. I think I brought out the whole "other men want it all the time" card too which was bad of me.

Now I just go with the flow but I am still quite resentful of the fact that if he does initiate I never refuse whereas I still get turned down quite often. It's difficult but I agree with pp about expecting our men folk to want it all the time when in fact not all of them do! However if it is that long with your OH maybe it is time to bring it up again. The longest me and OH have gone is about 3 weeks and by that stage it was really getting to me. You don't want to lose that intimate side of your relationship completely as it is an integral part of a relationship. Try and discuss it with him without making it look like you are blaming it all on him and see where you get. Maybe schedule a date night or two?x

 

[mummy2_1]

After our lb was born we fell.into a similar situation. From experience I know the hurt when he says 'nah' 'not tonight' 'too tired' 'too busy' 'dont fancy it'

He rli just doesnt. It's not ment to hurt you, or offend you, or put you down. He just doesn't want it. Maybe bring it up and say you had a naughty dream and rli fancy some. Show your interest.rather then your concern and it might spark his.curiosity? Maybe he's worried you've gone off him.

The first time.after a long drought is Good!!

Good luck and go get some lol

 

[hanni]

Do we have the same partner?!

My OH is also 27 and we haven't had sex (if you can call it that!) In one measly 30 second attempt to get labour started at 38 weeks. And it was months before that. And, he doesn't care!!
I think tbh though we're both just too exhausted and it's the last things on our minds. Whenever we do get 10 minutes alone together we just sit and do nothing. I feel your pain! 😧

 

[alex_22]

No advise but like many ladies here (which BTW I'm glad I've come across I thought I was the ONLY girl with this problem) my oh has a pretty low sex drive he would happily go weeks without and I'm pretty sure it's laziness with him he isn't a lazy person (quite the opposite) but relationship wise he's very lazy! X

 

[sarah34]

My and oh are Opposite but after lots of discussions about it over the last year I do understand.

I've realised how important it is to go for it even if before hand you are tired etc. I always enjoy it when i get into it!

It's important to have the closeness after sex, especially after having a baby. My oh would quite happily have sex every day but we have settled for a few times a week!

I think you need to talk to him and tell him that you miss the closeness after sex and would really like to try for say once a week? In my experience once you get to once a week you'll soon start doing it more!

 

[snickersbar]

You're definitely not the only ones, it's the same here and it's now causing a big issue between us as i feel like i don't want to spend the rest of my life in a platonic relationship.

It felt like everyone else went back to a red hot sex life when the baby popped out so it is nice to know I'm not the only one :/

 

[SweetPea3200]

So glad I'm not the only one with this problem!! I honestly think after TTC we were both just too grateful to not feel the pressure anymore. Now that I'm huge, I think DH is a little weirded out by the thought of having sex.

It's strange because I don't actually have a desire for sex but I do feel like we "should" do it and I crave the closeness it provides. I think after baby comes if things don't pick up naturally, I'm going to have to start a schedule to keep me happy. It's super frustrating feeling like you're being turned down all the time when the timing just isn't right. We often expect guys to always be in the mood but they can get distracted by work, family issues, finances etc. just like us.

We've also been together for over 7 years and I honestly don't have any real suggestions. Maybe a scheduled date night would be a good idea?

 

[AK89]

Yeah I thought that but it just doesn't seem to work for us cos if we're not in the mood we're just not in the mood! A couple of times we've planned it (say if someone is babysitting DD) and when it came to it we just weren't up for it / just wanted to do something else like vegetate in front of the TV or catch up on some housework (exciting! )

I did try talking to him the other night and he just kinda felt the same way.. like we just need to try and make more time for it. It is hard I s'pose when you've got a baby to look after 24/7! By the time you've got time for it either one of you, if not both, may well just not be in the mood!

I think in hindsight I was just being a bit unreasonable/kinda sexist with the whole "he's a guy, he SHOULD want it" thing. . But it's easy to feel like that isn't it! I just think it'd be nice if he was like that.. like it'd make me feel more wanted. But that's not fair is it really? I think the problem is on both ends.. at least we both feel the same way about it and want to make a change

 

[sarah34]

Glad you talked about it. I think my problem used to be that all day you have a baby wanting your attention so when they go to bed I just wanted my own space! My lo is nearly a year old now and it has got better! X

 

[babe2ooo]

I know how your feeling since having lo we haven't really had time for sex. It's gets better trust me. With my first it was hard for the first year but your sex life gets back on track. Just give it time

 

[StranjeGirl]

You're not alone at all OP, and I think it is quite common. The only difference in our relationship is that we are older than you, and I also don't initiate because my desire has faded too! So we just blame each other rather than one being at fault lol. Honestly though, I think it is pretty normal in a long term relationship...times of desire will probably come and go depending on certain factors (stress etc). I think its a problem if he is wanting it, but just not with you. If he just doesn't want it in general then it is probably just life factors that are causing it (tired, stressed etc). Normally I am all about taking to someone, but in the past that has not worked for me in this situation. My personal opinion would be to work on the relationship first. Make time for yourselves. If you can't get out to go out for drinks etc, then make a night at home. Have a few drinks together, laugh and just reconnect. Try and do subtle things during the week to make things good. Once you have had a few good nights together just reconnecting, then try to initiate if he hasn't yet (if you do it every time you have a fun night together it won't be the same in my opinion- I would wait til you've done it a couple times and worked on the relationship first (not that there is anything "wrong" with your relationship- just a general lack of time for each other as baby sucks up all your time and energy)) If it's a bigger issue and he is interested in sex but just not with you, then I would have a talk, but if it's just tired and stressed I personally would try that first because having a talk can cause weirdness sometimes and right now you jsut want to get things back to normal. ANd it's pretty common for guys not to want to have sex during pregnancy. It's actually pretty common for them to go through phases just like we do, but everyone assumes that guys are supposed to want it all the time- I really don't think that is true for most. It comes and goes depending on a lot of things. I know my friends who have babies at home are all focusing on the baby rather than intimacy- so it definitely is not abnormal at all!