Lost my baby at 15w4d

[HBelcher33]

I had been spotting a little brown/dark red and some cramping. I called the dr's answering service (was after hours) and he said its probably my SCH resolving. I had a small one. 1cm. So i tried not to worry.

This was the weekend of the 19-20th. Monday morning i called the doctors office and they had me come in for an u/s. I went alone. Hubby was working. The u/s tech put the probe on my belly and started measuring. Baby was measuring 13w2d and she couldn't see the heart very well.

So she did a transvag u/s which i knew couldn't be good. She looked and looked no hb.

So i was taken into a room and another dr (not mine) talked to me. Then rushed me out the door.

I had to have a d & c soon he said. No other options were given to me. I was in shock so i hadn't knew what to say.

So i was anticipating a d & c the next day or the following. Then researching i decided what if i could deliver? I had d & c's before and they made me feel miserable. I was earlier on but still. So i called the drs office and they said i could if i wanted. I was rushed to get back with them about my surgery or what i was gonna do. Me and hubby couldn't decide We were rushed.

So went for the d & e that i later now regret. I asked the dr before the procedure (and i had another u/s that morning 2 days later to verify no hb once again AND get pics to keep) and asked about testing. He told me "yea, you prob won't get any answers" i asked about cremation "in the state of MI under 20 weeks you can't" later to find out this is NOT true. It was a nightmare. I wish i could've held my baby and delivered him/her at least. Instead of the brutal method that was done. If it weren't for a few friends checking on things my baby would've just been discarded. I woke up the next day at 4 am to check and decided to start calling and the hospital and say i want my baby to be cremated and tested or see if testing was done. So i had to keep going through pathology etc... and they kept saying" If we release the remains to you you know the baby isn't whole?" Yes dumby i know! Please don't remind me. I ended up calling a funeral home who agreed to pick the baby up for me so i wouldn't have to see the baby in that state. So now i wait.. for them to call me and tell me when the baby's ashes are ready and PRAY that i have some to bring home. Being that i was suppose to be 15w4d but baby was only measuring 13w2d at that time. I want something of my baby's to bring home. What a nightmare. And i have 5 other kids but it doesn't make it easy. I have 4 other angels in heaven but this is the hardest. I had felt movement and everything and had 2 recent perfect hb's and all.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so deeply sorry, I know exactly what you are going through, my story is a little different, but all the feelings are the same.

I already had 3 boys 21 19 and 12 , I got pregnant by accident at the age of 40. It was our blessing, Ava Sofia was a blessing .

I had to have Amnio so I went in with my best friend ( Thank God she was there) I was so happy, I was 22 weeks . They do a sonogram before Amnio, he did the sonogram and she was gone, no heartbeat My whole world ended that day and I am still a changed person with a BIG hole in her heart, I am the sad one everyone notices.

He checked 3 x , then I went to my OBGYN and he checked 3 more times and she was gone. He suggested a D&E so i did what he told him, he couldn't do it, I had to go to his partner who specialized in this.
I had to stay 3 days with her inside me before he was able to get me in , he got me in and put those seaweed sticks in they open the cervix so that the D&E can be performed. I went home after that, he stuck them so far up me I thought I would die, all I did was cry.

I didn't have any idea what a D&E was, 40 yrs. old I was an I had no idea what this was, my friend knew but did not tell me. Afterwards she said she just could not tell me. I was home and I googled it D&E , I was horrified, I couldn't do it. I went into labor at about 5 am and I refused to go to the Hospital, I wouldn't go and nobody was gonna make me.

I had her in my bathroom, on 3-3-2011 it was so hard and my husband saw the whole thing, it was just unreal. There was blood all over . We called the ambulance and I pushed out the placenta in the Ambulance, birth was not hard for me, I knew my labor and her delivery would be fast and it was.

We got to the hospital and held her for over an hour, she was so beautiful and so precious. They let me go 3 hrs later, i was clear and only had a little clot left in me. We buried Ava on 3/11/2011.

Please do NOT blame yourself, we listen to our doctors because we think they know best, you did what you were advised to do, if I didn't google D&E I would have done the same. it is not your fault, your baby is up there with Ava believe me.

I couldn't do the D&E and my doctor wanted to kill me, he said I could have bleed to death, i didn't care I needed Ava to be here with me, I needed her to be buried and I needed her to feel her mother. I did what I thought was best for me.

Everything will be ok, if you ever need to talk I am always around, please try to be gentle on yourself, nothing is your fault.
All My love, Andrea XOXOXOOOXOXOXOX

 

[HBelcher33]

Wow. I am so sorry. That is so hard to go through i can imagine. Im glad you ended up ok. But i totally hear you on your decision. My husband's first thought was delivery but then he said he didn't know if he could handle it. And i didn't know if I could either. I was afraid the baby wouldn't come out whole since he/she had probably died a week or 2 sooner. I know i can't go back and cant beat myself up about it. I just hope i am able to get 'some' ashes to put in a necklace to keep him/her close to my heart always. That doesn't freak me out the least bit. I still rub my belly here and there. I feel so bad. I just want my baby back.

They said 3-4 weeks for results if any. I hope to find out but not getting hopes up and i would hope to have a gender. I want to name the baby. I want to get a nice box and place things like pictures (u/s) and my hpt pics, my friend is making me a tiny blanket and hat (she lost her baby boy at 14 weeks delivered him and made him a set) so shes making me the same size since mine was around 13w2d measuring when i was suppose to be 15w4d. And any sympathy cards (I have only rec'd one ) but anything that i can keep. Trying to think of other things i can put in a box to remember my sweet one. The pregnancy journal that i had started to write in... etc...

I have 4 other angels up in heaven. They were all lost around 4-8 weeks. One was suppose to be 12 weeks but was measuring 6. Those still hurt but no where as bad as this one. After all my baby looked perfect on the u/s. Just not moving. You can even seen the heart in the u/s pic but it wasnt beating.
Oh and i have a small video that i had taken with my phone at my 8 week appt and you can see the heart beating... i look at it ever so often and just ask why it stopped?


Thank you. Im so sorry for your loss too.

 

[Lottelotte]

I am so sorry for your loss both of this angel and your others in heaven.

I hope that you get some answers in a couple of weeks. We waited 13 weeks after losing Rory to get answers and that time really dragged - i am sure they will tell you the gender. Let us know what you name your lo.


It is so very hard to have to go through this. How lovely of your friend to make you a blanket and hat. I think the memory box idea is lovely, i have one for both my babies.

I wonder so much as to why my babies hearts had to stop, they were beating one day and stopped the next - to me it doesn't make sense why some of us have o go through this and why our babies couldn't stay.

Xx

 

[SassyLou]

 

[holchris]

Your story just broke my heart. I am so so sorry for your losses. I have no words that could possibly make you feel any better. Just know that I think you are a wonderful mummy. You deserve to grieve the loss of your baby, it is your right. Please don't lose hope in trying again. The world could do with more mummy's like you

 

[3xscharmer]

I'm so sorry this had to happen to you honey I myself lost 6 before having my son Zane at 17 weeks in September and while I do have a two year old, having her doesn't take the pain away and I understand where you're coming from when you say that this one was the hardest to go through, all my early losses were from 6-11 weeks but the 11 weeks only measured about 6-7 weeks. I thought my son was it, finally going to give my miracle daughter a little miracle brother...but it didn't happen like that and yeah there was a lot of guilt at first and still is, I had my son cremated and we took him to the funeral home ourselves but I didn't have a service and I feel so bad about that, I mean what kind of loving parents don't give their baby a service? But I just couldn't, only 2 ppl knew I was pregnant until I had him and even now most of the family treats me like it never happened. It sucks and I am wishing you lots of love and support during this time. Hope you are able to find some sort of comfort and healing in the coming months. Good luck and God bless you honey. RIP sweet baby and fly high with the angels.

 

[Mahoghani]

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I found out at 16 weeks that my baby didn't have a heart beat. The funny thing is that up until the doctor turned to me and said "I don't see a heart beat" even when they went from doppler to u/s to transvaginal and brought in the OB instead of the NP, I still kept thinking that he was fine. That he was just moving too much for them to get a bead on his HB. According to the ultra sound he stopped growing at 14 weeks. Almost a week later I gave birth to him in the hospital. We couldn't go through with a D&E. I was warned how he would look and that it would be just like giving birth, all of that. But I needed to see him. Even needed to feel and remember the pain, to make him real. I will be honest, seeing him was quite traumatic for both of us. I won't go into details but babies born so early and espeacially I think because he passed almost three weeks earlier, it was hard to see him that way. But it did provide some closure. And I don't regret it. Also, from the way that he looked it confirmed to us that he had some sort of birth defect. We're certain that is why he died and knowing that helps in a way. We named him Silver Ghost. His big brother picked out his middle name. Just the sort of name a 9 year old would choose I suppose. But we like it.
I am so sorry for you loss. It does get easier eventually. You just sort of learn to take it with you and it becomes a part of you. Try to be easy on yourself for the next couple of weeks though. Spend time with your husband, take your time healing. And if you ever need to talk feel free to message me.

 

[HBelcher33]

I went for my 2 week check up and the dr was such a insensitive jerk. He did hug me when he came in. He hadn't been the one that did my d & e but he was my actual dr. I told him how i was treated and that i wasn't obviously blaming him but he was kinda cocky. He said "I had a loss of twins at 19 weeks and a loss at 21 weeks i am sensitive to this issue". Well he wasn't to mine. He acted like my baby was too small really. And i asked why more options like the option of delivery wasn't offered to me. He said he didn't know why. He wasn't the one that talked to me. I just feel like he should speak up. I would hate for another person to go through this.

I will not be going back. He wants me to come back in a month but im not.

So heartbroken. Pathology said they didn't see anything abnormal on baby. Still waiting for the chromosomal testing results to come back in another 2 weeks.

Im sorry for your losses too. No one should ever have to go through a loss. No matter what gestation. A baby is a baby.

 

[HBelcher33]

And then i go home with orders for a bunch of bw. Well i am not getting all that done being that it will cost alot of money. I have 5 kids. And hubby goes "well why would u get all that done anyways if we are done?". So now i guess we are done. Even though he said we would try again. I obviously don't know what i wanna do. Its too early.

 

[Mahoghani]

Actually, the autopsy report said "normal male." My OB told me that because he died so long before birth that the tissue was too degraded to do proper testing. I wouldn't be surprised if it was the same for your baby. I know this is hard to hear but the chromosomal studies might not give you any answers for the same reasons. Hopefully though they'll be able to provide you with a sex. Silver was very obviously a boy. That's one of the reasons I'm glad that we got to see him. He was deformed in a very obvious way. It told us for sure that the trisomy 18 that showed up on my 16 week screenings was what happened. It also gave us the peace of mind to know that it wasn't our fault, it wasn't anything I did. I didn't do this to my baby. Chromosomal abnormalities are just something that happens sometimes. And my OB told me that it isn't any more likely to happen a second time than it would be to happen to anyone else. Which helped.

I am so sorry for your experience with that doctor. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your baby wasn't a baby because he or she was too small. Silver was tiny, so tiny that I was afraid to pick him up or touch him, he looked so fragile. Had I picked him up he'd have fit easily into the palm of my hand. But he was a baby. I felt him move before he died. I sang to him, dreamed of him and loved him even before he was born. And when he died my heart broke. I love and miss him still. Your baby was very close to the same age. I can tell you from my personal experience that he or she did look like a very very small baby. Perhaps not pink cheeked and plump like full term babies, but a baby just the same.
As for trying again, I lost Silver over 4 months ago and I'm still not quite ready to try again. We have decided that we want to. But the fear remains. I think I'm waiting for his due date to pass. He would have been full term on March 3rd. Give yourself time. The day I got out of the hospital I told my husband I didn't want any more babies. That I just couldn't do it again. Now, four months later I know I do want to try again. I'm just waiting for the courage. You don't know how you'll feel after the dust settles. Or your husband. lol. Contrary to popular belief men are just as wishy washy as women.
Keeping you in my thoughts. I'm here if you need to talk.

 

[Mahoghani]

I don't know if this will help you at all. I've placed an order request for a doll to put in my son's keep sake box. She makes dolls as small as 13 weeks. The dolls are made to match the exact size and weight of your baby. They're darling and very affordable. I know it can't make up for never getting to hold your baby but I thought it might help. For some reason it helps me.
https://angelinmyarmsdolls.webs.com/