Low Sex Drive??

[NavyWife84]

So, my DH and I have both always had very low sex drives. Even before we were TTC, we didn't have sex on our priority list. It was always something that just happened every once in a while...we could both take it or leave it. It isn't that we don't enjoy it when we do bd, we truely do, but we just don't do it very often. And we do love each other very much. We are completely happy with each other and our lives (except for the emptiness where a baby should be). I thought my low sex drive was due to my BCP or my antidepressants and it would come back when I got off of them. I have been off of both things for over a year and still no sex drive...

When we started TTC, we first just tried to hit the o days. Then we moved to every other day and every day when I oed. But it is such a chore! I am beginning to hate bding and feel like it is pointless. I get so frustrated because the only thing making me want to bd is my want for a baby. When I am depressed about not having a baby and dealing with infertility, I don't even want to try, especially with no sex drive. It doesn't help that dh has a low sex drive as well, so when he doesn't want to, it is that harder for us to get the energy to bd. Most men are so excited about TTC because it means they get more sex...not my hubby!

We've tried lingire, sex toys, dirty movies, you name it. None of this appeals to us and it makes sex uncomfortable. We are both very simple and bashful. Is anyone else in the same boat? How do you keep TTC? How do you not end up hateing bding? Ugh...I'm so frustrated!

 

[readyformore]

Um, well, I'm not sure what to suggest, to be honest.

I can sympathize with infertility affecting your sex life and desire though. It just stinks.

 

[Jennifer01]

That's a tough one. I would say my drive has changed (oh has noticed) and I was wondering if it was hormone related? From what I have read, if you have burnt your adrenals from constant stress your libido is affected. Have you had your adrenals checked? I am going to a naturopath to address it. I don't know what to suggest as far as your oh goes, fortunately mine has the opposite problem. I would definately stop all the things that are making it feel awkward, it will just stress you more. If you dont get your bfp will you consider IUI? That way the actual act is out if the mix. Sorry I'm not able to be more helpful.

 

[readyformore]

IUI is a good point Jennifer.

Sex was awkward for us during the month that coincided with our IUI cycle. I was so thankful that we didn't have to worry about sex that month. Even though the IUI failed, at least I didn't waste the month.

 

[Sizzles]

I completely relate to what you're saying. both myself and OH have low libidos, which is not helpful when ttc! I had also put it down to bcp which I took for many years. OH reckons his has dwindled as a result of mine (not being mean or anything, just that when you're not dtd very much, the urge kind of goes a bit) so we were only dtd once or twice a month - sometimes it was longer between 'sessions' though not often. I do enjoy it when we dtd, although sometimes I've felt in the past that I've been doing it because I know it's natural and I ought to be and for OH's sake. When I came off bcp it didn't really make much difference. I am more likely to instigate sex these days, but it's more to do with ttc than anything else, although I do feel I can put myself in the mood more easily when I need to. Sometimes though it feels like a hassle! I don;t want to get my kit off when it's cold! I'm often too tired and just can't be bothered and sometimes I just don't feel like it. A particularly low point was last week when I was ov'ing and I was trying to get OH to dtd; I completely went about it the wrong way because I wasn't into it, and the result was that we didn't dtd at the right time. VEry frustrating!
Sorry this turned into my own personal story, but as you can see, I know where you're coming from! This month I actually fleetingly thought 'next month I don't think I'll bother'.

 

[Zeri]

I can relate as DH and I are in the same boat. I usually just try for one well-timed BD, just before O, and I use opks to figure out when I'm oing. Do you use them? It might help. You really only need one well-timed session to become pg. I conceived twice with just one BD before O. DH and I could never do the BD marathons that some ppl do when TTC. It would be too much!

 

[NavyWife84]

I completely relate to what you're saying. both myself and OH have low libidos, which is not helpful when ttc! I had also put it down to bcp which I took for many years. OH reckons his has dwindled as a result of mine (not being mean or anything, just that when you're not dtd very much, the urge kind of goes a bit) so we were only dtd once or twice a month - sometimes it was longer between 'sessions' though not often. I do enjoy it when we dtd, although sometimes I've felt in the past that I've been doing it because I know it's natural and I ought to be and for OH's sake. When I came off bcp it didn't really make much difference. I am more likely to instigate sex these days, but it's more to do with ttc than anything else, although I do feel I can put myself in the mood more easily when I need to. Sometimes though it feels like a hassle! I don;t want to get my kit off when it's cold! I'm often too tired and just can't be bothered and sometimes I just don't feel like it. A particularly low point was last week when I was ov'ing and I was trying to get OH to dtd; I completely went about it the wrong way because I wasn't into it, and the result was that we didn't dtd at the right time. VEry frustrating!
Sorry this turned into my own personal story, but as you can see, I know where you're coming from! This month I actually fleetingly thought 'next month I don't think I'll bother'.

Thanks so much for responding. You and your oh sound just like me and mine. I can also put myself in the mood too, but like you, it is b/c we are ttc. I think another part of my problem is that DH doesn't like foreplay. I like a lot of kissing and stuff and DH doesn't like to do that. He says that foreplay makes him not "last as long". But it is what gets me going. Six of one, half a dozen of the other, I guess!
As far as your I don't think I'll bother next month...DH and I needed a break from ttc, so for the month of September, we took a break. We didn't BD once that month and September is the month of our anniversary! We had a wonderful anniversary together, but just didn't BD. That can't be normal

Anyway, sorry you are in the same boat, but it is nice to hear that I'm not alone!

 

[NavyWife84]

That's a tough one. I would say my drive has changed (oh has noticed) and I was wondering if it was hormone related? From what I have read, if you have burnt your adrenals from constant stress your libido is affected. Have you had your adrenals checked? I am going to a naturopath to address it. I don't know what to suggest as far as your oh goes, fortunately mine has the opposite problem. I would definately stop all the things that are making it feel awkward, it will just stress you more. If you dont get your bfp will you consider IUI? That way the actual act is out if the mix. Sorry I'm not able to be more helpful.

We are both under a lot of stress. This has been a really tough year for my family with deaths and illnesses in the family. Seems like every time we turn around we are getting more bad news. The infertility doesn't help either! We also both have very stressful jobs. I am a kindergarten teacher in a Title 1 school and take a lot of work home with me. I am also trying to stay neutral in a huge battle between the other kindergarten teachers...it has really been wearing on me, especially with everything else going on (If you want to be really depressed, read my journal a few entries back...lol) My DH is an airtraffic controller in the Navy, which is a stressful job in general. But now he is having surgery next week and his recovery period is going to be about a year. This kind of slows down his progress in moving up in his position, which he is really upset about. And...after he has surgery, I know we will miss at least 1-2 cycles of BDing So there goes our chance of conceiving in the year 2011 Sorry, I just realized this turned into another rant!!!

Anyway, I will definitely look into getting my adrenals checked...going to do some internet research on this tonight! If we don't get our bfp, we are willing to try anything the docs think will help, IUI included I have just started the process of figuring out the cause of my infertility, so we're hoping it won't lead to that, but if it is what is necessary, we are definitely on board

Thanks for the suggestions!

 

[NavyWife84]

I can relate as DH and I are in the same boat. I usually just try for one well-timed BD, just before O, and I use opks to figure out when I'm oing. Do you use them? It might help. You really only need one well-timed session to become pg. I conceived twice with just one BD before O. DH and I could never do the BD marathons that some ppl do when TTC. It would be too much!

Yeah, we do temping and opks and try to have at least one well timed bd as well. But, this month (after a month of taking a break) DH kept turning me down during o, so I got really depressed about it. I know he is tired and stressed out, as am I, but it was very discouraging. We got in one well timed bd, but after over a year of well timed bds and nothing but bfns, I'm feeling like one is not enough. And you hear about sperm quality not being as good if the sex is infrequent, which worries me too.

My doctor is also suspecting pcos right now, so who knows if I am even ovulating? This also is very discouraging as sometimes I just want to give up! I refuse though, we are going to get our miracle one way or another!!!

 

[readyformore]

We had a wonderful anniversary together, but just didn't BD. That can't be normal

We didn't bd on our anniversary either.

Unless it's the first anniversary, it's totally normal.

 

[Sizzles]

Don't think we dtd on our anniversary either! Or Christmas or birthdays necessarily!
NavyWife - I'm also a teacher; I teach 4 - 6 year olds so completely get what you're saying about work stresses and working at home! Interestingly, I've just posted on a thread about acupuncture, my acupuncturist said she treats a lot of teachers with fertility issues! I've actually considered giving up to ease the stress in order to conceive; we're still weighing up the options at the mo.

 

[Jennifer01]

Hmmmmm my oh is a teacher and I am a counsellor in a school! Woah! Although I have definately had bad days at work, come home to my oh and said "well today shut down my reproductive system for sure!!"
I know stress isn't good but I have had a bfp during a very stressful time...but I was 17 years younger! Has anyone ever seen stats as far as infertility rates and careers?
It would be frustrating to be in your position navywife, I hope things get better for you soon. I often think I might as well cut down on the bd because really, it's been over 2 years, we bd A LOT around o, and the bfp never comes-and oh has a high SA. I can, however, sympathize with how frustrating it must be to think you didn't even have a chance on any particular month. In the meantime let's all quit our jobs!!

 

[Sizzles]

Ok, so I was just thinking about OH's SA (which he is yet to have) and in particular, the timing of the 'deed' in relation to other 'deeds'. A thought occurred to me, which I thought I'd share in case it's useful. So OH has to abstain for 3 days before SA (not difficult, as long as it's not the 'other' time of the month!) and I want to make sure we get in a bd at 3 days or so before. My thinking being that his swimmers will have regenerated over the 3 days then. There is evidence to suggest that going a long time between 'releasing' the little guys means you end up with a back-log of dead swimmers - not something which is going to give a reliable SA result. Anyway, my point is, for those of you only aiming to dtd at the point of O, make sure that one way or another it isn't the first 'turn-over' of swimmers for a long time or you'll just be getting duds anyway. I try to make sure we dtd just after af, so we've had a clear out ready for the run-up to OV.
I hope my ramblings make sense and that it helps!

 

[wonderstars]

That's a great tip sizzles. I think we've missed that step so I think I'll get dh to do a deposit on the day of my HSG so were ready to go after the test! thanks for the tip...might as well try something new because after 14 months nothing else seems to be working.

And I sooo hear you all on the low sex drive. I don't mind having it more often but my dh is tough to get going. I wouldn't be surprised I'd not doing the deed is part of the issue. If everything turns out normal I think I'm asking to go right to IUI along with the clomid.

 

[NavyWife84]

I would be interested to see the affect careers have on infertility! It has been especially hard for me since I teach in a Title 1 school where half of the parents don't even seem to care for their children. I just want to take the kids home with me because I could give them such a better home than their parents do!!! Enough about that though or I'll get fired up!

I also don't believe in the stress having a negative effect on fertility...I know plenty of people who were super stressed when they concieved (my sister was in her final semester of grad school while working full time and having a hubby who is a Washington, D.C. cop!!!) You hear so many mixed stories. People tell you to do other things to keep you mind off of getting preggo, but if I add anything else to my plate, that will add to my stress, which people say isn't good! I say I will just keep living my stressful life and hoping for a bfp. When we don't think about ttc, we don't dtd, therefore, I have to keep it on my mind in order to increase my chances! LOL

Rant over

 

[wonderstars]

It's a great point! I'm a nurse working in a specialty clinic right now. I'm managing women who have unexpected pregnancies and others who leave it to me to make sure they have blood work, make sure they are doing okay etc....ugh.

Funny enough, as low as our sex drive is, we're still doing it more while TTCing than before. Yikes!

 

[readyformore]

I also don't believe in the stress having a negative effect on fertility

100% agree with this!

 

[Gingersnaps]

Hi,
There have been alot of good points made and I second getting your adrenals checked.
Also your thyroid - I am hypothyroid and till diagnosed it began to effect my libido.
If you both only do the deed once near O - that can be a problem unless your OH is masturbating, the swimmers will not be in good condition.
To up your chances try at least twice before O - more sperm - better chances. Plus once a week or so to freshen up the sperm - does not need to be intercourse.
If your OH does not like foreplay - maybe try self stimulation beforehand.
I have seen alot of people on here recommend Macca for their OH's libido.
Also I began taking CoQ10 and noticed a jump in mine near O time - more so than of late.
Good luck!