Makes me so confused!

[caline]

We have been ttc for over 2 years. All my tests were normal and we have had our 1st appointment at a fertility unit. We are waiting to be accepted for funding then will be having some IUI then IVF if we don't have any sucess with IUI.

My DH used to smoke, but gave up when we started to try. He carried on drinking at weekends and beers at the pub during lunch time during the week. I'm only talking in moderation, maybe a pint a day and a bottle of wine at the weekends. After a year of TTC i suggested he cut out the drinking, and now we are hopefully going to start fertility treatment I have asked him not to drink at all in the months leading up to it.

He initially agreed but every time we get together with friends he keeps on trying to sneak drinks in behind my back. I can tell when he has had a drink so realise what he's been up to. There has been 2 evernings when I have been at work and have come home to find him pretty well intoxicated, slurring speech etc, but totally denying that he has had a drink.

I feel that I am being made a fool of in front of our friends. They know we are going for fertility treatment and thats why we are not drinking at the mo. Then they see my DH sneakly trying to drink behind my back.

It really makes me question whether he wants this as much as me. We have had a few big arguements about this, and each time he agrees that he has done wrong and promises it won't happen again.

This is driving a big wedge between us and I know if we failed at fertility treatment I would blame him for the drinking. (his sperm count is kinda borderline, not good, not bad).

How should I deal with this? Its really upsetting me.

 

[Farie]

Hey honey

I think you really need to talk to him about this, it is not fair for you to be thinking of putting yourself through difficult fertility procedures if he is not doing his very best to try to help you, ultimately to help you avoid such procedures if at all possible
(which I know in many many cases is not possible, but its always worth know they are a last resort, after all other avenues have been explored)
It is only natural to find yourself feeling resentment if you feel let down, like he's not doing 100% to help.
Spell it out for him, tell him how your feeling, how you will feel if this doesn't work, how if he doesn't help now then you will never know if it was bad luck or his fault. Something he could have changed.
If thats how you feel?

My DF has pretty much given up drinking all together since we realized things weren't happening as fast or as easily as they should\could. We both still have the odd tipple occasionally, but its rare and never enough to get actually 'drunk' ... generally so little he could still legally drive.

He was a little slow on the up-take with vits, mins etc, but he really does try. At the end of the day IVF will not be emotionally possible for us if I'm resenting him for the slightest possibility that it would have been aviodable ... iykwim?

 

[caline]

Hi Farie,

Thank you so much for your reply. I have been in tears all morning about this. We had a big arguement/fall out about it a month or so ago and he apologised and told me it wouldn't happen again. So, I feel that I have lost some deep trust with him about this. I am starting to doubt whwther we should be going for the treatment at all at this stage, as it seems blatently obvious to me that he is so not comitted to me or this treatment.

We have been together 16 years, and married for 3, and I have never felt so unsupported about anything like this before. I really thought having kids was important to him (maybe even slightly more so to him than me), but this has taught me otherwise. I want total committment and support from him and have learnt through this that I am not going to get it.

I am so unsure what to do, and to make things worse I can feel my period starting as I am sitting here, which probably explains all the tears.

Thank you for your advice, I really really appreciate it,

C x

 

[MrsR32]

Hi Caline

I'm so sorry you're feeling unsupported - is it possible your DH isn't aware how much difference his drinking makes? My DH thinks my nagging about vitamins and not putting his laptop on his lap is overkill.

I would ask him to be honest about how much he wants a baby, if he seems surprised at the question, explain that his drinking is making you feel he doesn't really want to help - make him understand how much difference it really does make. A

nd tell him how you feel about it - that he seems to want to be able to drink more than he wants to be a dad - laying it out in simple terms like that might make him realise that it's not just you nagging but a real problem.

Good luck, I hope you get through to him - sometimes these men just need things explained in simple terms!

x

 

[TrixieLox]

I will be the voice of descent here. Has he had his swimmers tested? If so, and there's no problems, the chances are the odd drink here and there really won't harm. The majority of people in my family who got pregnant straight away have husbands who drink heavily at least once-a-week. My husband hardly ever drinks and has perfect swimmers, but still nothing after a year and a half.

You need to ask yourself, are a few small drinks (which realistically, will have no baring on his fertility) really worth risking the peace of your relationship? Unless he specifically has a low sperm count where cutting out alcohol will help, I'm not sure this is worth you guys arguing over.

One promise I have made to myself - despite the heartache and frustration this TTC journey brings, I simply will not allow it to harm my relationship. That's the one thing I have control over in this difficult process.

As long as he isn't a heavy drinker, and he knows to lay off too much alcohol, and you have discussed it again, I'd say drop it and focus instead on making sure your relationship still stays strong and happy.

I'm sure many will disagree with me. x

 

[brumbar]

i agree with Trixielox....he is hiding and pretending because he knows that you'll get angry. Let him know how you feel (if he doesn't know already ) and tell him that he shouldn't hide, that it is OK to have a drink from time to time as long as he doesn't get intoxicated. Getting drunk is what kills the swimmers. The occasional drink once or twice a week should be ok and will make your life easier. Xxx

 

[Farie]

I agree with Trix, a little drink wont hurt, as I said, my DF still has the occasional tipple!

Talk to him honey, generally they don't realize how much we invest in this fertility rollercoaster, they don't read as much as us, they don't research etc (ok I'm generalizing, but I'm pretty sure its true for 'most' blokes!)
Your better off getting this sorted now than letting it fester

I think you need to come to a compromise, he gets the odd tipple, but you know he is doing something to help the both of you achieve your goal.
From what you have said his drinking is a little more than the odd pint?

PM me if you want honey