MIL negative reaction to our news :(

[ParisJeTadore]

We told MIL today (via Skype as she lives in another city) that I am pregnant with our third. Her response was so disheartening and although I try not to let it bother me I can totally tell that it is.

She suffers from bipolar disorder and chronic depression so I wasn't expecting much of a response but what she did say just felt rude. No smiles, just a sour face and said, "OH NO!....oh my, oh my, oh no!" No congrats, how are you feeling, etc. My husband and I are both in our early thirties, well established and although this baby was a total surprise it's still very much wanted. She then made comments on the size of our small home, not being able to manage

Made me feel like crap if we want to be honest.

 

[ssarahh]

I am so sorry to hear that your MIL reacted like that. I can 100% understand why you would be upset at her reaction.

I hope that she will realise she is out of order and apologise.

Please don't let her reaction get you down (I completely understand why it would!). It sounds to me that you have a lovely set up and that your third little bundle will have an amazing life with their two older brothers.

Wishing you a very happy and healthy nine months and a huge congratulations from me.

S x

 

[Isme]

That is incredibly rude. I'm not sure what your relationship with her is normally like, but if that type of rudeness is likely to continue, then I would limit contact as much as possible. You don't need that kind of negativity and stress around you right now. Your baby is a blessing no matter how prepared you all were (or weren't). The size of your home is also irrelevant and none of your MIL's business. Ugh.

In any case, congratulations!

 

[ParisJeTadore]

Thank you for your kindness. Fortunately, MIL lives half way across the country (I honestly don't think I could survive if she lived any where near us!). She has never been a friendly, happy person so I expected a similar response as I received with my second which was, "Oh, ok." Somehow this felt worse.

I may be wrong but I feel like no matter how nice I have been to MIL over the years I will never be good enough for her little boy. Supposedly it was the same with my husbands previous gf's when he was younger so I know it's not me personally...just makes her a very difficult person to be around.

 

[kittylady]

If she is bipolar then you may have just caught her on a down day where she feels like there isn't anything really positive. I'm not trying to excuse the rudeness but she may have only been able to see the negatives (have family and friends with the disorder) maybe try to talk about it next time and her reaction might be different.

I wish you all the best, this is our third and we haven't told anyone yet because we dont want to worry them, although I think my MIL might have guessed. My mother has chronic depression and we think it stems from undiagnosed aspergers syndrome which I have and has genetic and environmental risk factors. I know she will worry about our three bedroom house, our too small car and the fact we are struggling financially due to some really spectacular university fees I've had to pay, I'm also studying full-time for the next year.

Have a happy and healthy 9 months. The only people that really matter are you and your husband and as long as your happy thats all that matters.

 

[lilmisscaviar]

I understand that she has bipolar but that doesn't give her the right to be rude. She will probably come to terms with it and change her attitude in time but to give that kind of reaction would make me upset too. My own father is a bit like that. He has never has been properly diagnosed since he refuses to go to the doctor but he has major mood swings and he said the same thing when we told him I was expecting again. He was like "where are you going to put it?" since we only have two bedrooms of the four in our house finished right now and then he asked (because I have a history of miscarriage) why I would want to go through all that again. It hurt my feelings. I just wanted him to be happy for us. If he were my father IN LAW on the other hand, I probably would have taken it much harder, since I'm used to my father being that way.

 

[Reidfidleir]

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I think people have a tendency to project how They would feel if it were them. So she couldn't handle having three therefore she thinks you can't and that you aren't feeling good about it.
Is it right? No.
But I've found that's human nature, and keeping that in mind it doesn't affect my emotions as much.
It would be nice to just have someone happy for you though wouldn't it!!?

So far I've only told my in laws and a couple friends who have 3, and 5 kids. In laws were shocked a bit as was I but they didn't say anything rude thankfully.

I still haven't told my family yet.

 

[ttc126]

I'm so sorry she reacted that way Congratulations to you

To be honest I'm totally scared to tell anyone yet lol! I've shared with my best friend but that's about it! No family knows (and I usually tell the day of bfp!) And I'm not planning to tell for a bit. I am already dreading the comments from extended family. With #2 I got asked if we were going to be like the Duggar family....yes, because 2 is the same as 19. So I can only imagine the reaction this time..... my grandparents will have a cow (they tend to worry) and I don't even know what my parents will say. I expect only rude comments from in-laws. Lol I'm totally shocked still so I'm sure others will be

 

[Buffyx]

So sorry about her reaction.
I'm slightly worried about our families reactions for number 2 since our LO is only 4.5 months old.

 

[Mummy1506]

We had a similar reaction from the inlaw family too & it was at a time where we only told them as had to go to hospital for bleeding & they were looking after our boys! We did end up miscarrying that one without an ounce of sympathy from them!!

This time we aren't telling them until much much later
I was so upset & angry last time it tipped me over the edge having to deal with all that along with a miscarriage!

My dh actually doesn't care what they think or have to say. My family are totally different & thrilled for us so I just don't understand it. We also are in our 30's two children always worked have our own home.

Don't let it get you down & hope you have a lovely healthy pregnancy!!

 

[Bluemoonlight]

Wow, that must be so hard. I'm sorry sweetie. Try not to think about it. I don't know if it would help you, but for me when I feel sorry for people I find it easier to let their hurtful comments roll off my back.

 

[mrssat]

I'm sorry to hear you had a bad reaction from mil. I remember seeing a post from you saying this baby was a surprise. It's hard to deal with that when you've just got used to it yourself.

We had negativty from my SILs one who has been trying for a long time but has fertility issues. & the other is just an oppionated busy body. She too went on about our small house & how all my husband does is work & it's all on him etc etc. I was highly offended & not spoken to them since. In 13 yrs I've never fallen out with them, I'm kind of a keep the peace kinda girl but this was a step too far & like you if really effected me. My kids have not seen cousins over Xmas because of this. Just horrible but I feel I'm owed an apology. It's ironic because her life is a mess doesn't own her own house & she doesn't even like her husband.

I don't know where people get off tbh. Live & let live in say.
Try not to stress too much hun. I'm sure mil will come round. X

 

[ParisJeTadore]

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate your replies.

I think you are right, Reidfidleir. She does tend to think very negatively about everything (I mean, absolutely everything!) on a regular basis. The irony is that she had three kids too so you'd think she'd have some understanding.

I guess I am just tired of dealing with rude comments from her and a constant negativity. I shouldn't complain too much because she doesn't live here but it's still hard. Visits are pure agony and hard to manage.

Mummy1506, I am sorry for your loss That must have made it that much worse. I think some people just lack tacked are perhaps so embroiled in their own problems that they lose sight of what's respectful.

 

[theiska]

My mom has a neurodegenerative illness that has manifested so far as depression and anxiety. She often says and does very inappropriate things. I don't think it's meant to be hurtful. She just doesn't filter her thoughts. Try to take her words as love expressed through concern, and let it go if you can. I wouldn't hold your breath for an apology, as she probably doesn't even realize what she said was hurtful. I doubt telling her it did would do much good, either.

 

[mrs unicorn]

My mil has MS (wheelchair bound) and also a lot of depression and anxiety since childhood. Most of the time things are fine but she has outbursts where she'll tear into DH. It's aimed/blamed on me but she would never say it to me. She ruined the 2 months leading up to our wedding - we hadn't considered her enough and she was dreading the whole thing. DH is great, he won't take it from her as such but now he's worried about when our LO arrives and how much grief we'll get for not visiting her enough. Whatever we do it's never enough. My advice is to please yourself and try try try to not let her negativity ruin things for you. I let it ruin the lead up to our wedding and I won't make that same mistake again!

 

[Bluemoonlight]

My mil has MS (wheelchair bound) and also a lot of depression and anxiety since childhood. Most of the time things are fine but she has outbursts where she'll tear into DH. It's aimed/blamed on me but she would never say it to me. She ruined the 2 months leading up to our wedding - we hadn't considered her enough and she was dreading the whole thing. DH is great, he won't take it from her as such but now he's worried about when our LO arrives and how much grief we'll get for not visiting her enough. Whatever we do it's never enough. My advice is to please yourself and try try try to not let her negativity ruin things for you. I let it ruin the lead up to our wedding and I won't make that same mistake again!

Hopefully DH can set some clear and loving boundaries about how she can talk in front of LO, especially when it comes to giving him a hard time. Stay strong