AngelBabby
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- Apr 3, 2016
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Hi everyone. I really don't know how to put what I want to say into words, but I am 19 years old and yesterday on April 2 2016, the love of my life passed away. When I miscarried, I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe that this was just a crazy period and that everything was going to be fine. My mom didn't know so I kept it to myself. I started getting blood clots the size of my palm. I saw tissue. I touched it (tmi I know) but I saw the flesh of my baby. I know the difference of a blood clot. This was'int, and every time I would get these "clots" I would feel it immediately and it would be accompanied by a large amount of blood. Then I believe I saw the tiniest umbilical chord possible. I also saw a very very tiny grew sac thing. Its kinda like a bubb'le of tissue but if you don't look close enough you won't notice. This was painful. The night before I had taken a heap of Asprin and then caffeine pain relief. It didnt help. I was cramping SO bad. I was hurting physically and woke up at 1am with sweats and cramping. I didn't know if I was going to make it. Now the day after losing the baby I am shivering and freezing and emotionally drained. My boyfriend won't talk to me. He wanted the baby so bad. He won't say anything. The only thing he said today was that "HE didnt know what he wanted anymore" and I told him this: You know what X, I had to experience the whole losing the person I loved the most. I saw the baby and I dealt with all of the physical pain ALONE. Noone was here for me. Noone cared that I was crying so hard that I couldint breathe. I am still fucking crying. I loved our baby and I know you are very upset, but you were'int here. You didn't see all of the blood or my tears. This was nothing like the last one. I was more far along and I had a precious angel with you. Don't forget that when you said you loved me forever that you would keep that promise. I will forever mourn over our angel in Heaven. But you can't leave me now. We have to get through this together or we will both die of grief. As I'm typing this I am crying uncontrollably. This was'int my fault....You are supposed to be here for me. You promised you loved me. What the hell man. What the hell. I don't know.....: Thats what I said and he "saw" the message but no reply. So I told my mom because I was crying and she said she already knew. After talking to my mom the grief really set in. This is hard for me to write but I have to. She was really supportive and offered to take me to the hospital. I feel horrible. I am 19 and was pregnant. My mom was 16 with me, and I don't want to feel like "one of those girls". I feel so bad that I could even for a second feel bad about being a teen mom, but you know what? This angel would have been loved unconditionally. The dad wanted the baby and we both have jobs. I feel fine one minute and the next I feel like falling apart. I am a decent person, I feel horrible for how young I am. But I am hurting so bad. I get mad at myself for feeling fine at times. I didn't do anything to cause this and it's not my fault. I lift stuff at work but its not much. I wish now that I would have been better, that I should have told my mother when I thought I was and get the baby proper care. Now I feel sad. I feel like a piece of me is gone. I keep imagining myself standing there outside with my long blonde hair dangling over my black shirt and black pants. I do this because when I picture myself standing there, it reminds me that I am the one that lost the baby-My baby. I keep being reminded that MY BABY IS GONE. My child died. MINE. I can't get it through my head. I can't believe that MY baby is gone. I can't believe I was pregnant. I don't know. I want to do a memorial but with my boyfriend there, I want to let balloons go in memory of the life that we created. Gone but not forgotten. Rest In Peace My Angel. Love mommy.
I'm so sorry to hear that. I was a teen mom too. And even at a young age, a baby can be everything you want and more! I've also had 3 miscarriages. They are NEVER easy! I'm so very sorry to hear that. Don't feel bad or guilty that you feel okay. It doesn't mean you didn't love and want your baby. You need to take care of yourself and still live your life!
