Miscarriage Emotional Difficulties

[Emily Truman]

I need some support and wonder if I’m the one wrong in the situation. I’m currently a college student who was in a 7 year relationship with a guy. I came back for my spring semester and his friend one night.....assaulted me when I was blackout.....my bf blamed me.....three days later I went to the hospital and was confirmed I had a miscarriage.....I never knew I was pregnant.....the ex at first was nice, then super harsh and didn’t want to see me or hear about what happened. He then warmed up after days of begging and came to see me in person and held me as I cried, a week later he said he acknowledges his friend took advantage of me when I was in a state of condition that I should’ve never let myself get too (his friend kept encouraging me to drink) but says he has no sympathy or love left for me or the child I lost. I’m devastated and feel my whole world is upside down. I always wanted a child with him eventually since I thought we would marry one day and I feel so ashamed and I feel like it was my fault I lost my child. I didn’t know I was beforehand or I wouldn’t have ever been drinking, they said it was very early on but still it was my child and I feel so so ashamed. He blocked me when I had to go to the same ER for flu complications and I told him I was having a rough time being in the same ER room I was only in weeks ago. Does he have the right to be upset and not talk to me? I feel so abandoned and it was a great relationship before this. I keep thinking about my miscarriage every single day and it hurts so much and I don’t know how to get past it it’s gotten worse emotionally and it’s been 1 month since it happened.

 

[dairymomma]

First off, I'm SO sorry about what you've been through. NO ONE should have to endure what your boyfriend's buddy did to you. And a miscarriage is a loss of not only that child but all the hopes, dreams, wishes you had for their life. It doesn't matter if it's an early loss or not, or if you knew about the pregnancy beforehand or not. You still feel that loss.

Second, I hope you reported the matter to the police. No one should be raped. And that's exactly what you experienced. You were in no condition to say Yes or No and it sounds like the friend was trying to get you drunk to the point where you couldn't say or do anything. That's deliberate planning. And absolutely heinous in my opinion.

Third, the miscarriage was NOT your fault. You say you were fairly early and I'm assuming that's before 12 weeks. The most likely cause of a miscarriage in the first trimester is a genetic abnormality. The body recognizes this and ends the pregnancy before it can get too far along. Yes, drinking isn't advised during pregnancy but it's more the long-term, regular drinking that causes problems and when you were so early on, the amount of alcohol you had wouldn't have caused any harm to the baby. Try not to blame yourself for this because it truly wasn't something you could have controlled.

Four, I can't explain your boyfriend's behavior but I'd advise you to dump him or demand he join you in going to therapy. NO ONE, absolutely NO ONE, asks to be assaulted while blackout drunk. And you were in no way at fault for that. The friend made a horrific choice that night. YOU didn't. He is totally in the wrong to be blaming you when it's his buddy who is 100% at fault.

Five, if you haven't already, get yourself to a therapist. You need some help and a listening ear to help you sort through not only the extremely complicated emotions surrounding your miscarriage but also the assault and how your boyfriend has acted since then. You have experienced some extremely tragic and traumatic things in a very short time span and it takes time to work through them. I've dealt with recurrent miscarriage and infertility issues for over a decade and I've been in regular therapy for almost as long to help me work through all that I've dealt with. Talking things thru can only help you and the therapist may even be able to give you guidance on how to navigate the assault issue if you choose to report what happened to the authorities. Please look into therapy. And do not settle for just any old therapist/counselor. Find one that you like and feel comfortable with. It took me a few years but I have one I completely trust now and I absolutely adore her. (She is the type to call and check in with you if you haven't been in for an appt in a while. She's a dream of a therapist and I consider her a friend at this point.)

 

[AlexLeo]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, Emily. You have every right to be hurt in this situation. Not only did you lose your baby, but you lost trust in your boyfriend. Just know, it's okay to grieve. It's okay to take time to cry. Grieving is healthy, as odd as it seems. It allows us to process the hurt. When a person doesn't grieve, they usually bottle the emotions until they explode.

I would definitely recommend seeking a counselor or someone to talk to. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but finding a female pastor could also be of help.

Also, have you reported the assault to the police? It's completely your choice, but if your boyfriend's friend did that to you, who is to say he won't do it to another? Just something to think about.

Know that I'm praying for you!