Mixed emotions

[Lisa2701]

Hi everyone,

Just popping in for some moral support today. I don't post on here often as I find I get caught up in the obsessiveness of the whole TTC business and I try not to get obsessive as I will end up going insane, I just feel like i need to talk to people who understand today.

My DH and I have been TTC #2 for over 2 years now with no luck. FS won't help us due to my weight but says that she feels my cycles are "reasonably regular, except 4 or 5 of them", DH sperm all came back ok so I don't understand why I am not pregnant yet.

Anyways.... 4 months ago my best friend came off birth control, which I knew about, and in fact supported. Well she's just found out she's pregnant. In fact, I was the one holding the test when it came back "pregnant". Don't get me wrong, I love my best friend like a sister, we are incredibly close, and see each other several times a week and i honestly believe she and her husband are going to make wonderful parents. I truly am ecstatic for them, and jumped about like a crazy person just as much as she did when that test came back "pregnant".... but now I am a few days on and I haven't seen her since and I am feeling so unbelievably sad for myself. Every time I am alone I just start crying. I don't feel like I can tell anyone, I feel silly and selfish for feeling like this.

I just don't get it. I know (cause she told me) that her and her DH were barely having sex, in fact they'd only had it once this cycle, and this was really only her second cycle with her body back to normal. My DH and I have sex regularly, have tried all different weird and wonderful things to get pregnant, have spent hundred on tests and opk's and CBFM etc and its just not happening. We've even started talking about adoption lately. Think we're going to give it another year before we seriously start looking into it.

Sorry for such a negative post, I just didn't know where else to turn. Like I already said I feel so guilty for feeling like this, and I seriously am so happy for her and her husband, I am close to both of them and its lovely to see them so happy. I am just so scared of how I'm going to cope with all the baby talk, and shopping, etc. Thing is, I want to be involved with the baby shopping, and baby talk etc. In fact she's already asked me if i'll be a second birthing partner for her which I feel truly honoured about, but I know its going to take its toll on me.

To make matters worse today her husband announced it on facebook and all the congrats came pouring in, which has drawn my attention back to it all when i'm sitting alone.

I am sure I'm not the only this has happened to so I'd love some advice. you ladies are always so wonderful at giving advice.

 

[Sizzles]

Just wanted to send you virtual hugs! It's hard isn't it! My friend who I work with became pg after trying for a few short months and whilst I was delighted for her, I did feel it should've been me. She knew/knows that we'd been trying a while at that point and has not rubbed my nose in it. On the one hand I love finding out how her pregnancy is progressing and being involved in conversations, but then sometimes it hits me hard and I have to avoid the situation, which is really tricky and potentially awkward. Her baby is due next month and I've been ttc for 22 months with no bfp.
It sounds to me like you're a really good friend having a completely normal reaction to the news. You may need to explain to her that you might sometimes find things hard and that she isn't to take it personally if you're not in the right place emotionally to do baby shopping sometimes. If you're that close, I'm sure she'll understand.

 

[cooch]

Your not feeling anything wrong. Your not grudging your friend her happiness, just sad your still in your position.

Please don't wait another year to get checked out, it will be a waisted year. Go now and demand as much investigation as possible. Really if your young (ish), healthy, having sex at the right times you should really take 6 months to get pregnant. They say investigations after a year as they assume people are having sex every so often and not planning it religiously. If you have been planning BD at the time of conception and round about that time and you haven't conceived in 2 years, then there is probably an issue. It could be something small that could easily get fixed. Start looking into getting a doc appointment Monday morning!!

If your not having regular cycles (4/5 aren't??) and are over weight you sound as though you may have PCOS, as those are classic symptoms.
Goos luck xx

 

[Lisa2701]

Thanks ladies,

I had such a rough day yesterday. Ended up having a good cry to my husband who for once was very supportive (he's not normally good with emotions). Feel a bit better today, which is good as I am likely to be seeing my friend over the next day or two.

Think I will wait and see just how much baby talk she does before I speak to her. I'd like to think she'll be sensitive to my situation, she knows how much my infertility upsets me, and she's already commented on feeling guilty for acting excited around me the day she found out, and I dont' want her to feel guilty and awkward round me. As i said to her, i'm trying to look at it like at least i'll have a wee baby to cuddle and spoil, but without the sleepless night but I know its going to be hard and even living by that moto won't work every day.

Cooch - Think you've misunderstood honey. I've had all tests ran, everything came back normal (the FS was surprised at how normal my hormoes etc was given my weight). Been tested for PCOS and I don't have it. Even seen a fertility specialist, who believes that my cycles are fairly regular with the 'exception' of about 4 of them that lasted a bit longer (one was caused by a suspected, but never confirmed mc). She said, other than my weight she can't see any reason for me not to fall pregnant and advised me to loose weight. She said she can't help me unless I loose a considerable amount of weight but believes I will fall naturally if I can loose as little as a couple of stone (I am on a mission). I was talking about looking into adoption when I said about waiting another year before looking into it.

 

[jack79]

Hi Lisa

I'm going through a very similar situation myself and I feel exactly the same as you...A good friend who i see regularly has just told me she's pregnant, apparently they weren't really trying, they just weren't using anything...I am happy for them but feeling jealous/ resentful/ upset at the same time. It's horrible but I'm hoping that it will pass and that I will soon be looking forward to the baby arriving. We've been TTC for our first for 2 years and it sucks when other people fall pregnant at the drop of a hat. My friend didn't seem that bothered about having a baby a few months ago and I think that's what's troubling me the most. Sounds stupid, but I would be happier for her if I knew they'd been trying for a while. I hate to be so selfish but I guess it is normal to feel like this when you've struggled for so long.

I hope we both get lucky soon!!

xx

 

[rosebud_01_99]

hi regarding the weight issue i have pcos but lost 8stone over the last 2yrs to have a accecptable bmi to drs. but it didnt improve any of my pcos symptoms and i still havent regular afs despite all the books and articles and drs advice it just hasnt helped me, while my cousin who is 10stone overweight has 3 kids in 4yrs.

 

[cooch]

Thanks ladies,

I had such a rough day yesterday. Ended up having a good cry to my husband who for once was very supportive (he's not normally good with emotions). Feel a bit better today, which is good as I am likely to be seeing my friend over the next day or two.

Think I will wait and see just how much baby talk she does before I speak to her. I'd like to think she'll be sensitive to my situation, she knows how much my infertility upsets me, and she's already commented on feeling guilty for acting excited around me the day she found out, and I dont' want her to feel guilty and awkward round me. As i said to her, i'm trying to look at it like at least i'll have a wee baby to cuddle and spoil, but without the sleepless night but I know its going to be hard and even living by that moto won't work every day.

Cooch - Think you've misunderstood honey. I've had all tests ran, everything came back normal (the FS was surprised at how normal my hormoes etc was given my weight). Been tested for PCOS and I don't have it. Even seen a fertility specialist, who believes that my cycles are fairly regular with the 'exception' of about 4 of them that lasted a bit longer (one was caused by a suspected, but never confirmed mc). She said, other than my weight she can't see any reason for me not to fall pregnant and advised me to loose weight. She said she can't help me unless I loose a considerable amount of weight but believes I will fall naturally if I can loose as little as a couple of stone (I am on a mission). I was talking about looking into adoption when I said about waiting another year before looking into it.

Yes I misunderstood. Did you get a lap to check for endo??

Anyway, I'm now starting a diet/exercise plan as of tomorrow. I'm probably over weight by about 2/3 pounds. Not a lot but I don't feel great about myself and constantly binge when I'm down, which has been a lot over the past year and a half. I have ordered Jennifer Ellsion's DVD (doesn't she look fab??). We could maybe start a new thread for weight loss support for the new yr!!?? Wjat do you think??x

 

[Lisa2701]

Hi Lisa

I'm going through a very similar situation myself and I feel exactly the same as you...A good friend who i see regularly has just told me she's pregnant, apparently they weren't really trying, they just weren't using anything...I am happy for them but feeling jealous/ resentful/ upset at the same time. It's horrible but I'm hoping that it will pass and that I will soon be looking forward to the baby arriving. We've been TTC for our first for 2 years and it sucks when other people fall pregnant at the drop of a hat. My friend didn't seem that bothered about having a baby a few months ago and I think that's what's troubling me the most. Sounds stupid, but I would be happier for her if I knew they'd been trying for a while. I hate to be so selfish but I guess it is normal to feel like this when you've struggled for so long.

I hope we both get lucky soon!!

xx

Me too honey. Like you I am hoping I go through a wee process of acceptance and then am able to just get on with it. I think I take a bit of comfort from knowing how good parents they will both make, would be worse if I they were not kiddie orientated, but I have a son with special needs and they are both fantastic with him but its still hard no matter what. Ironically I helped her work out when she'd be ovulating this month....if only I could work out my own cycles so well

I really do hope we both get our BFP soon.

hi regarding the weight issue i have pcos but lost 8stone over the last 2yrs to have a accecptable bmi to drs. but it didnt improve any of my pcos symptoms and i still havent regular afs despite all the books and articles and drs advice it just hasnt helped me, while my cousin who is 10stone overweight has 3 kids in 4yrs.

I have all the symptoms of PCOS. Its been ruled out based on an ultrasound where they could only see one ovary and my hormones, I wanted them to do another US to check the ovary they couldn't find the first time but they wouldn't.

I quite believe it hun. My periods have ALWAYS been irregular, even when I was my ideal weight (FS said they weren't, but I fail to see how having cycles between 26-46 days with the odd cycle lasting 70 odd days is regular?). I do not believe achieving my ideal weight will help any. The FS said herself that my hormones are all completely normal, which is unusual for someone of my weight ( I am in the morbidly obese category). Also, my friend who's just fallen pregnant is a larger girl as well and has fallen no problems so who knows what to think about weight, but its the only thing stopping me getting help so I may as well try loose it.

Thanks ladies,

I had such a rough day yesterday. Ended up having a good cry to my husband who for once was very supportive (he's not normally good with emotions). Feel a bit better today, which is good as I am likely to be seeing my friend over the next day or two.

Think I will wait and see just how much baby talk she does before I speak to her. I'd like to think she'll be sensitive to my situation, she knows how much my infertility upsets me, and she's already commented on feeling guilty for acting excited around me the day she found out, and I dont' want her to feel guilty and awkward round me. As i said to her, i'm trying to look at it like at least i'll have a wee baby to cuddle and spoil, but without the sleepless night but I know its going to be hard and even living by that moto won't work every day.

Cooch - Think you've misunderstood honey. I've had all tests ran, everything came back normal (the FS was surprised at how normal my hormoes etc was given my weight). Been tested for PCOS and I don't have it. Even seen a fertility specialist, who believes that my cycles are fairly regular with the 'exception' of about 4 of them that lasted a bit longer (one was caused by a suspected, but never confirmed mc). She said, other than my weight she can't see any reason for me not to fall pregnant and advised me to loose weight. She said she can't help me unless I loose a considerable amount of weight but believes I will fall naturally if I can loose as little as a couple of stone (I am on a mission). I was talking about looking into adoption when I said about waiting another year before looking into it.

Yes I misunderstood. Did you get a lap to check for endo??

Anyway, I'm now starting a diet/exercise plan as of tomorrow. I'm probably over weight by about 2/3 pounds. Not a lot but I don't feel great about myself and constantly binge when I'm down, which has been a lot over the past year and a half. I have ordered Jennifer Ellsion's DVD (doesn't she look fab??). We could maybe start a new thread for weight loss support for the new yr!!?? Wjat do you think??x

No, I haven't been checked for endo, which we've just discovered my mum had while she was getting a hysterectomy, but they've pretty much said they've done all the testing they'll do and can't find anything wrong with me (other than my weight of course).

A new year weight thread would be a great idea. I currently have something like 10 stone i'd like to loose, but 6 stone would take me back to where I was when I fell pregnant with my son. I am currently attending weight groups wich are hoops I need to jump through to get a gastric band. I have been waiting 5 years for a gastric band and I truly feel like 2012 is the year I'm gonna get it!! I've managed to stop gaining weight for the last couple of years, just struggling to get it to go back down. Although have found a fantastic app on the iphone that my husband has lost a stone and a half with so far if anyone interested?

 

[Lisa92881]

Tons of from one Lisa to another!!!!

I had a similar situation happen to me a few days ago. It's so hard to be 100% happy for that other person, when we are LTTTC. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you feel - anger, sadness, resentment, and be realistic and honest with yourself that you will have other feelings besides happiness. It's a hard journey, and it's only natural. Our time is soon.

 

[Lisa2701]

Tons of from one Lisa to another!!!!

I had a similar situation happen to me a few days ago. It's so hard to be 100% happy for that other person, when we are LTTTC. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you feel - anger, sadness, resentment, and be realistic and honest with yourself that you will have other feelings besides happiness. It's a hard journey, and it's only natural. Our time is soon.

Thanks honey,

just gotta keep hoping and praying i suppose. Going to step it up a notch again. DH and I had kinda taken our foot off the pedal so to speak over x-mas and new year.

AF got me today, hits even harder this time as my best friend and I have pretty much had the same cycles these past few months, give or take a day or two, the good thing is the last three cycles have been pretty regular, 30 days, 32 days and now 29 days.... I am thrilled with that! Really hope it continues to stay as regular as it means I'll be able to predict things a bit better. I haven't been regular since September 2010 after a suspected MC.

Had a coffee with my friend today, i find myself getting caught up in her excitement when I am with her, but then feeling really depressed when I am on my own afterwards. Suppose thats normal.

Have to say my husband has been an absolute gem through it all. He's not normally good with emotions, crying, etc but he has been so supportive and comforting.

Once again I knew you ladies would be supportive. I really can't thank you enough. Seems like we all go through this at some point. I've had many friends fall pregnant and have their babies through my TTC time and it was hard to hear and watch, but with this being my best friend I don't know what i'd have done this time round without you ladies.

 

[cooch]

Hugs to you. It's funny because the first day of AF is depressing and sad then on the second day my mood seems to shift to - right lets get on with it, ovulation here I come!!!

I just can't take the friends who told me they were waiting a few years or never having any more, falling pregnant for a second time- its that and the 'accidents' that kill me. SIL is due her accident within the next 2 weeks. Thought it was next week but apparently it may be the week after and will then arrive on DH's birthday!!! I so hate his sis's luck, its really undeserved. I really don't know how I'm going to cope, other than DH saying he won't tell me anything. They live abroad so I won't see them.

 

[Lisa2701]

The ones that really get me are the mothers who have loads of kids in tow, who speak to them nastily, swear at them, their kids look dirty a lot of the time etc. There is one or two mothers at my son's school who are like that and have 4+ kids! Makes me sad.

On the plus side... AF has NOT arrived... I just had some pink spotting whic lasted for an hour and then stopped again, so I am not out yet

Second good news is that I spoke to my friend today. She said she's been feeling really guilty about everything and felt bad every time she spoke about her pregnancy, and we spoke about things, and I explained that I couldn't be happier for her, but yes, it has drawn my attention back to my lack of pregnancy and so from that perspective i am sad for me kind of thing. She seemed to really understand... and then spoke about pregnancy and babies for the new 4 hours .

Anyway, I am sure it'll all work out.

I hope you are ok and hubby is supportive when SIL's baby is born. My son was an opps baby ( I was 18) and he is THEE best ooopsie i've ever made and so I never think anything of oops babies unless the person's being really negative about it and then it gets my under my skin.

 

[jack79]

Hi ladies...

I've spoken a couple of times to a holistic therapist who practises hypnosis and that kind of thing and she has recommnended the following wee exercise to help deal with the negative feelings associated with finding out someone you know is pregnant (or any other negative feelings you may feel)....

take a deep breath and really feel what you feel in your body even intensify the feelings then say into yourself "its ok I'm ok I feel like this because Im xyz" then let it go... let the feelings have a colour/shape allow them to soften and flow from your body into the universe and replace the negative feeling with a positive (what would you want for the unborn baby your friends carrying - wish them well).

Not sure if this is your thing but it kind of worked for me (although by the time I tried it I was getting over it myself anyway).

Lisa x (another one!)

 

[lisap2008]

from another Lisa .
I understand as there was not a thing found wrong with me over the past two years and although my DH's count was found to be slightly low we have been TTC for 3 years now , about 90% of my old TTC buddies all have toddlers now. but I know my time is coming.

 

[Lisa2701]

Jack - Thanks for advice. I can see how that would work. Acknowledge how you feel and replace them with positive thoughts. I am starting to be ok with things now.

Lisap - Its is definitely frustrating. I am (against my best judgement) getting hopeful this month. My average cycle length is 32 days and today is CD32 and no sign of AF! I also had spotting on CD21 and then again on CD 29, so I am hoping, ovulation and then implantation.... although get the feeling I am building myself up for a disappointment. I normally try to ignore the last half of my cycle so I don't symptom spot or build up hope, but I think my friends pregnancy has drawn me back to symptom spotting