Mom's, What Makes it So Hard?

[SweetPea3200]

I'm looking forward to being a FTM and I've had a ton of experience with babies and kids so I'm surprisingly calm about the whole thing (not counting labour but that's a different issue). I just keep being told how hard and awful it is to be a parent. Okay, not necessarily in those words but people sure seem to have a lot to complain about and a lot of warnings to hand out!

Now I do understand that I will be tired, my house may be a mess, and I may never be able to leave it but I'm expecting all of that. Am I missing something? Is it the hormones and emotions that make it so hard? For those of you who did have a hard time, what made you do it the second time?

I just feel like I'm missing something and maybe I'm not as prepared as I should be. Any stories, advices, thoughts, would be helpful!

 

[bungle]

Hmm well I think it's different for everybody but for me I'd say that it's the relentlessness of being a mum. I don't have any family around to help out so my life is extremely busy and there's very little time for me. When they're newborn it's tiring because you're up in the night feeding but actually the sensible thing to do is to sleep when they do during the daytime (a luxury that second/third time mummies don't have). But really, for me, the hard work starts when they become toddlers and start having temper tantrums. My 3.5 year old screamed the whole way home from picking her big sister up from school today and then carried on for another 20 minutes once we got home, that was HARD!! However, it'll be a long time before you have that to look forward to and so long as you have a baby that isn't intolerant to lactose (dd2 was and used to cry until she threw up everywhere) then babies are lovely and not nearly as much hard work as when they learn to walk and talk! Xx

 

[mummytobe_93]

I wouldn't say being a parent is hard it's juat relentless and draining.

Same thing, every day and its constant and tiring.

For example when my daughter was younger she was nocturnal until she was 5/6 months.

She was attached to me all day every day, Cried if I put her down then after a day of being exhausted she would be awake all night.
Now as a toddler its just relentless. We have more of a routine but the tantrums are one after the other, if she's teething she won't nap and if she won't nap she's too over tired to sleep ao she's up 12 times a night so you're running on 20 minutes sleep and then have to do the same thing the day after. The day after that Etc

You basically just have to put another persons needs above your own. You can't go to the toilet if you desperately need to go if something else needs doing.

It's worth it though. Some days are harder than others!

 

[Kirsty3051]

I worked with young children for years before having my son. Trust me, it's not the same! I'm not saying it's not worth it, but there definitely isn't as many comparisons as you might like to think. It's 24/7, while trying to juggle everything else that general day to day life expects from you. I went in to it with the same calm attitude that you have now and reality soon smacked me in the face. Looking after 5 children from 7am-5:30pm was a doddle.

My emotions were everywhere during the first couple of weeks, I didn't have a clue what or who I wanted. Luckily I had a supportive and hands-on husband and a well behaved baby. The first month was the hardest, then everything just sort of slotted in to its own place and a routine formed. I don't know what I'd do without him now! Being a parent is the hardest and most rewarding thing I've ever done.

 

[Tasha]

Hmmmm. I don't think it's any of those things you've written whether it's said as direct as that or not. Sure it has its moments but doesn't every part of life?

I hate that we often hear horror stories of pregnancy, labour, newborn etc etc. so I'm not going to tell you what makes it so hard instead I will tell you what makes it wonderful!

Newborn is the getting to know your baby stage, their cries, their smiles, what they like and what they don't. How holding them close means you comfort them, you're their whole world and they rely on you completely. Knowing that your body grew that beautiful little baby and wondering how that happened

The first year, watching them learn and begin to explore. A world where everything is brand new to them makes you look at things like you've never seen them before either. Sleepless nights might sound tough but then it means snuggles on the sofa together. When they kiss you for the first time, say mama or dada, your so dam proud that you feel like you might explode.

Preschool years, ahhh the terrible twos or threeanger years as I've heard them referred to. They can be testing indeed, however it's just their personality growing, their feistiness is the self-belief YOU helped install into them in fact every part of them is because of the way you've helped them grow. The conversations you have are extremely funny and sometimes embarrassing. So many firsts during this time, the most conflicting probably sending your 'baby' to school.

Mine are now ten, nine and six. There have been trying times but I honestly feel like those were few and far between (that's not to belittle those who have a very hard time or are going through it now but how it was for me) and that a blessing is how I would describe it. Weve fought hard for this pregnancy, to bring another baby home and I can't wait to spend hours astounded by this little person

 

[Bun87]

I think for me it was having a little person depend on me being the biggest shock.. I mean, I knew he would depend on me and I would be his everything but I don't think you realise how much independence you have until its gone! I also struggled a bit with the new born stage - you put in so much effort but get very little back. And the tiredness is something I can't even describe. Hallucinating exhaustion is not fun! But, that said.. I can't wait to do it all over again! Each stage for me just gets better and better. Ds1 is a gorgeous, funny, affectionate little boy and I could burst with pride every single day. Once you get into a routine and work out what you're doing, you'll love it! It just took me a little longer to settle into being a mum I think 😊 x

 

[Eleanor ace]

I didn't find it very hard with my 1st, he was a pretty easy going baby and after a year he slept pretty well . My DD is a different story though and I did find it hard when she was a baby. She didn't sleep so I was tired and that always makes things seem harder. She cried a LOT and it was very hard to make her happy. She'd scream in the pushchair or carrier and that made it stressful going out as my maternal instinct was screaming at me to soothe her and my brain was screaming back "OK, you tell me how?!" .
But of course there are so many good things about having children and they definitely trump the hard things

 

[amy_1234]

For me being a parent is one of the biggest challenges you will ever encounter, how you take the challenge on is up to you, yes it's hard but it's also rewarding. Routine was the key for me and my daughter responded very well. From the day she came home from hospital she had a bed time of 8 PM which then gave me time to have a quick clean round, a bath and prepare for the next day by sterilising bottles, my husband would then make all bottles before he went to work in the morning. My daughter used to wake at 2 am and 6 am for a feed for the first 6 weeks before she slept through so me and hubby would take it in turns with the night feeds which were done in the dark so not to confuse baby that it was time to wake up, as soon as she was fed she would go straight back in her crib awake to fall back to sleep herself. I never over stimulated her during the night. She would then sleep till 10 am so I could use this time to get ready or have a lie in do ironing etc.

A baby is an addition to your family and if you let your baby control everything then that's when it becomes hard and mentally draining a baby needs to know where she stands and needs a calm environment. My daughter was a dream to bring up into routines but believe me she is a little madam and very challenging but no matter how challenging she is throughout the day I know it's chill time at 7pm

 

[pachamama92]

For me the hard thing was losing my independence. i say that and it sounds harsh but there is no break and you are suddenly plunged in head first. Especially if you breastfeed. The labour finishes and you might have been awake for two days by then but that´s really just the start. It was such an overwhelming sense of fear, the realisation that I was actually responsible for another human being and obviously the most important thing, and the thing that gets you through it, the love for this little person you have created. So many emotions, so much to deal with and the fact your body just went through childbirth just make it so, so tiring. It does get better but no one can prepare you for those first days.

I think they key is to do what suits you and ignore what other people might advise (well, listen to stuff that you think is useful) My best friend was a routine fanatic and I hung onto her every word like she was the goddess of all things baby related but in the end I should have trusted my instincts and done what was best for me. she is a fantastic mum but you can´t find two people who are less alike so obviously our parenting styles were going to be different. ame goes for every other parenting decision, nothing is the "correct" way and don´t trust anyone who tells you there is a right way, you´re just putting yourself under more stress by listening to them,

 

[mamawolf]

The difference is motherhood doesn't stop. Unlike babysitting or working with kids, you don't get to give them back when you're tired or sick or just need a break. They are your whole life. And that's not a bad thing just an all consuming one. It's 24/7. I love being a mother but your whole life changes. You don't come first anymore and you want it that way.

 

[Zephram]

I think for me it was having a little person depend on me being the biggest shock.. I mean, I knew he would depend on me and I would be his everything but I don't think you realise how much independence you have until its gone! I also struggled a bit with the new born stage - you put in so much effort but get very little back. And the tiredness is something I can't even describe. Hallucinating exhaustion is not fun! But, that said.. I can't wait to do it all over again! Each stage for me just gets better and better. Ds1 is a gorgeous, funny, affectionate little boy and I could burst with pride every single day. Once you get into a routine and work out what you're doing, you'll love it! It just took me a little longer to settle into being a mum I think 😊 x

This is it. As an independent adult you can do what you want, when you want it. You may think you have responsibilities to your work, friends, family, etc, but in reality you do not HAVE to do those things, on a very basic level you choose to. You can call in sick to work, you can ask friends and family to reschedule if you're having a rough time or need a rest... But you cannot do that when you become a mum. You do not get to choose whether or not you're going to be a mum today when you become a parent. No matter how you feel - tired, exhausted, emotional, ill, fed up, frustrated, sick to death of the cute but challenging little blighters - you have to do it. They need feeding when they're hungry on their schedule not yours, they sleep or don't sleep when they want despite you standing on your head, they have tantrums when treated reasonably for no apparent reason and they wake up when you finally think you have a chance to sit down and make you do it all again.

This sounds all 'duh' and I'm sure you've realised it on an intellectual level, but it's quite another thing to experience it. Having been around kids a lot is not the same thing at all. Other people's kids go home to other people at the end of the day and you get to be your own person again. But when you're a mum you're always your kids person too, you're never just 'you' again.

It's not bad though, I like that the other posters have been describing it as relentless, as it certainly is that. It's fulfilling and you'll be amazed every day by the small things these little packages achieve. You never love anyone else in the world the same all encompassing way that you love your child, and that love is what makes the relentlessness worth it. Especially when they get old enough to kiss you with their sticky mouth and say, "I love you, Mummy".

So yes, it's hard, but you'd never give them up and you'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

 

[Larkspur]

Lots of good answers so far!

I don't think anything can really prepare you for the emotional burden of parenting. As others have said, there's a relentlessness to the level of need that babies and children have for their mums. Except for when you are asleep (and you'll be doing A LOT less of that than you used to), literally 24/7 you are thinking about or attending to their needs, their routines, their health, their development, or being 'on call' in case they need you. You never really switch off and completely relax. You're likely to be the 'default parent'.

And - this may be controversial - very often there's a frustration of feeling that even your partner does not totally "get it" when it comes to the emotional burden. After the first bit of paternity leave, Dad usually goes back to work and essentially does not have to think about baby for eight hours a day, five days a week. In my experience, even when mums go back to work, they are still the 'default parent' who takes main responsibility for ensuring childcare is meetings baby's needs, who stays on top of vaccinations, and health checkups and preschool enrolments and playdates and activities and what new clothes and books need to be bought, and organising birthday parties, and reading up on how to deal with developmental things like tantrums and discipline and child safety, and so on and so forth. It's exhausting.

As others have said, so much makes up for all this, but it can be a real shock to learn how easily the strains of parenting can test you emotionally. I am generally a pretty calm and collected person, the sort of person people come to for help to sort stuff out when the sh*t hits the fan, so I was stunned at how short my fuse became when I was sleep-deprived and independence-deprived, with low blood-sugar because the last thing I'd had time to eat was a piece of toast with peanut butter on it 10 hours earlier, and frustrated because I'd been trying to get a baby to go to sleep for three hours and had completely run out of ideas on how to get that to happen.

There have been times when I truly understood how people get to the point where they shake babies. Before motherhood, I thought those people were monsters. Now I just feel grateful that I have the benefits of age, and temperament, and family support, and no financial stress, and no mental health issues, and no anger management issues, and all the other little things that can add up to make the difference between someone who cracks from the stress and someone who doesn't.

For me, the more time I spend as a mother, the less judgmental I become towards other mothers, because every day you learn more about the challenges parenting brings and become more open to the idea that people are just getting through a tough job, trying to make the best decisions they can.

But of course, it's the hardest things that are the most worth doing. You're proud of yourself when you climb a mountain, not when you climb your front steps.

 

[lisaalove]

The hardest part about being a parent for me is the worrying, am I doing well enough and I raising him right watching his father teach him to ride a bike I was so terrified he'd fall and break a bone, the first time you see your child get hurt you break out into tears wondering if you could have done something so it didn't happen. But simply kissing their boo-boo all better seems to make you feel better because you realize that it's you they rely on to feel better to know that everything will be okay. It's the most rewarding feeling being a parent. Watching them grow, lord my first is going off to Kindergarten this year and it makes me sad but so proud to know that I've raised him to be such a big kid. Watching them grow is hard, watching them gain their independence is hard but at the same time your ready for it, and happy to see them go off and become their own little person. A person that you have helped shape. Yes being tired is hard, but even if your tired and at the end of your rope your baby can flash you that perfect little smile and your heart will melt. ♡

 

[Berri]

There's a quote something along the lines of "the days last forever but the years fly by". That pretty much sums it up for me. There are a lot of things that are really mundane - changing nappies, wiping faces, washing clothes (and on and on and on) and the days have a way of running into eachother (especially when you're exhausted and your baby is cranky).

And then they smile at you and they walk and laugh and talk and you see them developing into their own little people and it makes you wonder where the time has gone (how is my baby 3!) and you want to do it all over again because hey if you can create one magnificent human, why not make two?

In reality, there is nothing that can prepare you for being a parent. It changes everything, not only are you responsible for this beautiful little creature but who you are changes, your priorities change and your relationship with SO changes. It's a lot to navigate (esp. that first year).

My best advice is to just take it as it comes, there is no point worrying about what may or may not be. People love to tell horror stories because that's what people do (probably the same people who've told you awful labour stories too and really, that isn't all bad either).

Good luck

 

[Kiwiberry]

I think for me it was having a little person depend on me being the biggest shock.. I mean, I knew he would depend on me and I would be his everything but I don't think you realise how much independence you have until its gone! I also struggled a bit with the new born stage - you put in so much effort but get very little back. And the tiredness is something I can't even describe. Hallucinating exhaustion is not fun! But, that said.. I can't wait to do it all over again! Each stage for me just gets better and better. Ds1 is a gorgeous, funny, affectionate little boy and I could burst with pride every single day. Once you get into a routine and work out what you're doing, you'll love it! It just took me a little longer to settle into being a mum I think �� x

I agree 100%! The only hard part about being a parent is the initial shock. Once that wears off, its the best thing in the world! I love being a mommy. I honestly think I would not be able to survive a day away from my baby.

 

[Kyliem87]

Every child and every parent/family is different. My daughter was an absolute star from the start. She slept well, fed well and wasn't a very grumpy baby - she only ever cried for a feed. She wasn't grumpy when teething (you never even knew til a tooth suddenly appeared!) and although she didn't sleep through the night til 16+ months she woke, fed, went back to sleep!

Now she's 3 and is sooo hard work! She's asserting her independence and has a little attitude on her since she found her voice! It's a wonderful age and she still sleeps well but it is much harder as they get older IMO. My OH is wonderful and is very hands on - does bedtimes, bath times, let's me sleep at weekends and he cooks so I'm also very lucky in that respect!

But it's amazing, I adore being a mammy and never wanted an only child. All children are different and I'm prepared we might not be so 'lucky' this time but who knows we also have amazing support and help from my mam as both OH and I work full time and she has been in nursery since 10 months old when I returned (yes, we are extremely blessed in the UK) and this little one will also do the same

As with every choice we make in life their are ups and there are downs but I wouldn't change it for the world

 

[designermama]

There is nothing that can prepare you really to be a parent. It will come to you when it happens. You shouldn't be expecting the worst or thinking you're going into this hard thing called parenthood. It isn't hard. Is it tiring? Yes. Is it stressful at times? Yes. But that is just how life is in general. You are going to be a great mother and you're going to be tested again and again, you may fail at certain tasks but just laugh and roll with the punches. You will have to make a few adjustments with your lifestyle more than likely but that is expected. Just don't go into thinking you're going into something hard.

 

[greats]

Honestly, it all depends on what baby is like and what kind of a support system you have.

My daughter was a very fussy, colicky baby who, for the most part, seemed to hate life her entire first year. But after she started walking she was a completely different child and is such a fun ball of energy at 2.5 years old that we decided now is the perfect time to give her a sibling.

I also have an amazing husband who NEVER complains, helps with house chores, and is the one who gets up with our toddler when she wakes in the night.

The newborn stage is very exhausting in that you will be sleep deprived. I went into motherhood knowing that I would be sleep deprived, but knowing about it and experiencing it are two completely different things.

But in all honesty, once you and your little family develop a routine and schedule, etc. you will realize it's not that difficult.

 

[boojababy]

I became a single mom when my girls were 1 year and 1 month old, for me the hardest thing was having to take them everywhere, especially in the winter when I just had to run 4 blocks to the store & had to get them bundled up....they are now both 16 (oldest will turn 17 next month.

 

[wifey2013]

I'm a new FTM. To be honest, it's hard at first. Your sent home from the hospital with a tiny baby who is depending on you for everything. It's scary, and tiring, and difficult. If you're breastfeeding its around the clock. You're learning all about this little human and he/she is learning all about you. But i'll tell you this... it gets easier, and everything works out.

The first few days at home I was freaking out over everything, crying, worried, and exhausted. It gets better quickly. Very quickly. We have a great routine now, and I fell confident.

Don't worry, you and LO will figure it all out. It's exhausting, crazy, and scary, but it's the best feeling in the world.