Mom's, What Makes it So Hard?

[staralfur]

I love this post!!! I wonder the same thing Sweetpea. I'll be a FTM but have a HUGE family and have always been around kids (I've 7 brothers and sisters and more nieces and nephews) so I'm pretty comfortable. Other people in my family have never really altered their lifestyle after they had kids, they still go on holidays and eat out at nice restaurants but I think it is what you make of it personally. If you have the mindset that your world is going to be turned upsidedown then I guess it will be easier for that to happen. I don't know, maybe I have a rosy view of it all and I could yet be proven wrong but I'm so so excited for this baby and I just don't see that my life will suddenly be a chaotic mess :-| I know it will be a challenge, don't get me wrong, but I do secretly eyeroll when people say things like 'you're an A-type now, wait until you have kids', as if my whole persona is going to change or standards will slip because of it. Of course things will be different but you make situations adapt to whats right for you so I would take these 'warnings' with a pinch of salt and see how it all pans out for you!x

Another thing that's hard as a parent is when you've spoken up honestly about the tough parts of the experience, and then someone who doesn't even have kids comes along and blithely invalidates everything you've said with comments like, "parenting is what you make it" and acts like they think you've probably done something wrong if you found parenting more challenging than you expected.

I don't think everyone who has contributed to this thread so far sees their lives as chaotic messes, or had to change their whole persona, but many people have generously shared how it has been tough at times, and your comment is pretty dismissive.

What I find funniest about your post is that on one hand your rightfully pointing out that we shouldn't judge one another yet your very quick to downplay the opinion of someone who doesn't have children. Does this make someone's opinion less valid? Does not having children somehow not entitle you to make a comment about how you think YOU will handle things when the time comes? At no point did I suggest that anyone SHOULD do anything one way or another. What I said was based on MY life; my family, my friends, and how each have coped with things differently and MY observations of their expectations before their babies arrived. I don't know you, I don't know other ladies here so I couldn't possibly downplay any experience you have had. Your reply shows your sensitive about something and I've an obviously touched a nerve unintentionally and for that I am sorry but actually, as a forum when women are supposed to come together and help one another, I don't find in any way, your reply to be helpful. Your victimising yourself and pushing a bully card onto me for simply posting what my experiences have been. Your entitled to disagree, your entitled to roll your eyes and laugh at the silly girl who just hasn't experienced the reality yet but your not entitled to insinuate that I'm being disrespectful to other women who have had a tough time because that's simply not true.
Sweetpea, thank you. I'm glad you could see what I was saying. as FTM's I guess we will always worry but worrying now shows how much you care about getting it right for you and your family and that's half the battle. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.x

You know what? People do get sensitive when others imply that parenting is "what you make of it" because that implies that those of us who have struggled immensely at times are choosing to make things hard on ourselves. You might not realize it yet, and you might never realize it if you're lucky enough to get a baby who slips nicely into your life, but hearing someone say that your attitude about parenting is what makes it hard is really quite infuriating.

I get that it's probably depressing to have people telling you how hard it is to be a mother sometimes, but as Larkspur has pointed out, this is a thread that specifically asks people to share those things. If you think it's all worthless because you're going into motherhood with all of the positivity in the world, then I'm not sure why you opened the thread.

 

[nosurprise]

My deepest heartfelt apologies for stepping into a thread that clearly I had no right to do. What a lovely response though ... "I hope it doesn't happen to you but if it does, remember this?!" Good luck nasty "ladies" who scaremonger and stress. You know what, I sugar coated my last reply. It IS what you make of it, millions of woman do it and do it very successfully so make of that what you will because I'm not coming back to read your pathetic woe is me excuses or stressing myself out over other women's opinions! Later
Sweetpea sorry my reply invaded our post with vileness! I was stopping past, although I'm not a Mum as so many times pointed out, to say I totally get where your coming from and have wondered the same thing (you know,as ladies do in many other threads here). Don't let negative stories impact on you. Enjoy pregnancy and motherhood when it comes

 

[SparklesHeart]

Erm ........ Twiddle thumbs......look nervously at floor.....

I'm expecting no 4! ( not that it makes me an expert in any way, I am not saying that!) I just wanted to put my views to the op and questions she asked.

All 3 of mine have slept through from between 4 and 8 weeks. 2 breastfed for a week, one was breastfed for 19 months. I personally don't think they were very challenging in the day either. I'm not sure what type of mum I am really, I'm organised in the my head, but that doesn't always seem to translate into reality!! I don't particularly like my messy house, and when I have time I blitz it. But if I'm tired, or a child needs to go somewhere, that takes priority every time! There will be time enough for a pristine home when they've flown the nest.
I have met many parents over the years (my oldest is 10), some with "difficult" children, some with laid back children. Who knows if there is a link between parents and children's behaviours?!! Everyone has such different personalities that no two people would react in the same way to anything.
I go through parenthood with the same view as my birth plan. I plan for it to go like this, but if I need a bit of help here and there, well its fine with me.
I hope all these replies have helped you, as you can see, motherhood can be so different for every mother!

Good luck!

 

[Larkspur]

My deepest heartfelt apologies for stepping into a thread that clearly I had no right to do. What a lovely response though ... "I hope it doesn't happen to you but if it does, remember this?!" Good luck nasty "ladies" who scaremonger and stress. You know what, I sugar coated my last reply. It IS what you make of it, millions of woman do it and do it very successfully so make of that what you will because I'm not coming back to read your pathetic woe is me excuses or stressing myself out over other women's opinions! Later
Sweetpea sorry my reply invaded our post with vileness! I was stopping past, although I'm not a Mum as so many times pointed out, to say I totally get where your coming from and have wondered the same thing (you know,as ladies do in many other threads here). Don't let negative stories impact on you. Enjoy pregnancy and motherhood when it comes

Wow.

Sweet Pea, I hope you don't feel I was having a go at you in this thread.

And I hope you can see the stories that mums here have shared for what they are, not scaremongering or attempts to stress you out but honest responses from mothers trying to respond kindly to your question. I find the response above saying we are making "woe is me excuses" for admitting our struggles to be sad and hateful. I am sure that is not what you intended for this thread.

 

[Eleanor ace]

My deepest heartfelt apologies for stepping into a thread that clearly I had no right to do. What a lovely response though ... "I hope it doesn't happen to you but if it does, remember this?!" Good luck nasty "ladies" who scaremonger and stress. You know what, I sugar coated my last reply. It IS what you make of it, millions of woman do it and do it very successfully so make of that what you will because I'm not coming back to read your pathetic woe is me excuses or stressing myself out over other women's opinions! Later
Sweetpea sorry my reply invaded our post with vileness! I was stopping past, although I'm not a Mum as so many times pointed out, to say I totally get where your coming from and have wondered the same thing (you know,as ladies do in many other threads here). Don't let negative stories impact on you. Enjoy pregnancy and motherhood when it comes

Your post is totally uncalled for. There will always be a little tension when someone who hasn't experienced parenthood yet suggests that other mothers might struggle because they've approached parenthood with wrong approach. That doesn't mean you aren't allowed to post in the thread; you are and your opinion is valid, as are those of the ladies who have disagreed with you. This last post took it too far though and I will remind you of the forum rules https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/announcement.php?f=17
Particularly the section where it says
Rudeness, flaming or trolling is not tolerated on, or about, BabyandBump or its members. Any member who is intentionally disruptive may have their account restricted or banned without warning.
If you wish to continue to be a member of Baby and Bump please respect these rules.

Taking my mod hat off: I'm sure how you approach parenting and your personality type plays some part in how you adjust to being a parent, but I imagine that you will just adapt whatever your personality type, just differently to how others do. I don't think it makes a massive difference- I am the same personality type I've always been and my experiences with my babies was very different, down to their personalities and their needs- DS was an easy going baby, DD wasn't and she struggled with reflux and stuff which made her grumpy because she didn't feel well, poor little sausage .

 

[staralfur]

My deepest heartfelt apologies for stepping into a thread that clearly I had no right to do. What a lovely response though ... "I hope it doesn't happen to you but if it does, remember this?!" Good luck nasty "ladies" who scaremonger and stress. You know what, I sugar coated my last reply. It IS what you make of it, millions of woman do it and do it very successfully so make of that what you will because I'm not coming back to read your pathetic woe is me excuses or stressing myself out over other women's opinions! Later
Sweetpea sorry my reply invaded our post with vileness! I was stopping past, although I'm not a Mum as so many times pointed out, to say I totally get where your coming from and have wondered the same thing (you know,as ladies do in many other threads here). Don't let negative stories impact on you. Enjoy pregnancy and motherhood when it comes

Well, let's just say I hope your kid gives you a little bit of perspective. If by successful you mean you see happy pictures on Facebook or people out with their kids smiling and having fun, well, we do that too. I don't voice my struggles with motherhood to just anybody. I keep it to very close friends and this forum, where it's supposed to be a safe place to share them, not a place where people basically tell you that you must be doing it wrong... even though they haven't even done it themselves yet. Casual friends or acquaintances probably think I'm super "successful" by your standards, too!

No one is scaremongering. I don't think you'll ever see anyone say "Man, it's too bad you can't go back in time and not get pregnant because kids will ruin your life." The OP specially asked why motherhood was hard. What did you expect when you opened the thread?

For what it's worth, I put on a good show. I was endlessly patient with my LO when she was a baby and all I wanted to do was lock myself in a room away from her and cry. I gave her everything she needed every second of the day even though I found it miserable at times. I may not have been a positive, beaming ray of sunshine on the inside, but I made it work. The fact is, you have no idea how anyone else feels about being a mother unless they're brutally honest with you. Sometimes you'll get the answers you want, some people love being a mother with every fibre of their being. But I think you'd be surprised how many people that appear to be coping wonderfully on the outside would say "you know, this is really f'ing hard."

Good luck. If you wind up with a high needs baby who blows your expectations completely out of the water, feel free to talk to me. I have nothing but sympathy for those who are shocked by how difficult it can be to take care of a baby (I mean, hey, I was once in the "how hard can it really be?" camp myself).

 

[monkee12]

The tiredness is what I found hard and still do x

 

[ClaireJ23]

I'm a SAHM and really enjoy it. I love being with my daughters every day. It is hard work and tiring, but so are some full-time careers. Focus on the positive comments and try not to worry about what might make it more challenging.

I like this time-lapse video of a SAHM's day.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/17/time-lapse-stay-at-home-parent_n_6886342.html

 

[SweetPea3200]

Thanks again for the replies! What I'm finding from reading through all the responses is that it really does seem to be more difficult for some moms than for other. I guess it's just luck of the draw in what type of baby you get and how well you handle their particular quirks. I am worried about having a baby who doesn't sleep but I feel lucky to be on #1. I think having 2 or more babies will be terrifying, especially if one keeps you up all night.

Not many people addressed my question about the personality types. I'm still interested in more opinions. Do you think your personality before baby (as in A type or B type) makes it easier/harder when the baby comes?

On one hand, I'm glad that I'm laid back and relaxed but maybe I'll let things fall apart a little too much? Let me know what you think!

 

[ClaireJ23]

I'm not sure about personality types really, I think people can change and adapt to different circumstances.

In my career I was highly organised, a bit of a perfectionist, task-driven with perfect time-keeping. As a SAHM I am much more relaxed in everything really and it helps me to be more patient and flexible generally. Nothing is 'falling apart', the house is clean and tidy, we go out almost every day to toddler groups or do day trips and the girls are both healthy, happy and outgoing.

I do work part-time in the evenings and weekends when DH gets home (I'm a self-employed tutor) which is tiring but I'm happy and lucky to be able to continue in my chosen career (teaching).

Also, why worry yourself now about having a baby that doesn't sleep. Yours might be a good sleeper. And don't worry about having more children. Having my second was much easier in some ways as I was more confident as a mum and (mostly) knew what I was doing.

 

[Zephram]

I don't think it has much to do with your personality type, but more to do with your expectations prior to having children that might change the way you react to becoming a mother.

For me, I had this notion that I would know what to do with my newborn because of mothers' instinct! Let me tell you what, if you're anything like me you'll be left scrambling when you realise that there's no instinct that can tell you why your fed, clean, dry, warm and burped newborn is crying again at 3am (4am, 5am, all day ). He just defied expectations, didn't sleep, probably had undiagnosed reflux (thanks to the doctors who fobbed us off) and cried almost all the time he was awake. I found it incredibly difficult. Yes, he was a very hard baby, but what I'm getting at is that if your baby magically comes along meeting your picture of what being a mum is going to be like, you'll find it much easier than of they come out doing something totally different. You just have to wait and see what you'll get and realise in the meantime that you can't control this and not to get too attached to your expectations or your dream of what motherhood is like.

 

[Scout]

I'm not really sure if personality type has a lot to do with things, bc no matter what you have to adjust to baby. Before baby, I was almost OCD when it came to house cleaning, was probably overly organized, and had a melt down if I accidently broke something. My daughter is almost 2. My house is clean but messy most of the time, my closets are a mess, and my daughter just dunked my 3rd phone in a year in her water table. No biggie. There are more important things. I'd rather play with my daughter than run around constantly cleaning up after her. I can still find my clothes. I've ordered a cheap used phone off ebay (and learned an important lesson that I should have learned 2 broken phones before LOL) I think having a baby puts things into perspective. So even though my personality is perfectionist type with everything in its place, baby has kind of forced me to relax a bit and it's not been hard to do that.

It's so hard to explain. Babies are hard. Some are not as hard as others. My daughter was horrid as a newborn. She had reflux. She had colic. By her 2nd week of life, I could no longer put a coherent sentence together bc I was so sleep deprived. To this day, if I hear a newborn cry (and the newborn cry is distinctly different than a baby or toddler cry) I actually cringe. But you know what? I'd do it all again in a heartbeat! Even with no sleep and a newborn who screamed for hours on end, there were quiet moments when I would just stare at her and my heart just overflowed with love. Still does. I still can't get thru , "you are my sunshine" without crying. It's just all so worth it.

 

[bebedreamr]

Phew! Finally read through all these posts. So many good points.

I found the first 6 weeks of motherhood the most challenging with an infant- I was terrified of SIDS, she was awful in the car, I worried if she was getting enough breast milk and generally adjusting to te interrupted sleep made it hard. After that I felt motherhood was pure joy- I felt blessed with a good baby and a good support system.
Fast forward to now- I have a very strong willed, independent three year old. I have found this stage the most challenging! I get lots of sleep but I think more than that, I need more patience.

Parenting is really hard, at times. I think like anything in life you go through "hard times" and sometimes I remind myself it won't always be this way. But then when my daughter tells me she loves me, or that the best part of her day was playing with me, or when she smiled at me or kissed me for the first time... Those are the moments I will remember, and the hard times will be memories I look back and giggle at a little. To think of how we have grown together.

Parenting is hard, and full of love and laughs and tears. Surround yourself with good supports. If you live far from family, join a mommy group in your area and make some friends you can rely on. Don't lose yourself in the process of being a parent, take turn with your partner. And don't let mommy guilt control you. You are important too!
Being a mom is hard. It's tiring. It's emotionally exhausting. But it's amazing in the most unexpected moments and I think that's what makes it so spectacular!

 

[eulmh82]

I was the same. I was like baby sleeps 14 hours a day what's so hard. For me it was the lack of deep sleep. We didn't do too bad... Got 6-7 hours a night but it was the fact it was only in two hour snippets that was the issue for me. I felt drugged. That gets easier. Then the wind and the holding baby in a certain position for two hours (I still have shoulder issues from this three years later) but that all passes. Now at three it's the fight for his personality and Independance to come through. But generally we're ok it is harder than expected well it was for me because they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture but it passes and new things arise and you learn to handle those etc x

 

[SweetPea3200]

Thanks ladies! I guess I really should start "sleeping now while I can!" too bad it's so darn hard to get comfortable when pregnant! Maybe my body is trying to prepare me for the lack of sleep later. Those of you who faced the sleep problem, did you find it easier to have baby in your room/in bed with you or in his/her own bedroom?

 

[hivechild]

Thanks ladies! I guess I really should start "sleeping now while I can!" too bad it's so darn hard to get comfortable when pregnant! Maybe my body is trying to prepare me for the lack of sleep later. Those of you who faced the sleep problem, did you find it easier to have baby in your room/in bed with you or in his/her own bedroom?

I started off with him co-sleeping in an arm's reach co-sleeper, but because of his reflux, I couldn't night feed lying down and just put him back to sleep. He had to be upright for 20-30 mins after a feed, and with the setup of our bedroom and the hassle of getting up and out of bed etc. it became easier for me to have him in his own cot (right next to ours) and for me to either crash on the futon in there or just get out of bed and go feed him in the chair in his room.

I would have otherwise been happy to cosleep if it had worked for him and us, but pukey babies in bed is not pleasant for anyone!

 

[Berri]

Thanks ladies! I guess I really should start "sleeping now while I can!" too bad it's so darn hard to get comfortable when pregnant! Maybe my body is trying to prepare me for the lack of sleep later. Those of you who faced the sleep problem, did you find it easier to have baby in your room/in bed with you or in his/her own bedroom?

Def easier having him in my room for a few months - didn't waste precious sleeping minutes walking through the house in the middle of the night . Also could get to him quickly before he got too worked up.

Once mine outgrew the bassinet they went to their own room but I have a comfy chair in there to feed if I need and yes, I have spent hours sleeping in said chair

 

[staralfur]

For the first two weeks we tried to put my LO in her bassinet but that was miserable. She never slept longer than 20 minutes if she wasn't directly touching me. Eventually I caved and brought her into bed with me and never looked back. She still woke every hour or two but that was better than 20 minutes, and I didn't have to get up or fully wake. I just popped a boob in her mouth and went back to sleep. Much easier!

 

[likeaustralia]

Taking care of a baby is fairly easy. They have easy needs. Babysitting and/or childcare as a profession is NOTHING like being a mom. Motherhood is hard. It's your baby, your responsibility. It's constant worry, constant planning, constant wondering if what you're doing with your 1 day old, 1 week old, 1 year old, 3 year old.... is going to result in a happy, well adjusted human being.

 

[Larkspur]

It's 1000 x easier to have them in your own room (which is recommended for the first six months anyway to reduce SIDS risk), in my opinion.

My daughter is going through a developmental sleep regression (just started walking) and getting her eighth tooth at the moment, so her sleep is an absolute mess. I am sadly not exaggerating at all when I say that she has woken up every 45 minutes to 1 hour, all night, every night, for the last week.

If I had to get up and go to her in another room every time she woke, I would be a zombie right now. As it is, between co-sleeping and coffee, I can tough it out for however many weeks of this I have left.

Sleep regressions are common after three months. My daughter was waking 1-2 times, or even STTN up to four months, but just like my son, her sleep got a lot worse after that.

At least now I have the experience to know that this is a phase and will pass, but sleep regressions can be brutal to get through, especially as a first-time mum. At the risk of sounding like a broken record - the most positive attitude in the world doesn't necessarily get you far when you are heavily sleep-deprived. There's nothing wrong with admitting it when you're finding it a hard slog, and asking for help, or doing whatever is easiest for you.