Mom's, What Makes it So Hard?

[Gwen77]

The difference is motherhood doesn't stop. Unlike babysitting or working with kids, you don't get to give them back when you're tired or sick or just need a break. They are your whole life. And that's not a bad thing just an all consuming one. It's 24/7. I love being a mother but your whole life changes. You don't come first anymore and you want it that way.

^^ Exactly what she said. It' a 24/7 job. The biggest thing for me, was that it tested my patience. Big time. You have to develop some patience with babies and toddlers and it's so frustrating to figure out what they need/want when they can't communicate it to you.

I will however, say this: It gets easier. I heard that a lot when my LO was a baby. We had a lot of difficulty at feeding times and night time and hubby and were beyond exhausted. But my parents kept saying that it gets easier. And it does.

 

[mummyruston]

I'm
Not a FTM but work part time and flexibly around my daughter self employed so I'm at home a lot.

I wouldn't say it's so hard and awful! Yes it's challenging, you barely get chance to drink a cup of tea whilst it's hot, you have to wolf your lunch down and forget day time adult tv. It's all about cbeebies, dancing, games, play doh in your carpet, cake mix in your hair and random conversations.

There's far many benefits that outweigh the challenges! I love how I experience so many milestones from their first steps, words, toilet training, first letter writing and I really enjoy being part of my daughters life over hearing it from a stranger or reading it on a report.

There will be things you miss about work, for example the daily adult conversation etc but you find other adult conversation in the park, soft play, play and stay groups etc.

 

[SweetPea3200]

Thanks so much for all the replies!! I think the problem for me is that I know everything that people are telling me, I just can't really understands because I haven't experienced it yet. I'm just going to focus on the good stuff and looking forward to what's to come rather than worrying about all the stories I'm hearing. No matter how hard, relentless, stressful, or emotional it is, I know we'll get through it and it will be totally worth it. Thanks again, you ladies are wonderful!

 

[auntiesarah25]

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say that for me hearing all those things and experiencing them are 2 totally different things. I was fine the first few months but once winter hit! Man I was depressed. Being stuck inside 24/7 because of the horrid cold temps was the worst.

 

[nosurprise]

I love this post!!! I wonder the same thing Sweetpea. I'll be a FTM but have a HUGE family and have always been around kids (I've 7 brothers and sisters and more nieces and nephews) so I'm pretty comfortable. Other people in my family have never really altered their lifestyle after they had kids, they still go on holidays and eat out at nice restaurants but I think it is what you make of it personally. If you have the mindset that your world is going to be turned upsidedown then I guess it will be easier for that to happen. I don't know, maybe I have a rosy view of it all and I could yet be proven wrong but I'm so so excited for this baby and I just don't see that my life will suddenly be a chaotic mess :-| I know it will be a challenge, don't get me wrong, but I do secretly eyeroll when people say things like 'you're an A-type now, wait until you have kids', as if my whole persona is going to change or standards will slip because of it. Of course things will be different but you make situations adapt to whats right for you so I would take these 'warnings' with a pinch of salt and see how it all pans out for you!x

 

[staralfur]

I really think how hard you find being a parent hugely depends on the temperament of your child and that's not something you'll know until they're here.

I've known people with completely content babies that rarely cried, were happy going anywhere or doing anything, could fall asleep anywhere, and slept amazingly well from the beginning. And then they grow older and turn into toddlers who will play independently or adapt easily to new environments, and I'm sure those people would tell you that things aren't so hard and you can carry on with your life mostly as it was before.

But as someone who had a high needs baby and has an almost three year old that doesn't sleep through the night, that hasn't been my experience at all.

We still take vacations and eat out, but meals at restaurants and vacations with a little one are much different than they used to be. I was actually more stressed out on the first couple of vacations that we took than had we just stayed home. Restaurants are great now but for the first 2 years of my LO's life it was either having to stop eating to feed her (and nursing while sitting in a small booth and trying to enjoy your meal is not easy), or getting up every 10 seconds to chase her around the restaurant, because convincing a newly walking toddler to sit down quietly for 45 minutes to an hour is just not a thing that's going to happen for most people.

I adjusted my expectations after I realized that most things were going to be harder with a baby, but it was still a complete shock (and sometimes still is) how much harder even the little things are when I'm responsible for a young kid all day every day.

I am the most laid back person I've ever known and my DH and I made a point to fit our LO into our lives as much as possible, but there are always sacrifices and changes that you just have no choice in making. I can tell you that being completely desperate for sleep while your baby/toddler refuses to sleep and knowing that you just can't close your eyes is one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced. It feels like very real and relentless torture at times.

I often look back at my pregnancy and wish that someone told me that it might be really, really hard. The people in my life were telling me it wasn't so bad, it was going to be lovely and beautiful... and honestly, there was nothing lovely or beautiful about it at first. Sometimes it just sucks. Sometimes you might want to leave and never come back. I don't think it's a bad thing to be told ahead of time that there are probably going to be some very dark days. Thankfully there will be some very bright ones, too.

Or, you could win the baby lottery and continue living life wondering why people say it's so hard to take care of a baby.

 

[Larkspur]

I love this post!!! I wonder the same thing Sweetpea. I'll be a FTM but have a HUGE family and have always been around kids (I've 7 brothers and sisters and more nieces and nephews) so I'm pretty comfortable. Other people in my family have never really altered their lifestyle after they had kids, they still go on holidays and eat out at nice restaurants but I think it is what you make of it personally. If you have the mindset that your world is going to be turned upsidedown then I guess it will be easier for that to happen. I don't know, maybe I have a rosy view of it all and I could yet be proven wrong but I'm so so excited for this baby and I just don't see that my life will suddenly be a chaotic mess :-| I know it will be a challenge, don't get me wrong, but I do secretly eyeroll when people say things like 'you're an A-type now, wait until you have kids', as if my whole persona is going to change or standards will slip because of it. Of course things will be different but you make situations adapt to whats right for you so I would take these 'warnings' with a pinch of salt and see how it all pans out for you!x

Another thing that's hard as a parent is when you've spoken up honestly about the tough parts of the experience, and then someone who doesn't even have kids comes along and blithely invalidates everything you've said with comments like, "parenting is what you make it" and acts like they think you've probably done something wrong if you found parenting more challenging than you expected.

I don't think everyone who has contributed to this thread so far sees their lives as chaotic messes, or had to change their whole persona, but many people have generously shared how it has been tough at times, and your comment is pretty dismissive.

 

[staralfur]

I love this post!!! I wonder the same thing Sweetpea. I'll be a FTM but have a HUGE family and have always been around kids (I've 7 brothers and sisters and more nieces and nephews) so I'm pretty comfortable. Other people in my family have never really altered their lifestyle after they had kids, they still go on holidays and eat out at nice restaurants but I think it is what you make of it personally. If you have the mindset that your world is going to be turned upsidedown then I guess it will be easier for that to happen. I don't know, maybe I have a rosy view of it all and I could yet be proven wrong but I'm so so excited for this baby and I just don't see that my life will suddenly be a chaotic mess :-| I know it will be a challenge, don't get me wrong, but I do secretly eyeroll when people say things like 'you're an A-type now, wait until you have kids', as if my whole persona is going to change or standards will slip because of it. Of course things will be different but you make situations adapt to whats right for you so I would take these 'warnings' with a pinch of salt and see how it all pans out for you!x

Another thing that's hard as a parent is when you've spoken up honestly about the tough parts of the experience, and then someone who doesn't even have kids comes along and blithely invalidates everything you've said with comments like, "parenting is what you make it" and acts like they think you've probably done something wrong if you found parenting more challenging than you expected.

I don't think everyone who has contributed to this thread so far sees their lives as chaotic messes, or had to change their whole persona, but many people have generously shared how it has been tough at times, and your comment is pretty dismissive.

I'd like to see someone take a four-month-old version of Abby to a restaurant and try to make that a positive experience. I left public places in TEARS most of time and I am a very relaxed, calm person.

 

[mum140381]

i am pregnant with number 7 its fine yes hard sometimes but great fun going out is quite easy really but people always say to me i dont know how you cope lol i just get on with it x

 

[SweetPea3200]

Oh I actually really liked nosurprise's post. I don't think she was trying to be dismissive just trying to go into it with a positive attitude. I guess if you think it's gonna suck, then it probably will right? Maybe I didn't understand what she way saying.

I definitely am worried about having a high needs baby, my understanding is that I was like that as a baby. I guess I would just have to learn to embrace a messy house that I can't leave cuz my kid screams everywhere we go. Fingers crossed that I do win the baby lottery though. I was actually just telling my hubby last night that we need to go out for dinner more now cuz I'm not expecting to visit a restaurant for a least a few months after baby arrives.

I'd like to expand on my original question a bit. Do you ladies think your personality before baby arrives can make it harder or easier? For example, I am a total type B. I'm very calm and I don't mind a messy house or a lack or schedule. Do you think the more organized and type A mom's have it easier or harder? Or does it completely depend on the personality of your baby?

Thanks again for all the replies so far!

 

[CamoQueen]

My first was a very hard baby, very fussy, wouldn't sleep unless we were skin-to-skin (leading to 1 year of co-sleeping complete with night feedings), hated his car seat and screamed bloody murder any time we had to drive somewhere with him. Funny enough, he was soothed somewhat by the Night At the Roxbury soundtrack, so we played that CD over and over and OVER for about a year and a half to the point where DH and I had memorized all the songs. When he was 3, he was diagnosed with high-functioning autism.

So I come from this with the experience of a tough first child. I agree with the ladies here that said, it is relentless. Endless. My husband is military and we live states away from family, which made it harder, for sure, so you shouldn't have that issue there. But going from being able to just go somewhere, anywhere, with only a few minutes notice evaporates. You can't do a lot of the things you enjoyed doing before without major scheduling. Then there's the issue of who will watch the baby, do you trust them, pumping enough (if you plan to BF), etc. When you're out, you will find yourself inexplicably worried about them, even when you saw your kid an hour ago and you couldn't wait to get out of the house.

Kids will drive you CRAZY. They are very, very needy, all the time. They can't help it, but it's very taxing. At the same time, you will feel more love than you ever knew possible, and you won't be able to imagine your lives without them. Motherhood has been a mix of the highest highs and lowest lows in my life. Times of complete frustration and despair, but also times of euphoric love. It's kind of like war, hard to comprehend until you're in it.

So don't focus on the bad, take it one day at a time. Kids are awesome, and awful, hard and easy... in ways I never understood until I had some of my own.

 

[mummyruston]

Thanks so much for all the replies!! I think the problem for me is that I know everything that people are telling me, I just can't really understands because I haven't experienced it yet. I'm just going to focus on the good stuff and looking forward to what's to come rather than worrying about all the stories I'm hearing. No matter how hard, relentless, stressful, or emotional it is, I know we'll get through it and it will be totally worth it. Thanks again, you ladies are wonderful!

You'll never have a day so hard and go to bed thinking my boss is a &£@" - you'll walk in and see your baby sleeping peacefully, a smile will appear on your face and think I love this!

You don't get that feeling after a bad day at work!

 

[pachamama92]

Thanks so much for all the replies!! I think the problem for me is that I know everything that people are telling me, I just can't really understands because I haven't experienced it yet. I'm just going to focus on the good stuff and looking forward to what's to come rather than worrying about all the stories I'm hearing. No matter how hard, relentless, stressful, or emotional it is, I know we'll get through it and it will be totally worth it. Thanks again, you ladies are wonderful!

You'll never have a day so hard and go to bed thinking my boss is a &£@" - you'll walk in and see your baby sleeping peacefully, a smile will appear on your face and think I love this!

You don't get that feeling after a bad day at work!

So, so true!!

 

[hivechild]

For me being a parent is one of the biggest challenges you will ever encounter, how you take the challenge on is up to you, yes it's hard but it's also rewarding. Routine was the key for me and my daughter responded very well. From the day she came home from hospital she had a bed time of 8 PM which then gave me time to have a quick clean round, a bath and prepare for the next day by sterilising bottles, my husband would then make all bottles before he went to work in the morning. My daughter used to wake at 2 am and 6 am for a feed for the first 6 weeks before she slept through so me and hubby would take it in turns with the night feeds which were done in the dark so not to confuse baby that it was time to wake up, as soon as she was fed she would go straight back in her crib awake to fall back to sleep herself. I never over stimulated her during the night. She would then sleep till 10 am so I could use this time to get ready or have a lie in do ironing etc.

A baby is an addition to your family and if you let your baby control everything then that's when it becomes hard and mentally draining a baby needs to know where she stands and needs a calm environment. My daughter was a dream to bring up into routines but believe me she is a little madam and very challenging but no matter how challenging she is throughout the day I know it's chill time at 7pm

I used to think I had experience with babies and children, and that I'd still be able to go out, do all kinds of things with baby in tow, that they would easily adjust to our daily rhythm and easily fall into a routine.

Then I gave birth to my son. People say newborns do little else but eat and sleep. I wasn't warned that some of them only sleep for 40 minutes at a time, occasionally a couple hours if lucky. He had reflux so couldn't even be fed then laid down to sleep. He had to get held upright otherwise he'd just wake screaming and puking.

He wouldn't easily go to sleep when we were out, so I had to become one of those mums who couldn't go somewhere at certain times of the day because it was during nap times. No, he wouldn't just eventually fall asleep. He would just keep going, and going and going. He cried a lot, and often when he was awake.

Sorry, but no amount of calm expectation, feeding and handling in the dark at night and all the other "advice" we are given as new mothers on how to turn your baby into an "easy baby" was going to help a jot with my child.

He was later diagnosed with sensory processing disorders and yes, he is an addition to our family, but we were the ones that ended up needing to adapt to accommodate him into it.

That's one of the difficult things about parenthood. It's never the same right answer for any given family and child, and even what works for one child may be completely ineffective with their next.

To me, the secret to motherhood has been to really listen to my child, and do what is right for him, even if at times inconvenient or exhausting to me.

 

[staralfur]

For me being a parent is one of the biggest challenges you will ever encounter, how you take the challenge on is up to you, yes it's hard but it's also rewarding. Routine was the key for me and my daughter responded very well. From the day she came home from hospital she had a bed time of 8 PM which then gave me time to have a quick clean round, a bath and prepare for the next day by sterilising bottles, my husband would then make all bottles before he went to work in the morning. My daughter used to wake at 2 am and 6 am for a feed for the first 6 weeks before she slept through so me and hubby would take it in turns with the night feeds which were done in the dark so not to confuse baby that it was time to wake up, as soon as she was fed she would go straight back in her crib awake to fall back to sleep herself. I never over stimulated her during the night. She would then sleep till 10 am so I could use this time to get ready or have a lie in do ironing etc.

A baby is an addition to your family and if you let your baby control everything then that's when it becomes hard and mentally draining a baby needs to know where she stands and needs a calm environment. My daughter was a dream to bring up into routines but believe me she is a little madam and very challenging but no matter how challenging she is throughout the day I know it's chill time at 7pm

I used to think I had experience with babies and children, and that I'd still be able to go out, do all kinds of things with baby in tow, that they would easily adjust to our daily rhythm and easily fall into a routine.

Then I gave birth to my son. People say newborns do little else but eat and sleep. I wasn't warned that some of them only sleep for 40 minutes at a time, occasionally a couple hours if lucky. He had reflux so couldn't even be fed then laid down to sleep. He had to get held upright otherwise he'd just wake screaming and puking.

He wouldn't easily go to sleep when we were out, so I had to become one of those mums who couldn't go somewhere at certain times of the day because it was during nap times. No, he wouldn't just eventually fall asleep. He would just keep going, and going and going. He cried a lot, and often when he was awake.

Sorry, but no amount of calm expectation, feeding and handling in the dark at night and all the other "advice" we are given as new mothers on how to turn your baby into an "easy baby" was going to help a jot with my child.

He was later diagnosed with sensory processing disorders and yes, he is an addition to our family, but we were the ones that ended up needing to adapt to accommodate him into it.

That's one of the difficult things about parenthood. It's never the same right answer for any given family and child, and even what works for one child may be completely ineffective with their next.

To me, the secret to motherhood has been to really listen to my child, and do what is right for him, even if at times inconvenient or exhausting to me.

Yep, this.

You are dang lucky if you have a six week old who sleeps through the night and for that long. Sorry, but that's not routine or anything you did, that's a good sleeper and most of us are not so fortunate regardless of what time we say is bedtime. I hate the mentality that routine and effort = a good sleeper, as though those of us waking up twenty freakin' times a night into toddlerhood just haven't tried hard enough.

Sorry I'm getting a bit testy and derailing your thread a bit here OP, you've been really lovely with all of the responses. Can you tell I never sleep?

 

[SweetPea3200]

Totally fine by me! My sister's first was a non-sleeper and my SIL's second is also a non-sleeper. I really feel for them but obviously I can't understand what it's like. I really hope I'm lucky and get one that sleeps for at least a few hours at a time. It must be really hard to never get a good night's sleep. I think I would go a little mental.

 

[Eleanor ace]

The lack of sleep is definitely the hardest part for me. My DD isn't an easy child, we have some hard days, but the nights are the hardest. She's a bad sleeper (she's 2 next month and still up most hours and takes a long while to get to sleep most nights) and some nights I'm just so tired I want to cry and I panic thinking about adding another poor sleeper into the mix (my DS was up every hour until he was 1 and didn't start sleeping through until he was 29 months, I've come to accept I just make bad sleepers!). But as the saying goes- it'll all come good in the end. I just remind myself that the sleepless nights and sometimes hard days are a small price to pay for a family I love more than anything- and I will make my children suffer when I'm old and they're looking after me; I'm used to not sleeping, I will happily wake up every 30 minutes asking for a drink/snack/to look at fireworks/to ask the time/to just be awake

 

[nosurprise]

I love this post!!! I wonder the same thing Sweetpea. I'll be a FTM but have a HUGE family and have always been around kids (I've 7 brothers and sisters and more nieces and nephews) so I'm pretty comfortable. Other people in my family have never really altered their lifestyle after they had kids, they still go on holidays and eat out at nice restaurants but I think it is what you make of it personally. If you have the mindset that your world is going to be turned upsidedown then I guess it will be easier for that to happen. I don't know, maybe I have a rosy view of it all and I could yet be proven wrong but I'm so so excited for this baby and I just don't see that my life will suddenly be a chaotic mess :-| I know it will be a challenge, don't get me wrong, but I do secretly eyeroll when people say things like 'you're an A-type now, wait until you have kids', as if my whole persona is going to change or standards will slip because of it. Of course things will be different but you make situations adapt to whats right for you so I would take these 'warnings' with a pinch of salt and see how it all pans out for you!x

Another thing that's hard as a parent is when you've spoken up honestly about the tough parts of the experience, and then someone who doesn't even have kids comes along and blithely invalidates everything you've said with comments like, "parenting is what you make it" and acts like they think you've probably done something wrong if you found parenting more challenging than you expected.

I don't think everyone who has contributed to this thread so far sees their lives as chaotic messes, or had to change their whole persona, but many people have generously shared how it has been tough at times, and your comment is pretty dismissive.

What I find funniest about your post is that on one hand your rightfully pointing out that we shouldn't judge one another yet your very quick to downplay the opinion of someone who doesn't have children. Does this make someone's opinion less valid? Does not having children somehow not entitle you to make a comment about how you think YOU will handle things when the time comes? At no point did I suggest that anyone SHOULD do anything one way or another. What I said was based on MY life; my family, my friends, and how each have coped with things differently and MY observations of their expectations before their babies arrived. I don't know you, I don't know other ladies here so I couldn't possibly downplay any experience you have had. Your reply shows your sensitive about something and I've an obviously touched a nerve unintentionally and for that I am sorry but actually, as a forum when women are supposed to come together and help one another, I don't find in any way, your reply to be helpful. Your victimising yourself and pushing a bully card onto me for simply posting what my experiences have been. Your entitled to disagree, your entitled to roll your eyes and laugh at the silly girl who just hasn't experienced the reality yet but your not entitled to insinuate that I'm being disrespectful to other women who have had a tough time because that's simply not true.
Sweetpea, thank you. I'm glad you could see what I was saying. as FTM's I guess we will always worry but worrying now shows how much you care about getting it right for you and your family and that's half the battle. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.x

 

[d_b]

It's hard to explain, it's just such a huge, life-changing event to bring that new baby into your home! With DS1 I was in pain from stitches and extreme pain from breastfeeding for weeks. He didn't sleep more than a 3 hr stretch for the first 9/10 months. I was so tired and stressed trying to be a good mom. I found it way easier with 2 but it can be frustrating at times, especially when DS1 doesn't sleep well. Now preg with #3 and I just keep thinking thank goodness this isn't my first!

 

[Larkspur]

I love this post!!! I wonder the same thing Sweetpea. I'll be a FTM but have a HUGE family and have always been around kids (I've 7 brothers and sisters and more nieces and nephews) so I'm pretty comfortable. Other people in my family have never really altered their lifestyle after they had kids, they still go on holidays and eat out at nice restaurants but I think it is what you make of it personally. If you have the mindset that your world is going to be turned upsidedown then I guess it will be easier for that to happen. I don't know, maybe I have a rosy view of it all and I could yet be proven wrong but I'm so so excited for this baby and I just don't see that my life will suddenly be a chaotic mess :-| I know it will be a challenge, don't get me wrong, but I do secretly eyeroll when people say things like 'you're an A-type now, wait until you have kids', as if my whole persona is going to change or standards will slip because of it. Of course things will be different but you make situations adapt to whats right for you so I would take these 'warnings' with a pinch of salt and see how it all pans out for you!x

Another thing that's hard as a parent is when you've spoken up honestly about the tough parts of the experience, and then someone who doesn't even have kids comes along and blithely invalidates everything you've said with comments like, "parenting is what you make it" and acts like they think you've probably done something wrong if you found parenting more challenging than you expected.

I don't think everyone who has contributed to this thread so far sees their lives as chaotic messes, or had to change their whole persona, but many people have generously shared how it has been tough at times, and your comment is pretty dismissive.

What I find funniest about your post is that on one hand your rightfully pointing out that we shouldn't judge one another yet your very quick to downplay the opinion of someone who doesn't have children. Does this make someone's opinion less valid? Does not having children somehow not entitle you to make a comment about how you think YOU will handle things when the time comes? At no point did I suggest that anyone SHOULD do anything one way or another. What I said was based on MY life; my family, my friends, and how each have coped with things differently and MY observations of their expectations before their babies arrived. I don't know you, I don't know other ladies here so I couldn't possibly downplay any experience you have had. Your reply shows your sensitive about something and I've an obviously touched a nerve unintentionally and for that I am sorry but actually, as a forum when women are supposed to come together and help one another, I don't find in any way, your reply to be helpful. Your victimising yourself and pushing a bully card onto me for simply posting what my experiences have been. Your entitled to disagree, your entitled to roll your eyes and laugh at the silly girl who just hasn't experienced the reality yet but your not entitled to insinuate that I'm being disrespectful to other women who have had a tough time because that's simply not true.
Sweetpea, thank you. I'm glad you could see what I was saying. as FTM's I guess we will always worry but worrying now shows how much you care about getting it right for you and your family and that's half the battle. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.x

The whole thread was asking women who are mothers what they found hard about motherhood when they weren't expecting it. So yes, in this particular instance, the fact that you're not a mother yet does make a difference.

It wasn't about how you THINK you will handle things. All of us here had ideas pre-birth about how we would handle things, and I guess the point we have all been making is that even with the best of intentions, those ideas can get turned upside down and things can be harder in different ways than you expected.

I stand by my assertion that your comments were dismissive, and your reply even more so. I actually really hope you don't have a harder time with motherhood than you're expecting, because I've seen some really heartbreaking threads here of mothers who felt just like you pre-birth and very differently six months later. But if you do find things harder in different ways than you expect, I hope you'll remember this thread.