Multiple losses, TTC #1. Anyone else?

[confuzion]

Hi all. I am trying to conceive number 1, have had 3 losses, and just getting really down about it. Sometimes I feel like I should accept that I may never become a mom at all. I was wondering if anyone is in the same boat as me? I feel kind of lonely and just wish I knew someone who knows what it's like.

This journey has dragged on way more than I ever imagined it could.

 

[GingerPanda]

Hey, C. You know I'm totally right there with you!

 

[confuzion]

Yeah ging. You're the only other person on here I know who is in the same crappy place I am. We are definitely the minority it seems though. I hate being in this crap minority .

 

[cutieq]

I'm TTC #1 and just had my 2nd loss this month

Definitely understand! I was just telling my TTC buddy today that I hate to be in this category.

 

[GingerPanda]

Seriously! I don't feel like I fit in with the rest of the TTC #1 groups. It's too painful when they get knocked up with sticky beans the first time.

 

[cutieq]

Seriously! I don't feel like I fit in with the rest of the TTC #1 groups. It's too painful when they get knocked up with sticky beans the first time.

haha Ginger, I've been there. like whaaat you're TTC#1 and GOT it on #1.. the heck?! The boards made me realize I'm not alone in what I'm going through. I'm going to my doc on June 3rd to chat with her. I'll be sure to share any helpful information she may have. I'm also convinced that more women may be having chemicals and just aren't aware of it, but maybe that's just what I tell myself for comfort.

 

[GingerPanda]

Yup! I die a little inside every time I see a signature that says "TTC#1, Cycle 1: !!!" And their ticker says they're like 36 weeks. Uuuuugh, like... Why was it so easy for you?! When I manage to even GET pregnant at all, it's a miracle (and enough Clomid to give me full-body acne), but then I lose them. Infertility is bullcrap. RPL is bullcrap. Put them together, and raaaaaage!

 

[cutieq]

Yup! I die a little inside every time I see a signature that says "TTC#1, Cycle 1: !!!" And their ticker says they're like 36 weeks. Uuuuugh, like... Why was it so easy for you?! When I manage to even GET pregnant at all, it's a miracle (and enough Clomid to give me full-body acne), but then I lose them. Infertility is bullcrap. RPL is bullcrap. Put them together, and raaaaaage!

OMG reading this and then seeing your rainbow icon was perfect. It'll happen for us and our beautiful babies will be born just when they're supposed to!

 

[GingerPanda]

I love my new avy. Hopefully it won't get me banned.

 

[confuzion]

I know exactly what you mean! And I hate to be such a bitch sometimes and be so angry that good things are happening to other people but damn it when is it going to be our turn?!

Even the girls on here who I form bonds with. It seems like they all move on to healthy pregnancies. And I'm happy for them but would be happier if the same was happening for me, you know? Makes it hard to read their updates sometimes.

And sometimes I wish I could just give BnB up altogether because it makes things worse sometimes. But I've made too many friends here that I genuinely like and I have no friends IRL that I'm willing to talk to about my struggles. So I feel like even though it's hard sometimes, it's vital for my sanity.

Now I'm rambling. Sorry ya'll. Just getting ready to entertain the witch again and feeling a little moody.

 

[cutieq]

TOTALLY feel you there. I thought about friending everyone I wanted to keep in touch with and just using PM, because sometimes it's hard to read the threads.

Even the encouragement you get on the threads is hard to swallow at times. Hard to get excited when you're suffered multiples.

Upside, these are the only girls I can talk about CM with hehe. With each passing cycle, I get a little more detached to TTC and more in tune with nature and reality.

 

[confuzion]

lol the encouragement! Me too! I mean I love all the ladies who say it because they mean well but sometimes when I'm feeling like crap and someone says oh it's happening so soon and there's still a chance even though you got a BFN. I just want to scream! Like no! No it's not happening soon! It's gonna take freaking forever! And I said I'm out so just stop! Haha. Seriously I feel like a raging bitch sometimes. Just angry at myself I guess. It always feels like a failure when it doesn't happen. Or when I lose a bean. Somehow it's an inadequacy in me. And it just makes me mad.

 

[confuzion]

And I hate anyone feeling sorry for me. So even with my BnB friends I feel like I put a brave face on because I hate the sympathy. I'm very proud in that sense.

 

[GingerPanda]

I freaking hate when people say stuff like "You're not out til the witch shows!" But I find myself saying it to people all the time!

I think it's because I didn't get a faint BFP with the first pregnancy until right before bed 14dpo.

 

[confuzion]

Lol ginger I say it all the time too. I've always gotten early BFPs though so I feel like that saying doesn't apply to me.

 

[cutieq]

Yea. I'm guilty too. I think it's because it's very hard to say "sorry love not happening".

I've gotten better about not saying anything at all and letting women with less 'tude answer haha.

It's very hard not to be bitter or jaded. Doesn't mean I'm not happy for everyone because I LOVE seeing the lines and tests. It gives me hope. The only time it really bothers me is when I'm losing one or not getting a BFN.

This time around I got my lines with several ladies. Mine faded and theirs got stronger. THAT HURT. I took a few days off until I could gather myself to be back.

I really hate the sympathy too. Makes me feel broken or something, so I'm normally just crying while I type "i'm hopeful for next cycle"

 

[confuzion]

We're kindred spirits

 

[GingerPanda]

This time around, I miscarried within days my first pregnancy's EDD. We had the "sorry, no heartbeat" scan on Valentine's Day, and I was still passing tissue on my 25th birthday. We were so excited, because pregnancy #2's EDD had been just a few days before when our anniversary was going to be. That suuuuuucked.

 

[confuzion]

Yeah ginger that's just unfair. Also, for me, tons of people IRL got pregnant the same time as me. One just had her baby, and the other ready to go any day now. With MMC #1, my SIL was pregnant the same time as me and now her little boy has gotten so big. He laughs all the time. I love holding him but wish I had the baby his age that I was supposed to have. Painful reminders.

 

[GingerPanda]

I know that feeling. My evil sociopath teen SIL got knocked up on purpose with #2 to trap her current boyfriend (she tried to do this with a different guy and #1, but it didn't work) a month or two after I had MC#1. She then had the kid about a month after I had MC#2.

The good news is that I don't like the name she chose for the new baby, and it's ugly. Like. I know all new babies are kind of ugly, but this thing is like "melted potato mixed with gross old man" ugly.

Maybe that's mean. I don't care.