Mum being awful about me not managing

[pradabooties]

So, my 7 month old is a high maintenance Bub. Can't put her down if she's tired, if she's fully awake she's annoyed if she's not crawling around (but I must be actively beside her / talking to her etc). My partner works 9am to 11pm so the household chores are all on me but I'm finding it almost impossible with a baby that needs non stop attention and doesn't sleep well.
Anyway, my mum knows 100% how tricky my Bub can be, she says she feels sorry for me because she never had such a hard time and had a husband at home by 5pm too. My house isn't disgusting (although she says it is) but it is far from immaculate. Her stance on it normally comes from a place of wanting to help / feeling sorry for me but all of a sudden (I think because she's having a hard time personally, out of work etc) she's being awful and angry about it.

We went away this past weekend and I cleaned with Bub in carrier (the only way although she complained and whined most of the time) for 4 hours to make sure it was nice for my mum to house sit. When she first arrived she texted me the usual xoxo's and love you etc then the next day she ignored any photos of her granddaughter on holiday I sent her and only replied to my questions in very blunt responses. She then called me later in the day clearly annoyed and asking where a key was for our shed (despite me asking her numerous times not to she clearly took it upon herself to in her eyes fix our house). She spoke pretty awfully to me and just made me really stressed out. Then my brother messaged me letting me know he just got off the phone with mum and she was really angry my house wasn't clean enough... I tidied for so long beforehand she literally must've gone through our bedroom wardrobes and drawers (which admittedly I didn't bother tidying) to have that impression.

So our weekend away was ruined because I've been sick with worry the whole time about seeing her when we go back tomorrow and her getting angry / having to see what she's done with our house, probably gone through all our personal belongings. On top of that, the main reason our house is cluttered to begin with is she's storing half of her items in our tiny house while she goes on holiday. I'm just so upset and sick over this and the dread of tomorrow. I can already imagine she'll be making awful angry comments to me and I'll just be silent as that's just my style... Does anyone know what I can do about this? I'm doing the best I can and she's making me feel like shit. Should I talk to her at a later date when we're more calm? But how do I tell her to back off?

 

[misspriss]

That sounds awful. Why does she need to house sit though, can't you just have her come by briefly and pick up mail/newspaper/feed pets, etc and then leave? Or just pay someone else to who won't judge? or get your brother to?

If you house isn't clean enough, she can get the F out of it.

My MIL used to feel the compulsive need to clean my house, but she was never nasty about it. It did cause some friction because I felt she was judging me, even though she wasn't nasty about it. Things have mellowed out on that front. She has OCD about things being clean, she feels the compulsive need to clean and tidy all day, every day. Like it pains her if something is out of place. It actually got to the point where I feel bad for her, because she can't just "let things be"...she is the one suffering. But your mom seems like real piece of work, I'm just saying.

But you need to not let it get to you. Realize SHE is the one with the problem. She is the one who cannot get over herself and let things be. She is the one with an issue. If you don't want her going through your personal things, don't ask her to house sit. Don't let it get to you. If she get's angry, do not be silent - just calmly say "I didn't ask you to tidy my house, I'm sorry you put yourself out. Please don't feel obligated to do it in the future" Don't let it be an argument. Don't get angry. Don't respond with any ill will, it will only fuel the situation. Then just do not ask her over again, ever really. If she asks why, tell her that it isn't clean and you don't want to put her out.

Why does she have to store things in your house while she is on holiday, why can't she just leave them in her house? That confuses me.

 

[minties]

You're coping just fine - it's your mother who isn't! Don't let her manipulate you like that. You shouldn't ever have to feel guilty or apologetic to her for how you keep your own home. It's so hard when you have a baby hanging off you all day.

My house only has about 20 minutes every day where it looks good, 3 kids is hard work! If anyone dared to complain or try and make me feel bad is be likely to have a screaming fit at them. My OH says the baby is the boss, she comes first and it's my job to feed her not keep the house sparkling.

 

[Left wonderin]

You poor thing that sounds just awful . But as Mintie said how dare she . If she doesn't like it tell her to bugger off !! I know easier said than done with your mum. You sound like your doing a great job in difficult circumstances . Maybe sit her down and if she wants to help identify jobs she can do ?

 

[pradabooties]

Thanks ladies. The reason she was the one to house sit was because we've also taken her cat so she can go overseas - so I didn't ask her to, she said she wanted to look after him. The reason we have a lot of her things is because she moved out of her rental, is now staying with friends and will then go overseas soon then find another rental. Anyway, I'm due to go home soon and face her being horrible I'm sure. I cringe knowing I'll probably get home to find she's been through all our drawers and wardrobes etc. Its so upsetting and annoying. I figure she's going to be too awful to reason with so I think I'll leave talking to her properly about it til a later time

Believe it or not my mum and I are actually absolute best friends most of the time! But it's like my house is this one thing she's suddenly a horrible person about

 

[Left wonderin]

Your a grown women she has no right to go though your things . You have every right to be angry with your mum not the other way around . She needs to respect your privacy a San adult . How you choose to live is your business .

If she is genuinely concerned / worried about you that is different and of that the case I can't understand her being angry with you . If she looses it at you I'd calmly explain that it is difficult at the moment being on top of everything as baby is fussy and takes priority right now . I would then also politely tell her you really appreciate her help but would prefer if she didn't go through your private things and drawers .

 

[pradabooties]

Thank you, yeah my mum has a funny way of showing worry sometimes. Often if she comes over and I'm exhausted from not sleeping for 7 months she doesn't say anything but gets visibly pissy that I'm not bright and happy and fun to be around. Her life has gone from having a well paid job and a nice house to being made redundant and having no luck finding a suitable job or house in a matter of 6 months so I understand she has reason to be stressed but I don't see why she has to then focus on my life and my problems instead of hers...

 

[Left wonderin]

She is probably feeling bad about herself and instead of dealing with it projecting those feelings onto you .. Maybe a gentler approach may help .. Like saying something like come on mum lets go get a coffee / cake / ice cream , looks like we both are struggling a bit right now / having a tough time right now . Ill listen to your woes if you listen to mne worth a shot . Get her focused on her life

 

[RaquelDee]

To put it bluntly, your mother is being horrible. You are looking after her cat and her belongings, allowing her to stay in your house at her request, and even tidied up for her. Her response was ungrateful and rude, and it ruined your weekend away.

If I were you I would disengage for a bit. Don't enter into a conversation about the state of the house, just say 'thanks for letting me know your views' and usher her out. Then leave her alone for a while. Don't initiate contact and let her think about why you've gone quiet. If she comes back and apologises, great. If not, it sounds like you need a break from her for a little while anyway. Get back in touch only when you are good and ready.

She may have some stress in her life that is causing her to behave this way, but it sounds like you also have lots of stress, too, and you are managing it without being nasty to your loved ones.

 

[pradabooties]

Thank you very much for your support! I definitely think I'll disengage for a bit. She's going away for a week from today anyway which is good, I do have to see her next weekend for a family celebration regardless but then after that again I'll just not initiate contact for a while. Just having a break would feel good, I only see her a couple of times a week at most but we generally text every day all day