Mum not interested in pregnancy :-( . What to do...?

[MemmaJ]

My mum was excited when we were TTC and asked me every month if there was 'any news'... I thought she would be really happy and excited when I got pregnant too.

In March, she had a small stroke and a week after she left hospital, I got my BFP.
I didn't tell her for another week after that, as I wanted to tell her in person and I wasn't seeing her until then.

Since I told her, she's not had any interest at all and it's really starting to upset me. She's recovered well from her stroke in the last 3 months and is doing well, so I don't think it's that...

She never asks me anything about me/the pregnancy... She was negative about me for paying for a private scan at 8 weeks, she was negative when I text her to say I had found baby's HB at 10+4, and when I text her my 12 week scan picture, she didn't even reply.

When I see her, she doesn't even mention the pregnancy/the baby, and neither do I any more because I feel like it's awkward now.
The most recent time, OH and I went for breakfast with her and my sister: OH, my sister and I were talking about something baby-related, can't even remember what. Maybe names or something. And my mum just completely changed the subject. It wasn't even done discreetly, she practically interrupted what we were saying and changed the subject to something else.

My partner is quite upset about it as he feels like she doesn't care and he's worried she's not ever going to be interested, even when the baby is here. This is his first baby so him and his family are very excited and he's taken it a bit personally. But now I am starting to aswell..!

I feel like I can't tell her anything now because she doesn't care anyway, and like I can't even mention anything about it when I'm around her... It's so awkward and I don't really know how to deal with it. OH wants me to say something to her but I don't feel like I can, I don't want to cause any tension an I know she'll go straight to my other siblings and tell them what I've said. Potentially then causing them to be angry with me too for 'causing her stress'...

How would you deal with it, or would you just leave it..?

 

[Yammas]

Sorry your having a hard time hun I've had a lot of negativity from my sister but she's slowly coming around so maybe your mum will too. Is there any way you could gently broach the subject with her? Sorry I can't be much help I don't know anything about strokes but didn't want to read and run

 

[justplay91]

Hmm. That's so strange. Do you think possibly the stroke could have caused her to realize life is shorter than she realized and now she's afraid she might not be around to watch her grandkids grow up? I have no idea, but her sudden turn is very bizarre. I hope she comes around and gets excited for her grand baby!

 

[upsy daisy1]

maybe you could speak to your sisters about whether anything has been said or if your mum has something on her mind she hasnt told you? that way not only are you hopefully going to find out the problem but also if nothing has been said at least if you do speak to your mum and she goes to them after, maybe they can tell her youve been a bit upset.

i would definatly try to get to the bottom of the problem as it would upset me alot to feel my mum had no interest. its not good to feel upset and hold it in, eventually that upset will build up to frustration and arguments.

maybe your mum has something on her mind or is worried.?
there are times where ive been upset about things and let them stay in my mind upsetting me for weeks.when i finally do speak up and question the situation, its a misunderstanding or the person is just going through some personal issues and isnt realising their behaviour is upsetting me.

not sure if i helped but i hope you sort it soon hun

 

[MemmaJ]

I asked my sister if she had said anything to her, and she said no. I then told her I feel like she's not interested and that she's been negative every time I've told her anything, and she just kind-of shrugged it off. My sister probably wouldn't tell me even if my mum had said anything to her...
She was completely different in my first pregnancy 10 years ago, but maybe that was the novelty of it being twins...

My 3 brothers aren't approachable about it either. I haven't heard from any of them since I told them I was pregnant at 4/5 weeks either!

 

[SweetPea3200]

What an awful situation I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I personally agree with PP that maybe she's worried about not being around to get to know your baby. If it was me, I would gently approach the subject by asking questions rather that making accusations (not that you would!) Maybe say something like "is there something about my pregnancy that makes you uncomfortable" or "I really want you to be involved, is there anything I can do to include you more in the baby stuff?' and gauge her reactions to those questions. I would definitely suggest having a conversation of some sort!! Good luck, hope it gets better

 

[lilmisscaviar]

My mom was like that with my first pregnancy. She wouldn't talk with me about it. As soon as my DD was born she was thrilled and came around. Maybe your mom will too? I know how hard it is when your excited to be pregnant and trying to bring in others to share your joy but they just won't. My mother isn't so thrilled this pregnancy. In fact, I can't even talk with her about it. When I try, she abruptly changes the subject and starts talking about my other two instead... which I tolerate because I know she loves them but I really wish it would hit her that she's going to be a grandmother again. She was the first person I told this time besides DH. Then again though I've had two previous losses so maybe she doesn't want to get too excited until she knows for sure this one is going to stick. Sorry, I know that doesn't really answer your question but I just wanted to tell you you're not alone

 

[Peanutt]

Does it seem as though her entire personality has changed? She may be depressed or she may be suffering from after effects of the stroke.

 

[Septie]

Have you considered that maybe the stroke has changed your mother's brain in subtle ways? That she is no longer exactly the same person? the FIL of a friend of mine had a small stroke, and after that became much more rude and outspoken (yelling at my friend, saying inappropriate things etc., when he had always treated her wonderfully in the past). That is one possibility - and I am not sure there is anything that can be done about it.
The other possibility is as others have said: A stroke is a life-altering event that puts the fear of death into you. She may be afraid to get attached as she now thinks she won't be there to see the baby grow up. Either way, I really wouldn't hold it against your mother. Enjoy the time that you can spend with her now.

 

[boobear2872]

She maybe afraid, she can be the grandma she was looking fiward to be

 

[o0oCharlieo0o]

Oh hun i know how awful it is not to have your mum on side, but she will be dont worry it sometimes just takes time, with my last baby i hadnt long been with my fiance at the time i fell pregnant (i had my first two babies with an ex husband) and my mum hadnt my fiance with a passion (probably because he didnt take no shit whereas my ex went along with everything my mum said for,an easy life) and when i told her i was pregnant she wasn't happy it ended up with an argument and her telling me i should hurry up and 'abort it' so i wouldn't be stuck with him...... I was discusted and we didnt talk properly for a while, she apologised a few months later when she realised my partner wasnt going anywhere and i was staying with him whether she liked it or not, and she adores my daughter, she hates the comment she made but all i care about is she apologised and loves my little girl completely, so im sure your mum will come around like mine did, just dont mention anything pregnancy related in front of her, thats what i did, let her have her tantrum and knew she would come around when she realised i wasnt going to rise to it

 

[misspriss]

My grandmother became depressed after her stroke, that may be something to look into.

 

[MemmaJ]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I do think she's. A it depressed (not that she'd admit it), but she still seems to be different/ok with everyone else. And she'll talk to me about other things, like my twins - just doesn't ever ask or mention the pregnancy, or have anything to say when anyone else does.

I've decided I'm just not going to say anything any more. When I do, I either get a negative answer or it gets ignored/spoken over, and it's just getting too upsetting now. OH and I were talking about it again yesterday and that's the only thing I think I can do for now... Hopefully things will change and the pregnancy progresses.

I haven't put it on Facebook or anything yet so it's starting to not even feel real for me now because most people don't know, and those that do, don't seem to care...!

 

[boobear2872]

Can you sit and have a heart to heart about what maybe bothering her?

 

[Jessicahide]

People who have had a stroke can suffer personality changes and memory lapses. Please don't be upset, remember she was excited when you were TTC that wouldn't change unless something has happened to her like a stroke for example xxxx

 

[SweetPea3200]

When I was about at your stage of pregnancy I had the same feelings of it not feeling real. Everyone else in my family already has a couple of babies so I felt like no one wanted to talk to me about it because they'd already been there, done that. Luckily it passed and once I started showing and telling my friends, I was able to get a lot more excited! Hopefully that happens for you soon too

 

[Indi84]

My friends dad had a stroke and while he is so much better he isn't quite himself still. She said little things he used to love hold no interest anymore for example. It really could be to do with that. Maybe try talking to her about it? Especially as she was so excited before.