My Annoying Sister In Law...Might Be A Topic of Controversy

[hello_kitty]

Hi ladies, I just wanted to come on here to vent a little about my sister in law who lives half the continent away from me. So apparently she fell pregnant the same time I did, but didnt tell my husband (me and her only spoke twice ever since I married my husband). When my husband excitedly told his mom about me being pregnant again, she just said "your sister is pregnant too...and also around the same time as your wife". Seriously, I didnt want to feel the way I did, but it felt like someone took a needle and popped my bubble.

So I got over that, and now she is acting up. She had a chemical before she conceived, which also happens that I too had a chemical before conceiving my son. I grieved for a few days and moved on, convincing myself that a chemical is no big deal and that it happens to many people. When I conceived my son, I was happy but took the easy approach. I learned that everything happens for a reason, and God forbid if anything happens to that pregnancy it just wasnt meant to be...yeah I know some ladies who miscarry hate to think of it that way but that was how I was able to avoid stressing myself out.

Now my sister in law is making everyone worry about her, including my husband who is living across the ocean from her and by making my husband worry it is also affecting me. My MIL said that she is afraid of everything...and I mean literally EVERYTHING; even the simple task of walking. She walks in micro steps...because she is afraid it will "hurt" her baby. She will avoid car rides. I mean, why cant she take it easy? Being pregnant should be a time of joy, not stress. Based on what my MIL said, her scans shows that baby is healthy and developing properly.

I especially hate how everyone, my husband and mother in law compare me to her and say that I am physically stronger than her thats why they dont have to worry about me that much. What the heck...I am stronger than nobody. I actually gave birth 8 weeks early, and didnt even have a rest period. Did they even think about that? Pretty much she is causing a scene just because she had a chemical pregnancy, which I also had and I hate how my MIL and husband defend her by saying "oh you have it easier than her". Did they get brainwashed and forgot about my pre term labor?

 

[2have4kids]

It's unfair, some girls garner attention easily and seem to wrap people around their little finger without even a smirk or wink. It's manipulation and you don't want to be a part of it. It's also probably part of their family dynamic. My little sister has always played the sick weak one, getting my 70 year old mother to drive 20 min over to her house to shovel her walks and walk her dog when she's perfectly capable of doing it herself. Mom has always doted after her. Meanwhile I announce my wedding and my mother doesn't speak a word about it for 6 months. When I ask her why she seems so disinterested she told me I'm the strong one and always take care of everything by myself. Right-thanks. I explained to her that because she obsesses over my little sis there's no room for giving me attention or thought. Just like when she got us ready for school if my sis sat there howling, then she got her hair done and got mom to dress her and dote over her while I had to do it all myself. I believe girls go into relationships expecting this as well. I'm happy I don't need to be like this but at the same time you need to explain your feelings to your oh. He may not be able to break the pattern but at least you've stood up for yourself.

Don't be jealous and don't play into it. I'd sarcastically tell my oh to get on a plane so he could go carry his sister everywhere if she's so afraid to walk. Get it alllllll out of his system and then when he's ready to be your husband again, then he can come home. I know, that's just silly...I don't know what the answer is. I feel like I've been in your shoes, just in a different sort of way with my little sister. I hope you can set some boundaries with him about how it effects you and tell him how ridiculous he sounds. As long as he keeps the obsessing away from you it might help. And in the mean time show you a wee bit more compassion.

 

[Lucy529]

I had the opposite of you. I had always been told I would not conceive and after an ectopic finally got my rainbow but I was careful don't get me wrong but not to that extent. I worked full time until I had to go on bed rest but everyone around me wouldn't let me do anything. I had an aunt tell me not to go up stairs bc if could cause me to miscarry. everything I did could cause me to miscarry and like you I just went with it day to day if it was meant to be it would be (as bad as that sounds) but its true. I was lucky half way through my pregnancy everyone found out my sister was also preg and she won't reveal the babies dad so that took some heat off me until my son was born but now they have backed off thank God.
I totally agree with what 2have4kids suggest to tell your hubby but in all seriousness maybe try talking to him and telling him how he's making you feel, it seems the sister loves getting the attention for no reason.

 

[MommyCandice]

I know how you feel about the attention. When I was pregnant with my son the day after I would have conceieved I swore I was pregnat and told my family and when I found out I was I was on cloud nine. Two weeks later my sister found out she was pregnant. She concieved couple days after I confirmed I was pregnant. I believe to spite me as she wasnt trying and she seen the attention I got and it shattered my happiness. The rest of the pregnancy all it was with her was her trying to compare our pregnancies I ended up hated being pregnant we even ended up having a joint baby shower planned that sucked. Then I just found out I was pregnant almost 2 weeks ago and she knew I was trying and apparently she is pregnant as well. She is due a month before me. I am not looking forward to this pregnancy as much as I normally would but what can ya do. She said im just being selfish she compares every aspect of our lives. How no help for ya hun just know that I know how you feel and im here to chat if u need someone

 

[AniMo2202]

My sister-in-law is also a bit of a drama queen.She likes to have everyone at her beck and call,and uses her 2 little girls to get all the good will and help from my in-laws,yet treats them like crap.Whereas my husband does everything for them,and he is just never good enough for them.

When we told them we're pregnant,they were excited in that moment,but since then don't really bother anymore.Personally I don't care,I don't want to be smothered by them,but I know it hurts my hubby a lot.

 

[mewannabubba]

When I was 6 months the first time round my partners nephew and his new girl had an oops and announced it. It felt like they took my time away. Everymeal or day out was built around what she could do and the made me feel like an outsider.....till I had my daughter and didn't care as we will always be each others world forever.
If she wants to ham it up, let her.... Taking mini steps could weaken the pelvic floor and cause weak bladder control

 

[Babybug]

Aaagh I hape my sister in law doesnt think this bad of me. She is a month ahead but as we live in a different country we announced early over christmas to family while we were there. I wasnt drinking they would have guessed. Anyway I felt like we stole their thunder which makes me feel bad as its there first and they are due soiner. We didnt even know they were trying. Neither of us are drama queens though so should be ok, infact if anything it will take some of the fuss and stress off me as its her first so she needs more 'advice' ha ha ha ha

 

[notready123]

I was with you until you mentioned that chemical pregnancies are no big deal. After that all I can think is that your post and attitude towards your SIL is insensitive.

Maybe she also had more than one loss and not told you?? You have a child already, is this her first? Has she experience of pregnancy before? Maybe your MIL is exaggerating??

I think you are forgetting that everyone is different and handles things in different ways. If she is anxious about her pregnancy and is fearing the worst, then why not call her and offer advice and support?? Try soothing some of her insecurities??

GL with everything..

 

[Unexpected212]

See I think this is a little harsh

I had a miscarriage very early and now I am a nervous wreck. I am really careful about certain stuff and I've booked loads of private scans. My husband is worried about me because he hates that I'm so stressed and sad and not enjoying it.

Maybe she is just genuinley terrified of losing her baby?

 

[LoveCakes]

I think it's a little harsh too, chemicals are awful and to me the same as a miscarriage.
You were able to move on very quickly but not everyone can.

I'm off in bed rest after a lot of bleeding and letting everyone run round after me . I'm normally independent to the point of not accepting help but I'll do anything for the baby.

I realise it's annoying Having to listen to them and not getting as much attention but I think you need to find room for a little pity. Plus as someone says you don't know what is being exaggerated.

 

[wookie130]

Yeah, you know, I had a chemical almost directly after having a MMC, and I have to say it was almost more difficult than the first loss. A loss is a loss...and no matter the reason, or when it occurred, women are entitled to worry and also to grieve. I was a frickin' wreck during my 3rd pregnancy...I was terrified every day that it would end. Welcome to PAL for a lot of ladies. It's normal to be fearful, and no one has any room to judge how each individual person copes with pregnancy loss.

Now, all of that being said, I'm sure it IS tough to see everyone dote on SIL, and feed into her attention-seeking behavior...my only advice here, would be to remove yourself from the situation. If someone tries talking to you about it, turn your ears off, seriously. Your MIL must realize that when your DH announced your pregnancy to her, that obviously since he is the father of YOUR baby, that YOUR pregnancy will be more significant to him at this point...so, for her to point out that SIL is also pregnant in that manner, was rather lame. You'll have to just be the bigger person here, and carry on with your own pregnancy, and let your SIL carry on with hers.

 

[hello_kitty]

Thanks ladies for your advice. I'm not trying to belittle Chem pregnancies I went through a grieving period myself but after reading about how common it was I just brushed it off and moved on. I just don't like how she is being pessimistic when really a lot of things that happens in pregnancy can't be controlled. Also my mil compares me to her and say that I am the stronger one. Is that an excuse to dote on her? I mean I don't need her to dote on me and she can't anyways since she lives in a different country but I hate comparisons. I am not the stronger on I went through more havoc. Giving birth 8 weeks early and my son experiencing a life death situation afterwards. The tears that I cried over him...I should be the weaker one and the one who should be more careful but I chose to be strong for my son. My mil and dh are very close they talk constantly. She is close to all her children and based on what she told my dh my Sil on had 1 Chem before falling pregnant. So pretty much we are on the same page except I went through a lot more. Pretty much I just feel like saying to her "have you seen what I've been through? If you've been through half of what I did then you can act all pitiful". She has people running after her but I had no one not even my own mom to care for me my entire first pregnancy. I was on my own. And when my son was kept in the hospital for 5 weeks my mom only visited once very briefly. I wish she would just enjoy her pregnancy and open up since do many people are caring for her instead of sulking. I honestly don't know why my mil would exaggerate since it makes her daughter sounds bad.

 

[Unexpected212]

I get you had a traumatic time but I genuinley don't see how it's come to the point where its about whose got it worst?

What you went through is horrible, but that doesn't make her loss and her worries any less.

I don't think your SIL is doing anything wrong, being anxious after a loss is very normal.

I'm sick to death of people telling me 'what will be will be' and 'don't worry you can't change the outcome' and 'just enjoy it'

I literally CANT. Maybe she feels the same way. I just find it impossible to relax and enjoy this pregnancy.

 

[LoveCakes]

Pregnancy isn't a competition , it's not who has it worst. No-one belittled what you had gone through.

From an admittedly brief search online in England about 7% of births are premature (before 32 weeks) which is the same roughly as the incidence of chemical pregnancies. It is about as common but you said how hard this was, you couldn't brush it off. 30 % of people get cancer but the fact it's so common is no comfort to those affected.

Her fear isn't a choice, she sounds genuinely scared. While you believe her fears are trivial she obviously doesn't. It sounds like she isn't as strong as you emotionally. The distance is probably making it difficult for her family as they feel helpless.

Speak to your hubby and explain you need more of his support, you are his priority. He went through your sons early days with you and knows how hard it was.

 

[hello_kitty]

I'm not trying to make this a competition. I guess the point I'm trying to make is why can't she look at other people who has/had it worse than her to find some relief. If it were my own sister and she was acting like that and making everyone worry I would point out the same thing to her too.

 

[wookie130]

I think it's just a situation where SIL is unable to feel the same way as you about her chemical, and she has never been through NICU hell or experienced how scary a premature delivery can be. She only has her own experience to base her feelings on, and maybe she just can't see how it could be worse, having not been through it herself. I honestly think you should just carry on with your pregnancy, wish her well, and be grateful you don't have to live with that type of anxiety. I'd be willing to bet that you ARE stronger, and while I think others should be supporting you as much as your SIL, family do tend to band together to help a weaker link out. Keep your chin up. Live YOUR life, and do your best to distance yourself from the whole thing with SIL.

 

[leahtaba]

I dont see why you are so bothered over the way she is acting. She lives in another country and you have only spoken to her twice... to be blunt you sound jelous of her taking some of your limelight.

Everyone copes with things differently and just because you feel you have been through worse doesnt mean she isnt entitled to react to a loss how she sees fit.

sorry if I sound blunt but that's just how I see things from an outside perspective. Maybe just stop focussing on her and focus on your pregnancy and be comforted by the fact that you are able to relax and enjoy the experience while others are having a miserable time

 

[hello_kitty]

Yes, I admit I am a little jealous...afterall who wouldnt be? Its part of human nature, but the thing that irks me is that she is causing all of the scene for no apparent reason. My husband called her last night and talked to her and she even said that the baby is doing fine, yet she is still acting miserable which is also affecting her own mother. My mil has a mental condition and she can easily get a mental breakdown...I've seen that happening before where she literally cant sleep for 3 days. Yet, my sil is causing her to worry like this. My mil is also semi crippled but had to travel a distance to a temple to pray for her. Dont you think this is a bit extreme?

 

[wookie130]

Perhaps it is extreme, but it is really not your problem. It's a shame that MIL allows the behaviors of others to effect her mental stability so deeply, but that truly is your MIL's deal, and her choice to not attempt to deal with things in a different way.

It's good that you can admit that you're a bit envious of all of the attention SIL is receiving...I suppose that's natural. Now that you recognize this, perhaps it'll be a bit easier to shrug it off, and look forward to the days ahead in YOUR life. You don't need any attention from these people...I say let them spoil SIL rotten, and learn to carry on. As long as DH is tending to your needs, then all of the rest really doesn't matter too much.

 

[hello_kitty]

Yes, I know it isnt my problem so I kept my mouth shut except for talking to dh about it and blowing off some steam on here. I guess I just find her annoying because she is affecting other people around her. I was sad and paranoid after my chem pregnancy but I kept it within myself and didnt want to affect anyone around me.

Anyways, I think it is time for me to move on from this because it is causing me unnecessary stress. Thanks ladies for your insights hope I didnt cause too much of a stir.