My girl hit a boy at nursery :(

[housewifey]

So my shy little girl has recently started nursery and has actually done much better than I expected her to

Anyways, last week at the end of the day the teacher told me that she had hit one of the other little ones- basically what happened was the boy had his toy car and was going 'vroom vroom' in her face, she hit him away and he cried. She got a star removed from her reward chart.

I didn't want to say anything to the teacher because it was the first time this had happened but I don't really think she should had removed her star :S

My LO has a thing about personal space and doesn't like anyone being too close to her, in her face and isn't particularly cuddly apart from with close family and friends. No I don't agree that she should have hit him but at the same time, she got a fright and it was a reaction to get him away from her.

I don't know- am I wrong, was the teacher right to take her reward away? Or should she have told her not to hit and told the other boy to get in other peoples faces??

Thanks

 

[MrsButterfly]

I can see both sides. From nursery's pov they won't know your little girls personality that well if she's only recently started and they need to be consistent with all the kids in terms of consequences for hitting.

It's tough though as the mumma looking in. I'd explain to them what you've said to us so they can help watch out for similar situations in the future.

 

[caz_hills]

To be honest I think hitting should be tackled and if they took a star away then it seems fair as I suppose that is their way of disciplining the kids.

But I understand your concern that she doesn't like people in her personal space - but at nursery it's hard for them to control where the kids go and unfortunately it will happen.

I suppose it's thinking how you would feel if another kid hit your daughter? I know my son once bit another boy at nursery and I was mortified. But then another child bit him on the face and it was horrible (teeth marks embedded and all) and I'd have expected in both cases for the nursery team to have told him it was wrong and explained the impact of what he did - just like i would have done at home.

I know it's hard as you know your LO and don't want them to be upset but also she did hit another child which isn't right x

 

[Agoo]

If it was me, I'd probably be happy with the teacher taking a star away. She probably didn't mean to lash out, and was provoked etc, but at the end of the day also needs to learn that hitting is not an acceptable response, and it's difficult to learn these things if her actions have no consequences. At the same time, the nursery needs to learn she likes her personal space, and the little boy needs to learn not to invade other kids' personal space. So if it was me, I'd have a chat with the teacher so she understands that about my kid, suggest she help other kids understand the concept of personal space, and also thank her for helping teach my kid the concept of consequences.

 

[RcdM]

I agree with the others. I think that if getting a star removed for hitting is the consequence, they shouldn't make exceptions, otherwise kids will think they can get away with things if they make up a good enough excuse. It's impossible for the daycare to control every child in every situation. So while I understand that she needs her personal space, she needs to learn how to deal with those situations without hitting, because those types of situations will continue to happen, as well as others where children are provoked. You can't control another child provoking your own, but you can help your own child learn how to deal with those issues appropriately. It will probably be a bit of a rough adjustment at first, but she's got to learn sometime. I think consistency of the daycare and how they tolerate physical behavior is important. I know you're the mom and want to defend her, so it will probably be a bit of an adjustment for you too! But like another pp said, think if things were the other way around and your dd was playing with a toy and got too close to another kid, and in turn that kid hit her. You would probably be angry if there were no consequences for that other kid, even though that kid may have some type of quirk with his space.

Anyway, I don't think you're wrong I just think it's a situation where you have to look at it from the daycare and the other child's perspective as well as your own. Maybe you can help your dd understand why hitting is wrong and help her figure out a way to handle situations where another child is too close for her comfort.

 

[cookette]

I see your side, but I agree with the nursery on this one. A child cant differentiate bewteen "this is okay to hit" and "no we dont ever hit" and "with a good reason."

 

[RaspberryK]

I don't necessarily agree with the taking a star away, but obviously there needs to be some form of action.
I do think that the boy vrooming toys in other children's faces should be disciplined in a similar manner because that's not ok either.
No one likes that, no one should have to put up with that.
Xx

 

[Eleanor ace]

I agree with the others, although your DD had her reasons, the nursery have to teach that it is never OK to hit. I imagine if your daughter had been hit then you would want the child who did it to have a consequence, as this boys parents likely would, and the removal of a star is the consequence the nursery have chosen for such an offense so they have to be consistent. I'm sure they explained to your daughter why she had the star removed, and talked to the little boy about not getting right into other children's faces (although he was probably just trying to engage with her) so they understood what happened. I'd try not to worry about it, just maybe talk to your LO about how to handle situations where someone gets too close so that she has some other coping strategies

 

[joeyjo]

I agree that consequences need to be consistent but I don't actually agree with that consequence IYSWIM! I don't believe previously given rewards should be removed from children of that age and would be asking for a copy of the settings discipline protocols and checking that everything was in line with my beliefs.

I believe removing both for the situation, explaining that we don't vroom in peoples faces & we def don't hit. Then separate from each other and having a quiet, accompagnied minute with your DD would be more appropriate before redirecting her to play elsewhere/away from him. That's how the nurseries I have used have dealt with such situations.

 

[Noodlebear]

I'm having this problem, Lucas has recently tried to hit other children and my childminder gave my OH this massive speech about how it wouldn't be tolerated there (fair enough) but he came home feeling like his parenting had been massively judged because she'd been pretty out of order. Yes, it's bad and some intervention definitely needs to take place but it's hardly out of the ordinary and her attitude is beginning to get on my nerves. She gives him a firm 'no', puts him on the floor and turns her back on him. I'm not a big lover of that because I try not to overuse 'no' and if you want to infuriate a toddler further, ignoring them to play with other children is probably the way to do it! Especially after hearing that he hit a child who took his toy....he's nearly 2, doesn't really talk to ask for it back or say that he's upset or angry. Situations like that can be easily dealt with (ie don't let children get away with snatching). If someone said LO had been hit or scratched by another child because he'd taken their toys I'd hardly be surprised and would've expected him to be told off too. It's toddler logic - a phase!
Rant over lol.

Taking away rewards isn't fair imo but I guess in a larger nursery setting they have to find a one size fits all punishment to keep it fair and effective.

 

[the why bird]

I can't say I'm a huge fan of behaviour charts as classroom discipline but if that is the method nursery uses, it would be a worse message to only enforce it sometimes.

Did they say what else they did? I would hope they also practiced with both of them what they should do if it happens again, different ways of asking him to stop/making sure he understands to stop when she doesn't like it.

I would mention to them that she's particular about her personal space, but perhaps phrase it as 'can you give her extra help in dealing with these moments' rather than 'I don't think she should have been punished'.

 

[Bex84]

Obviosly there needed to be some consequence but i do think they should be making sure the little boy wasent getting in her face. I am sure if i had simeone sticking something in my face i would feel like smacking them. My daughter is same as yours, she is shy and likes personal space. I would have thought they should try to provent situation ie little boy shouldent have been getting in her space like that in first place and needs to be taught to respect personal space (which is a tricky thing for some children) so hitting did not occur as it would be a common reaction to hit. I will say as she did hit then as i saud above of course should be a consequence as hitting not acceptable but i think it was more of a case of nursery workers failing to prevent a situation easily avoided as even if your child has personal space issue most children would react in same way

 

[LindaChew]

punishments are always hard times. yet punishments are always part of life too. we learn, become better people and grow stronger!

 

[NoodleSnack]

I agree with the nursery. At the end of the day, your girl hit another child. What I would take from the situation would be to let the nursery staffs know to interfere if another child gets too close to her and to teach her how to react should such an event occur again (like calling the staff to deal with the boy). I don't like it when another child come to take a toy from my son but I don't condone him hitting back.

 

[jd83]

While it may seem a bit harsh of the nursery, I don't think they are wrong. They have to treat everyone the same, no matter if its the first offense, or the 10th offense. No special treatment, they do all need to learn the same rules apply to all of them. I would want to make sure they understood why she reacted in that way though, to try and prevent it happening again, and to make sure the little boy is shown that its not okay to invade other's personal space.

 

[XJessicaX]

The nursery had to do something to show her that hitting is unacceptable behaviour and so I think they acted fairly. Don't be too upset though, all toddlers go through a flappy stage and I think getting to 2 years of age without bashing another child is pretty dam good going!!

 

[housewifey]

Thanks for all of your replies.

I actually agree with you all now- maybe taking the star away was the correct thing to do, never thought about them having to keep the same punishment for all so makes sense.

Although she never mentioned to me about the other little boy getting asked to keep out of her or anyone elses faces- he is still fairly new as well so (like my DD) still learning the boundaries etc in a new environment.

I'll not say anything just yet as I don't want to make an issue out of it, it's a lovely nursery and there is only about 10 in the class so the teachers are able to closely watch them so hopefully if they see him in her face in future they will try to redirect him (or her) to avoid it happening in future.

If it happens again I will bring the personal space issue up to be addressed.