My journal: PAL journey

[cupcake23]

Hello... I thought I would start a journal so I could have a sounding board

Where do I start, I'm 31, oh 32. End of last year I decided that it was a good idea to try for #3, stopped the pill beginning of January and got my bfp on the 3/3/16, I was so excited that it happened so quickly and so happy that I would get my 2016 baby.... sadly at 8 weeks I started miscarrying which was devastating and I'm still trying to cope with many emotions and fears I have to ttc again😢

It's only been 2 weeks so everything is still very raw but getting better, took a test last night which was already negative, I thought I would be upset but it's really a relief, I have a scan in EPU on Sunday to make sure everything is fine.

I'm trying to be calm and find peace with what happened but finding that is very difficult, doesn't help that my oh helps by giving me space which makes feels very lonely, luckily my 2 kids keep busy, though my dd asking for a baby sibling doesn't help🙁

After 2 healthy children having this miscarriage has questioned my body's ability to carry another, I suppose anyone that has a mc questions this 😞 But I know my family is not complete and I can't wait to ttc, it will be an anxious journey but being on this board has kept me sane 😃

So... I already feel like my period is going to start, but my body hates me so is probably playing games with me! So I'm waiting for my 1st af then it's down to business.

 

[Jchihuahua]

Hi, so sorry for your loss. I would like to follow your journal. I also had a miscarriage recently, started bleeding on 20th March and I was also 8 weeks.

 

[cupcake23]

I'm sorry for your loss jchihauhua, thank you for joining me here, how are you doing?

It was my first shift back to work last night since my mc, I was so anxious but my shift was pleasant enough and nobody asked me to many questions on my absence so I couldn't dwell on anything, it's good to be back, get some normality back in my life.

 

[mrs unicorn]

Hi cupcake, we've crossed paths on other threads but wanted to pop in to say hi and I'll be following. I'm glad going back to work wasn't too bad. It's so hard having to go back to 'normal' life afterwards. Fx af arrives soon for you. I'm cd6 into our first cycle TTC after the MMC so I'll be on this journey with you. Xx

 

[cupcake23]

Thank you Mrs Unicorn, thank you for all the advice since my mc and for joining me here.

Well I've had 5 hours sleep, think I need more 😴 But when I went to the toilet I definitely had ewcm... Mmm, I've been getting pinching/ slight cramping for the last couple of days so I thought af was going to arrive, usually have no cm prior to my period so this just confuses me! I've never taken bbt/ plotted charts to check out my fertility so any tips would be appreciate, does it matter that I work shifts?

So now I'm in 2 minds... Do I dtd and try my luck or wait for af first 🤔 Not even sure oh will touch me with a barge pole to be honest, last time (1st time following mc) I cried 🙄

 

[mrs unicorn]

Maybe you're just about to ovulate then? My ovulation was delayed by 6 days if you took the erpc as cd1. You can temp if you work shifts, there's a bit on fertility friend that tells you the best way to do it. Do you use opks? That might be easier than temping, or use both maybe.

 

[cupcake23]

Thanks Mrs unicorn, when ever I click on a fertility friend link all the numbers/ chart confuse me 😆 So I give up, never used an opk... I'm going to have to do some research.

So we did end up dtd, so here goes... I'm going to see how this month goes, anything can happen, if af arrives I'll start getting serious with ttc and see if taking bbt/ opk will help. I'm overall feeling so much better and was able to talk about my mc to a close work colleague without crying this morning, the physical part of a mc I could deal with but the overwhelming sense of loss and failure were so overpowering, I still feel that way but it feels so good not being engulfed by it all. It's also helped that I've had very supportive family & friends.

One more night shift, then annual leave, can't wait.

 

[cupcake23]

So I've had 2 hours sleep post night shift

Think the rollercoaster of trying to deal with a mc has taken its toll on my relationship with oh, he said a few things that I can't forget and now that puts my ttc journey on hold, transpires that my oh is actually worried about us getting pregnant again in case I mc again, he doesn't think I could handle it, I don't think he could handle me

So Im lost, I was so positive yesterday morning, getting back to normal but this has thrown me, I know I haven't appreciated my oh feelings on it all but I thought our relationship was strong but apparently not.

 

[mrs unicorn]

Sorry to hear that cupcake. There was a time that my DH couldn't even think about bd again, he even said he didn't want to try again straight away and wanted to leave it a few months. I was crushed. We talked it through again the next day and said lets just see how we feel next cycle. Luckily he's on board with it again now. But it can be really hard to see things in a positive/exciting light again once you have been through such heartache. Maybe give him some time and try to have another chat with him?

I think it's natural to worry about mc again. I know I do, and all the ladies I chat to on here who have lost one do too. But the reality is we are no more likely to mc again than anyone else. Again, very hard to accept or believe but there's nothing to suggest that it would happen again. Is your OH aware of this?

 

[cupcake23]

Thank you Mrs unicorn, that's basically what happened, he refused to bd with me, technically I don't know if I'm even ovulating so all I wanted was a quickie before work 🙊 In my head if I fell pregnant then that would be lovely but I have no expectations this month, however my dh just felt I was using him, that I haven't coped well following the mc and communication has been awful between the 2 of us... I'll give him the last two, I went through the mc on my own, hiding in my bedroom. I've only cried to him once about it all but he knows I've spoken to others openly about it (close female family/ friends), he felt excluded, which he probably was but that was the only way I could cope with it at the time, I just couldn't share my grief with him, it just made everything worse.

He just wants to know I am ok and that we are on the same page, it probably didn't help that I've barely seen him in 4 days, hopefully we can talk about things this evening.

Anyway... How's your ttc going Mrs unicorn? I went on fertility friend and I can now understand the charts 🙂, it seems so useful. Are things going well for you?x

 

[mrs unicorn]

I felt the same. I explained to DH that it was more about getting that side of our relationship back rather than TTC. I didn't know when I would ovulate either.

Glad you're getting to grips with FF. I like it because I feel like it confirms that I o'd and that's always a relief. I don't always temp during the tww because it stresses me out! I figure what's done is done by that point anyway!

This cycle is going well so far. I'm only cd8 but we're back to bd now. Always feels wierd sticking to a schedule!!

 

[lesondemavie]

Hi cupcake, Glad to see things are moving along for you a bit now, as painful as it may be. Forward is good, and you will get there to that baby. I think we're all questioning our bodies and what they can or can't do. We have such little control, and the stakes seem so high. If it helps any, my mother miscarried her 4th pregnancy, and then went on to have my youngest brother. There are so many stories is success after an MC. Fx that will be all of us one day too xxx.

 

[cupcake23]

I think the most important thing is that my relationship with my dh is strong so that we can support each other, I told him I've never known grief like it and he didn't expect my reaction, we've been very lucky in life, no big upsets so this has been our biggest hurdle, I still can't get away from doubting my body, it physically happened to me, so I did something wrong... those lovely thoughts in my head, I'm usually a rational person so know I had no control over it but like you say leson the stakes are so high, the fear is real.

I really do hope that it will happen to all of us very soon x

 

[lesondemavie]

Yes, there is a beauty in this pain. DH and I grew even closer and it was just so wonderful to see how strong we are as a couple in the face of something so devastating (expected but wonderful). I wish we didn't have to find out, but I'm happy to say that we are more in love than ever before (and I didn't think that was possible).

 

[cupcake23]

So dh and I had a good chat last night, no distractions and everything feels so much better between us.

I think I was ovulating this week from cm and some ovulation pain, not sure when to test as have no predicted af date 🤔 But I did buy some ICs, pack of 30 🙊 So I'll probably become a poas addict.

I have my follow up scan tomorrow, hopefully all is well. I confirmed with an OB that it was ok to ttc following misoprostol and before af so that's reassuring but I probably should have waited for my scan just to get the all clear as I dread the thought of being told it's still incomplete but I'm sure everything is fine now.

 

[mrs unicorn]

I'm so glad you and your DH have had a good chat. It makes things so much easier when you've cleared the air.

In terms of af/testing do you know how long your normal lp is? Mine actually stayed the same after the mc so I knew when af would arrive - didn't stop me testing like a nutter though!!!

 

[cupcake23]

I have no idea, I was very lucky conceiving in each of my pregnancies, so this is all new to me... I have very regular 28 day cycles, each time conceiving it's been bang in the middle of it, this is all new to me.

 

[ttc126]

Hi cupcake I wanted to follow along. I too lost my 3rd back at the beginning of February. We will be ttc again next cycle which is about 7 days away 😀

I think everything you're dealing with is normal and a lot of the relationship bumps will smooth themselves out.

 

[cupcake23]

Thank you for joining me ttc126, I'm sorry for you loss, good luck with your ttc journey.

You are completely right, I just naively thought it was all about me and how I dealt with the mc, not appreciating my dh thoughts/ feeling or the turmoil it can cause but like you say they things will smooth over.

 

[cupcake23]

I had my scan this morning, hpt was negative and misoprostol worked but I have to have another scan in 2 weeks time as she noted some bleeding in the endometrium...

I asked her when i could start ttc and she said not until my first af, she didn't seem impressed when I told her I've had unprotective sex with my dh but she said not to worry, however I am now as I don't know how this isolated bleeding will effect ttc, she said if it's still there in 2 weeks I'll have to speak to the Drs. It's so frustrating as I just wanted to get the all clear 😒