Sarah, still praying for you!
After I got through the initial sadness, hurt, anger of each of our losses (no it didn't go away, but that initial bite) and sat back to reflect and pray on it this is what I got- I was begging to have a child and a child NOW. we started fostercare process after a few losses, though continuing to try. I prayed that whichever was suppose to happen would but again I wanted it NOW. Our foster counselor dropped the ball on some things and things got way delayed.....but I believe that was suppose to happen. It prepared us for the thought of someone else's child in our home and about 2 mo later I was presented with the opportunity to babysit for someone. This child would have been so much better off in the state's custody than in her home. She just thrived in our house & grew by leaps & bounds. It broke my heart when I had to say shecould no longer come (her mom was putting my daughter's life in danger). So again, prayed for regular foster stuff to come through or to have our own. I got pregnant, which was a sign to me at this time we need to continue in this direction. Unfortunately I lost that baby too. After the initial sting of it, I found myself really having the same thoughts 'be patient, this is not the time but you needed a sign to know you can still conceive a child.' I had yet another loss, again I was to the point of begging & if I don't get pregnant I don't want to do this anymore. It was horrible to feel the hurt and to feel like God was letting me down. But each time I reflected, He was answering my prayers the outcome was just not what I wanted. I was told to be patient.
I love our children and that includes those I never got to hold. I couldn't imagine my life without m & c. C wouldn't be here if I had not lost the others, tho I wouldn't have known her I think there would have been a piece of us missing. I remind myself that these two children were chosen to walk her on Earth for a specific purpose. Each will have their own journey and reason to be the chosen ones. M is already such a light of God (she'll be 5 this wk) & many times has told people that they aren't listening to what God is telling them or something God has put on her heart. EVERY time that person was having some struggle and they knew exactly what she was talking about. I look forward to seeing what C will be used for! My losses, those children were special too....even though it was hard to keep trying & losing they were prayers answered, but I needed to be patient bc it just wasn't their purpose to be God's light here. They were for me, they were for me to see I could get pregnant bc I was going to give up each time. What if I defied God's plan for me and He lost a child he needs desparetly here to show people the truth?
I know this doesn't help with the hurt or anger. I just wanted to share what kept getting given to me in those dark days. I pray for peace for you and your family. I pray God will give you the same msg of why this has happened to you (perfect child for a perfect time to complete their life's work). Hang in there Sarah.
Hmmm, who would play me??? lol
