My situation is, well weird..any advice?

[vagirl2010]

My husband and I separated three months ago and we are not getting back together again. He is making things worse by quitting his job, moving and not telling me where he is so I can file for a divorce.

I'm 41 and want to have another child..I went to my first fertility appt today and was honest about my marital status.

I have a close friend that is willing to donate sperm and wants to participate as a father...we have no romantic interest and he has no other children. He wants to be a father and doesn't want to be married. We have known each other for 20 years.

My doctor said he cannot use his sperm unless he goes to a sperm bank, has it quarantined, tested, which can delay the process for 6 months.

I THINK THAT IS RIDICULOUS!!!

Why can't I have the right to pick the father of my child and assume the risks???

 

[Blue12]

Can you do an at home insemination - have him ahem in another room - and then put it in.

 

[vagirl2010]

Thank you so much for replying!

I read somewhere that to do an at-home insemination was actually dangerous, especially if you got air into the uterine cavity.

I know that technically, I could just go to another fertility clinic here in town that I know what they want to hear..but this guy came very highly recommended and he doesn't charge the fees that these other places to because he doesn't believe that people should get ripped off TTC.

 

[SunDevil14]

That sounds ludicrous. My husband and I had to go through IUI (and eventually IVF) 3 times and not once was anything mentioned about quarantining his sperm!? I didn't note where you live before starting my reply here, but I'm in the States; perhaps that's a requirement in your healthcare system? We did have to be fully tested for communicable diseases which I can understand for health and legal reasons. But truly, quarantining for 6 months sounds completely ridiculous. If this person were your spouse or partner would they have to meet the same requirement?

 

[vagirl2010]

The person I want to use as a donor is not someone I'm married to or in a relationship with...the clinic said HAD I NOT told them we were not in a relationship, they wouldn't have do to any of that.

So, now my two options are:

1. Anonymous donor...which I have to consider that I am knocking a child out of a father figure, I don't want to do that unless I have to.

2. Have sex with someone I don't want to have sex with.

I can't believe that since I didn't know what to lie about before I got there, that I am getting penalized like this.

 

[FBbaby]

I've never heard of home insemination being dangerous. There is a thread on this in LTTTC, maybe you can go and ask them about it. It certainly would seem to be the simplest and cheapest way to do it.

 

[Sparky67]

Playing devil's advocate here, but I could sort of see why a clinic would want to test a donor you brought along. If you are in a relationship, then there is an assumption that you are already sleeping together and you are assuming a risk for any diseases that person may transmit. If you are not in a relationship (ie not sleeping together) and the clinic used the sperm without checking and you (for example) contracted Aids, you could (perhaps) then sue the clinic. I think they are just protecting themselves, but it does seem a bit ludicrous when you could just sleep with someone.

 

[Sparky67]

I would add, however, that 6 months seems an awfully long time to run tests?

 

[vagirl2010]

Sparky, not to mention the expense.

This is a person, that strictly speaking from a STD standpoint? I would not have any concerns about this individual. He has never been a "player" and his typical relationships usually last about 4 to 5 years each time...not that it eliminates the risk at all.

It seems like that if someone was willing to assume that risk, just like when you receive blood, they do not guarantee that you cannot contract HIV or Hepatitis. It seems like I should be able to sign a waiver that it's against medical advice, sign it with two witnesses, my donor sign it, and that should be the end of it.

If I contracted HIV or anything else, the paper should be used that it was my risk that I assumed.

To me, that seems that from a legal standpoint, it should be an open and shut case.

 

[Rikki]

I don't see the harm in doing it yourself at home. I've not heard of any dangers and people do it ALL the time. There are even websites where men offer their sperm and meet up with women to donate (for a price). You can even get sites where you can have fresh sperm delivered by courier!! I'm obviously not recommending any of that, but if you and your friend are sure you want to do it, then why not?

 

[andalusi]

I actually heard the same thing at my clinic. I was toying around with the idea of using a male friend as a donor since he is also unmarried and has no kids but wanted to be a dad. This idea had been set aside by the time I went to my appointment and I decided to use a donor. But I mentioned this to the nurse and she said that if I had done that it would have been quarantined for 6 months. I think it is because they run tests then run again in 6 months because that is as long as it can take for HIV to show up. But that is my guess. Look into home insemination... after much debate I am going to try a few rounds of that first before moving on. And you will have the benefit of having fresh sperm and not having to wait on FedEx. Hope all works out for you.

 

[andalusi]

Ooops I forgot.... you might want to look into the laws in your state. I heard that in some states a child born into wedlock is considered the husbands even if it really isn't his. Just something you might want to look into since you are not divorced yet and the last think you need is more complications.

 

[vagirl2010]

You are correct that it's automatically the husband's, but it's only temporary.

If the true father takes a paternity test and wants to claim the child, he can and the court will issue an order ordering the husband's name removed and adding the true father along with a name change, if desired.

I work in pediatrics at a hospital, so I see that more than I would like to.

 

[Sparky67]

I suppose with donors, they've already gone through the 6 months quarantine thing before they are used for donation, hence they are immediately available but you would have to wait for your donor to be checked out.

 

[vagirl2010]

Which takes me back to my original point of if I am willing to assume the risk, then it should be mine to assume.

Medical procedures that are unnecessary are performed every day and people die from them...plastic surgery is a big one.

The other problem is the money it would take to do all of that lab work and testing...that is adding hundreds of dollars to the procedure, possibly a couple thousand.

 

[Gunnabamumma]

Hi VAgirl!
Sorry to hear about your troubles with hubby, but it sounds like you are moving forward and have a great support in your freind! How exciting that you both want to be parents, and have decided in this great partnership! I just think that is awesome!
Have you thought about maybe if he ejaculates into a femmcup, or a soft cup, and then you insert it? I know that softcups are used post sex, but I think you could possibly make it work for you as you are getting that sperm right up to the cervix!
I hope you can keep us updated on your situation and wish you all the very best!!

 

[mumoffive]

Maybe the danger is down to using something like a syringe and air getting blown inside. You could try something else like the above post suggested. I know it sounds like you have your heart set on a donor of your choice but would you not just consider getting an anonymous donor..way less chance of relationship complications if you ask me in the long run. I know you have known this person for a long long time but believe me, after parenting five children myself, it can put an enormous strain on a relationship and might even actually spoil the lovely friendship that you have alread. The problem always is, that people have distinct ideas of how to bring up chidren, and that itsnt always the same. Having the bond of a marriage, tends to circumvent a lot of that but if the relationship is not as strong or weak [as a friendship would be] it may be very difficult to ignore and you may be less tolerant to suggestions. Hope im not speaking out of turn, as i am sure you have given it a lot of thought. x

 

[CedarWood]

There is a thread - I think in the LTttc section about using sperm donors and alot of the girls have done at home insemination - where the donor visits you at home for the donation. They can probably give you some advice on that thread.

 

[urchin]

HIV takes 6 months to show up (because they are testing for the antibodies, rather than the virus)...so that is why they will be insisting on the 6 months quarentine. Although I can see your point that the risk to you, should be yours to take - but my guess is they are actually thinking more of the risk to your future child. Although you could sign a disclaimer saying that you accecpt responsibility if you ended up HIV+, you cannot do this on your child's behalf....so if the worst happened, your child would be able to sue the fertility centre - and that's probably what they are thinking about.

So, if you want to take up your friend's offer, you'll either need to wait the 6 months or go DIY! I have no idea why DIY insemination would be dangerous (except for the potential to pick up an STD) lots of people do it ..... you just need some method for getting the sperm up close to your cervix. The soft-cup idea should work, or a turkey baster is traditional! You would only be placing it in the vagina, not actually in the womb so really, that's not so very different from the natural method

 

[WannaB]

I was thinking along the lines of urchin too, you may be fine accepting the responsibilty of catching something but what about your child, would you want that for them I guess?? Even if it was a friend I would still have them checked out for stds etc, for your own and your childs health, what would be the good in producing a child if you wernt around to look after them for some reason that was totally preventable? They are simple bloods and if your friend is serious then he would agree to them, you can be a carrier for many transmitable nasties and not have any symptoms. Good luck hun, hope you can get it sorted asap and be on your ttc way!