My struggle

[shaunanicole]

Hey girls.

Have not been on in a long long time but I think it's time I vented to other's who know my pain. As some of you may know Ava's dad is a drug addicts, alcoholic, mentally unstable, lost little boy. He has seen Ava maybe 7 or 8 times and she is a little over a year and a half old. He has asked to see her on multiple occasions but I denied him the right because 1) his life is in such shambles that there is no hope of him being in her life consistently 2) I can NOT trust him around her 3) I don't think it's fair for him to have not wanted to be there the first year of her life and then suddenly wanting to be a dad to her.

I did bring him to court for child support (he now owes me close to 10,000 in back pay) but he did not show and has yet to make a payment. The last 4 conversations we have had he has wanted to sign his rights over to her and be done - I personally think it's because he doesn't want to pay. He has told me things like "why should I pay for a kid I don't see or know?", "I have a new family to focus on", "I just want to be done with the whole situation and put it behind me".

One half of me realizes that it's best he isn't there and that if he was in her life he would only hurt her and let her down. The other half of me is stuck in grievance mode because he has rejected her...doesn't recognize her beauty....and hasn't clean his life up for her sake. It KILLS me....KILLS ME! I can't tell you how many times I have cried over the realization that he won't really ever be there. Ava doesn't deserve this and no child does.

I do my best to cope and not allow it to taunt me. I have a GOOD man in me and Ava's life. He loves us both and takes care of us. He is my best friend, my life long love, my soul mate, and so much more. Never in my entire life did I ever imagine being so blessed with a man that has so much love and such a big heart. I thank God every chance that I get for bringing him into me and Ava's life. The thing is that I'm over the relationship me and my ex had...way over it....but I can't get over him not loving Ava enough to be the dad she so much deserves. My fiance is like a father to her. He plays with her, feeds her, clothes her, provides for her, wipes her tears, and is a good man to her....but he can't and won't replace her dad.

I think I am more wounded by me ex's actions or lack of actions when it comes to our child because of my personal experience with my dad. I spent my entire childhood begging and pleading for my dad's attention. I tried to commit suicide and was sent to the hospital, I endured many years of therapy, and at one point was taking very strong medications. I would wake in anxiety attacks, I found it hard to cope with my father rejecting me (and I have a VERY loving stepdad that has been in my life since I was 2 yrs of age)....and to think my child may face the same thing scares the he** out of me.

I have tried to make my ex love Ava. I have yelled, screamed, begged, tried to help him, prayed, and everything else but I know I can't change a grown man. I just can't accept that my child is being rejected. It eats me alive.

I just needed to vent this....

 

[BigZai]

If i were you (which obviously im not) i would let her "father" sign over his rights and talk to my fiance about him adopting her. He may not be blood but by the sounds of it he already replaced her father. Idk thats just my input which i know you were just venting not asking
The FOB of my baby is completely 100% out of the picture and hes not even born yet, it kills me because, a boy needs some sort of male figure in his life
anyway good luck hope things get better

 

[BraydensMomma]

I'm sorry to hear about your frustration. I grew up without my biological father as well and I have to say I was better off. He wanted to be in and out of my life. If I were in your shoes,I would protect my child and not allow the father to see him/her because he has not proved he can be a positive father figure. Being a parent is not a part time job. You cannot love and care for your child when you choose. Having the father choose when he wants to see him/her will just create confusion. Actions always speak louder than words. You are a good mom. Your daughter will never forget that.

 

[purpledahlia]

I think it sounds like shes better off without him, she doesnt need the ache of him coming and going or playing mind games. She has a positive male role model i would leave it at that, But still claim the maintenence money for her if he ever pays put it in a trust fund and give her it when she asks about her real father, I dont think she *needs* to suffer without him in her life cos sounds like she is loved enough as it is. He's the one missing out!

 

[littlekitten8]

James's dad wants nothing to do with him either. And I am on my own. I do get sad sometimes that he is missing out on knowing his dad but it was his choice and James has plenty of positive male role models. He is better off without his loser of a dad. It sounds like your little one has an amazing male influence and the fact that her biological dad isn't around doesn't necessarily mean that she will feel the same way you did. Kids can be really resilient and she is young enough to know no different. Have you thought about getting some councelling around your feelings over it? Massive hugs hun chin up xxx