N.o4?!

[twinklestar25]

We have 3 boys almost 11 & 8 & 18 months. We’ve had various discussions about a number 4. I never thought we’d have 4, although always wanted a big family. But now we’re at 3 & the age gap between baby & big boys, a 4th seems doable.
But! Of course there’s all the hard side of a baby & toddler and the challenges of a baby & toddler together- which like the rest of it can be hard but can be amazing also!
You can’t have the amazing side without the hard side lol and of course when my 18 month old is all cute I think awww, he melts my heart. but when he’s been a terror I think okayyy maybe we won’t have another lol.
We both change our minds, but at the moment we are both on the no more phase, well until I had a nice day in the sun with the kids yesterday haha
I think I just want to hold on to what we have for as long as possible , even though sometimes it’s stressfull & tiering. Those cute moments & those moments where there all playing together etc make it worth it
But! They do have to grow up at some point & some time for us would be nice.
I don’t know if we can do 1 more & all the craziness of a baby again plus a baby & toddler, or whether to push it out my mind & be settled as we are.

Another would mean a playmate for our youngest closer to his age which would be nice. But it would probably hold the big 2 back a little, as in days out/holidays having to work around a babies nap/feeding routine & day to day crying of a baby & toddler tantrums. Feels like it could be abit unfair, although they are getting to the age of been able to take themselves off with friends to do things. But I obvs still want to do family days out etc but wud be abit harder, but I’d still give it my best. But would probably be stressful for me for a while, the lockdown has stopped us doing a lot so far with youngest but we managed a uk hol & some trips which were fine. It’s this age that’s challenging when they want to run off in every direction & explore lol but have no sense of danger!

so that’s for 2-3 years with our youngest, another means another 2-3 years of the same, where as if we don’t have another youngest will be easier & can get out easier etc instead of starting all again!
Of course the big 2 love their little brother but I’m not sure they will understand the trade off of taking the rough with the smooth a 2nd time! But to be fair they do spend a lot of their time in their rooms on their games or out playing with friends.

we’ve recently moved to a 4 bed house so love that they each have their own room, 2 would have to share or would have to use the playroom for a bedroom if we had another.

we said if we were going to ttc it would be when lo turns 2 in Oct so a few months to think about it.

I don’t know which way we’re going to go but I do have my experience from last time when I was in the same situation about our 3rd & I kept putting it out my mind and *trying* to get on as we were but it kept coming back. well I’m in a similar situation now in that u decide no but the thought comes back again! Except I have a lot less time to ponder it this time! We’re 35 & 36 so have to decide in the next few months.

I feel we could genuinely go either way!
Do we be *slightly* irresponsible & say what will be will be & go with the flow (knowing full well as soon as we have unprotected sex I will fall pregnant!) kinda accidentally on purpose!? (Again lol) or go all in ttc or say no we won’t have another!

guess time will tell!! In the mean time any experience or words of wisdom would be great
Thanks

 

[twinklestar25]

Ok soo 2 nights in a row waking, baby’s got abit of a cold- that’s been going on since mid feb! Was clearing up but still not fully gone.
Anyway times like these that make me think against doing it all again. I need to make the decision with a clear head, it’s so hard when hormones & emotions get in the way! (Guess no one would have babies otherwise haha)
I have to remember the hard bits & not just looking through rose tinted glasses. For eg I found the newborn phase with lo harder than I thought I would after our 2nd been a chilled baby, but turns out our 3rd was like our 1st with colic & reflux! Luckily it did pass after around 3 months but he still fed little & often even though we had to bottle feed. Which means going out was tricky, lots of bottles to wash etc
The newborn phase does pass quickly but one problem gets replaced with another! I was lucky with n.o 2, he was great as a baby but it turned around when he started school for a few years and is now the past few months just starting to understand & grow up.
So you never know what kind of baby/child you may get, but I have learnt that it rarely goes like it’s pictured in your head!

the sleepless nights, potential newborn/baby unsettledness/lack of ease getting out/getting stuff done/business of a toddler/2 under 3/potential preg complications- a big potential for me, low placenta last time. They all need some thought, and it’s not exciting thinking about all that & it does pass but during, it’s hard on everyone. there's phases of challenges that differ as they grow & patches of smooth with some cute heart swell moments thrown in.
The challenges sometimes outweigh the smooth & cute moments but those snippets help you remember why you choose to do it & do make it all worth while.

like I said above you have to take the rough with he smooth & it is amazing but I’m not sure I want any extra rough.

it’s ok to not have another baby, I think it’s scary as this is it. If we decide against it there’s no turning back due to our age.

it might be nice to shut up shop know the baby days are over abs get on with moving forward.

I know that was really rambley, just getting my thoughts down at 1.30am!

 

[twinklestar25]

So it’s turned into abit of a diary! But it’s good for me to get my thoughts down somewhere I can look back on them.

Trying to get a balanced view of my feelings when things are going well v the tricky times. Although I know them really! I guess it just depends if the desire for another becomes stronger than the worry about the challenges.

At the moment I think I’m more no than yes, I love all the baby toddler little kid stage & i do feel abit of pressure to have 1 more to keep hold of that & to give our youngest a closer sibling. It’s kinda like- it would be nice to have another but not sure we’re fully up for it like we were for our 3rd- at the moment at least. But then I didn’t feel ready for another with our first 2 until our first was 2 1/2 so maybe I’ll feel more ready in a few months. It will be interesting to see how I/we feel in 6 months time as I can see it going either way, we can deal with the challenges 1 more time for the benefit, just at the moment I’m not sure if we want too but I also don’t want to make that decision & then it be too late if I was to change my mind. I need to try and consider things long term & how I might feel in a few years which isn’t easy!

for now I’m going to enjoy my 18 month old and see how we feel in 6 months, if I’m still unsure and still thinking about it then we might just go for it but if we’ve firmly decided we’re done then that will be that & I think I’d have to look for a method to avoid pregnancy long term- but even saying that, I don’t really want to do anything permanent so maybe that’s my answer!

It’s hard to explain the desire but maybe some of you will understand. I think the heart contradicts the head and you know it’s crazy to put yourself through it (again!) hence the uncertainty but there’s still something that makes you want it.

blimey that was a quick turn around all in one post!
Just going to enjoy the summer, try to relax about it & see how we feel in 6 months.

 

[Babybump87]

“It’s hard to explain the desire but maybe some of you will understand. I think the heart contradicts the head and you know it’s crazy to put yourself through it (again!) hence the uncertainty but there’s still something that makes you want it.”

This basically sums up my feelings on a 4th baby ! We have 2 DDs who are close in and and DS who is 2 in June and I would love for him to have a sibling closer to his age . Everything you stated in your posts about your older two and lack of days out holidays etc is also how I feel . It’s just so hard to let go of the feeling of wanting another baby !

We are hopefully going to try after DSs 2nd birthday too! If we still feel the same by the time that rolls around if not it will be more towards the end of the year like yourself October / November !

 

[twinklestar25]

Wow, very similar! At the moment I’m on a ‘we’re done phase’ more so. Trying to carry on like we’re not going to have another, moved our abroad hol to next summer, (due to pandemic) I had thought about seeing if it would be cancelled Incase we had another next year, but I’ve change it as abit risky if it’s not cancelled! And looking forward to getting to go next yr.
But I know I can always move it again if needs be!!
I am leaning more to no more, but I do still think about it (every day!) & wonder so I’m
Not completely there yet.

Be interesting to see how it pans out for us both! xx

 

[Babybump87]

I am just carrying on as usual and trying not to over think things too much and enjoy what I have now !

Doesn’t help that close friends have just had babies and the cuteness overload is too much haha .

We also have DD1s communion next year which she wants to go on holiday for up to now she keeps saying yes then no she wants a party ! I’ve not idea where she gets her indecisiveness from . .

But yes ,will be interesting / exciting to see what the rest of the year holds !

 

[twinklestar25]

Just thought I’d post abit of an update. I think we’re pretty much decided that we’re done now. I’m at a point where I don’t really want to do the whole newborn sleepless nights, toddler wildness etc again. Before I didnt fancy doing that side of it again but the want for another was strong enough to counteract that, plus it had been 5 yrs since I’d had a baby so that helped!
Now i just can’t see me/us doing it all again. This is how I felt initially before we had the slip up, the slip up made me really consider it for a couple of months & there was a time I thought we might of gone for it, but I was always swaying more to not doing, just a slight unsure or sad/guilty feeling for not adding 1 more, especially/mostly for my youngest.

Our sanity has to come first & I just don’t feel the same when I think about another baby. Before I’d get abit emotional & like a kind of sinking feeling about it, whether that be because of having another & putting up with the hard parts again (but also wanting one, abit!) or not having another & feeling bad for youngest! But now It just seems more matter of fact. And I don’t feel sad about it. I feel abit unsure as I’m not used to feeling like this, it’s usually the opposite so I guess I just want to make sure it’s definitely the right thing for a while longer.

I feel we’ve got a good spread, 1 about to start high school, 1 in primary & 1 in nursery. I feel we can manage as we are but think the stress levels would
Rocket adding another & having 4 in itself plus a baby & toddler again! I feel our youngest will get along just fine & will likely benefit from us been less stressed & having more time. His big brothers spend time together & apart when it suits so I reckon he will be the same & will join in with them soon enough.
3 feels like a good size, a bigger family but still doable.

looking forward to decorating our new house & all their rooms & not having to figure out who will share or move rooms if we had another! And to having fun & things getting easier as youngest grows.
But at the same time trying to enjoy now! And all the nice bits.

now I’ve got to the end of my post, it does feel abit bitter sweet, but it feels like the right decision. I’ve been thinking about some form of contraception, I’ll still give it until the end of the yr, just to make sure but I get nervous when we dtd, need to get some better condoms That don’t break!

 

[Reiko_ctu]

Just thought I’d post abit of an update. I think we’re pretty much decided that we’re done now. I’m at a point where I don’t really want to do the whole newborn sleepless nights, toddler wildness etc again. Before I didnt fancy doing that side of it again but the want for another was strong enough to counteract that, plus it had been 5 yrs since I’d had a baby so that helped!
Now i just can’t see me/us doing it all again. This is how I felt initially before we had the slip up, the slip up made me really consider it for a couple of months & there was a time I thought we might of gone for it, but I was always swaying more to not doing, just a slight unsure or sad/guilty feeling for not adding 1 more, especially/mostly for my youngest.

Our sanity has to come first & I just don’t feel the same when I think about another baby. Before I’d get abit emotional & like a kind of sinking feeling about it, whether that be because of having another & putting up with the hard parts again (but also wanting one, abit!) or not having another & feeling bad for youngest! But now It just seems more matter of fact. And I don’t feel sad about it. I feel abit unsure as I’m not used to feeling like this, it’s usually the opposite so I guess I just want to make sure it’s definitely the right thing for a while longer.

I feel we’ve got a good spread, 1 about to start high school, 1 in primary & 1 in nursery. I feel we can manage as we are but think the stress levels would
Rocket adding another & having 4 in itself plus a baby & toddler again! I feel our youngest will get along just fine & will likely benefit from us been less stressed & having more time. His big brothers spend time together & apart when it suits so I reckon he will be the same & will join in with them soon enough.
3 feels like a good size, a bigger family but still doable.

looking forward to decorating our new house & all their rooms & not having to figure out who will share or move rooms if we had another! And to having fun & things getting easier as youngest grows.
But at the same time trying to enjoy now! And all the nice bits.

now I’ve got to the end of my post, it does feel abit bitter sweet, but it feels like the right decision. I’ve been thinking about some form of contraception, I’ll still give it until the end of the yr, just to make sure but I get nervous when we dtd, need to get some better condoms That don’t break!

Good choice girl. We decided to go for it and I’ve had many weeks of regret, which is terrible to say. But true. Coming to terms with it now though. If your life is getting easier with your 3 happy healthy kiddos stick with it and enjoy. And don’t feel back for your youngest - I was the youngest and have no complaints!

 

[Bevziibubble]

Glad you've come to a decision

 

[twinklestar25]

Good choice girl. We decided to go for it and I’ve had many weeks of regret, which is terrible to say. But true. Coming to terms with it now though. If your life is getting easier with your 3 happy healthy kiddos stick with it and enjoy. And don’t feel back for your youngest - I was the youngest and have no complaints!

Ahh it’s probably just nerves & hormones, I think it’s normal to have a abit of panic when it actually happens! It’s a big deal but once that babies here you won’t imagine life without them & if you were unsure before at least now there’s a good chance you will know your definitely done without question & I think that will bring that conteness & compleation that makes you feel satisfied. I think there’s something in knowing it’s your last one that makes you able to push through 1 more time.
Congratulations xx

 

[mimi4]

Glad to know you decided. Best of luck

 

[twinklestar25]

Just popped on & saw my thread, thought I’d update. It’s 12 months on & we are not having anymore! So it turns out that staying with 3 is our end result. Which is kinder reassuring in a way that having our 3rd was the right thing to do- as in I couldn’t get it out of my head for 2yrs because it was what I really wanted but was just scared!

yes I had some doubts about whether to have a 4th but it was only due to a slip up & been faced temporarily with the possibility but it turning out not to be the case & it made me think hard about it, after prior to that been settled with 3 with a ‘review when he turns 2 to be sure’ but it didn’t play on my mind like it did for the 3rd (untill the slip up & then had a few weeks of thinking about it a lot & then that just stopped where as it didn’t, or did but always returned after a week or 2 previously with the 3rd)

my youngest is 2yr 8 months now & the thought of going back when we’re about to potty train/transition to a ‘big bed’ & loose the naps makes me say, no way! Yeah there’s the ‘it might of been nice to have 4’ but I don’t REALLY want to do it in the real World, if I had buckets of patience, never felt stress & had endless money etc then great but I don’t & I’m
Happy with that & I don’t feel like I want to do it despite the challenges, like I did with the 3rd.
So a clear difference.

so I’ll conclude that it’s true- you know when your done!

side note- I noticed babybump87 had your 4th congratulations! I’d love to know how your getting on- you were so sure that’s what you wanted, glad to see it’s worked out!

 

[Carabinieri]

good