Naming the baby - should I involve him?

[suzanne108]

I've just seen an email from FOB where he's said that he wants to be involved in naming the baby.

I've already decided on names more or less...maybe I'll change my mind when baby is here but I have a shortlist in case that happens.

Should I involve him?? I mean, I don't want to, and probably won't since I've already got my names....I just don't know how to say this to him.

I've only started hearing from him in the last week or so since we split up when I was 13 weeks pregnant. And at that point he didn't want the baby, said it would ruin his life etc etc. I hate the fact that he's decided to walk back into my life and be involved etc, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Help please!!

 

[moomin_troll]

well he has no right to name ur baby if he doesnt want anything to do with him or her when shes born.

so id tell him to actualy prove he has the right before the childs born and then id think about it.

but only u can decide this x

also he doesnt actualy have any right to jsut walk into ur life again, ur not married so his name doesnt have to be put on the birth cert as he has to be there for this to be done, and if u dont add his name to the birth cert he then will have to take u to court to prove the baby is actualy his

 

[suzanne108]

He's now saying he does want to be involved when the baby is here. But as he lives 2-3 hours away I have a feeling that it won't last..as he'll have to keep driving here. I just can't see him doing it on a regular basis.

Basically what I should have said in my first post is that I'm not gonna let him be involved in names...I just don't know how to tell him!!

I try to make sure everything I have in writing is very civil so .... I dunno how to word it!

 

[lou_w34]

I basically just told my ex what i decided to call her, i did it in a text, and just casually mentioned, by the way "ive decided to called her scarlett" and he didnt say much about it. I may change my mind when shes born, but at least he knows, its my decision. He sounds a bit like your ex, only wants to be involved when it suits him.

Tell your ex, that you have already decided on a name, and since he wasnt around at the time to help you, he's lost his chance. Dont do him any favours, especially if you think he's just gunna change his mind again and bugger off again.

I wa scared about how too word it aswell, and if you need to text it or email it, id just do it that way, be very civil about it, and just explain, that since he's only just decided to come back into your life, he has missed his chance and you have picked the names YOU like. Tell him the names, and if he decides to be a grown up about it, he will tell you he likes the names, whether or not if thats the truth.

It annoys me that men think they can swan in and out of ours lives, but only want to be involved when it suits them

 

[Serene123]

It's his baby too?

 

[suzanne108]

I hate it! I mean...I've spent the last 15 weeks or so getting used to the idea that I'm gonna be a single mum. Although the baby wasn't planned I've always looked forward to being pregnant and wanted to really enjoy the experience...all the shit he's put me through has kinda took all that away from me. Now I'm happy and he's decided to waltz back in like he never did anything wrong!! He didn't want to be involved in the horrible decisions like whether to have the triple test...but he wants all the nice stuff!

Arrrrgggh its so annoying.

I think I might just email him back and say:

I've already decided on Lola Emily or Joshua William. I do have a shortlist just in case I change my mind when I see the baby. My shortlist includes .... blah blah.... The baby will be having my surname.

Since I haven't heard from you until now I felt that it was my decision and you didn't seem interested anyway.


What do you think???

 

[suzanne108]

It's his baby too?

Yes.

 

[Serene123]

Well would you like it if you had to call your baby a name you didn't like?

 

[suzanne108]

Well would you like it if you had to call your baby a name you didn't like?

This is a baby that he wanted to get rid of.

This baby is apparently going to ruin his life and career.

He didn't come to the scan because he basically couldn't be arsed. He didn't want a picture and didn't ask how it went.

I've not heard from him for 14 WEEKS! (apart from when he sent me a facebook message to say that he wasn't coming to the scan)

Half of his friends don't even know he's about to be a father because he's too ashamed to tell them.

 

[lou_w34]

I think what you wrote sounds reasonable to me Do what YOU think is best. After all, you alone have been the one who has been nurturing this baby, without any involvment from him! If he really wants to be involved, he will start to put some effort in.

 

[Serene123]

Yeah, I've been in your position but I would never, ever have told him he couldn't have a say in his childs name. Quite honestly I think you should tell him the names you've chosen and ask him for his opinion on them. He is still the dad and if he's coming around you don't want to push him away.

 

[purpledahlia]

I think what you wrote is fair enough, I wouldnt give my baby the FOB's surname either. He left you to deal with EVERYTHING, and you have and you are the same as me and got used to doing it alone, they cant just waltz in and have it their way 2 months before the baby is due! where was he when you were going thru the tougher times? out drunk or something? why does he have a right to be involved in decision making now... cos it suits him?? pfftt.

I chose my babys name, luckily the FOB likes it and thats that, he knows shes having my best frineds name as middle name and my surname, and thats that. he knows he doesnt have a right to demand anything,

remember we dont owe these guys anything suzanne. They need to proove they are sticking around for the long run now.. not just being involved for one important decision then F*ing off again when it comes to birth.Then swannig back whenever they feel like it.

 

[babyndme]

I named the baby myself even tho FOB wanted to be involved, he wasnt aroud for half the pregnancy no matter how hard it was. i know it was really the wrong thing to do, but he wasnt around, nd still not so i decided to choose the name myself =] xx

 

[suzanne108]

Thanks for your opinions girlies.

I do get the impression he'll swan in and out of my life as its all he's done so far. I might be wrong, who knows.

Think I've decided I'll tell him my favourites and say I've pretty much decided on those. Then I'll give him my back up list...tell him he's welcome to give his opinions, if there is a certain name he absolutely hates then maybe I'll think about not using it. But I still see it as my decision...if he says he hates the name Joshua and I have a boy...chances are I'll probably still use it!

 

[teal]

I agree that what you've said is reasonable. As you said why should he get to be involved in all the nice things and leave you alone to deal with the scary things (like what tests to have done).
xx

 

[DizzyMoo]

I also agree what you wrote sounds fair enough to me hun, Just because he provided sperm that does not mean he is a DADDY or that he has the right to a say in anything, You have to earn that right imo.
Why on earth should he be allowed to swan off for months then suddenly come back & expect to have a say in certain things? It doesn't work like that & he can't expect you to agree to it either.

I've gone through this hun, Fob wanted baby to have his surname but yet why should he? Then he denied bump was even his? Whilst having a go at me for picking bumps name which as yet i haven't told him what it is. He hasn't been involved 1 little bit, he no longer speaks & at the time he did speak he was to obsessed with abusing me than asking about his baby. I chose bumps 1st name & bump will have my surname after all i am the one caring for this baby & making sure he has what he needs not him. Since he denied bump was his then imo he washed his hands there & then.

 

[woadie]

I think you're doing the right thing, suzanne. When someone has hurt you as much as he has, tried to persuade you to get rid of it, left you not knowing if he'll ever be around for the child, refused to take any responsibility and now leaves you with the distinct impression that a lot of that irresponsibility will ever change... you as the main caregiver, the nurturer, the woman who has carried this child and vowed to love it and cherish it for its whole life, when the father has stated the opposite... well, I think that tiny little right of choosing a name should be all yours. After all, its not exactly something big like telling him he cannot have contact, and as I read earlier someone rightfully said that maybe for once he can show just a tiny bit of maturity and congratulate you on the name choice for the baby he decded was to be all yours for so long...

Nice names too by the way!

 

[Novbaby08]

I named my daughter all by myself. I didn't ask him or give him a choice. If he isn't with me through the pregnancy, even as a friend. Then why should I allow him to make any decisions.
Seeing as how he hasn't been around, leave his ass behind. You've been doing just fine without him. He has no right to suddenly expect anything from you. This is YOUR baby now. Not his. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[suzanne108]

You're all so right

When I was trying to decide whether I wanted the quad test, I asked for his opinion and he didn't want to be involved in that. I'm such a worrier that it was a horrible decision to make and obviously its more than one decision as you have to think "what if it comes back high risk" and "what if the baby has downs".

Off topic but the point is that he didn't want anything to do with that decision...but he wants to be involved in the nice naming decision.

Well I replied telling him my favourite names, with my shortlist. Said he was welcome to give his opinion. Said I'd spent hours looking through baby name books and on websites, these were the only names I really loved so I hoped he liked them. I wanted to sound civil, but like I said before...if he said he hated a name it wouldn't stop me from using it, maybe I'd be evil and like the name even more haha!!!

I haven't heard anything back although I think he must have seen it as his facebook status has been updated!! Will keep you updated xx

 

[babybaillie]

I would email him ur shortlist. Try and keep things amicable for the sake of the baby. It would be best if he could be in the babies life. See how he likes ur shortlist, even ask him to come up with a shortlist of his own, u never no u may like his suggestions too