Need advice - how to tell family member about pregnancy?

[visionofmine]

I am pregnant with my third and ready to announce to family. My issue is I have a close relative that has been trying to conceive every since I had my first. She is 39 and has known since she was a teenager that it would be almost impossible to conceive naturally. She seemed okay with it until I got pregnant with my first. She was 36 at the time so her mother told her she need to get to trying. She and her husband looked into different fertility options and even tried an experimental treatment. After nothing happened she said she would just hold off at look at other options and that she was fine waiting. She and I spoke regularly and she seem okay with holding off. On my daughter's 2nd birthday I announced to the family that I was expecting again. Everyone immediately started asking her if she was okay. All of the questioning upset her and she later confronted me and said she wish I would have told her personally that way she could have been prepared. She and I have not really spoken that much since my last pregnancy and when she finally came over 5 months later she barely looked at my baby. She interacts with her now, but we aren't close any more. We've probably only spoken 6 times in over a year. My question is do I need to tell her before I make a facebook announcement? If so, how? Because we haven't spoken and I feel worst calling out of the blue to say hi I'm pregnant.

 

[greats]

That's a tough situation, but unfortunately you can't downplay your pregnancy to spare her feelings. This is a happy time for you and your immediate family... you shouldn't be told and felt to feel like you can't celebrate your pregnancy.

That being said, if you don't mind not being close anymore even in the future, then just make the announcement on fb. But if you want to save your relationship, maybe write a little card saying you've been thinking about her lately and you want her to be one of the first to know before anyone else.

She also can't expect you to downplay your pregnancy. Yes she's having fertility issues, but that's her personal life to deal with, not anyone else's.

 

[kittiecat]

personally having been on the side of needing IVF to have a baby and it taking us 4 years to conceive in all I think the relative is being a little selfish tbh. I think confronting you after announcing your 2nd pregnancy was unfair. You weren't to know that everyone would keep asking her if she was ok. Infertility is tough. It damn well sucks and I feel a lot for her but it's not fair of her to take it out on you.

If you two don't talk much anymore then I would just announce the pregnancy how you want to cause yeah if I hadn't spoken to someone much and they called me just to announce a pregnancy I'd find that hard to bear myself. It'd be different if you spoke regularly anyway. At the end of the day chances are your news may be upsetting to her anyway but there's nothing you can do about that and honestly how she finds out probably wont make a huge difference. I find out various different ways with family and friends and honestly the hurt didn't vary with the method. I just had to accept that that was my thing to deal with and certainly not their fault or problem.

Anyway sorry to ramble on what I'm trying to say is don't stress yourself over it and just announce how you wish and enjoy it

 

[kittiecat]

cross posted with greats but I like the card idea. Think that's a nice touch. Also that way she knows first but doesn't have to deal with giving you a response right away iykwim. personally i always found phone calls toughest as I didn't have a chance to process my upset before responding and I never wanted to let on to the recipient that I was upset as I was happy for them too and didn't want to take away from that.

 

[broodymrs]

Agree with kittie. A call would be hard. But a card or even a text would be a good idea

 

[visionofmine]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I was thinking a text, but I wasn't sure if that was tacky. A card may work though.

 

[Amygdala]

I'd go for a text personally. She clearly doesn't want the sympathy seeing as she got upset by the questions if she was ok. So a more casual text would be easiest for her I suspect.

 

[Isme]

I honestly wouldn't bother making a special effort to notify her first before your public announcement. I agree that that it would probably seem awkward if you all haven't been close for a while. (If she'd gotten over her issues and maintained contact, then I do think a heads up would have been nice and appropriate.) As it is, you have every right to be happy and proceed with your pregnancy/announcement as you wish. If she confronts you again, you can be honest and say that it would have felt awkward going out of your way to tell her first this time, considering the fact that you two (unfortunately) aren't very close anymore.

 

[SleepyBaby]

My last pregnancy was a blighted ovum, at the same time ( 2 weeks apart on due dates) my SIL was preggers! she posted on fb and celebrated high and low her second baby was on the way, i couldnt celebrate with her, each milestone she hit i was missing. One time she tried talking to me about her bump via fb and i cried, everything she was saying i was missing, so i asked her to give me a bitta time and when i got my head round my saga id be more than happy to join in with her joy!

I was never angry or hurt or upset about her celebrating, i did get upset over my own story but the blame or anything from that was never put on her, every life should be celebrated and even though i was hurting I knew that much! i didnt join in until i could but we never let it become an issue, we understood each person has there own story to tell!

I wrote my own story so you know im not being heartless when i say you need to celebrate! you have a right to be excited!

Post it to facebook and be happy about it! if she comes to you and complains tell her you never told her first as you are not that close anymore! or find a way to tell her first but carry on celebrating, you are not doing it to hurt her or in reality for any reason to do with her, its because you are growing a new life! she can unfollow you on facebook and hopefully she will understand, it might be hard for her but you need to enjoy the pregnancy!

 

[KatO79]

Having been through infertility myself while TTCing #1 (took 2 years plus 3-4 months, 6 IUIs and 2 IVFs with 1 CP along the way), I kinda understand your relative's feelings. I do think it's good to tell infertile friends or relatives first about pregnancy via text or email so they have time to digest things and be prepared. I think despite her saying she's ok waiting, she's not really but doesn't want to say that. Infertility is often a painful and lonely journey if no one in your family or circle of friends understands it or shows much understanding - I speak from personal experience! While I'm sure she's happy for you, every pregnancy announcemnet makes her also a bit sad for herself.

I think you should sent her a text or email letting her know you're pregnant and that you'll be announcing it in x amount of days/weeks to everyone else. That doesn't take away from your joy in any way and you'd be showing some consideration for her feelings which I think is a good thing, especially if she's a close relative that you really care about. It may even help to improve your current strained relationship if you let her know before announcing to everyone else.

BTW I think it's offensive to say the relative should "get over her issues", clearly coming from people that haven't experienced infertility first hand! To make things worse it sounds like this woman may never have children and that'll be something she'll be greiving about the rest of her life. Some understanding and empathy for this woman would be nice!

 

[SleepyBaby]

BTW I think it's offensive to say the relative should "get over her issues", clearly coming from people that haven't experienced infertility first hand! To make things worse it sounds like this woman may never have children and that'll be something she'll be greiving about the rest of her life. Some understanding and empathy for this woman would be nice!

no one said she should get over it?

the relative should understand her being happy about being pregnant the same way the op understands how it might effect the relative

 

[kittiecat]

BTW I think it's offensive to say the relative should "get over her issues", clearly coming from people that haven't experienced infertility first hand! To make things worse it sounds like this woman may never have children and that'll be something she'll be greiving about the rest of her life. Some understanding and empathy for this woman would be nice!

no one said she should get over it?

the relative should understand her being happy about being pregnant the same way the op understands how it might effect the relative

Yeah I'm sorry but no one had that attitude of "get over it" to the relative at all! all I said was that to have a go at the OP during her 2nd pregnancy was unfair and a bit selfish. I feel deeply for the relative but don't believe infertility suffers (of which I have been one) should make others feel guilty for their suffering.

 

[Isme]

Eh, I think she was talking about me. And what I said was taken wrong. I don't mean in any way that the family member should "get over" her pain and sorrow at being unable to conceive. I meant that if she'd been able to get over her reaction to the perceived slight and maintained a relationship with the OP, then the circumstances might be different and warrant another approach. But that isn't the case.

And please don't presume to know anything of my struggles (or lack thereof) because you're able to count the number of children that I have. I grieve for anyone who has ever wanted children but was unable to have them. That is terrible, and I am not unaware of how fortunate I am to have my girls. However, infertility is not the only trial someone could go through in their lifetime, and if we all kept our joys to ourselves for fear of triggering a painful reminder for someone else, then the world would be a quiet place indeed.

When I was a 20-year-old single mother with a toddler, my own mother (who was both my best friend and the only family I'd had growing up as a child) was killed in a car accident. It sucked. It nearly broke me. Thank god I "clearly had not experienced infertility issues first hand" and had instead conceived my daughter unexpectedly at 17... Having her kept me going. Otherwise I likely wouldn't be here.

Is it painful to hear other people talk about how wonderful it is to have their mothers in their lives? Yes, it certainly is at times. Would I ever want people to pretend they don't have mothers or tiptoe around me to avoid any potential reminders? No. I am able to be simultaneously devastated that my own mother isn't here, and happy and thankful that other people still have their mothers. That sentiment could translate to any number of struggles and joys.

 

[KatO79]

Isme I've been through a great deal myself. My mother is toxic and has been highly emotionally and mentally abusive all my life. She started the scapegoating of me from a very early age and my toxic brother (we have different fathers and he's 23 years older) jumped on the bandwagon. My father was almost never around as he was running his own business so was clueless. Then when I was 13, he started going senile. It got so bad he lost the business and all the money we had and my mother decided to move me and him to her home country, Denmark, as she isn't a US citizen (I was born in the US) and feared what would happen if he died. We moved here when I was 16 and I had to start in a new school in a new country and learn a new language. All the while my father growing more and more senile while my mother continued her abusive behavior, even turning my father against me on occasion. My father later got lymphoma and died 3 months later when I was 20.

I moved out at 23 a couple of years after starting college although moved is a loose term - my mother threw me out of the house for no real reason other than she didn't like me not beleiving her constantly trying to brainwashing me into thinking I'm a terrible human being. Luckily I'd gotten a dorm by then so moved there, she gave me 1 hour to pack my stuff and use the car to move stuff there and get it back to her. Which I did. I could tell you numerous stories of her abusive behavior but the best one was I didn't agree with her one day over the phone and she then started silent treatmenting me for weeks (her go to abusive tactic!). Her birthday came and I didn't know what to do so my boyfriend (now DH) advised me to bike over to her house which I did. I knocked on her door, she opened it, looked at me with disgust and hatred on her face an then proceeded to slam the door in my face! She would also involve my brother in every altercation, conveniently changing facts so I looked evil and her pure innocence. My brother is also toxic and is also abusive towards me btw. It took me years and the help of a therapist to see how abusive my mother and siblings are. I'm now currently in the process of going NC with my siblings because they refuse to be respectful towards me, they constantly put me down and when I politely ask them to stop, they silent treatment me. My therapist agrees that I need to cut them out of my life. My mother I've emotionally detached from and can somewhat handle her abusive behavior now.

So yep, I can also tell a sob story about my life.

I don't think you can compare the two, it's very different to have had a (in your case) loving mother die from you than it is to realise you will never have children. You simply can't compare the 2 things! But you wouldn't understand that having not tried infertility on your own body. And you can't say that someone's way of handling grief is wrong either, everyone has their ways of coping. I don't see how taking the relative's feelings into consideration when announcing a pregnancy is in any way something that would detract from the OP's joy. In fact, if you did a Google search, you'd find that many sites actually recommend giving infertile friends or relatives a heads up via text or letter so they can have time to digest things. So sorry, giving the infertile relative a heads up is the most empathetic way of handling things.

 

[Amygdala]

Kat, Isme wasn't telling a "sob story". Neither is this a competition for who had the hardest life. Her point, I believe, is that everyone has heartaches in their life and while someone might not have been through a specific thing, they may still be able to understand what it feels like to grieve.

 

[kittiecat]

whoa Kat I don't think Isme has at all turned it into a sob story or said that people shouldn't be empathetic to the relative but if they're not really in touch anymore then getting a text or whatever COULD seem odd depending how out of touch they are! but only the OP can judge that. Tbh I think your attitude to Isme is way too harsh and a little bitter sounding tbh. She wasn't making it a competition only explaining that she understands grief. where's your empathy?? We've all come on here with sympathy for the relative. every single one of us. You just came on here with an unnecessarily attacking attitude towards Isme just cause she's fertile and dares to have an opinion. That's not ok. Oh and that comes from someone who went through 4 years of infertility btw.

 

[Isme]

Well, that escalated quickly. LOL!

Kat079, I've been through a great many things in my life thay I did not bother sharing here... because, well, a pissing contest about hard lives was NOT the point of my post. But let's just say that loving (and being loved by) my mother does not negate the possibility of a painful childhood.

The point I was trying to make was clearly stated in my response:

"However, infertility is not the only trial someone could go through in their lifetime, and if we all kept our joys to ourselves for fear of triggering a painful reminder for someone else, then the world would be a quiet place indeed."

Then I provided a relevant example of what I meant to illustrate my point. I wasn't looking for pity, or asspats, or whatever it is you presumed when you read my post without bothering to really actually READ it. My point was that while we (ALL) have painful experiences, challenges, and heartache in our lives... It would be ever so much more tragic if we have to keep every joy to ourselves to avoid triggering an unpleasant response in someone else.

That's not to say that empathy and understanding aren't called for. In any given situation I do try to be as mindful as possible when discussing things that could be triggers. It's a long list (because infertility is simply NOT the only horrible thing that can happen to a person, though it is no less painful or tragic than any other)... But I do keep track for those that I am directly in contact with. It's those people whom I know my words can have a deeper impact on. Though, by the same token, those people who I would be cautious for are also the same people who wouldn't want me to temper my joy if something wonderful happened. It's a two-way street and kindness and empathy go a long way for EVERYONE. Even you, Kat079-- with your tragic childhood and struggles with infertility. You also have a responsibility to drum up a little of the empathy you demand from others. I'm not getting that vibe from you or your posts, though, so don't presume to lecture me on the finer points of being a decent person.

The point in my original response to the OP was not that she should ignore this family member's feelings because her pain doesn't matter. (Or that she should do it to "punish" her for the way she reacted last time.) My point was that it would be super awkward (in my opinion) and possibly a little hurtful to go out of your way to tell someone news like this if you haven't been close or in contact for a while. That's all. However, I can't possibly know the full dynamic or extent of their current association, so the OP is the only one who can make that call. If things are as distant as I understand them to be, then I would not choose to do it myself. Not out of malice, but out of a desire to spare additional pain and awkwardness for everyone involved.

 

[Isme]

Thanks Amygdala and kittiecat.

 

[SleepyBaby]

Isme i read then reread your original reply and honestly, i cant see where you said anything wrong!

think this post went full hormones there for a minute, when i questioned this statement it was because i read all the replies and could see how people would react in op's shoes but i didnt see anyone being disrespectful of the family members feelings! it confused me as to where the statement had come from.

If this post turns into a pissing contest can i join? also what the prize, id like to make room for it....

We all have our own battles, this post highlights this, but we all said the same thing, respect the family member and expect some respect back, thats whats its all about, no one said anything bad or wrong, our opinions are all different because we are different people but the end result was always agreed upon, mutual respect and understanding for both the OP and family member!

Im going back to my cake, ya'll are welcome to join

 

[kittiecat]

mmmm did you say cake?