Need advice on how to talk to someone

[lindadonovan]

I lost a baby in 2nd trimester, a while back.

I continued to attend my Sunday school class, however, a woman in the class would get up in the middle of class, go get her infant out of the nursery, bring the infant into class and breastfeed in front of me and everyone else (its a mixed group - men and women). She seemed really smug about it. I couldn't handle this right after losing my own baby. I also felt some of the men in the class felt uncomfortable with her exposing her breast. I told everyone I wouldn't come back to class for a while because I needed time to grieve.

Now someone has contacted me asking me why I am still not coming back to class. Should I tell her the class is not the best environment for me? And how would I say that? The behavior in the class is not constructive for anyone, in my opinion. I have nothing against breastfeeding because I breastfed my first child, but I don't attend Sunday school class to watch a woman breastfeed and watch the mens' faces turn red.

I could also just refuse to give a reason why I'm not returning. That might be rather harsh though. I just don't know. Yes, I am still bitter about my loss and I'm sorry if that comes through in this post.

 

[secretbaby]

If it was at my church, I would have a quiet word with the sunday school co-ordinator or the minister. They maybe able to make a area for this mum to breastfeed in a better more comfortable enviorment for her and where it doesn't make other people feel uncomfortable. I think it is definitely worth letting them know the true reason you feel unable to comeback - even if you do it via email (or cut and paste a copy of your original post) The fact that someone has asked you the reason, to me shows they miss you and they are worried about you and want to help.

I don't think you sound 'bitter about your loss' I think you sound like a grieving mum - totally normal and not bitter. Baby loss is utterly devestating and its not something you just bounce back, it does effect you on so many levels and it is so unfair and I think for me that sense of unfairness is what really gets me (its been over 2 years since our loss).

Even if you give your reasons for leaving please only go back when it is right for you (I know the pressure to return as I know many churches as desperate for good sunday school teachers).

 

[lindadonovan]

I think the church should provide a private room for nursing mothers. I don't know if I want to broach that topic with them. I am afraid they would just think I'm bitter about my loss and seeing nursing mothers is a sore point for me. However, this particular woman was flaunting her infant around me, without ever acknowledging my loss or telling me "I'm sorry". That is the problem I have with her, I felt she was either totally apathetic to my situation, or slightly malicious.

I am looking at other churches in the area because I don't know if I could go back there.

We want to find a pastor who will do a memorial service for our baby at the garden behind the hospital, where his ashes supposedly were put (I often question if the hospital did what they claim to with the baby ashes). I don't think it should be the current pastor at our church because he's been pretty apathetic about all this. Perhaps the hospital has a pastor who could do this. I don't know.

 

[Vickieh1981]

If she is feeding discretely then I don't see what she is doing wrong (obviously if she is exposing her whole breast whilst feeding then it's different).

I feed Sophia in the middle of our church or she would scream the place down and tbh I would be really mad if someone told me not to feed my baby or that I had to miss the service to feed her. I feed without showing anything off though - I put a muslin over my boob so nobody can see anything.

I can see why it would upset you to see a little baby though so maybe I would just mention that seeing a nursing infant is hard for you at the moment so you need to stay away for your own piece of mind xxxx

 

[Vickieh1981]

Sorry just reread your post and my reply. I hope I didn't come over as unsympathetic. If this woman is seeming to do this on purpose I can see why it would be so hard for you.

 

[lindadonovan]

I think there are more issues than just the breastfeeding in public. This woman has been cold to me in the past. I've had to work really hard to make friends here. This church plays favorites with people and if you aren't popular enough, nobody will talk to you.

We want to have a private memorial service for our lost child, the pastor at this church is such a cold fish that I don't want him conducting the service at all.

I'd like to know if there are many pastors or preachers out there who would do a memorial service for an unborn baby. I'd like to find someone.

 

[Vickieh1981]

If that was me I would definitely be changing churches. TBH it doesn't sound like they have a good Christian attitude at all. How dare they not speak to people who are not with the in crowd? We have quite a few homeless people that come to our church each week - they are all welcomed warmly.

I can see why you wouldn't want someone like that conducting your memorial.

 

[nickyXjayno]

I don't think you can ask for her to BF else where as thats what us girlies are constantly fighting against, we all want to BF where ever we need without judgement.
But I do feel awful for your situation as it must hurt.
Are you sure she's being smug and stuff on purpose? You could just be reading her that way as she may be feeling full of pride that she's BF and it's nothing to do with you.

She may not have said sorry to you as she may be to scared too.
I'm an ostrich type person so can appear really ignorant at times as I hate having to talk about other peoples loss to their face incase I say the wrong thing and upset them so I always avoid talking about it.
She may be the same and is just scared to talk to you?
xx

 

[lindadonovan]

:
She may not have said sorry to you as she may be to scared too.
I'm an ostrich type person so can appear really ignorant at times as I hate having to talk about other peoples loss to their face incase I say the wrong thing and upset them so I always avoid talking about it.
She may be the same and is just scared to talk to you?
xx

I am sorry if I make her feel uncomfortable, or scare her. I certainly don't mean to.

But she is not a shy person, she certainly feels comfortable doing whatever else she wants in public (breastfeeding, for example) so I'm not sure why she isn't open enough to tell me "I'm sorry for your loss".

A woman who is bold enough to expose her breasts in a room full of men is probably also capable of showing some compassion to the women in that same room.

 

[nickyXjayno]

:
She may not have said sorry to you as she may be to scared too.
I'm an ostrich type person so can appear really ignorant at times as I hate having to talk about other peoples loss to their face incase I say the wrong thing and upset them so I always avoid talking about it.
She may be the same and is just scared to talk to you?
xx

I am sorry if I make her feel uncomfortable, or scare her. I certainly don't mean to.

But she is not a shy person, she certainly feels comfortable doing whatever else she wants in public (breastfeeding, for example) so I'm not sure why she isn't open enough to tell me "I'm sorry for your loss".

A woman who is bold enough to expose her breasts in a room full of men is probably also capable of showing some compassion to the women in that same room.

You said you feel as if she is being smug and nasty and she probably knows this is how you feel and that's why she avoids speaking to you.

I personally find it insanely awkward to talk to other women about losses in real life but won't have a problem bf in public as it's got nothing to do with anyone else and is just a job that needs to be done.

All I'm saying is you seem to have a lot of anger for her for different reasons and she probably picks up on this and isn't talking to you because of it?

 

[lindadonovan]

MOST people find it awkward to talk to a women who has lost her baby.This is what makes us even more isolated in our grief.

But its not that hard to give someone a smile, or a hug and say "I'm sorry". That is all they really need to do.

 

[Mrs_X]

MOST people find it awkward to talk to a women who has lost her baby.This is what makes us even more isolated in our grief.

But its not that hard to give someone a smile, or a hug and say "I'm sorry". That is all they really need to do.

if i was aware that a lady had suffered a loss in the room, i wouldn't breast-feed in front of her. however this is only because i have had 2 losses myself and im aware.
but it is true, its not that hard to give someone a hug and say sorry. people do it when someone has lost a parent or a friend, so why not a baby?

 

[Mon_n_john]

I don't see anything wrong with her breastfeeding her child as long as she is keeping her breast covered with a blanket. It's what is best for the baby.

It is a shame that she hasn't said I'm sorry for your loss to you but I have learned that I can't be friends with everyone and heck, don't want to be friends with everyone. I rather have a few close and select friends I can rely on for comfort.

It's totally normal for you to be upset by all of this and I am so sorry for your loss. There is no need to rush back to church if you are not ready. You need to take care of you and take time to heal. I pray that you'll feel better soon.

 

[jennijunni]

I think, and dont take this the wrong way, that you could be seeing things that are not there. Maybe she is not being cold, but just not know what to say?? I would not take it personally. And if she is this cold, and mean woman, I am not sure why you want to be friends with her? Do you need her to like you? I would just ignore her, and move on. You holding this anger and carrying this around is not good for your heart and soul, let it go. And I would not leave a church I go to, do to this. There is a great saying that has gotten me through a lot of difficult situations. You choose to be offended. You can carry around that offense or you can let it go. I am not trying to be mean, really I am not, and TBH have felt a tad the same, but I know I had to let it go, or it would consume me. As far as the BFing issue, I am on the complete other side of the fence, and think she has every right to feed her child, just as you do yours. I am sorry for your loss, it is so hard to heal from. Lots of hugs for you!