:(Need some advice - had in another thread but no replys

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Third Trimester' started by MummyinJune, Jun 4, 2011.

  1. MummyinJune

    MummyinJune Well-Known Member

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    I Just need some advice before i get into this argument tonight.
    First off please dont read and run im pretty upset with my OH and worried that im the one in the wrong.
    Basicley everything was fine before we were both happy and he proposed in July then i fell preg in Sep. Too start with it was ok then he decided that he wanted a motor bike in about Feb so he sat all his tests, passed sold his car and bought a bike - took a while to get use to all he ever does now is go out on his bike, talk about it or watch bikes on tv/lap top etc..
    He thinks its ok to be doing over 100mph i get annoyed as he has a baby on the way to live 4! and yet he likes to come home every night and tell me what stupid things he has done on the bike.

    Anyway his best friends live 80miles away so he never really saw them, But now he has the bike he goes up every 2/3 weeks to see his friends. Which is ok a bit annoying as i get lonley but i dont mind to much.
    He is up there just now.. Now i am due in 2 weeks but have been told i might need to go and stay in hospital if babys not engaged by Wed meaning that this could be my last wknd at home.. But my OH was wanting to stay the night at his friends as 'He might not be able to stay again' Which i dont thinks fair as i cant do anything anymore (going out etc, plus when we started going out i stoped going out therefor ive lost all my friends i had :() Also He has been out on his bike all week i have barely seen him. He left at like 8am (its 8.20 pm just now in uk) and because he knew i wasnt happy with him staying there he is annoyed with me and says he will just be out all day tomorrow again then. Im feeling really lonley now hes never with me but he thinks that im making all his decisions in his life 4 him, but i think he should be spending a bit more time with me just now considerin i might be in hosp in a couple of days 4 what could be weeks. I love him so much and really scared that i will lose him by being moody that hes out all the time, Is this me being greedy and wanting him to myself? Or is he really spending to much 'me time' I have tried talking to him about it and it always ends up in a argument.
    Sorry about the long post. Thanks for any replys x
     
  2. calamityjane1

    calamityjane1 Well-Known Member

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    I think, if it were me Id be pretty pissed too. My OH has gone away on a stag do this weekend and wasnt sure about leaving me and Iv got 12 weeks left!!

    However I think the thought of an impending baby does weird things to some men and they feel like they have to use their last weeks of "freedom" to the max. BUT what about their pregnant partner at home who gave it all up the moment she peed on a stick!!

    Not really any advice but I think he should really be putting you and your needs first - i also think when a woman is heavily pregnant her partner should do his best to meet all her demands be them reasonable or not!

    Hugs xxxxxxxxxxx
     
  3. Jenren

    Jenren Well-Known Member

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    Didn't want to read and run !!

    I don't think I would be happy with him been so far away so close to my due date, my hubby has hardly left me exept for going to work and maybe gym twice a week.

    If he does go out he makes sure he has his phone with him and it's fully charged something he never did before I was pregnant !!

    I would just have a chat with him nothing heavy just tell him how you feel without getting angry or upset.

    Hope your ok - chin up x x
     
  4. NOMORENUMBERS

    NOMORENUMBERS Well-Known Member

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    aw hun i dont really know what to say, big hugs

    i think it is clear that he is not livingn up to what he needs to do as a partner and an expectant dad and obviously worries you as there is no real suggestion that this will end when baby is here. i totally get where you are coming from, just because baby is not here just yet doesnt mean that he hasnt got important responsibilities relating to it already

    it sucks that conversations always end in arguements when you try and discuss this with him as that is obviously what needs to be done. i know he has said that he is going to go up there less when baby gets here which should be slightly encouraging and in a way he is right that he needs to get going out out of his system but at the same time the lack of regard to how you might feel at being left alone at what could be your last weekend as a lone couple

    i have no proper advice other than trying to talk to him again, and lay down exactly what will be expected of him once the baby gets here and let him know exactly how sad you are feeling about his behaviour including risking his life on that stupid motorbike
     
  5. sinead266

    sinead266 Mother of 5

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    i think he's being selfish, its his baby aswell he should be there making sure your ok, not running round like a single man.
     
  6. Newt

    Newt tiny amphibious salamanda

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    humm difficult one. I think he should be spending time with you definatly and to be honest I would be pissed of if my DH was out all day on his bike and leaving me alone. You wont have much time for the 2 of you soon so you should be spending some time together. However, he is being typical male, with his new toy, as for taking risks he wont understand your worries untill baby has arrived They say men become fathers after the birth and it is very true. I would ask him oif he wouldnt mind spending a day with you tomorrow, that you feel lonely and need his love and support, see what he says. I thank if he doesnt wanna talk to you about tomorrow after hearing this then by all means chew his head off. :thumbup:
     
  7. mummysarah

    mummysarah Well-Known Member

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    Sorry you are feeling so upset, this is a time when you should feel secure, loved and looked after. I think it sounds like he is being a bit selfish and being in a relationship is about compromise, which he doesn't seem to understand! I think hormones are often used as an excuse by men too, when your upset and concern are justified. Maybe he's a bit scared about a new baby coming along and the changes it will bring, which i think is often the case when men start acting this way? I don't know if any of that will help or make you feel better, but i hope he starts to listen to you and best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy x:hugs:
     
  8. Lettuce

    Lettuce Getting better at this...

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    :hugs: I think most men just don't get how vulnerable we can feel about now! my husband is just in having spent the WHOLE day at a stag do, and wonders why I was angry when he didn't answer his phone?! (it's my due date today)
    I always get angry at speeding drivers, I don't blame you there! I know he wants to see his friends, but there should be a happy medium! I've told my DH that tomorrow he has to spend the day with me. He said he had work to do, but I basically said it could be the last time we get to spend time as a couple, and not as a 3! :)
    He needs to share his time.
    As for you, I think you need to see some pals too! :) either reconnect with your old ones or if their lives are too different from your now, some new ones. This will build your confidence and you won't feel like needing him so much. Plus you deserve some lovely friends to hang out with! Even just to walk to the park, or have lunch.
    Good luck chick! :hugs: xxxx
     
  9. BabyBoo36

    BabyBoo36 Guest

    I think another poster probably hit the nail on the head when she said he's feeling unsure about the changes and living out his last days of "freedom". In saying that, he should def be taking your feelings into account. My OH had about a month of going out and playing golf all the time, and I was pissed off, but he's got over that now, and now is even bothered that he's on a course on tues and weds that means he's half an hour away.

    I agree you need to talk to him as unemotionally as possible about it. Men have a tendency to try and blame any "discussions" we have with them on hormones, but if you try and stay calm, and state your worries/points of view firmly and without crying/getting pissed off, he may listen more?

    Good luck xx
     
  10. TTCNumbertwo

    TTCNumbertwo Mommy of 2 Boys

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    I have to second something mummysarah said...I bet he's incredibly scared about all the changes coming in life. I"m not saying that means this behavior is acceptable, but men tend to act out differently then women. I hope he comes around once he realizes how wonderful these changes will actually be in his life.
     
  11. lilyanne

    lilyanne Mom & Pregnant with #2

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    :hugs: It sounds like you have 2 issues. 1) He is being reckless and 2) He is going out. I can understand being annoyed with the reckless bit. I think I would be annoyed if my DH if taking chances with his life and bragging about it.

    As for the the issue of him going out with his friends for a day or two every 2 or 3 weeks, I personally don't think it is a big deal. I think it is important for men to maintain their male friendships, just as it is important for women to maintain their female friendships inside a relationship. For him it might be a way to destress and unwind. In the next few weeks he will have a baby to look after and will probably not be able to travel up to his friends for a while.

    Though pregnancy is hard on women, I think it is also hard men as well facing the unknown and life changes. I think restricting a partner from their friends (whether you from yours or him from his) is a way for resentment to build in a relationship.

    I would definitely make it clear that after this weekend, you really need his support by being around until the baby arrives. Do you have some female friends you could do something with this weekend? Perhaps call up someone you haven't talked to in a while and go out for a coffee or something? Maybe a pregnant woman you met in your birth class? Best of luck!
     
  12. Mother of 4

    Mother of 4 Mom to 5 & pregnant

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    He should definetely be more supportive and giving you more time. I'm so sorry for all these selfish men I've been reading about lately :hugs:
     
  13. cyanidepill

    cyanidepill Well-Known Member

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    To start with him selling the car so that he can have a bike - yes its what he wanted, but isn't practical for a baby on the way, so perhaps that was a bit selfish in a sense.

    I can sympathise with the constantly watching stuff on bikes etc, as my husband is the same about cars - only difference is, I own the car, i pay for the car.....and he's just a named driver. So i have him by the balls there so to speak.

    I would've thought that with there being so little time before your baby is here with you, that he would be spending time with you, especially since the last stages of pregnancy are do difficult and tiring. Yes he's doing what he wants with his friends, but is he really doing what is best for you.

    I think you are right to be annoyed and upset, and personally i would have it out with him. Fact is, you need him there with you, especially since theres so little time left between now and when your baby will be here.

    *hugs* xx
     
  14. MummyinJune

    MummyinJune Well-Known Member

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    Thanks everyone for all the messages, I will talk to him tonight again and hope that he understands and isnt to angry with me :) thanks again xx
     
  15. alasia

    alasia Well-Known Member

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    Personally I wouldn't be too fussed about him going out all day, as long as it isn't every day.

    When I was with my ex, he used to work long hours as a bus driver (3pm until midnight) and then go out on a sunday with friends for a few drinks (11am-3pm ish) and a monday evening to play darts (7pm-11pm).

    I didn't mind this, as I'm quite independent anyway and used to like my monday evenings in quietly watching eastenders in peace, for example! Lol.

    Our daughter was born on a Saturday, we cam ehome on Sunday and on the Monday evening (darts night) I persuaded him to still go to his darts match as I was perfectly fine with the baby and enjoyed the space :)

    However...I wouldn't want my OH being 80 miles away so close to my due date, so as long as he doesn't do that again and only has occasional trips to his friends' once baby is born then I wouldn't have too much of a problem.

    Can you suggest that you both go out for a meal or something tomorrow?
     
  16. MummyinJune

    MummyinJune Well-Known Member

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    He has a bike run.. again 2moro.. Also he wont go out 4 meals etc because he says that we need to save our money... Hes nearly home now i only expect to c him 4 about a hour tonight then he will be away 2moro 8amish again x
     
  17. mumoffive

    mumoffive Well-Known Member

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    He is being selfish plain and simply. He should be there for you and clearly he is not. He is living his life as if he is single! If you are not happy with the way he is behaving then you need to say it and more importantly, he needs to listen and maybe you could come up with a happy medium? Say how you feel, that you are lonely etc and that you miss him and are worried about giving birth without him. Maybe you could reach a compromise? Maybe he could arrange to go up maybe once a fortnight or whatever and its stuck too.
     
  18. Toria09

    Toria09 Well-Known Member

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    What is it with men who get bikes??? OH's step brother is the same since he bought his although his gf isn't pregnant.

    He is being bloody selfish hun - I mean yes he may not get to go out for a while once bubs is here but tough sh!t really.

    As for the leaving you on your own all the time I'm really spiteful and I'd turn my phone off so he couldn't get hold of me but as I said I'm a spiteful cow.

    Sorry you're having a hard time hun x
     
  19. alasia

    alasia Well-Known Member

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    Well in that case he's being incredibly selfish and you need to have some strong words with him.
     
  20. MummyinJune

    MummyinJune Well-Known Member

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    Well he got home last night i had writin him a letter that was like 4 pages, he read it i hoped he would say sorry 4 being the way he has but he said nothing, I cryed a bit and he tolf me i was just being stupid.
    He never went on his run today so i said to him about going out 4 a meal he said no we cant afford it so i asked him what he wanted to do he said he didnt no, so i suggested we could go to get a present for my mum (its her bday next week) he never said nothing - but was then on the phone to his friend that he was with yesterday and they planned to go 'online' on the x-box to play a game together.. so i said what about my mums prez and he told me just to do it online. When i asked him if he could see my point after reading the letter he said no he should be able to do what he wants and hes annoyed and he said his friends r annoyed aswel. grr.
     

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