Need some advice re 4 year old DD - friendship

[Cattia]

Hi everyone,
I haven't been on here in ages, but I need some advice about my DD. She's four and a half. She's quite a sensitive, emotional type, and a bit of a dreamer. She has a really good friend who is very assertive, and in my opinion quite bossy. When the two of them are together, they play really well and my DD loves playing with her. However quite often, we get together with other friends, and as soon as there are more children on the scene, this other child seems to lead others to gang up on my DD. For example, today we were at the park, DD was making a camp fire by collecting sticks, there was my DD's friend there (let's call her Jane) and another boy who DD also likes to play with (let's call him Fred). So Jane encourages Fred to take all the sticks from DD's camp fire and run away with them. DD then gets really upset, which seems to please Jane. Fred's mum tells him to stop, Jane's dad not really aware or bothered about what's going on. This carries on until Jane's dad pops to the shop, I have a firm word with Jane about playing nicely and then things seem to settle down.

However this seems to be a familiar pattern. I really upsets me to see her getting picked on by a girl who is meant to be her friend. I feel like smacking Jane's face in, but obviously this isn't a very mature or sensible response. So how do I deal with it? What do I tell DD to say? I told her to tell Jane that if she can't play nicely then DD will find some nicer friends to play with, but DH says that won't work as it's my words and it sounds too adult.

I'm also worried as she starts school in September. Luckily she and Jane are not going to the same school, but I'm worried about her being a victim and other children picking on her. I had this happen to me a bit at junior school, where I wasn't that confident and some girls who were meant to be my friends were really mean to me. Luckily I made some better friends and found my niche, but I still worry. I don't know why they can play so nicely together when it's just the two of them, then as soon as other children are involved, Jane has to be so spiteful and mean. Any advice?

 

[Natasha2605]

I'd just step in the minute you see an issue arising, regardless of whether or not the childs parent is present. If a stern word helps I'd do so the minute things start to go wrong.

 

[Cattia]

Thanks, you're right, and I do when I see it, I think I'm more worried about being able to equip her to deal with this sort of thing herself as I know once she starts school the teachers won't be able to watch her interactions all the time like I do. I think maybe I need to focus on encouraging her to choose her friends wisely and telling an adult if people aren't being nice to her. She reacts very emotionally to things which I'm not sure is always a good thing either, but I guess that's who she is.

 

[Noodlebear]

This happened to me at school and I got bullied by most of the girls in my year because I was a 'teacher's pet'. In all honesty there isn't a great deal that you can do about it until/unless it happens. I would just decide a few things that she feels happy saying if someone is picking on her and make sure she knows that she can come to you with anything. She can then apply that to this girl or any bullies she may encounter.

Make sure you (or her!) let teachers and parents know too. If my son was picking on someone I'd want to know about it!

 

[Natasha2605]

Thanks, you're right, and I do when I see it, I think I'm more worried about being able to equip her to deal with this sort of thing herself as I know once she starts school the teachers won't be able to watch her interactions all the time like I do. I think maybe I need to focus on encouraging her to choose her friends wisely and telling an adult if people aren't being nice to her. She reacts very emotionally to things which I'm not sure is always a good thing either, but I guess that's who she is.

Summer's the same, shes very emotional and over sensitive, particular if she feels "wronged". I've focused on drilling into her that if somebody isn't being nice tell them they must stop, failing that tell an adult who WILL stop it. I try to encourage her to be friends with everyone also.