Need some advice to convince the hubby

[Littlelotus]

Hi ladies!

I recently found out I was pregnant with my second. The first was all by myself, sperm donor bailed and that was fine. My, now, husband, has been friends with me since before I was pregnant but didn't participate in the birth or anything. Anywho, my first experience was truly amazing. I had a great midwife and gave birth naturally in the water I won't do it any other way, ever. Unless of course I am super high risk-which I am not.

So now that that is summed up, I told my husband my plan for another natural birth in a birthing center, and he is totally against the idea. He actually said I should have the baby in the hospital to make HIM more comfortable. As if he is the one giving birth. He has done absolutely no research, has no real evidence based opinion. He calls midwives "glorified nurses." Now, I love my husband, and I will on occasion let him have his way but on this, I will NOT be swayed. Especially since he has no idea what he talking about. However, I don't want him to decide he needs to be stubborn and petulant the entire pregnancy either.

Does anyone else have any experience with "convincing" the husband that natural birth is the best option for low risk pregnancies, and that the mother's (not the father's) comfort level should be one of the most important aspects of labor?

We are having our first midwife appointment next week, he wants me to see an obstetrician as well, and so I told him he will need to find someone he is comfortable with and I will tag along to that appointment if he needs me there...I know that was childish, but I'm moody and pregnant!

Ok, thanks for your advice!

 

[Littlelotus]

**Crickets***

 

[HappyHome]

Cor, this is tough.
Of course as the pregnant one its the baby and mother first but a very difficult position.
If your MW is supportive of a natural birth then why complicate things and have you strapped to a bed throughout labour? Which would quite possibly cause stress and even unnecessary complications?
At 4 weeks (if your ticker is correct) you have plenty of time to educate and communicate with each other.
I wonder if he knows what a birth centre really is like? Could you possibly arrange a visit ( I know we did a visit to our maternity unit at around 8 months but i think they do them monthly so it could be possible to do it earlier)

Sometimes with men (awful generalisation coming here) you have to let them see things as their idea, in time he might come around himself if he isn't continuously bashed.

Hopefully something I've put in my reply could help you.
For now keep doing your research and keep open to any possibilities.

 

[Littlelotus]

Thanks for your response!

I know, it's still plenty of time. We have our first appointment at the center in two weeks. I actually think once he sees the facility and meets the staff he will understand what I like about it. I'm sure I will have to tour a hospital to appease him though

 

[irish_cob]

Ask him for facts and figures behind his decision, tell him you'll be willing to listen if he can produce facts that it's statistically safer for a low risk woman to birth in hospital, until then you're not interested in his feelings or what he thinks he knows, you want evidence that you would actually be safer in hospital. (He won't find it). Then be ready to show him the facts and figures which say low risk pregnancies are as safe at home, well, you are from your second baby onwards - which is you.

https://www.npeu.ox.ac.uk/birthplace

This is one of the largest studies of births and birthplaces which has ever been done I believe. I know it's in England but I don't think English women differ from American particularly! (I'm guessing you're American from the way you've written, apologies if I'm wrong)

 

[Pearls18]

If he isn't willing to look at the evidence, I wouldn't pander to him at all tbh. The UK does midwifery led care as default to low risk women as do many other countries not just due to costs but because this is deemed the healthiest option. You are not ill, you do not need a doctor, you are having a baby. I would gather the information but if he won't read it, screw him basically. It's rather childish and ignorant to dismiss you, if he was still concerned despite research that would be a different matter, but he's a big boy and can come to an informed opinion without being scare mongered by incorrect stereotypes. That's my probably not very helpful view on the matter lol.

 

[OrthoChick]

Oh, so tough!! I agree with the other ladies though...he needs to do his research. If he cares enough to insist on a particular birth, he should do some reading. What surprises me is that you have done this before! You know what works for your body...if he can't trust that, he has some work to do with his emotions and not putting negativity on you. Have you asked him where this is coming from?

 

[Feronia]

Ahh, this is one of my peeves: husbands/partners who tell the mother where and how to birth. This is YOUR decision, and while his support is nice, you are ultimately the one deciding.

That being said, I work as a doula, and a few of my clients have had success convincing their husbands that a home or natural birth is a good idea after watching The Business of Being Born.

 

[fashionqueen]

If he isn't willing to look at the evidence, I wouldn't pander to him at all tbh. The UK does midwifery led care as default to low risk women as do many other countries not just due to costs but because this is deemed the healthiest option. You are not ill, you do not need a doctor, you are having a baby. I would gather the information but if he won't read it, screw him basically. It's rather childish and ignorant to dismiss you, if he was still concerned despite research that would be a different matter, but he's a big boy and can come to an informed opinion without being scare mongered by incorrect stereotypes. That's my probably not very helpful view on the matter lol.

I agree.

I wouldn't waste time worrying about what he thinks/trying to convince him or going round a hospital you have no intention of going to.

Just carry on with your plan.

If you lived in the UK you'd most likely be seeing only midwives anyway, the US has such a medicalised approach to birth.

 

[Misscalais]

Your body, your birth.
You had a great birth the 1st time then there's no reason why you won't this time. See if you can find some calm water birth videos on YouTube to show him.

 

[Littlelotus]

You ladies are great.

We have pretty much stopped discussing it and I am just carrying on as if he has no issue. If he does bring up his plan, I speak to him as if he was the pregnant one that will be giving birth and that I will be accompanying him. It's a little snarky, but he seems to have taken my meaning.


Plus, I know for a fact he won't set up any meetings or arrange any appointments with a hospital, so he can gripe all he wants but ultimately if you're not willing to take any steps to prove your point then your words don't carry any weight.

 

[madasa]

The key issue is: why would HE be more comfortable in hosp with a dr? Because he is scared. He does not view birth as a normal, natural, usually-safe process.

No matter where you have your baby, he's going to be there, squirting jets of adrenline in your general direction, holding his breath and clenching his fists and praying you all come through alive to the tattoo of his furiously thumping pulse. :/ It's really REALLY vital that he learns about the physiology of birth and WHY it's safe and why it would risk your well being in a very real way to go into a hospital where you wouldn't feel safe, comfy or supported. Then he can be calm and confident (no matter WHERE you are). And this should also result in him understanding WHY you want to be in the birth centre and support that decision...

 

[clementine_t]

Littlelotus,

his reaction amazes me given the fact that you've already had a wonderful birth experience. I would have him make a list of his concerns and you guys can discuss them with your midwife. She can present him with all the facts and talk openly which will hopefully put him at ease. I would encourage him not to be idle during this process. Do a Bradley class together so he is actually learning about natural birth and how normal it is. Educate him on the dangers and risks of having a care provider who is not natural birth friendly. Where I live, most hospitals have an above 80% induction rate and more that 50% c-section rate! That is insane! And many of these doctors who have been working in L&D for 20+ years have NEVER seen a natural birth! Obstetricians are not trained in natural birth, they are trained in managing complications and most of the time causing unnecessary complications. I don't know what the statistics are where you live, but if your husband knew these facts I would hope he would want you to stay clear of these care providers and be with someone is CONFIDENT in your ability to give birth naturally. You already did it! Your hubby is a bit craytay

Good luck! You certainly have time to get him on board!