ladies.
Ok so if you manage to read this entire story then seriously kudos to you because I kid you not it is loooooonnnnnng!!!!!!!!!!! I hope though that my story gives you ladies hope as I know reading other success stories gave me mine. ok so here goes.........
Me and the dh started ttc the month of August 2011 I think? Might have been a bit earlier but ok lets go with that. In the beginning there was NOTHING to suggest there would be any problems with ttc and as any other couple would, we were extremely excited to begin trying for our first child. I even remember the first morning after that night dtd knowing that we were off bc. We were like a couple of kids laughing and joking about how dh's little spermies where probably already in there knocking on the door of my egg saying, 'let me in' :crazy:
It went like that for about the first two to three months, that feeling of anticipation and excitement. After about the fifth month in, we were starting to get a bit deflated and I began to feel the weight of disappointment as each month began to go by and I kept getting
after
like many of you ladies on here I dread to think about how much we spent on hpt. Ebay became my new best friend!!
When we got to about the 8th month mark the tears and questions started coming so my DH suggested I go see the doctor. I had some blood tests taken which came back normal apart from low platelets which didn't have anything to do with fertility. We were told to go away and keep trying as it can take a normal healthy couple up to two years to conceive. I can honestly say that I left feeling confused and at a loss what to do.
At about the 1 years mark I joined BNB and ladies I cant tell you how much of a life saver this site has been as I have made friends with some of the most remarkable women who have kept me going when all I felt was giving it all up and hiding in my bed (love you girls) Also it gave me a shed load of information on the different things to use in ttc, some of it fun, others not so much fun. Like a scar on my head from a major allergic reaction to trying soy tablets. Seriously, one friend said it looked like I had a penis growing out of my forehead
I tried ALOT of stuff!!
At about the 14/15th month mark, I went back for more testing which involved more bloods. I was then told I had a low amh 'anti mullerian hormone'. This was an indicator I believe of low egg count? I was told that my number was low but I could prob still conceive on my own. So we plodded along and again every month came the disappointment, grief, questions, tantrums, pain even as I suffered with extremely bad period pains.
It went on like this for a while until I went back and eventually was referred to a fertility specialist who sent me off to have a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy done. I will forever always remember waking up from that operation and the doctor telling me in an oh so chirpy voice, 'well we found that your very special indeed as we discovered you have been born with only one tube on your left and one ovary with the right being small and non functional'. 'yes cheers for that doc, that's just what I feel, f'ing special' I was also told they removed some endometriosis from behind my left ovary and that is probably why I was experiencing bad period pain. By the way the painful periods never did stop!
The operation was in October and from the beginning of ttc up until that point I had to watch as friends and close family members announced their pregnancies, watched as they bought cute baby clothes, picked out nursery furniture, watched their bumps grow and talk about how really excited they were about their soon to be bundles of joy. Don't get me wrong I was happy for them but I just felt so hollow inside, like a defective human being. It got to the point where I would say to my DH that I didn't blame him if he didn't want to be with me anymore as I was no good. My low point came after xmas, I had been through so much emotional crap that I was seriously considering going back on bc as I felt that my mental state was starting to deteriorate quite badly.
Then at the end of February, after stopping all of the opk's, the cbfm, the conceive plus, elevating hips, dtd around ovulation etc etc.... we just stopped and I began looking for a new job as we just moved house. Then one day I decided to get a hpt from the store on a whim. I took it home that night, peed on the thing and put it on the side. I left the bathroom, came back and instantly was in complete shock. There was the two most beautiful pink lines I have ever seen in my life!!!!! Telling Dh was lovely, seeing his face light up and tears in his eyes, it was the best feeling ever.
5 weeks into the pregnancy I began feeling like something wasn't right. For two days all of my pregnancy symptoms just stopped completely!!! I knew in my heart that something was off and on the Monday I started spotting brown with bits of material as well, sorry tmi. I knew, just knew that the baby had passed away. I even had a strange dream the two nights before I spotted where I dreamt that a needle was being stuck in my back and taking the baby out. I still believe that was when our LO passed away
Bless my DH though, he remained positive saying spotting happens to a lot of women and not to worry. But alas that Thursday, it was confirmed by ultrasound that we had lost our liccle angel. Devastated doesn't even cut it. To have tried for so long and have to jump through so many hoops, be poked and prodded then ascend to cloud 9 and fall hard back down does something to the soul. It shatters a part of it, a part that I believe will take time to fully heal.
After losing our angel, we gave it a month and then started ttc again. I didn't know how to feel and half heartedly began using opk's and such again. Then in May, in my new job I began to feel tired, and for some reason I just had a strange feeling that I might be pregnant. At 10po I tested and it was a
I was mildly sad, but in all honesty I didn't expect much, I didn't let myself. Then at 15dpo, one day late I tested again. There again was those two pink lines and do you know what I felt? Shi* scared! I didn't feel happy at all, I just kept thinking I cant go through that again. It wasn't so much as the physical pain which was bad but more of the emotional trauma. I immediately called my DH in absolute hysterics, petrified that the same thing would happen.
By 5 and a half weeks I was a wreck and then the worst thing happened. I started spotting brown again. I went straight to the doctors who referred me to the epu where I had a scan to confirm there was a pregnancy sack and no bleeding around the uterus. I was mildly comforted by this but spent the next week just closed off and I went in on myself not even communicating with my DH. Then it was time to go back at 6 weeks for another scan to see if there was a baby in there. I was still spotting at this point so was convinced myself the baby was gone. The most amazing sight I will ever see in my life flashed up before my eyes. Our baby was there, a wee liccle blob with a pulsing heart. Even writing this now is bringing a lump to my throat because I will never forget how precious that moment was and still is. In that moment all my hopes and dreams came back to life and I felt for the first time in a long time like I could picture that future we had both talked about when we first started ttc.
We are now 13 weeks along and I still worry every day and I know that even now something could go wrong but each day my faith strengthens and I am beginning to allow myself to believe that all will be well. But I want you to know girls that holding onto your dreams and wishes and never letting them go is the most important part of the ttc journey. Even in my darkest moments I still held onto the strong feeling and emotions of wanting to become a mum even though my hope was small. You have to keep moving forwards no matter what and even if that means becoming a mum in other ways I know that to each of you in the end it will all be worth it.
I truly wish each and every one of you success in your ttc journey's. And you know what? that doctor was right in the end. We are special, because we have experienced what a lot of other women have not and in the end it makes us appreciate what we have just that little bit more.
Thank you if you managed to get this far
Much love to all and of course lots of
