Need some reassurance over names..

[PeppersCastle]

Hi all.

I have no idea what I'm having yet (although I can't shake the thought he's a boy) but my SO and I have picked out names and my mother just puts them down constantly.

I'm a person with fairly low self-confidence so when someone criticises me and I tend to believe it right off the bat.

We chose two names, one for a boy and one for a girl -

- Kai [Lionel Geoffrey] (Lionel is my father, Geoffrey is my grandfather, both alive)

- Nova [Jean] (Jean is my SOs grandmother, deceased)

Now my mother keeps telling me that both names are disgusting and "chavvy", that the child will get bullied and it's my fault, asking me if it's worth having my child come home from school crying because I'm "so selfish I NEED to call it something scummy instead of something normal like 'Robert'"

Robert is her father, he died in 2003 and she is absolutely adamant that the baby should be named after him. She's demanding I call it "Robert" if male and "Bobby" if female. I don't want to. I KNOW that she's just using my insecurity and low self-esteem against me so she gets what she wants, and originally I was certain I will NOT be changing my childs name to suit what she wants, but now all I can imagine is my son/daughter coming home from school crying and telling me it hates its name and blaming me for not calling it something "normal"..

Are the names disgusting?

Thank you.

 

[Jessicahide]

You poor thing, sounds like everyone has the mindset that the choice should be theirs, i like you name choices, and even if i didn't its your child so none of my business. Choose from the heart xxxxx

 

[aidensxmomma]

I really like your name choices. Nova would have been a real contender for my youngest if he had been a girl. I knew a little girl named Nova when I worked at a daycare and she was a beautiful, sweet little girl. She was an infant, so I don't know how she felt about her name, but all of the other parents seemed to really like it.

Don't let your mom get you down too much. She's trying to manipulate you and that's just incredibly mean. This is your baby and you and your OH get to name him/her. That's all there is to it. Choose names you love. I would hate for you to regret your name choice if you changed it just because your mom is trying to guilt you.

Also, if it offers you some more reassurance, my older kids are school age and there are a lot of kids with non-traditional names in their school. Society seems to have moved on from everyone having traditional names. Seeing a name that's different isn't a big deal at all. And it's not like the names you've chosen are completely made up or anything.

 

[Tasha]

ignore your mother. She had her chance to name her child/ren, now it's your chance. Neither are chavvy. Also neither are way out there. A couple of years ago for the first time there were as many children born with names outside the top 100 list, as in. Unusual names are the norm so children don't get bullied for names.

 

[Amygdala]

Sorry to be blunt but your mother sounds like a nightmare. How dare she make you feel like a bad mother for the names you have lovingly chosen! Please, please, stick to your guns! You cannot let her control you like that, getting her way will just make her worse when it comes to other decisions about YOUR child. That's not to say stick with Kai and Nova at any cost but anything she suggests would automatically be off the table for me.
For what it's worth, my eldest went to nursery in quite a posh area. Bit a chav in sight. And neither Kai nor Nova would have felt out of place there, in fact I'm pretty sure one of the younger kids at that nursery is a Kai. Nova is on my own list because it's classic, unusual, beautiful but strong. I don't see it as "chavvy" at all. So in my personal opinion, you've picked beautiful names, neither of which is too "out there" at all. But at the end of the day, go with what you want!

 

[Take2]

Omg ignore your mum! I don't tell people name choices when pregnant for this reason. She is so wrong for hijacking your experience, don't let her manipulate you. I personally love your name choices!

 

[PubMissus]

OH and I chose our little girls name without any input from any family. And told everyone at the same time, so they've all had to go with it whether they like it or not.

At the end of the day, it's your child, and it should be the name that feels comfortable and right to you.

They're both lovely names, and she will have to deal with it.

 

[Lucasmum]

I like both your name choices, I dont think they are chavvy at all

Ignore what others say and go for what you love she had her chance to name her kids now its you turn to name yours

 

[PeppersCastle]

Ah thank you everyone.

I'm a little ashamed that I've let her get inside my head enough to feel bad about my name choices. My SO and I adore both names, he was telling me basically the same things (it's our baby, there's always going to be someone who doesn't like the names, if you give in it'll just make her worse, etc) but I couldn't get the image of my child resenting me for its name.

You all are right though. They're not "out there" names. Thank you everyone for reassuring me. I feel a lot better

 

[staralfur]

Yeah, neither of those strike me as names that will scar your children for being "too different"! I've heard Nova a lot lately and I grew up with a Kai so it's not like you've randomly made them up. Even if you did, it's your choice and no one else's. Stick to your guns.

For what it's worth, the spelling of my name is way far from traditional and even through a lifetime of misspellings and mispronunciations I never once cried over it or got mad at my mom for giving me my name.

 

[Lucasmum]

Your children will not resent you for their name choice

OH is right, do not give into demands from your mother or anyone if you both love the names then go for it

 

[2have4kids]

Wow, you're mom is a real bully! I found that having kids has helped me create better boundaries with my mom. She tends to come over and call our sweet 11 month old spoiled, cranky, rotten, etc etc. my sister said to me no wonder why we both struggled with self esteem! Don't allow her to influence any more of your decisions. Find a way to assert your authority with her as confidently as you can. I've asked DH and my sister to call grandma out when she calls our DD names. By saying 'well that's not nice is it MacKinley' or 'Grandma doesn't teally mean to be so rude' or 'your nit rotten are you, you're the sweetest thing that ever happened to us' etc. You don't want her bullying your son/daughter and the 'grandma' training starts right now! Gl with it. And your names are unique and lovely.

 

[PeppersCastle]

Thank you, everyone.

I'm pretty sure that I'm just going to give my mother one chance to not be a nightmare and if she fluffs it then I'm going to cut contact. I'll be the third out of her five children to have cut contact so that should tell you a little bit about what she's like.

I spoke to SO about it again today and he's aware of how stressed about the situation I am. He's very unimpressed with her currently.

I was over at my mothers tonight to babysit my little sister and when my mother returned I was rubbing my stomach, it feels like there's bricks in it right now, and she said to me "oh give over for f*cks sake you've got months yet, you can't feel anything, you're putting it on!" and I was like "...or my womb is stretching and there's a weird sensation that I don't like?"

She's just absolutely adamant to label me as a drama queen and act like I'm milking this pregnancy for attention.. She hates that her friends are more focused on me when I'm around, she's constantly putting me down for stuff. My SO was getting very close to saying something to her this evening.

 

[2have4kids]

Omg, I would have cut contact already. She's the disgusting one. Isn't it ironic when the ones who sling words are often exactly how they describe with their own words? She sounds like she's not got an ounce of empathy...a dangerous person to be around! Be careful, and if you still keep seeing her remember your LO counts on you for protection once he/she is born. Be that person xx

 

[Lucasmum]

You dont need that kind of negativity right now, you cant afford to be stressing out, it takes a lot of strength and courage to cut ties but if thats what you need to do then it sounds like you have the full support of SO and you can always rant on here to us

 

[Amygdala]

She sounds very toxic. If you're going to keep putting up with her, I'd seriously think about how much you want your LO to be around her. My mum has a tendency to put others down (although not nearly as rudely as that) and I've noticed it even when she talks to my 5-year-old now! Luckily she's in a different country, so limiting contact is relatively easy. I agree with 2have4kids, you need to be the person to protect your LO's self esteem against people like that.

 

[PeppersCastle]

Thank you so much everyone.

I know that I'm going to cut her out. She will have little to no contact with my child. I say "little" because I'll give her one chance and I know she'll mess it up straight away. But at least she won't be able to start telling people I DIDN'T give her a chance. She knows she's not to be alone with my child and I will make sure that it never happens. She's not allowed to babysit, she's not allowed in the delivery room, she knows all of this and has been told every time she brings up the delivery and babysitting. There is a snowballs chance in Hell.

I see my midwife on the 23rd and I'm going to ask her if there's any particular steps I need to take to make sure my mother doesn't successfully get into the delivery room. I'm also going to talk to her about my mother potentially making fake abuse reports to the Social Services because that is definitely something she would do.

There are so many layers to this. But I'm not putting my child in the middle of it, ever.

Thanks for the reassurance on the names, though. I really do like them, and I'm glad nobody else thinks they're "chavvy" or "disgusting" x

 

[Lucasmum]

She sounds like pure evil

Will you have the support also from your siblings who have already cut ties with her?

I just want to get you and squeeze you tight and reassure you it will be OK

 

[Amygdala]

If you're in the uk, there's little chance she'd be let in the delivery room. But if you tell them when you arrive and/or put it in your birth plan, they'll make damn sure she doesn't barge in. I wouldn't worry about her calling social services. You've got your siblings backing you up and the very worst that'll happen is a quick visit and they'll see that the allegations are unfounded. Maybe mention your worries to your health visitor, they'll also back you up. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this in what should be such a happy and exciting time!

 

[PeppersCastle]

I'm sure my siblings would come together to help me out here. I'm not particularly close with the oldest brother and the sister next to me has been genuinely awful since finding out I was pregnant. But I truly doubt they'll leave me high and dry when I need them, we've all been there for each other plenty of times, it'll be no different.

I'm going to put it in my birth plan, and yeah she is an absolute nightmare haha.. Thanks everyone and thank you Lucasmum, that's really sweet of you ^-^