Need suggestions on how to approach this. *update*

[jzgrace]

Dh and I opened our home to a friend in need of shelter. She has been here for 3 months and its starting to drive me mad. She doesnt contribute monetarily. My bills are rising, she doesn't clean up after herself. Even when she sees me cleaning she still leaves trash, dirty dishes, soda bottles, take out cups and her clothing and shoes all over my house.She doesn't buy her own food (I never mind helping someone in need, especially if they need food) she spends what little money she makes on alcohol and hotels with her "boyfriend". We dont allow people who are drunk in our house and she told her boyfriend to come over, when he got here he was wasted
Then my dh told him to leave, she lied to us saying she didnt know he was coming over and said the only way he can get home is if she takes him in MY car. I have to bleach my toilet seat before I use it every time because shes been with several men during her 3 months here, not to mention when she is on af my toilet seat looks lime a murder scene when she leaves the bathroom. She is just disgusting! Had I known she lived like this I would have never let her stay here. There are so many more problems she causes. Like complaining about my husband waking her up in the morning because he had to shovel our car out of the drive (got 12' of snow over night and he wanted to be able to get out quickly incase I went into labor) she thinks she can wake us up at midnight -2 am pounding on our door and ringing our phone over and over to let her in, or at 7 am. But she wants to complain about my dh in MY house! Theres more but my fingers are cramping. She thinks she is going to be staying here when my baby arrives, but I need to find a way to tell her to get out now!! Im a non-confrontational person but I seriously feel like im going to SNAP! I dont want to be mean to her. But I think she has no problems giving my husband and I an attitude. Im nust not like that tho. How do I start the conversation with her about it when I dont even like talking to her at all. She is the type to get loud, I just dont know where to start. Any suggestions? Sorry this is such a long drawn out post. ..

I just need help.

 

[Gingerspice]

I think you just have to be blunt i'm afraid and say that with baby almost here now you're not in a position to have somebody else staying in the house and that you are asking they they for suitable/alternative accommodation before baby comes.
They have to respect that you were helping out as a favour given there's no renting involved, and that it was never to be a long term base for them.

Good luck

 

[jzgrace]

Ive been thinking of how to start the conversation I just dont know what to say. Im afraid of the confrontation.

 

[jw1555]

Oh that does sound difficult, I'm the same as you and hate confrontation so can imagine how anxious you feel. Unfourtnatly I think it's one of those situations where you will just have to say it and I'm sure once she has gone that you will feel better afterwards. She should be grateful that you have let her stay all this time especially without contributing to bills/food etc! I would just start by explaining that whilst you are glad that you were able to help her out when she needed it, it wasn't permanent and that now with a baby on the the way you and your family will need the room back. If she does get angry than she can't be a very nice person as any one else would surely be grateful to you for all that you have done and totally understand your position. Good luck x

 

[skyesmom]

Ive been thinking of how to start the conversation I just dont know what to say. Im afraid of the confrontation.

and guess what? she knows this and she is abusing of this to stay there. Your friend sounds like an abusive person to me from what you say. Do you care keeping her as a friend after she moves out?

If not, then have your OH talk to her and tell her it is time to leave, like NOW. Not AFTER the baby arrives. Like, in a WEEK. And NOT because you're having a baby but because her behavior is unacceptable and three months of free living is A LOT of help already and you guys need your space.

 

[ToughhGal]

Make sure to have your DH present and just say right out that it is time she moves out. Your baby is more important and that is the way it is.

 

[Mrs Dragonfly]

and guess what? she knows this and she is abusing of this to stay there. Your friend sounds like an abusive person to me from what you say. Do you care keeping her as a friend after she moves out?

If not, then have your OH talk to her and tell her it is time to leave, like NOW. Not AFTER the baby arrives. Like, in a WEEK. And NOT because you're having a baby but because her behavior is unacceptable and three months of free living is A LOT of help already and you guys need your space.

This, exactly this. She's taking advantage because she KNOWS you don't like confrontation. You and your OH need to have a serious conversation and do not waiver, she's been in your home long enough. And it's not just about baby arriving soon, she doesn't contribute, her actions are unacceptable and it's time for her to go. Give a specific date that she needs to be out by and stick to it no matter what. It would be best to get her out before baby arrives so this talk needs to happen NOW.

 

[jzgrace]

You are all right. Dh said he is going to say SOMETHING to her tomorrow. I told him to give her a week to make arrangements. I am seriously contemplating moving to my mom's until she is gone. My husband has known her for 15 years. I met her 4 years ago. So she is more his friend so I feel it is his responsibility. My dh and I are the same when it comes to empathy and avoiding confrontation. But he said he will tell her tomorrow. We will see. Fx it goes well.

 

[emeeorevan]

I'm just like you. I hate confrontation and I have a similar problem but not to your extent. My sister and her son are living with us and she is a total slob too. I've had a talk with her several times (nicely) about helping out as she doesn't pay rent or buy groceries. It gets better for a while then it goes back to normal. She knows I'm ocd and watches me clean with my big belly and all (like when I cleaned the wood floors and moved all the furniture to clean under it ( not nesting just typical Saturday morning cleaning) and she just watched then when I wad just about done she says "oh I'm sitting here like an idiot watching you clean and not helping, I'm sorry" but she still didn't help put the furniture back!!
anyway, I jst took to giving her a list of chores to be done daily. She doesn't complain (that I know of).
if I were in your situation I'd probably have a talk with her with Dh there and tell her to shape up or get out, as I don't see your friend being willing to help clean up her mess. Good luck.

 

[jzgrace]

I'm just like you. I hate confrontation and I have a similar problem but not to your extent. My sister and her son are living with us and she is a total slob too. I've had a talk with her several times (nicely) about helping out as she doesn't pay rent or buy groceries. It gets better for a while then it goes back to normal. She knows I'm ocd and watches me clean with my big belly and all (like when I cleaned the wood floors and moved all the furniture to clean under it ( not nesting just typical Saturday morning cleaning) and she just watched then when I wad just about done she says "oh I'm sitting here like an idiot watching you clean and not helping, I'm sorry" but she still didn't help put the furniture back!!
anyway, I jst took to giving her a list of chores to be done daily. She doesn't complain (that I know of).
if I were in your situation I'd probably have a talk with her with Dh there and tell her to shape up or get out, as I don't see your friend being willing to help clean up her mess. Good luck.

Oh man that has got to be a difficult one. Family (I would think) would be willing to help out more. My sister is almost 30 and still lives with my mom. Has never worked and sits on facebook all day. When she had a rough patch with my mom she asked to live with me. I told her yes at first. Then found out she ran home and told my mom all the things I said. So I told my sister she made her bed to lye in it.
I clean my house daily (just the daily up keep) so I never have dishes, trash or clothing just laying around. As of two days ago I stopped cleaning up after her. So her trash and dishes are piling up. I take pictures everyday. And have told dh that he is going to have to live in her trash until he gets her out. I can go to my moms house. And ive told him I will NOT bring the baby home to a house where im not comfortable. I havent been able to just lay on my couch and watch television in mnths. Or walk around in panties and a tee (a must when pregnant) and I feel like ive been reduced to a maid in my own home. NOT happening anymore. She is 43 and perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Im to the point that if dh doesnt keep his word and say something to her tomorrow then I will.
He was going to tell her tonight but her oldest daughter came over here shaken up because she has taken on caring for the youngest (16 yr old) and the girl that is staying here refuses to sign the paperwork for her daughters to get state aid, yet she sits on her a$$ collecting child support not giving any support to the daughter thats caring for her sister. This girl is such a drama queen and my husband didnt want to "kick her while she's down". I told him she did this to herself. But I understand my husband. So I reminded him how a christian husband should put his wifes needs before his own (his need to "not be the a$$ hole). And he said he would tell her tomorrow. We will see.

 

[Monzter79]

I have been in similar situations in the past with roommates and friends who took advantage. It's never easy and usually DOES lead to confrontation- even though that's what we try to avoid.

Some people know they can get by on that fear of confrontation. In my experience, they'll sit and allow things to deteriorate -relying on a sob story- until someone has finally had enough. Then magically, (even though you were dead sure if you kicked them out they'd end up in a gutter somewhere) they have another place to go or person there to leech off of. I've seen people live this way for YEARS. It's no accident. They're mooches... And manipulators!

When somebody who isn't a mooch comes on hard times- it's usually difficult for them to ask for help. When a friend lends a hand- they show gratitude and would HATE to be thought of as a burden. They WANT to contribute and earn their keep. They care about your friendship. They don't take advantage while waiting around for the bridge to burn.

Your DH is doing the right thing. She needs to go take responsibility and you can't do that for somebody. "Helping" and "ENABLING" are two different things. This is not ONLY best for you- it's best for her too. She'll figure it out! She HAS to.

Sending you guys my support. Be strong! You'll feel so much better when it's over and done with.

 

[jzgrace]

I have been in similar situations in the past with roommates and friends who took advantage. It's never easy and usually DOES lead to confrontation- even though that's what we try to avoid.

Some people know they can get by on that fear of confrontation. In my experience, they'll sit and allow things to deteriorate -relying on a sob story- until someone has finally had enough. Then magically, (even though you were dead sure if you kicked them out they'd end up in a gutter somewhere) they have another place to go or person there to leech off of. I've seen people live this way for YEARS. It's no accident. They're mooches... And manipulators!

When somebody who isn't a mooch comes on hard times- it's usually difficult for them to ask for help. When a friend lends a hand- they show gratitude and would HATE to be thought of as a burden. They WANT to contribute and earn their keep. They care about your friendship. They don't take advantage while waiting around for the bridge to burn.

Your DH is doing the right thing. She needs to go take responsibility and you can't do that for somebody. "Helping" and "ENABLING" are two different things. This is not ONLY best for you- it's best for her too. She'll figure it out! She HAS to.

Sending you guys my support. Be strong! You'll feel so much better when it's over and done with.

Yes. What you said makes total sense. You should hear the way she talks about the last "friend" she mooched from, but she is nice to her face.I talked to that lady and she had nothing but bad things to say. How she left her daughter there and moved out of the state. Sending no money to help with food or clothing.
When I first started complaining to dh about her he didnt see the big deal. Because I was the one cleaning her messes and he doesnt pay attention to anything really. All he sees is a clean house. So I started leaving her crap around and he began to see. I will be so happy when he finally tells her. And I have promised myself that if he doesnt say it tomorrow I will. Cant wait to have my house back!!!

 

[ILUVSHOPPING]

You need a way to start the conversation? Here goes....
"Sooo...About you moving out next week..."

"Have you figured out where you'll be living when I come home from the hospital?"

"As much as I've enjoyed having you in my home, we've hit a point in your visit where it's time to begin looking at plan b."

 

[jzgrace]

You need a way to start the conversation? Here goes....
"Sooo...About you moving out next week..."

"Have you figured out where you'll be living when I come home from the hospital?"

"As much as I've enjoyed having you in my home, we've hit a point in your visit where it's time to begin looking at plan b."

If I were to use number 2 on your list it would pretty much sum up the entire convo... not very open ended. I like it. Now I just have to get the adrenaline rush up to say it. Because I'm not a blunt person like that unless I am in the moment and irritated. I just dont like to hurt people's feelings.

 

[Beee]

Oh gosh what a situation to be in! I really feel for you. I agree that if she is your dh friend then he needs to take the lead on the discussion to avoid that added stress ending up on you, the last thing you need when heavily pregnant.

I just can't believe someone would behave like this in someone else's home, who have offered to help out in their time of need. Terrible. I think you've been a saint to put up with her crap for this long and if it ruins your friendship you're probably better off anyway!

Hope the conversation goes well. Just look forward to being lodger free and try and focus on that baby of yours. Big hugs
Xxxx

 

[petitpas]

You have the perfect excuse with a new baby. Don't bother bringing up any of her bad habits. Anything negative will start an argument and you don't need that in your life. Say that she is obviously aware your baby's birth is imminent and could she please make arrangements to leave at the weekend. No more explanations needed. The more brief and impersonal you are the less scope there is for argument. It might even be easier if you do it. One sentence and then you close your mouth.

 

[skyesmom]

When somebody who isn't a mooch comes on hard times- it's usually difficult for them to ask for help. When a friend lends a hand- they show gratitude and would HATE to be thought of as a burden. They WANT to contribute and earn their keep. They care about your friendship. They don't take advantage while waiting around for the bridge to burn.

exactly this!

and i think you shouldn't use your baby as an excuse for her moving out. with manipulators and leeches, THE ONLY way to get rid of them is to unmask their play and confront them directly.
The baby talk won't work. Abusive people don't care about your shit, all they care is themselves. She didn't care having a heavily pregnant lady cleaning after her. What makes you or your OH think she'll be any different with the baby and that she'll want out? she'll just keep finding excuses on why she can't move.

tell her you want her out as she hasn't been contributing and it is YOUR house. That three months of stay are of a help enough and you two need your space for your new arrival. AND that even without the baby in the schedule, she would need to find her a new place to stay as her behavior is unacceptable. Give her also no longer than a week. seriously.

I also don't know if it's the best idea to go and stay at your moms, it's like leaving the territory to her (i know all this sounds a bit wacky but i had some manipulative friends and the more space you leave the more they take and manipulate and it's never over until you make the hard cut. but trust me it is better this way.) I'd rather face her face to face with ONE WEEK deadline. and TOGETHER with your OH.
It's harder to manipulate two people and please be dead set on it.

 

[jzgrace]

A real estate friend of ours came to visit today, and was talking about one of his properties that is becoming available. As always the girl staying here was sitting on the couch chiming in on our convo. Out of nowhere dh says....." How much are you charging for rent? Because cori will be homeless in a couple days" OMGOSH!! Icould NOT believe he said that. I was happy he did. Because I was going to tell her over supper I planned to make tonight. It would have been awkward for sure. But Idk what would have been MORE awkward. ...the way he said it or the supper I planned. I know that was a shocker for all four of us. But it got the point across. I think dh was fed up with my b!t(hing as well as her complaining about him and her rude mouth talking crap about him to me behind his back. As if I wouldnt tell my husband?? She should have been nicer to him, and I. Im so happy that he got the ball rolling today. I am looking forward to at least a week of normalcy before baby gets here!!
Thank you all for your replies! All the different input helped me in my thought process of what to do and say to my dh and my unwanted guest as well

 

[skyesmom]

yay!!! that's such a relief and honestly, SUCH a good way to bring it up!! just like that, out of the blue and allowing NO further discussion! so so happy you got this thing solved!! now you can relax and enjoy the last weeks of being preggo! and kudos to your OH!

 

[jzgrace]

yay!!! that's such a relief and honestly, SUCH a good way to bring it up!! just like that, out of the blue and allowing NO further discussion! so so happy you got this thing solved!! now you can relax and enjoy the last weeks of being preggo! and kudos to your OH!

Oh what a relief it is! Dh didnt stop there. After he said that, he brought up the baby coming and how we will want space. Then when our friend left dh went on to talk about what she should do to get help in getting into a place. He even mentioned the homeless shelter. So he has opened a door for us to bring up the subject again. If I dont see her doing much to make arrangements in the next 2 days I will be more comfortable now in pushing the subject.