Need words of advice. Don't judge please!

[hlamb]

Hi, guys. My husband and I have been married for three years. In 2013, we actively tried for a child for about six months. We stopped trying after going through an emotional ordeal... We're still not 100% in terms of a solid relationship. We're living with his parents now since he lost his job. I'm working full time and everybody around me is having babies. We've both agreed that we want a child now... But my heart says it's not the right time yet. I don't fully trust him, but I love him so much. I know I'd be naive to think a baby would make things better, but I desperately want a family with my husband. Everyone keeps telling us, "If you wait until you can afford a child, you'll never have one. You'll find a way." Combine those words, my baby fever, and everybody's constant questioning of, "Y'all have been married for three years! What's the hold up!?" and you can see why I'm down in the dumps. Hope this is the right sub forum. Just needing some words of advice, a shoulder to lean on, or some moral support.

 

[ashleyg]

First off, I'm sorry about your situation I know you love your husband BUT having a baby is HARD! My husband and I didn't have a rocky relationship before we had our daughter, but after she was born things changed and we fought A LOT...and about everything. It was not easy. We eventually worked through it all, but if we weren't solid before having her I don't think we would have made it. You husband not having a job, living with his parents, and your lack of trust in him is not a good combination to start trying for a baby at this point.

I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but reality is that babies can sometimes do more harm in a relationship than good if the relationship isn't already solid beforehand. Your time to try for a baby WILL come...but don't rush it especially if your heart tells you it's not right at the moment. I hope you both get things worked out soon.

 

[hlamb]

I was prepared for that. You know, sometimes it's more about getting it off your chest than anything. I guess I just realized that. Although, what a fairytale it would have been to hear, "Go for it! Y'all got this!" Ha! Thank you for your kind words!

 

[ashleyg]

You're welcome! I know how hard it is to get your mind on other things once 'baby fever' hits you. But you will be so grateful that you waited until you and your husband have a stronger foundation. You want to make sure that when you do bring a baby into this world, that you bring it into an already loving and trusting home : )

 

[hlamb]

I keep telling myself that God's timing is never off. We've come such a long way, so I'm trying to think about that instead of how far we have to go. That makes the wait go by a little faster. And hopefully this unemployment spell comes to a halt soon. That will help tremendously in terms of finances and moving out on our own again. ��

 

[ashleyg]

I agree. I think once you both have your own place, and he's working again it will help so so much! Money issues/living with parents can cause so many problems in a marriage. Don't get too down about it all though, like I said, it WILL happen for you when it's the right time!

 

[Nerdy]

I agree that now is not the ideal time to try and start a new life given your fiancial and emotional situation. The question, at least for me, is whether or not you can seek marriage counseling at this point? A lot of time your church will provide counseling and our insurance should have a list of providers as well. Trust me. It helps. A lot.

 

[kksy9b]

Absolutely agree with Ashley here.

My DH and I waited 5 years to start trying and for awhile we kept getting all kinda of questions and people asking. It stopped after the 3rd year and did help the baby fever go away a bit. My response was always "we are going to try in a few years" right up until we announced we were pregnant.

Having a baby is a huge strain on your relationship as you adjust to the new normal and figuring out how to balance. Take the time you need now for you and your OH to fix your relationship and you will be thankful when a baby does come so that you all have the solid foundation needed to get through that time.

Best of luck hun. This forum is a great place to vent and find support through your journey

 

[tverb84]

If I were in your position I wouldn't try and have a baby right now especially with someone I don't trust. I would try and repair the marriage first before having a baby and if that succeeds then I would try for a baby.

 

[xstitcher87]

Sometimes it is all about just getting it off your chest. I think, in your heart, you know what the right answer is, you just needed to hear it from us too

Hope fully your husband can find a job soon and you can get back on track. As for trust issues, those are definitely best dealt with by a proper marriage counselor. My friend remarked the other day that we're all very happy to take our cars to the mechanics when it needs a tune up, or to go to the drs when we aren't feeling right, but we resist the idea of going to our pastor/minister or counselor or psychologist to 'tune up' our relationships or mental health...

Our marriage is one thing my DH and I are making sure is as strong and solid as it can be while we WTT. Finances etc aren't AS important, but our marriage is. We know it will take a hit when we add a baby into the mix and we need that solid foundation to weather the storm (so to speak).

 

[Jaxie086]

Hi, guys. My husband and I have been married for three years. In 2013, we actively tried for a child for about six months. We stopped trying after going through an emotional ordeal... We're still not 100% in terms of a solid relationship. We're living with his parents now since he lost his job. I'm working full time and everybody around me is having babies. We've both agreed that we want a child now... But my heart says it's not the right time yet. I don't fully trust him, but I love him so much. I know I'd be naive to think a baby would make things better, but I desperately want a family with my husband. Everyone keeps telling us, "If you wait until you can afford a child, you'll never have one. You'll find a way." Combine those words, my baby fever, and everybody's constant questioning of, "Y'all have been married for three years! What's the hold up!?" and you can see why I'm down in the dumps. Hope this is the right sub forum. Just needing some words of advice, a shoulder to lean on, or some moral support.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I hope everything starts looking up for you very soon!!!
When I first read your post here are the things that stood out as red flags:
"My heart says it's not the right time"
"I don't fully trust him"

It's kind of a balancing act between what your heart tells you and what the facts are for bringing your baby into your lives.
I think the two most important things to have set before trying to conceive with your husband are to have an emotionally and financially stable relationship with your husband.

At he end of the day though, only you and your husband are the best judges of when is the right time to try to bring your baby into this world. You know yourselves and your situation the best All the best wishes and happiness to you and your husband!!

 

[LoveCakes]

My oh and I have been together since school, we have been through grief, a Rocky first year of marriage and years of infertility. Even so I found the last year pretty hard for us.

Think of it as making your time with your future LO as good as it can be. You don't want to look back on their early days and remember the arguments.

Good luck!

 

[MindUtopia]

Yes, just to echo what the other ladies have said, think about this as a great reason to get other things in life sorted so you can be ready for a baby. Talk with your husband about it (make sure he's on the same page and ready to try again too). Spend more time together. See a counselor. Figure out what it is you need to do in order for everything to come together and for you to be ready, including him finding a job and moving out and finding a place of your own. You're definitely right that if you wait until it's the perfect time, you'll be waiting forever, but you can definitely be in a better situation and more ready. You definitely want to both be working (unless you can survive on one income and one of you plans to be a stay at home parent anyway) and you definitely want your own space. Babies change the dynamic in families and I can't imagine going raising our daughter while sharing space with either of our families. It would have been so overwhelming and stressful. Even if you have a good relationship with your family, it can cause conflict and resentment and bitterness to be so close under one roof. When you have your own space, the power dynamics are different. You don't need loads of money and honestly, the only thing I find expensive about having a child is childcare. The first year was easy and affordable as babies don't need much stuff. But if you are paying for childcare while you work, it's A LOT (this month, about $1600 full-time for one toddler). You will need to know you can afford that, or that you have a grandparent who can watch your LO, or that one of you can afford to stop working.

But really it's all about if you're solid enough to be ready to parent together. I can't emphasize enough how totally and completely hard parenting is, even when you have a good relationship. Being a parent is literally the hardest thing I've ever done. Everyone always says that I totally didn't get it before I had my daughter. Like, you just don't have time to yourself, or sleep, so you're always overwhelmed and exhausted, and it means the littlest things can easily become HUGE problems in your relationship. My husband and I had a really solid relationship before we had our daughter. We literally had maybe had 3 arguments ever in the 4 years or so before that. But it's so, so much harder when you have to share parenting responsibilities with each other. Things that wouldn't have even annoyed you before will infuriate you. Like the fact your husband lies in bed an extra 15 minutes every day while you have to wake up and make sure your toddler doesn't kill herself. Or the fact that you ALWAYS have to do the pick-up from preschool because you're the one who works from home, even though you're super busy and stressed out that day. These sorts of silly things can really cause huge problems and you have to be at a place in your relationship to sort them out without them turning into fights were all sorts of old baggage gets brought up. If things aren't solid, it's going to be easy for those cracks to grow when you're stressed out and only got 2 hours of sleep the night before. Having a child is an amazing thing. My daughter is the best thing that's ever happened to me and she gives me so much happiness, even when I'm overwhelmed and exhausted and stressed. So it's not to say, it's not an incredible thing to do. It's just so, so hard. And you don't want to have one amazing thing happen in your life at the risk of losing another just because you weren't totally ready. But I think you can see this as a reason to work on all those things and get yourself back to being in a better place so you can be more ready in the future.

 

[hlamb]

I cannot thank you all enough for your courteous, thoughtful responses. They mean the world! We're definitely in a better place now than we were in the past, and the good news is, DH has a part time job now. We're looking into moving out but nothing is set in stone yet. We've seen a counselor before... I've just got to put a little confidence in him. Slowly but surely, we're making progress. Just not fast enough IMO. Working on my patience, I promise!

 

[tverb84]

That's good he found a part time job!