New here, 18 and wanting a baby

[Bethany-Lilia]

My fiance of 4 years and I have been desperately wanting to make a baby for about a year now but we've both been hesitant as we're almost too good at thinking about all the things that could happen or go wrong as a result of this HUGE decision, like financial struggles, family problems (I don't get on with my family) and then there's those who try and put us off, those who judge and consider our age and education and come to the conclusion that we'd be rubbish parents. We both have so much love to give, and my partner and I are not only wanting to expand this and create a little one but we're planning to get married this year too.
However much we want a child though, we're still unsure and I guess I'm posting this to get some reassurance/advice from those who were also cautious about the whole thing but desperate enough to go ahead, and if so how did it go?

 

[Pinkgirl]

Hello hun

Lots of us here know how your feeling.
I guess what you have to think of is what you and OH want before your have children. Is there a cetain career you have chosen that you want to fullfil etc. Dont think about anyone else, just you and OH and your the two people who are going to be bringing up a child.
For example...me and OH have wanted children for ages...but our big number 1 was to get my career and for us to but a house first. ....Thats just a little example hun.
One useful thing...write it all down in a huge list...its handy seeing things when written down.

Oh and by the way i love the name Lilia...one of our top 5 if we were to have a little girl lol
x

 

[Damita]

Hey and welcome :wave: agree with above, we had a huge list before we decided to try, buy a house (check), get married (check), go on holidays together (check) complete my degree (nearly there), save money (in progress), do the house up (in progress), have you got a list you would like to complete before you have a child??

 

[FEDup1981]

Personally i think ur young and should live ur life a bit first, but its ur choice, and the problems you have brought up are what every couple worries about when planning for a baby. Unless ur exceptionally well off then u'll always worry about money. Im 28, happily married and nervous telling my parents about wanting another baby! Ther'll always be something to worry about. Aslong as you can provide a loving home, and stability then other things will slot into place!

 

[Cornbread]

I agree with the above posters. Something else to keep in mind if you're getting married soon.
1. Planning a wedding while you're pregnant can suck. A LOT.
2. Trying to get a wedding dress fitted while you're pregnant can also such. A LOT.
3. Adjusting to being married is hard/weird enough on it's own. Add adjusting to pregnancy, and then adjusting to being parents, and it has a lot of extra and sometimes unnecessary stress potential. I often recommend for people who are getting married soon to wait until they've been married at least a few months before TTC. Once the baby arrives, there's no going off for a spur of the moment date. Sometimes it's hard to go on a date or do anything by yourselves at all, even if you plan it months out. The baby will demand a whole lot of attention and will probably have a knack for picking the moment when you were about to enjoy some togetherness to wake up and demand to be held or fed or changed or whatever. Enjoy your time together as a couple without a baby and even a pregnancy because once that baby comes, everything is different.

I was 13 weeks pregnant when DH and I got married (we didn't TTC, we got a big surprise). I went through all that. I don't regret what happened and if I had it all to do over again I wouldn't change the decision I made to marry DH and keep Muffin instead of giving her up for adoption. However, I know that things would have probably been a lot easier if pregnancy hadn't happened until after we were married.

I'm not trying to dissuade you, just give you another point of view to consider from someone who has BTDT.

 

[plutosblue]

If I were you, personally, I would take a long hard look at the decision to try for a baby. I was very hesitant as OH was the one pushing to TTC, so I drew up a checklist, I wanted to own my own home, have cars and stable jobs, maybe some pets and be married. We were only 18 when we got together and now I am 22 and by September we would have completed our check list! We don't want to have to rely on anyone else for anything since that isn't responsible and we are both very old fashioned and want to do everything properly and know we can support a child. At the end of the day a child is a wonderful thing but we both know it will be pressure and we will have to relinquish a lot of our freedom. I am still unsure and get cold feet all the time, but we plan to just see what happens. (I don't intend to chart or anything).

Work on building a stable environment, then go from there if its still what you want then go for it, age is just a number and as long as you are both responsible and united in your decision then I wish you the best of luck. Good luck!

 

[Amygdala]

I think the big question (at any age) should always be: Could you support a child? Are you secure financially so you can be confident that your child will have everything they need? Are you stable enough in your relationship to provide the safety and confidence children need? Are you happy enough with yourself to be able to cope with the extra stress, the insecurities, the worry and the responsibility? If you can answer yes to all of those then I think you're ready. But most importantly: Are you willing to give up a big part of your freedom and spontaneousity and be responsible for someone else for the rest of your life.

 

[jen1604]

Hello hon!
You've been given some great advice and a lot to think about so really just wanted to say good luck making your decision.I was 18 when I was pregnant with Ophelia,19 when I had her.And I wouldn't change the decision I made for the world!Of course it is hard and it can be harder if you're younger but just because your 18 doesn't have to be a reason to not have babies yet.
But think it through for a long time,once you have a baby theres no giving them back Good luck xx

 

[Webbykinskt]

Personally, I think you should get married first as then you and OH can enjoy some time together just as a couple before becoming parents. I'm 19 and I really want to start TTC now so I know how you feel but we're no where near being in a stable enough situation (living with his parents, i'm off to uni in september etc etc). At 18 you've got good time to TTC so enjoy it while you can. In our town, young mums get a lot of stress from other people about how bad they are etc. Surely you want to be married and stuff so you can just say um... i'm not just a teenage mum. Wouldn't it be lovely if you made a honeymoon baby? x

P.S - I hope I didn't sound patronising, i'm just passing on the great advice I got when I joined here at 17 Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Bethany-Lilia]

Thanks everyone for the great replies! There is obviously a lot to think about. I do feel that marriage is something we'll want to do first and as Cornbread said, I totally agree that it could definitely be a rollercoaster if I was pregnant and planning the wedding at the same time!
We don't necessarily have a checklist of things to do before having a baby, as I was planning to study part time at home whilst looking after baby and my OH was just going to stick at his full time job.
Our opinions on things have changed a lot since we first met, for instance we always used to say that we wanted to travel before having a baby, but now we both are just so content at being as settled as we are, we're really not bothered. We've never been the party types so I can't imagine us having a baby and then "missing" what we used to do. We've got 28k savings but I'm quite sure OHs income isn't enough to support a mortgage at the moment.

It probably seems like a perculiar setup, but if we had a baby we would be living in my parents house. I've spoken it all through with my mother, asking her what she though about it, etc etc and she was extremely enthusiastic about the idea. All I can say is is that if a baby were to grow up in that environment, I would feel comforted in knowing that we will be saving money and he/she will be living in a secure home and a loving atmosphere. It's not the typical situation for a baby to live in, but I can't see it being bad...?
I hope it doesn't seem too naive. I'd love to know your opinions on the idea

 

[Damita]

Personally wouldn't live at home with a baby, not enough freedom for myself and I would feel like my mother would be watching every move I made, but it is totally up to you, what do you want to study? if it is at uni I would def recommend doing that first, it's hard enough doing with just a husband and a house to take care of I couldn't do it with a baby.

 

[sleepinbeauty]

Hey hun. I'm Kristin. I've been WTT since I was about 16 or so. lol I've been floating around boards like this for 4 years! (I'm starting to feel like some sort of ghost or something! ) During that time I left an abusive ex-fiancé, fell in love (for real this time!), got engaged, moved out of my parents' house etc etc. I still can't LEGALLY drive a car and we're broke as hell. But we're getting there. (TTC#1 in 2013 so OH has "time". Grr!)

I just wanted to say "hi" and tell you that you sure as hell aren't alone feeling like this! Take a look at your goals and see what you have to do. No one can make these types of choices for you, sadly enough. You just gotta sit down and think it through.

I hope you like it here. We're mostly really friendly. ^-^ Nice to meet you!

 

[Damita]

Yush we are friendly here I think we just worry

 

[AP]

I was getting the broodyness about your age, but in hindsight im glad i didnt do anything about it. Part of me now, at 23, wishes I waited even longer, but at the time I was too hellbent on TTC.

Things change. I cant imagine not having my own home for a start. (its OH's house)
I'd never want to live at home with a baby either. It wouldnt be ideal, but as the girls say, look at your goals. Do you want to achieve them all in one go? I often worry, now at 23, that I'm going to do everything too soon and then whats next to look forward to and achieve?

I miss my freedom too. Theres no impulsive "I'm gona go to the shops" or "I'm going out". Its all pre planned.

I miss having nights just me and OH. We get about 1-2 hours per night together and by that point we are too tired.

There are things to consider, I didnt listen to anyone while TTC, I didnt realise the half of it. Its a HUGE responsibility!

What does your OH think hun I never think age is a factor, its more to do with maturity and how you would handle the massive change

 

[ManicsGirl]

What sort of thing are you hoping to study? As much as I want a baby, I know that I could never do both uni and having a baby at the same time. They both require so much attention, and getting qualifications is one thing that you need as few distractions from as possible. Personally, I'm just about to enter my final year of a 4 year degree, and with a part time job at the weekends I struggle often. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to give studying the attention it needs to get the standard of qualification YOU deserve, as well as give a baby the love and attention it would need. Your coursework work and exams will suffer, and if it doesn't, as harsh as this will sound, the baby will.

I'm really, really sorry if this sounds like a lecture, but I've known too many girls of this sort of age (makes me sound old, I'm only 20 lol) who have had to leave college or whose grades have taken a serious hit because they've had a baby.

Talk to your OH and see if you can come up with a list of your life goals and when you would like to achieve them by. There's nothing to say you can't prepare yourself for life with a baby while studying, but in an ideal world I'd say pregnancy shouldn't really be an option until you're 9 months or less from finishing a course. Also - doing part-time courses can sometimes take longer than doing it full-time, maybe you could see how long your course would take on a full-time basis compared to the part-time you've already looked at and weigh up the pros and cons. I.e. Pro: Full time only takes 2 years, can save money etc Cons: Have to wait longer to have a baby.

Good luck! And again, I'm sorry if that sounds lecture-ish, I'm just a big fan of encouraging people who have the chance to get to college or uni before they lose the enthusiasm.

 

[aob1013]

Get married (although it isn't essential), stable job, own place - then think about it.

 

[Webbykinskt]

Thanks everyone for the great replies! There is obviously a lot to think about. I do feel that marriage is something we'll want to do first and as Cornbread said, I totally agree that it could definitely be a rollercoaster if I was pregnant and planning the wedding at the same time!
We don't necessarily have a checklist of things to do before having a baby, as I was planning to study part time at home whilst looking after baby and my OH was just going to stick at his full time job.
Our opinions on things have changed a lot since we first met, for instance we always used to say that we wanted to travel before having a baby, but now we both are just so content at being as settled as we are, we're really not bothered. We've never been the party types so I can't imagine us having a baby and then "missing" what we used to do. We've got 28k savings but I'm quite sure OHs income isn't enough to support a mortgage at the moment.

It probably seems like a perculiar setup, but if we had a baby we would be living in my parents house. I've spoken it all through with my mother, asking her what she though about it, etc etc and she was extremely enthusiastic about the idea. All I can say is is that if a baby were to grow up in that environment, I would feel comforted in knowing that we will be saving money and he/she will be living in a secure home and a loving atmosphere. It's not the typical situation for a baby to live in, but I can't see it being bad...?
I hope it doesn't seem too naive. I'd love to know your opinions on the idea

I see where you're coming from. In many other cultures a house can have three or four generations living in it (i.e - grandma, mum, daughter, baby etc etc) so I don't see that as an issue as long as your parents are fully okay with you TTC and bringing up a baby in their home. If I got pregnant now I'd probably go back home to my mum. Being with your mum when you have a baby is the most natural thing in the world so your baby would be lucky to have grandma on hand!

I believe as long as you're both paying for your rent/food/bills and your baby, you don't have to have your own home. I have seen a few people walk all over their parents and get them to pay for everything (not that I'm saying you would )But I would recommend ensuring your relationship with OH is strong. You don't want to bring a baby into an unstable relationship.

Good luck x

 

[sleepinbeauty]

Get married (although it isn't essential), stable job, own place - then think about it.

I agree with getting a good job (at least one that offers health benefits!) and your own place. I love my mom but I just couldn't live with her with my child. It is already apparent that we have drastically different parenting styles and I haven't even had my own yet!

Marriage and Having a Baby aren't exactly related (unless you're super religious or something and believe that Marriage then baby is The Way it is or something). That is another thing entirely, but still an important thing to think about. Will you get married before or after the baby? Maybe you don't believe in marriage and won't get married at all. All are ok. WE're at a point in our lives where we have the freedom to shape it however we want. There is a lot of power in our decisions, just make sure it's what you want and what is good for YOU.

 

[aliss]

IF you want to get married before having a baby, I would strongly recommend you do it first!!!

We didn't wait - now, with the baby coming, I just can't be bothered to even tell people that I am engaged. Any wedding planning just seems so insignificant when I think about the arrival of our baby. Can't be bothered to even worry about a dress, reception, etc. Planning a honeymoon with a newborn is just plain difficult.

Good luck with your decision, but I just have to recommend doing that first before baby, just to make your life a bit easier and to enjoy the wedding process more - it is just a CHORE when you already have a child. It's not as fun as if you were childless and had all the time in the world to explore honeymoons/shopping/etc

 

[Karuto]

Hey there I've just turned 19. I really want to have a family aswell, the one problem I have is this: I need a man. In my personal opinion I don't think you need to be married first but definately enjoy time together

I'm sure you would make good parents, people are just so quick to judge because of what they see on television etc.

x