New Here and Miscarrying

[Rebaby]

Big mazza, i am sorry for what you're going through, and i'm sorry for your losses polly. You're both right, i am trying to take comfort in the fact we were able to fall pregnant, although i have to admit i am terrified of falling pregnant again and this happening to us again

Thanks for thinking of me jessa, things went okay at the hospital. It was all a bit hard and horrible, i got sent to the wrong place and ended up in the ante natal clinic waiting area with some extremely pregnant ladies and their families...although they realised in the end where i should be and i got to sit in another waiting area around the corner. They decided not to scan me in the end because they felt that at just 5 weeks they would be unlikely to see very much anyway so it would be difficult to gauge if everything had passed that way- instead they asked me questions and got me to take a pregnancy test. I hadn't thought there was much point in repeating HPT because i thought it would show +ve even during/after miscarriage but mine was negative and she said to me the doctors felt that given what i'd described and the they felt certain i had had a complete miscarriage.

I already knew deep down but why oh why i don't know, i just somehow had a tiny part of me left thinking they would find i'd made a mistake and i was still pregnant after all? I didn't cry, i was very calm. They gave me a leaflet and said they hoped they'd see me again soon under better circumstances. It wasn't until we were on the bus home (my car broke down 2 weeks ago so we had to sit on the bus for an hour each way!) that i had a cry. The bus stopped to collect some people and there was a sign on the bus shelter about a missing kitten and had anyone seen it and for some reason that just set me off Everything seems so unfair right now.

I felt like going straight to bed when we got in and never leaving the house again but we had to go out in the afternoon and collect the new car. Everything is such hard work, i hate talking to people, i hate being outside. I hate anyone talking about what has happened, but i hate it even more when they ignore it (even though i know they just don't want to upset me)

I think i have reached the 'anger' stage of my grieving because everywhere yesterday i saw couples and their children and it made me so mad. I don't know if i should go back to work asap and try to get back into the world and into a routine or take some more time off.

Sorry that was so long, it just helps to let it out.

 

[Jessa]

Of course it helps to let it out. Keep doing it. I spent the entire day two days ago curled up on the couch listening to sad music and crying. My husband came home from work and sat with me for another couple hours until I don't think I had any tears left.

I took an extra week off of work. I had a week off while I was going through the physical part of things and then chose to take this week off as well to try and deal with the raw emotional feelings.

I promise that it will get better. I know exactly how you feel when you say that you don't want to see anyone or go out anywhere. I felt like that for the first few days afterwards as well. To get out of the house, see if you can even make it a friend or family members place, just so that you can get a change of scenery and give you something to do.

Don't forget to cry when you need to, sleep when you need to, and just take care of you and your OH. You'll come out the other side of this, but it will just take time.

 

[Rebaby]

I just wanted to write a little update here. The past couple of days i have been doing much better and after some long talks with OH we can both find some positives about what we've been through the past couple of weeks and we're really looking forward to the future now and to getting back to TTC after AF arrives.

I have been out and done some normal things like grocery shopping, and this morning I took some time to do my hair nice and put on some make up. We have a friend round tonight who doesn't know about the pregnancy or the MC and after talking about it we've decided to keep it that way. He is a good friend, but not a very close friend (if that makes any sense?!) and since we are both feeling a lot better about things we want to have an evening where it isn't all about the MC and what has been going on with us. We will wait until we have good news about a new sticky bean before sharing with him i think!

Work have been very good and understanding, i'll be back on wednesday for the night shift. I've only technically taken a week off sick but because of the way my shifts have fallen it will have been around 12 days since i was last in work and since the MC started when i go back. I am apprehensive about being back- i work with babies for a start! And i seem to be having this thing at the minute where i see babies and pregnant women and toddlers everywhere so actually being surrounded by newborns might be quite challenging at first i think! But in a way i am looking forward to getting back into a routine and i'm hoping to settle back in okay.

All in all i am feeling more positive. I had some really unhelpful advice/comments from a family member a few days ago and they really set me back right to square one, but each day i feel a little bit closer to being 'myself' again and i think it helps that physically my body seems to be sorting itself out now and settling down.

Originally we were going to go right back to NTNP but we've considered things and decided to hang on and wait for AF and from then on we'll be TTC but still the old fashioned way i think- no charting or anything for us yet. I am still petrified of falling pregnant and miscarrying again but i know nothing will change that. And i also know that the next pregnancy, no matter how soon it happens or what the outcome, will change the loss we've had this time...but we are both feeling good about moving on and trying again...I've told a few close people that we're hoping for a 2010 baby to start our family and we're going to enjoy trying to make that happen.

Big hugs to everyone on here. You have all been such a big help and i'll be sticking around to try and repay that and to share in this rollercoaster of a journey!