NEWBIE: Fed up & feel like giving up! Sorry it's a long one.

[Essex]

I’ve been lurking on this website for a long time now and now I need to offload and ask for help.

Last year my partner and I decided to try for a baby and back in April I came off the pill which I had been on for about 17 years. We gave it a few months before we started trying and in August I fell pregnant. We were both over the moon and it had only taken us our second try before we succeeded. In October it all fell apart at our 12 week scan and, after the results of a CVS that concluded that our baby had severe abnormalities, we had to end the pregnancy. We were both and are still devastated. I then fell pregnant again in the February but after 5 weeks I miscarried. I guess I wouldn’t have even known that I was pregnant had I not done an early pregnancy test and technically my period would have just been a week late, but I did have some symptoms and I knew I was.

So here I am coming up to my due date in May and wondering why I am putting myself and my OH through all of this. I’m 36 in July and feel like my time is running out. Although we have barely been trying compared to some people who try for years I just find it gets harder and harder and the crushing disappointment when I get my period (this weekend!) is overwhelming. I’m fed up of living my life in 2 week stints, the week of despair once I get my period, the week of trying to conceive then the dreaded two week wait where I over analyse every symptom going and then its back to square one. My periods are now not 28 days like they were and I am certain I don't ovulate every month which just adds to the frustration.

I can’t bare to look at anyone whose pregnant, I feel consumed with jealousy and compelled to scream at them that its not easy for everyone and aren’t they lucky that it happened without issue…and for those that fell accidentally…….

I don’t wish them any ill; I just cannot muster up any genuine good feeling which is terrible. I feel wracked with guilt having to end my first pregnancy and I will never forgive myself even though I know it wasn’t our fault. I feel like we are being punished.

My partner has been amazing through it all and has kept so positive. He has his down days too and I’m strong for him when he needs it but I am struggling with it all so much and feel like it will never happen. Friends and family try and keep me positive saying ‘well at least you know you can get pregnant’, and, ‘you’re time will come’. I know they are only trying to help but you know what, those comments don’t help.

I think had anyone told me before we started trying that we lose two babies in 6 months I don’t think I would have bothered trying. It’s been the most heartbreaking journey so far and I’m not sure if I can continue with it all as its slowly sucking the life out of me. I know we have been through very little compared to some people and I am truly in awe of those that find the strength and courage to carry on after multiple losses. I physically ache from wanting a child and I feel like an utter failure that I can’t achieve that one thing that is supposed to come so naturally to women.

I’m sorry this is long and I don’t really know what I’m asking for. I know I’m not alone in this but sometime you can feel like you are the only one going through it all. I guess I just needed to offload. Thank you for reading this far!
xxxx

 

[FEDup1981]

Welcome to the forum

You will find loads of support on here, there is also the miscarriage section, and the ethical losses section which you might want to have a look at.

I too lost a baby in January, and i understand all what ur feeling. Its a stage of grief that we must allow ourselves to go through and its nothing to be ashamed of.

You have been through a lot of heartache - and thats something we dont expect to encounter when we set out to try for a baby.

Dont give up hope, keep trying. And continue to post on the forum to get support, advice, and a shoulder to lean on.

x

 

[TripleB]

Hey there. Your post will ring bells with almost every woman on here (you put it very well). The pain of losing a baby is unique and difficult for anyone to comprehend who hasn't been through it. What you should know is that you are not alone and importantly there are stories of hope on here that are truly inspirational. The combination of grieving your loss and TTC is a heartbreaking and often disappointing experience. I hope you can find some comfort here, we'll be cheering on your next BFP and praying it's a sticky one. X

 

[KitKatBit]

Hi Essex. I'm so so sorry for everything you've been through and for how you're feeling now

I know I can't say anything to take the pain away, but I wanted you to know that I think you're incredibly strong, even though you're bound not to feel it and that corny and shallow as it sounds, it WILL gradually get better over time. You've had to be strong enough to make that awful decision in October and even then you picked yourself up and dared to TTC again. I genuinely really admire that. You're bound to feel heart broken and guilty and everything else you're feeling and I'm sure other people would have given up before now. Nothing you have done deserves punishment - anyone would interpret it as you being put through something awful and deserving support, love and a break in life.

I've read lots of stories on here of people having successful pregnancies after multiple losses, so don't give up hope. I agree with you though - when something like this happens to you you start to realise how many emotional reserves you need to have to be able to cope with the potential problems of TTC. Maybe you haven't been able to build those reserves back up enough yet? I've also read lots of success stories from women in their mid to late 30's and early 40's, so I don't think you should let your age hurry you in to something you're not ready for.

I'm glad your OH is being a support for you, but everyone's here if you ever need to speak to other people who understand how you feel. I've found it a huge help.

xxxx

 

[hb1]

Hi there - really want to echo the words of the other posters - we really do understand your pain and that feeling of giving up - I think most of us see the milestone of our previous due date as one that we would like to be pg again by - I know my due date was July and I would give anything to be pg by then again - at the same time it also adds pressure which doesn't help when you're already vulnerable. I'm glad you've got a wonderful oh - together you are strong

I also wanted to add that maybe you should ask the doctor to be referred on - given 2 mc and one due to abnormalities that maybe positive action would be good and meing over 35 and ttc over 6 mths they should be able offer some help- even if it just reassures you that everything is fine and the odds are that the next bfp is in no added risk.

Hope you are blessed with a sticky bean v soon

hx

 

[selina3127]

i know how you feel hun, my due date was in may and it's getting harder the nearer it gets, you will get great support of the girls on this forum they are all stars think i would have fell apart without them, big hugs xxxxx

 

[Essex]

FEDup1981, TripleB, KitKatBit and hb1, just wanted to say a big thank you to you all for reading and replying.xxxx

I felt a bit better as soon as I had posted. I know that I just need to have patience and keep strong and we'll get there again.

I think you are right hb1, if it doesn't happen in May then I'm back to the docs for help. For me the whole experience of the last 6 months has taken the innocence out of pregnancy. If we are lucky enough to get pregnant again we still have the worry that the first 12 weeks inevitably brings but I think the experience of MCs and TFMR brings that anyway. It certainly hardens you that's for sure, which is very sad and made me more pessimistic. BUT I have my OH who is my rock to which I will stay anchored to forever. I just hope one day that I can make him a daddy because they will get complete unending love which has kept me going through the dark days.

xxxx

 

[Essex]

Thank you Selina3127. I will certainly hold your hand through May. I feel its going to be a tough one. xxxx
(sorry, had a cross of replys and postings)

 

[aussiettc]

I just wanted to say how sorry i am for your losses and what a strong person you must be for making the choice you needed to in October.

By the sound of your post you will get through this as you are clearly a very strong person with an enormous amount of support in your OH.

Just know that the girls in this TCCAL thread are always here for you and will take whatever you can throw at them when you need to vent. we understand and will help whenever you let us.
i hope you start feeling better soon honey

 

[africaqueen]

welcome to the forum. How u feel pretty much reflects how we all feel so u are not alone. I am 29 and have been ttc for a long time in total. 5yrs with my ex and now with my hubby after our loss due to ectopic in jan. My chances are reduced even mre now i have 1 tube AND pcos but i am determined not to lose hope of being a mother. I hope we all get our sticky beans soon and finally become mums xxx

 

[MinnieMone]

Welcome to the forum.... and I'm so sorry for your losses.

Please try not to give up hope, I too have had 2 mc's in the space of six months, the last in March, but I'm now very early pregnant with my 3rd, and being as positive as I can be that this one will work out. I'm also 44. so you see it can happen!

I could empathise with everything you said Essex, it is so so hard, but writing here and offloading can help, especially as we have all been through similar and can understand, where others may not be able to if they haven't experienced it.

Really hope it works out for you.

 

[Essex]

Thank you Aussiettc, AfricaQueen and MinnieMone.

I'm really pleased that I have somewhere that I can offload and be understood. People, do try and empathise but unless you have been through it it's hard to understand. I'm so sorry for everyone's loss on this forum, who thought that baby making could be this traumatic.

MinnieMone congratulations on your pregnancy, that's brilliant news and gives me more hope that it will happen and I will hopefully get pg soon!!

I'm sooooo impatient though. I've just been to the supermarket and stocked up on more Folic Acid which I've been taken for a YEAR!!! And EPO which I'm going to start shovelling down my neck. Fingers crossed I might actually ovulate this month but find it difficult to tell with the ebay cheapo crappy ones....just can't afford to keep buying the digital ones every month but I know they are far superior. Maybe next month if nothing happens this month.

Any I'm gearing myself up to try good and proper, although we did this month just gone, just pot luck isn't it. So here we go for week one in the Big Baby Making house.
xxxx

 

[CS10]

Struggling to find the words but agree what everybody else had said. TTC after a loss is so damn hard and emotionally draining.

xxx