S
stargirlll
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How do you cope? I'm finding it really difficult and cry all the time. I'm living miles away at home while my baby is in hospital in ICU. He's only 32 weeks now and each day is a struggle.
Laura2919
Team Twilight!!
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Hi Hun.
Firstly congratulations, even though its hard we just go into survival mode and we just get on with it.
Chloe and Jaycee were born at 29 weeks and were transferred to a hospital 70 odd miles away from home, I was in hospital for the first 5 days of their life so I didnt get to see them and my OH and mum and dad split their time between kent and london with the girls and me. It was tough but we battled on and I spent what time I could with them until they were transferred up to a hospital nearer home where we established a routine. I would go in at 12pm go home for something to eat and a break at 2, back at 4pm go home for a rest at 6 and back at 8pm til 10pm then do it all again the next day.
Even though the twins were 29 weeks they only spent 4 weeks in NNU and then they were discharged.. In those 4 weeks it was hard but you battle on. Doing all you can do.
There are plenty of people here who know what your going through and have experienced it or even are still experiencing it.. Ask whatever you want whenever you want..
to you and your boy
Firstly congratulations, even though its hard we just go into survival mode and we just get on with it.
Chloe and Jaycee were born at 29 weeks and were transferred to a hospital 70 odd miles away from home, I was in hospital for the first 5 days of their life so I didnt get to see them and my OH and mum and dad split their time between kent and london with the girls and me. It was tough but we battled on and I spent what time I could with them until they were transferred up to a hospital nearer home where we established a routine. I would go in at 12pm go home for something to eat and a break at 2, back at 4pm go home for a rest at 6 and back at 8pm til 10pm then do it all again the next day.
Even though the twins were 29 weeks they only spent 4 weeks in NNU and then they were discharged.. In those 4 weeks it was hard but you battle on. Doing all you can do.
There are plenty of people here who know what your going through and have experienced it or even are still experiencing it.. Ask whatever you want whenever you want..
to you and your boy
Foogirl
Baby Abby 11 weeks early
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First off - congratulations! I was surprised how few people actually said that to me.
"Cope" was about all I could do.
You've just been through the emotion of having a baby, which is hard enough, but add to that the trauma of having a premature birth and most probably a terrible birth too (they are rarely easy) and assuming it didn't come as a total shock, your last few weeks of pregnancy would likely have been stressful too. And now you have the constant worry of how is your baby going to be, and frequent visits to the hospital. You're not only learning to be a mum but having to learn all about the terminology and machinery of the NNICU and how to care for a premature baby.
Phew! With all that it is no wonder you're crying all the time. It is hard emotionally and physically, when you are on this journey. If I were to give you one piece of advice it would be to take time to heal. Cry all you need to, lean on anyone who will give it (and even those who won't!) for support. Take some time out. It is absolutely ok, if you feel like it, not to visit the hospital today. Or to go out and enjoy a day with family or friends tomorrow. It is very easy to let NNICU consume your every waking moment, but it is important to take some time away from that to take stock of your situation and see how you are. Your LO is in good hands, and is being ably looked after. There will be a fairly long road ahead (Abby was 29 weeks, 3lbs 7oz, needed minimal care but still stayed in for 6 weeks) and at the end of it you need to be ready to have your LO home. New mum's don't usually get the opportunity to recover from birth with a full night's sleep. There is nothing good about the situation you are in, but there are things that can make it better and getting some decent sleep is one of them.
Don't think that you "should" be doing anything or feeling anything, don't worry about what is "normal" and what isn't. Take each step as you find it, celebrate all those little firsts that we get which full term mums miss out on. The first cuddle, the first time they are dressed, the first time in the cot etc etc. Get excited about every increase in weight and feed. Don't be worrying if you don't feel a bond or don't feel close to your LO, it will come with time.
I could rabble on for hours! But I won't. We're all here for any questions, rants, moans you may have, feel free to ask anything you need to.
Tell us your story too (and we go all gooey with the pictures!) Take a look at the Introduce your preemie thread. There are some brilliant stories on there.
"Cope" was about all I could do.
You've just been through the emotion of having a baby, which is hard enough, but add to that the trauma of having a premature birth and most probably a terrible birth too (they are rarely easy) and assuming it didn't come as a total shock, your last few weeks of pregnancy would likely have been stressful too. And now you have the constant worry of how is your baby going to be, and frequent visits to the hospital. You're not only learning to be a mum but having to learn all about the terminology and machinery of the NNICU and how to care for a premature baby.
Phew! With all that it is no wonder you're crying all the time. It is hard emotionally and physically, when you are on this journey. If I were to give you one piece of advice it would be to take time to heal. Cry all you need to, lean on anyone who will give it (and even those who won't!) for support. Take some time out. It is absolutely ok, if you feel like it, not to visit the hospital today. Or to go out and enjoy a day with family or friends tomorrow. It is very easy to let NNICU consume your every waking moment, but it is important to take some time away from that to take stock of your situation and see how you are. Your LO is in good hands, and is being ably looked after. There will be a fairly long road ahead (Abby was 29 weeks, 3lbs 7oz, needed minimal care but still stayed in for 6 weeks) and at the end of it you need to be ready to have your LO home. New mum's don't usually get the opportunity to recover from birth with a full night's sleep. There is nothing good about the situation you are in, but there are things that can make it better and getting some decent sleep is one of them.
Don't think that you "should" be doing anything or feeling anything, don't worry about what is "normal" and what isn't. Take each step as you find it, celebrate all those little firsts that we get which full term mums miss out on. The first cuddle, the first time they are dressed, the first time in the cot etc etc. Get excited about every increase in weight and feed. Don't be worrying if you don't feel a bond or don't feel close to your LO, it will come with time.
I could rabble on for hours! But I won't. We're all here for any questions, rants, moans you may have, feel free to ask anything you need to.
Tell us your story too (and we go all gooey with the pictures!) Take a look at the Introduce your preemie thread. There are some brilliant stories on there.
kizzie1504
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Congratulations!! I cant really say any more than Foogirl said, as it was perfect advice and i couldnt say it any better, i gave birth on the 26th july to my little girl, Olivia, 10 weeks early, weighing 2lbs 1oz, she is nearly 6 weeks old and doing fab, she is still in hospital, but very close to home, all i can add, is that although at the time it may feel slow, looking back it has gone so quick i promise you, i still cant believe she is 6 weeks, its flown by!! enjoy every second, and celebrate everything, im free for a chat anytime, if im honest, i'd love someone to talk to too!!! Congrats agin hunni, best wishes to you all. xxxxxxxxxxx
Hello and congratulations
I would just really echo what the others have said. You do somehow learn to cope and you are stronger than you think. Looking back, I keep thinking how on earth did we do it and not crack up, but we did.
Sophie was born at 27 weeks and was in hospital 60 miles away. I did find it hard - as Foogirl said, there is so much to think about - the stress of the end of your pregnancy if you knew the baby was coming early, becoming a new mum, having a baby in neonatal, no baby to take home with you...your hormones are all over the place because you are a new mummy but your baby isn't there with you.
I would also agree with her advice to take time for yourself. Looking back, I should have done that more. I was torn because I wanted to be with Sophie every waking moment but it does become very intense, and for a while there isn't a lot you can do, when cuddles are few and far between etc. I wish I'd known when Sophie was first born that it was ok to take some time away from the hospital, do things at home etc, but I spent day after day sitting beside the incubator. That maybe sounds bad now and it's certainly not that I didn't want to be with her - I did, and that's why I did it - but by the time she got to special care and I was allowed to do everything for her, I wished I'd taken time earlier to get things organised at home, catch up on some rest etc. But at the same time, I'm glad that I did spend all that time with her so she got to know my voice and I was a constant thing in her life.
We did eventually start taking a Sunday just for DH and me - he works near the hospital so has that 120 mile round trip every day and we did need some time out. We had two friends who used to go to see Sophie on the Sunday and send us pictures and tell us all about her. We did miss her like crazy, and often at 7pm we'd start thinking "we could be there in an hour if we were to leave now...!" but we never actually did that!
Some of the nurses sometimes seemed surprised that we were not going on the Sunday when we phoned in the morning to see how Sophie was and that made me feel bad but you do need to think about your wellbeing.
It's a long emotional journey, but honestly, you do get through it. Something just kicks in and it becomes a way of life. You will look back and think you have no idea how you did it but it really does seem worse when you look back than it does at the time.
Not having your baby with you is awful and I've been through so many spells of being so upset that I missed out on the whole giving birth and having my baby handed straight to me, bringing her home a few days later etc. But then I look at her and I think "she's my little miracle". They saved both her life and mine that day and I will always be grateful for that.
I am a bit ashamed to say that I didn't feel the overwhelming rush of love you're supposed to feel when I first saw her. I felt scared - I did feel a lot of love but not what I would expect. I was scared to touch her when the nurse said I could and I was so scared to get attached to her in case anything happened. I felt detached from the whole thing - like it was someone else's baby I was looking at lying in the incubator. But now, I am totally getting the overwhelming love thing. It gets stronger every day. I have bonded with her soooo much in the last few weeks, especially since DH went back to work and it's just the two of us all day every day. When I look at her I just love her so, so much and I'm now getting the feeling I expected to get when she was born. I fall in love with her more every time I look at her. After her first couple of days were past I stopped feeling so scared but it is a very surreal situation and not one you ever expect to find yourself in.
For now, try to concentrate on how exciting it is every time you hear he's put on weight or he has reached another milestone. That helped me hugely. And every bit of weight gain or milestone reached is a step closer to home.
Once you have your baby home with you, you can finally start your new life as a family and your neonatal experience will gradually fade. I don't think you will ever forget it, and I actually don't want to completely forget it, but it does start to fade. It made your baby who he is, and definitely changes you as a person but not in a bad way....just makes you see things in a new light and makes you appreciate your baby so much - and I think makes you appreciate life in general and makes you see what's really important in life.
Sorry for the long ramble, hope I have helped a little bit!
I would just really echo what the others have said. You do somehow learn to cope and you are stronger than you think. Looking back, I keep thinking how on earth did we do it and not crack up, but we did.
Sophie was born at 27 weeks and was in hospital 60 miles away. I did find it hard - as Foogirl said, there is so much to think about - the stress of the end of your pregnancy if you knew the baby was coming early, becoming a new mum, having a baby in neonatal, no baby to take home with you...your hormones are all over the place because you are a new mummy but your baby isn't there with you.
I would also agree with her advice to take time for yourself. Looking back, I should have done that more. I was torn because I wanted to be with Sophie every waking moment but it does become very intense, and for a while there isn't a lot you can do, when cuddles are few and far between etc. I wish I'd known when Sophie was first born that it was ok to take some time away from the hospital, do things at home etc, but I spent day after day sitting beside the incubator. That maybe sounds bad now and it's certainly not that I didn't want to be with her - I did, and that's why I did it - but by the time she got to special care and I was allowed to do everything for her, I wished I'd taken time earlier to get things organised at home, catch up on some rest etc. But at the same time, I'm glad that I did spend all that time with her so she got to know my voice and I was a constant thing in her life.
We did eventually start taking a Sunday just for DH and me - he works near the hospital so has that 120 mile round trip every day and we did need some time out. We had two friends who used to go to see Sophie on the Sunday and send us pictures and tell us all about her. We did miss her like crazy, and often at 7pm we'd start thinking "we could be there in an hour if we were to leave now...!" but we never actually did that!
Some of the nurses sometimes seemed surprised that we were not going on the Sunday when we phoned in the morning to see how Sophie was and that made me feel bad but you do need to think about your wellbeing.
It's a long emotional journey, but honestly, you do get through it. Something just kicks in and it becomes a way of life. You will look back and think you have no idea how you did it but it really does seem worse when you look back than it does at the time.
Not having your baby with you is awful and I've been through so many spells of being so upset that I missed out on the whole giving birth and having my baby handed straight to me, bringing her home a few days later etc. But then I look at her and I think "she's my little miracle". They saved both her life and mine that day and I will always be grateful for that.
I am a bit ashamed to say that I didn't feel the overwhelming rush of love you're supposed to feel when I first saw her. I felt scared - I did feel a lot of love but not what I would expect. I was scared to touch her when the nurse said I could and I was so scared to get attached to her in case anything happened. I felt detached from the whole thing - like it was someone else's baby I was looking at lying in the incubator. But now, I am totally getting the overwhelming love thing. It gets stronger every day. I have bonded with her soooo much in the last few weeks, especially since DH went back to work and it's just the two of us all day every day. When I look at her I just love her so, so much and I'm now getting the feeling I expected to get when she was born. I fall in love with her more every time I look at her. After her first couple of days were past I stopped feeling so scared but it is a very surreal situation and not one you ever expect to find yourself in.
For now, try to concentrate on how exciting it is every time you hear he's put on weight or he has reached another milestone. That helped me hugely. And every bit of weight gain or milestone reached is a step closer to home.
Once you have your baby home with you, you can finally start your new life as a family and your neonatal experience will gradually fade. I don't think you will ever forget it, and I actually don't want to completely forget it, but it does start to fade. It made your baby who he is, and definitely changes you as a person but not in a bad way....just makes you see things in a new light and makes you appreciate your baby so much - and I think makes you appreciate life in general and makes you see what's really important in life.
Sorry for the long ramble, hope I have helped a little bit!
Marleysgirl
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Katy's post pretty much sums up what I would have said!
I, too, found it difficult to bond with our baby when he was on the unit - I felt like I was visiting somebody else's baby. I really didn't have this sense of having given birth to him. But once we brought him home and I could cuddle him whenever I liked, once I could get up in the middle of the night just to look at him sleeping, that was when I bonded.
I find it harder to think about that time now, than it was to actually go through it at the time. I think I buried myself in positive thinking and the unit's routine when it was happening. Now when I look back, I see just how scary it was.
I, too, found it difficult to bond with our baby when he was on the unit - I felt like I was visiting somebody else's baby. I really didn't have this sense of having given birth to him. But once we brought him home and I could cuddle him whenever I liked, once I could get up in the middle of the night just to look at him sleeping, that was when I bonded.
I find it harder to think about that time now, than it was to actually go through it at the time. I think I buried myself in positive thinking and the unit's routine when it was happening. Now when I look back, I see just how scary it was.
I'm really glad it's not just me who feeels that I didn't have the feeling of giving birth and that it was someone else's baby I was visiting (not that I want you to feel like that but you know what I mean!
) I do feel so different now Sophie's been home a while - I finally feel like she is my baby.
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Hiya hun and congrats on your LO. Not really got much to add than has already been said. NICU is a very very difficult time and a rollercoaster of emotions seems an understatement. Somehow though you will get through it and unbelievably it does feel like a distant memory and although at the time each hour drags once your LO is home it'll feel like that time went so fast.
How far away are you from the NICU? Its horrible not being able to be with our LO's all the time and it does feel like your visiting someone. My husband used to say he felt like he was going to the petting zoo coz we'd go see this lil life in a box and put our hands in and stroke her and only time we had proper cuddles was when cares needed doing coz you feel like you're being naughty if you dare to cuddle your child when theyre not awake.
It does get a lot better though, i wont say it gets easier but you just somehow find that each day does pass and yes some days are an awful lot harder than others. I can remember several occasions of just more or less crying all day and thinking my LO would never come home and that i just couldnt cope with it all anymore.
Wow this was a long post considering i said i had nothing to add lol.
Anyway sending you and your LO oodles of hugs and really hope your home soon xxx
How far away are you from the NICU? Its horrible not being able to be with our LO's all the time and it does feel like your visiting someone. My husband used to say he felt like he was going to the petting zoo coz we'd go see this lil life in a box and put our hands in and stroke her and only time we had proper cuddles was when cares needed doing coz you feel like you're being naughty if you dare to cuddle your child when theyre not awake.
It does get a lot better though, i wont say it gets easier but you just somehow find that each day does pass and yes some days are an awful lot harder than others. I can remember several occasions of just more or less crying all day and thinking my LO would never come home and that i just couldnt cope with it all anymore.
Wow this was a long post considering i said i had nothing to add lol.
Anyway sending you and your LO oodles of hugs and really hope your home soon xxx
