Suze
Mummy to Ava & Oscar
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- Oct 12, 2008
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I've been a bit slow on the uptake at this boards new existence but would like to just share my story about Joe...
I found out in May that I was pregnant again, it was a bit of a shock as we'd not dtd much since giving birth to my beautiful Ava
So, I relaxed into the pregnancy, found it difficult to think (and obsess!) that much about it due to having an active 1 year old. I spotted on and off however tried not to compare my pregnancy to Ava and had quite a few scans due to this but everything was 'fine' they said.
At just over 16 weeks I went to have the triple test and the midwife tried to listen in to baby's heartbeat but couldn't find it. I was booked in for a scan the next morning but went home and didn't worry too much as I hardly had a bump and presumed my baby was just snuggled in at the back.
The next morning at the scan my whole world came crashing in on me as I was told the baby was dead, and most probably died about a week ago.
We had no choice other than to be induced 2 days later and deliver the baby.
Those 2 days at home were horrific, I was struggling with the fact I had my dead baby inside of me, and was petrified about going though labour and delivery. Ava got me though it though.
On the 14th of August I gave birth at 7.50pm to a tiny baby boy. It was the most surreal experience, having gone though the physical pain of labour, the drama of waters breaking, to then to give birth in silence to my sleeping boy. We called him Joe.
We spent a couple of hours with him where we showed him the sun shining and then it fell dark. I kissed him and told him about his sister, where he would have lived and who his family would have been. We left the hospital 3 hours later empy handed and with a big hole in my heart.
We had Joe's funeral 3 weeks later and all I kept saying was "he shouldn't be in that box but here in my tummy"
Last week we found out that Joe had a rare chomosomal disorder called triploidy which is incompatible with life. This means he had a full additional set of chromosomes so he really was no ordinary Joe and he was not made for the world but for life inside my tummy only.
It will be 2 months tomorow since we said hello and goodbye. I feel so so sad still and am struggling with the fact that nobody talks about it, nobody knows what to say to me so says nothing and that hurts more...like Joe never existed. It really is true that a mothers grief is the lonliest thing ever. I guess maybe I am reaching the anger phase of bereavement?
Anyway thanks for reading of you got to the end, I didn't mean for this to be so long!
Sleep tight baby Joe
I found out in May that I was pregnant again, it was a bit of a shock as we'd not dtd much since giving birth to my beautiful Ava
So, I relaxed into the pregnancy, found it difficult to think (and obsess!) that much about it due to having an active 1 year old. I spotted on and off however tried not to compare my pregnancy to Ava and had quite a few scans due to this but everything was 'fine' they said.
At just over 16 weeks I went to have the triple test and the midwife tried to listen in to baby's heartbeat but couldn't find it. I was booked in for a scan the next morning but went home and didn't worry too much as I hardly had a bump and presumed my baby was just snuggled in at the back.
The next morning at the scan my whole world came crashing in on me as I was told the baby was dead, and most probably died about a week ago.
We had no choice other than to be induced 2 days later and deliver the baby.
Those 2 days at home were horrific, I was struggling with the fact I had my dead baby inside of me, and was petrified about going though labour and delivery. Ava got me though it though.
On the 14th of August I gave birth at 7.50pm to a tiny baby boy. It was the most surreal experience, having gone though the physical pain of labour, the drama of waters breaking, to then to give birth in silence to my sleeping boy. We called him Joe.
We spent a couple of hours with him where we showed him the sun shining and then it fell dark. I kissed him and told him about his sister, where he would have lived and who his family would have been. We left the hospital 3 hours later empy handed and with a big hole in my heart.
We had Joe's funeral 3 weeks later and all I kept saying was "he shouldn't be in that box but here in my tummy"
Last week we found out that Joe had a rare chomosomal disorder called triploidy which is incompatible with life. This means he had a full additional set of chromosomes so he really was no ordinary Joe and he was not made for the world but for life inside my tummy only.
It will be 2 months tomorow since we said hello and goodbye. I feel so so sad still and am struggling with the fact that nobody talks about it, nobody knows what to say to me so says nothing and that hurts more...like Joe never existed. It really is true that a mothers grief is the lonliest thing ever. I guess maybe I am reaching the anger phase of bereavement?
Anyway thanks for reading of you got to the end, I didn't mean for this to be so long!
Sleep tight baby Joe
