No Support? **Long!**

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Second Trimester' started by leigh277, Jan 31, 2011.

  1. leigh277

    leigh277 Well-Known Member

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    I'm almost 22 weeks pregnant and I've my anomoly scan tomorrow afternoon. I found out I was pregnant quite far into the pregnancy, about 10 weeks, and I'd split from the father as he wanted children and I had been told I wouldn't be able too. By this time he'd been seeing someone else (who he is now living with) but said he'd support me in what I chose; although he said he was unsure how he would support me financially. (He earns over £15000 a year, he is self employed so his income can change often, but that is enough for him!) I then lost my job, redundencies were being made and as I'd not been in the job for too long I was obviously one of the first to go. Since the split I've been back home with my mother and sister, which is hard for us all, my mum owns a small house. I'm looking for temporary work just for 12/16 weeks so I am able to help myself rent and furnish a house before the baby is born, but obviously it is hard to do so when pregnant. This is leaving me in the situation that for a short while it seems that I need to rely on the benefits to help me sort this out, while I still look for work. The money I have had is going towards things for the baby so even though I'm in need of it, I have no maternity clothes, no new bras that fit, and the father (even though I believe he will not support financially) won't even come to the anomoly scan tomorrow as he says he has too much work.

    I kow it's an awful situation but I'm doing everything I can to try and make sure the baby will be ok and have everything it wants, and I'm planning on beginning a degree in September, soon after the baby is born to give me a better chance of getting a job (like a teacher) that would make it easier to work around the baby. However my family now I've told them and spoken to them about the pregnancy are pushing and pushing for me to have an abortion. I told them I wasn't able to but they looked into it and found I could. I don't agree with abortion in general, however I do in exeptional circumstances, but I don't see my circumstances as that exceptional.

    Has anyone else had problems like this? With all the hormones and all the things to consider and pressure how are you meant to know your own mind when people are pushing for you to change it so late? I love this little baby already it seems, I'd do anything I could for him/her but I don't know how to stay strong against so much!:nope:
     
  2. Mirrie

    Mirrie Stepmum to 3 & Mummy 2Eli

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    Hi hun, firstly it sounds like you've been through alot already- no one has the right to "push you" to do anything, things arent perfect but are they ever? I'm married but we're both ill and things are tough-I think money wise they are for everyone at the moment, we're living through a depression!!

    What you need to think about is this decision will effect you for the rest of your life and the people who seem to be pushing you are the ones that should be supporting you...have you got any close friends or a doc that you could talk this through with?

    Pm me if you wanna chat hun xx
     
  3. Doodlepants

    Doodlepants Well-Known Member

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    Oh hun, so sorry you're going through this!

    It sounds like FOB is a bit of a waster? It sounds as though he didn't waste any time in finding someone else and is living with her already?!!

    Sounds like you're well shot of him! However- he does have a commitment to you financially so don't worry to much about that. I don't know much about it but he will have to pay you child support.

    With regards to carrying on your pregnancy, if you, like you say, already love your baby then I think you have your answer. I'm not going to say it's going to be easy but it is your decision- you need to speak to your family and tell them what you decide and explain that they must respect this and that you will need their support. Unfortunately, not everyone gets the support they need from family- but the important thing to remember is that they do it anyway.
    Try and stay strong- do you have friends who can offer emotional support? Maybe speak to your midwife abut how you're feeling, you won't be the first person who doesn't have the support from family they need- she could offer better advice than I.
    Remember you're never alone.
    Take care hun x
     
  4. shellbelly

    shellbelly Well-Known Member

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    You keep the baby hunny if that's what you want to do, it might be tough times right now but everything will work out ok, you just wait and see, hugs xxx
     
  5. abc123x

    abc123x Well-Known Member

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    I'm sorry to hear this. I must be honest with you and tell you that in just a few weeks, your baby could be able to survive on its own. Having an abortion would just be wrong.

    Have you thought about adoption at all? Do you have a family member who might be willing to take the baby for a while until you get your degree or at least get on your feet? It is horrible that your family would even ask you to have an abortion. :nope:

    I am certain that you will find your way.
     
  6. pandabub

    pandabub Well-Known Member

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    Oh honey *hugs*. As a pp stated, it is important that you don't feel pressured into doing anything you don't want to do. You yourself have said that you love this baby, and therefore I fear that if you were to give in to other people's forcefulness, you'd be doing something that you would later come to seriously regret.

    You should be commended for planning to make a life for yourself - enrolling in a degree, etc - and there are plenty of women who do do this whilst raising children. Perhaps you could speak to your chosen university about the kind of support that they offer mothers? I completed my degrees in New Zealand, but they has a creche and everything available so that childcare was readily available whilst attending lectures, etc. It would definitely be worth looking into whether this is also an option at the school you wish to attend.

    As another pp pointed out, your ex is obliged to support you financially so I would look into getting that sorted. I would also ensure that he is aware of this.

    Let me know if you need to chat hun - PM me any time. I understand what it is like to fret about finances etc - I can also empathize with the pressure to abort your unborn child as something vaguely similar to this happened to me.

    Love and strength to you xxx
     
  7. lilwelsh1

    lilwelsh1 3 happy kids+2 angels

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    big :hugs: to u hun. Sorry to hear u r having a tough time.

    Its shocking when someone mentions the 'A' word to u this late on and from your own family too? It may seem the easiest option for them but u would have to get through each day afterwards. I wont continue as by all accounts its against rules of the forum to discuss abortion.

    As for FOB a slap into reality is whats needed for the guy. Have csa deal with him when the baby is born this child is his too and he should support him/her when s/he is born. Just because he has a new girlfriend doesnt mean he can walk away from his responsibilities.

    It may seem hard at first but u will get into the swing once baby is born so try to relax and sort out what u can to ensure things are going smoothly as poss when the big day comes. As for claiming benefits dont feel bad for going on them, they are there for times like this u didnt deliberately quit your job and get pregnant just to go on benefits they are a safety net for those in need. And it wont be long before u can move onto income support and u wont have to go and sign on every fortnight. Not only that they will give all the help u need to find work, they can give u info on grants and funding for when u start your degree and tell u about help with childcare while in education. Maybe looking at the possibility of applying for social housing would be a help too? It doesnt have to be all scary and gloomy, u can make this the start of a new fresh life. Just u and baby making it in the world. And once u have bettered your education u can move onto bigger brighter things. I wish u all the luck in the world, im sure it will all come good in the end.
     
  8. miss cakes

    miss cakes Well-Known Member

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    hey you seem to have it planned out how your going to get through this and make something of it your already halfway there your family should support your decision not push you to an abortion especially at this late stage thats pretty horrible its seems like underneath all the worries you do want this baby so dont listen to what they say it isnt happening to them is it ive had to claim benefits at the moment aswell due to the father buggering off and leaving me in the lurch with 2 nealry 3 kids its not the nicest thing but you need it to help you out at the moment nobody is likely to employ you while your pregnant did you know that you can apply for a months rent in advance for a deposit on a rented place from the social? what you need to concentrate on now is finding a little place of your own i think you would be much happier x
     
  9. shiner

    shiner Well-Known Member

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    I am very pro-choice but I can't even imagine considering it at this late stage with no health reason. If they talked about that in the beginning that is one thing, but it is time to move forward. Your family needs to start accepting there will be a baby and discussing plans. I don't think I would be on speaking terms with my family if they even hited something like that at 22 weeks along.

    You will figure it out. Lots of people find themselves in similar situations and survive. And, you can leagally pursue the father for support if he does not offer it willingly.
     
  10. LadyRoy

    LadyRoy Well-Known Member

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    Sorry honey that you are going through this. Tell your friends and family to F Off. There is lots of help out there for single mothers so please don't feel alone. You can start off with talking to your GP or midwife if you feel comfortable doing so.

    Also, we are not allowed to discuss the A word as it is a very sensitive subject.
     
  11. Weezie123

    Weezie123 Well-Known Member

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    You have a little miracle growing inside you, especially as you thought you couldn't have children. Your ex's behaviour seems very strange especially as he had wanted a baby with you. This must be so hard as you are not being supported by your family. Ask your midwife about benefits you may be entitled to, I was given a booklet by mine. You Will be a brilliant mum especially as you are planning to do a teaching degree to provide for your baby :hugs:
     

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