Not sure if anyone else has been in this situation...

[SammieGrace]

After writing this I realized it was kind of a long rant, but...
I was not ttc when i got pregnant with our angel baby, but when we found out about the pregnancy both me and my DH were very excited. We are both still young (22 at that point), and in post-BA education, so it wasn't very practical for us to have a baby but we were still very excited. Our families both felt that this was bad timing and mine was very upset about the pregnancy, which made the loss all the more difficult.

I had a MMC at 9 weeks + 6 which we found out about at the 12 wk scan. I had some spotting early on, so had had two previous early scans that the doc said looked fine despite the bleeding. I was extremely stressed by the familial conflict related to the pregnancy and the loss was devastating. We had moved into a rental house to make room for a baby and I was beside myself.

At first I wanted to TTC right away, but emotionally I was not ready, and my DH was not either. After 6 months I started counseling, which has helped a lot, and now it has been over a year since our loss (06/2009) and we both want a baby. I know that my family would still not be happy because we are still in school and have only been married for a year. Even so, all I can think of is having a child, I feel that we missed out on so much because of our loss. Having an empty bedroom that was supposed to be a nursery, and a full set of cloth diapers has not made it easy to not have a child.

We are considering TTC in September so that we could have a baby next summer. I would only have one year of school left then and my schedule would be somewhat flexible. However, that year, my DH will be doing an internship and might have to be away, at least during the week, depending on his placement. The following year I would be doing the same thing, but he should be able to go with me. While we don't have tons of money, I believe we have enough to support a child modestly (we are fine with used things). I am totally dreading the idea of having to tell my parents once again (if it were to happen) that I was pregnant and having them be disappointed. I worry that if we wait, it might turn out that we have fertility problems and will not be able to have a child. We have dogs, I have a garden full of plants and tend to be a very domestic person. If we waited until later I might be able to take more time off to be with a baby, but I am not sure.

I just feel very alone in this, and like no one could understand why I want a baby now instead of several years from now (which was the plan before the first pregnancy). In some ways I think that the pain of being a mother without a child is harder than it would be for me to have a baby to care for (though Idk if this is true because of not having kids).

Has anyone been through something similar? What did you decide to do? I would love some support and advice. My DH has been wonderful, but he isn't a woman and I don't want to hound him with my worries about this.

 

[thepurlqueen]

When I had my first dd I was still very young (19) and had just started school when we found out. I dreaded telling our family because I knew what they would say. I went back to college when my 2nd was 1.

After my third I started to feel the pressure of people questioning whether we should have more when I would tell them we wanted more. It sucked, but in the end I knew I had to do what was right for me and my immediate family and what I wanted was more important than making other people happy.

We have not told anyone we are ttc #5, but I don't ask for help, I can support my kids and our family works. I guess I am just saying do what you want, and as hard as it is, forget about pleasing other people. If it is something you can do emotionally and financially then I say why wait? I also go to school, and while it has taken a while, I have had two of my kids since starting, we've made it work. I think if it's something you truely desire, you could make it work too. Lots of parents work/go to school, you just do what's best for you and dh and what you both want. A baby is a lot of work, but if you completely understand what you're getting yourself into, then I see no reason why you shouldn't ttc if you want.

Sorry so long, hope it helps a little.

 

[Lucia]

I have not been in a similar situation but I just want to say that there rarely is a perfect time to have a baby - at least not for people that have to work or go to school. If you feel like it is your time, don't let what others say affect your decision. Only you and your DH can determine if you are ready.

 

[aussiettc]

I'm sorry that you have to go through suck a difficult time.
While i won't offer advice i will tell you my story and you can take what you like from it.
I found out i was pregnant with DS#1 when i was 18 (8/1998)and DH and i had only been seeing each other for 2 1/2 months. DH had proposed the month before i think we concieved that night. Anyway we weren't living together or anything and ended up moving in together. We had DS and when he was 4 months old we moved interstate away from family and friends (to get home is like an 18 hour car ride1500km) Anyway so it was tough for a bit especially when family members got really sick and one passed away and there wasn't anything we could do to get back there at the time.I was studying at the time and managed to finish the course even being interstate.

Anyway then we started TTC #2 which just due to stress and weight issues wasn't happening as i only ovulated about every 3 to 4 months. I had put on about 35 - 40kg with DS due to pre term labour at 24weeks and was on bed rest for the rest of the pregnacy. So it was taking its time and i had decided to study a Bachelor of Law and a bachelor of Commerce. So in the end we were about to start IVF when we had a routine blood test before starting down reging whenn we found we were pregnant with DD (1/2006). the gap between DS#1 and DD is 6 years.

I had DD just over half way through my degrees and still kept studying so it was lovely. I had a few weks left ofter she was born and my teacheers were lovly. I finished my exams for the semester then got to have 2 months at home with her before the next semester started. We also got married in august 2007 during the start of the uni semester.

I then decided i wanted more children and we concieved DS#2 in March (2008). I had him right at the end of my final semester of my bachelor degrees. I graduated in December 2008 and DS#2 was 4 weeks old at the ceremony. During my last semester of study i also worked in a placement for 2 days a week. It was tuough at time but i finished it without to much trouble i was just tired.

in February 2009 i went back and did my Gradute diploma in legal practice. I studied part time and did it over a year and then went and did my 60 days worth of work placement over 6 months (a couple of days a week), graduated and was admitted to the Australian bar in May 2010. so thats my story, i've had 3 kids and TTC#4 with MC in feb and June this year, but i have also managed to finish not 1 but 2 bachelor degrees and a post graduate diploma. Theere has not been a time in my life when i have regretted having my children or wheere they have stopped me from doing the study i wanted to do. I have achieved everything i wanted to do ever since i was a little kid. At the moment i am not working but that is because i have chosen to stay at home with my kids untill they are all at scholl and then i'll probally look for some part time work. I know that my kids are well taken care of since DH is in IT Management. 2 years ago we brought our first house and we as a family have done all of this ourselves due the location of our family. Its a bit hard to get nanna to baby sit when it will take at least a day to get here

Anyway soory its so long but thats my story, i turn 30 this year and have done more that anyone else in my family by myself (with DH of course) even when they didn't think i could. Yes i remember the conversations with my family when i found out i was pregnant and how they said there was no way i would cope and that i wouldn't be able to fulfill my dreams of beecoming a solicitor. The funniest thing is now they use me as a model for the rest of the family. My step sister has 2 kids and wants another but can't even go shopping by herself with her kids, she need my mum to go with her so she can handle her kids which are the same age as my youngest two. My step father always says to her now, "you're not like mary you know, how will you handle 3 when you can't handle the 2 you have now". Boy how peoples opinions of you change when they see for themselves how you do handle things that come your way. Oh i forgot to add for the birht of my second and third children i didn't have family here to help, we had to hire a babysitter to look after the kids so DH could be at the birth but hey we worked it out and now we are the strongest family unit ever. People always tell me hove loving my kids are to each other too. i don't think anything could ever separate us.

 

[SammieGrace]

Thank you all so much for your words of support. DH and I are assessing our finances right now and I am very hopeful that we can make things work out and have our LO soon! I think having the MC really changed my priorities, I am not sure if that is something that happened for a lot of you guys as well?

 

[pregoinnorge]

Hi sammiegrace,
I am very sorry for your loss and for all this confusion. Our situation was similar in that we got pregnant when we weren't trying (I was on the pill) but once we found out we were over the moon. When we lost it, it crushed us, even though we didn't even realize that's what we wanted yet! So, I stayed off the pill and we're just seeing what happens. But yet, it's amazing how having something like this happen can change your priorities. Best of luck to you!