OH still hasn't told family

[Lyd]

They live in Africa!!! Come on, what are they going to do from over there! Tell him to grow a set of balls!!!!

Men, soooo annoying!

 

[fingers_cross]

Yeah I was introduced to my ex "sister" turned out it was a girl he used to dates daughter who he basically helped raised (could have even been his daughter for all i know!lol).

does his family definitely not speak english? where in africa are they from? sorry hun..but id suggest some snooping is in order..however..only do it if ur prepared to deal with what u may find.xxx

 

[caandii]

They are from Sudan and I've heard him on the phone to his mom and he never speaks English to her. I think his dad speaks some English but he doesn't talk to him much.
Trust me I would snoop if I could just to give me some peace of mind but he keeps a lock on his phone and I don't know any of his friends/ family to ask questions.

 

[Sunshine12]

If it were me I would tell him point blank that this cant go on forever and that he has to tell them. He is a father and a partner to you now and whilst I appreciate his families religion is important it shouldnt be more important than you are (and if he says it is then he shouldnt have gone against the beliefs of that religion in the first place.) Alarm bells would be loudly ringing if it were me. x

 

[Noelle610]

If it were me I would tell him point blank that this cant go on forever and that he has to tell them. He is a father and a partner to you now and whilst I appreciate his families religion is important it shouldnt be more important than you are (and if he says it is then he shouldnt have gone against the beliefs of that religion in the first place.) Alarm bells would be loudly ringing if it were me. x

I agree. I would also tell him that he needs to agree to counseling immediately. I'm not a fan of ultimatums, but he is being very unfair to you.

As the PP said, if his religion and family were that important then he should not have had a child with you to begin with.

 

[Larkspur]

When you say you tell him you're done and can't take it anymore and that "doesn't work", what does that mean? If you're using leaving as an empty threat, it's just teaching him you don't have a real boundary about this.

 

[aliss]

I remember you wrote about this before. He probably isn't telling them because he's probably already married....... I'm sorry you are going through this but he is hiding more than just you and the baby.

 

[rebeccalouise]

I would tell him straight that you can't go on how you are, that he needs to tell them or you'll leave. Hopefully that would make him see sense? I would be seriously paranoid & concerned if I were you, it can't be nice! x

 

[Randianne]

If he is willing to hide his own child from his family, I can only imagine what he is hiding from you.

 

[fingers_cross]

why not ask him straight out if he is married back home? Men are RUBBISH liars, especially if u catch them off guard before they have time to think (my ex used to walk off to go to the toilet when i did this lol...and always came back with a lovely story) so id try that. if he looks really uncomfortable then ull know, also mention that ud love to go to sudan one day once ur married and meet all his friends and family. u will tell from his reaction more than likely.x

ETA: if u ask him...make sure u say in a serious voice first "can I ask you something"..makes them nervous

 

[caandii]

When you say you tell him you're done and can't take it anymore and that "doesn't work", what does that mean? If you're using leaving as an empty threat, it's just teaching him you don't have a real boundary about this.

Not an empty threat. I've basically told him to f**** off nd packed his bags and he's left but we have a flat together so he refuses to give me the keys and he comes back nd there isn't really anything I can do about it.
I've tried going to my moms/friends for a few days and not calling or texting him hoping he'll see what he's gonna miss out on if he continues but.... No luck

 

[_jellybean_]

Hmmm....what is your gut telling you? Do you think he's lying to you?

You mentioned him possibly having a child? How could he not know/care that he might have a child? Sorry, I'm a bit confused hon.

 

[Noelle610]

When you say you tell him you're done and can't take it anymore and that "doesn't work", what does that mean? If you're using leaving as an empty threat, it's just teaching him you don't have a real boundary about this.

Not an empty threat. I've basically told him to f**** off nd packed his bags and he's left but we have a flat together so he refuses to give me the keys and he comes back nd there isn't really anything I can do about it.
I've tried going to my moms/friends for a few days and not calling or texting him hoping he'll see what he's gonna miss out on if he continues but.... No luck

He can't hold you hostage. If you really don't want to be with him, I'd move out. I know you feel like you can't do anything about it, but you can. Yes, it will be unpleasant, but in the long run I think it would be best.

 

[Sunshine12]

He sounds like a total tosser and you deserve better but it sounds like you might be scared of being on your own (which is a completely reasonable way to feel). Dont sell yourself short. You deserve to be happy, not to be with someone that has no respect for you or your childs needs. x

 

[Jolann]

He may or may not be married back home, but I would guess at the least he'd be promised to someone. If he told his family he's married and therefore couldn't marry the person he was promised to, it would bring great shame on his family. They probably would react badly and likely cut him off/out. I hate to sound harsh, but it sounds like he's not prepared to go through the emotional impact of this for you. Chances are he's lied about more than just you and your son - its common for people who've left Africa to go to Europe to lie about how successful their lives are so they look good to their families.

Firstly, you have to decide if how important him not telling them about you really is too you. If you can accept that his life now is here with you, that he probably tells them other lies too, that thats culturally acceptable to him and that you'll just never meet them and they won't be part of yours of your baby's lives then you can forget about it and move on. Does he go home often? If not, maybe it doesn't really matter what his life was out there.

If you can't accept it then you need to find out what the real situation is.

Snooping would be very hard if you know little about his life in the Sudan. I think it was fingerscrossed who suggested catching him off guard by asking him outright - that sounds like your most likely method of finding out. I would also suggest turning it right round and instead of getting upset about it, play up to it. If he's promising to tell them when your married, make out like your doing everything possible to get married. Say things like "it'll be great when we're married, I can't wait to meet your mum, she's going to love her grandson" See how nervous he gets. You'll be able to see if he's serious about doing it or if he's just going to put other barriers in the way. I really would try hard not to make it an argument - IME (African husband) telling him he must do something is an absolutely sure fire way to stop him from doing it! I really do have the most easy going husband in the world but once he digs his heels in, it takes a heck of a long time to change his mind. You need to play the long game on this if its really really important to you.

I'm really sorry your having to go through this, hope you find a way to work things out.

Oh and African families are generally quite extended - there will ALWAYS be someone who speaks English somewhere!

 

[_Mouse_]

If it was me I would mail them a photo of the 3 of you together. let him explain that

 

[caandii]

Hmmm....what is your gut telling you? Do you think he's lying to you?

You mentioned him possibly having a child? How could he not know/care that he might have a child? Sorry, I'm a bit confused hon.

He doesn't seem like the type to lie about anything back home but I don't know for sure. And we have a five month old son.

 

[bananaz]

He doesn't seem like the type to lie about anything back home but I don't know for sure. And we have a five month old son.

I'm sure his family doesn't think he's the type to hide a child and a potential fiance from them either. If he can deceive them, he can deceive you. Believe me on that one!

 

[Jinnah]

I went through this. My ex-husbands parents wanted him to marry an Indian girl... not me. We married, anyway, but he wouldn't tell them. When they found out, they came to our apartment, cried and begged him to go home, and he went! He kept coming back and forth... I stupidly let him. When I got pregnant, he said it wasn't his. How awful. Long story short, he and his family were a nightmare to me. He was always back and forth and admitted to cheating. I never look back and miss that relationship. Glad I got the two kids we had, but so glad to have found a wonderful dh who is proud of me.

Not saying your situation is going to turn out like mine did, but be very careful.

 

[Haylee.]

If I were you Hun, I'd somehow find a way to make myself and bub known! Should you really have to sit and wait for him to do so? Like Lyd said what can they do from Africa other than object? x