Old Wounds

[superp123]

For those who wonder if you ever get over it. I think the answer to that question depends on weather or not you've been given the opportunity to see it through again. This time 4yrs ago I was in th ER having a mc at 12wks. I went in and the first time I was able to see my baby it was already gone. It wasn't until Christmas Eve when I would actually have a full mc. It was heartwrenching. I remember the emotions, the feeling of being numb, thinking there was a mistake. I remember thinking, 'this is Christmas....' how unfair everything was. Its all very fresh and yet it's like a very fuzzy memeory and you wonder was that me?
I've since lost another at 7wks this June. Both pregnancies were found on dates that stick with you, the first Oct 31, second Mothers Day, both lost around the same type of dates, first Christmas, second my birthday. I'm going on thirty-one this year and still no children of my own. I'm older, with less than half the eggs I was born with and still waiting for a sticky bean. Not to say that I'm the oldest bird here, but I feel like time has slipped away from me. I started this TTC thing young (at least I thought) with the hopes of having six children. I'm now 4years older and childless, I'd be happy with one, and I'm running out of important dates.
I cannot even count how many babies have been born around me in this time. I don't even want to attempt it.
Now not to say that I'm gloom and doom. It's just not my style. With one anniversary and another due date creeping up on me and no BFP again this cycle. I can't help but reflect a little on the person I was, from the person I've become. I don't think I'll ever be the same. The thing about having a mc(s) is not about the agony of having a mc but of the memories of the things you'd hoped for, the failure you feel, the sense of being incomplete. It's constant, and frustrating.
Is it less painfull today? Sure. But I wish today, I'd be in a situation where I could say, 'look once upon a time I had mc but look now I've got that little babe I'd alway's hoped for...' I wish. This time next year, I hope that I can tell that story. In the mean time here's to faith, hope and love.
P

 

[Smiler]

Didnt want to read your thread and not reply. Anyone who hasn't suffered a miscarriage cannot really understand the loss and emotions that stay with you forever. I feel very fortunate at the moment as after suffering mc, I am lucky enough to be pregnant again. However, i dont feel I can fully enjoy the pregnancy as I am still thinking what ifs about the previous pregnancy, and instead of wanting to enjoy a christmas pregnant, I am sad that my angel baby should have been here now, but isn't. My emotions and feelings about my mc are still as fresh as the day I found out. Being pregnant again does not take those feelings away. In my first I had important dates lined up (first drs appt - valentines, due date - dads birthday etc), but I realise that having dates like that are not that important any more. The pregnancy dates themselves are important on their own. Please dont try and focus on set dates for things. Oh and you are not too old, nor the oldest on here!!! I am now 35, edging 36 and this will be my first child. Some people get lucky early on, others, well we dont. Fingers crossed that you will be a BFP soon. x

 

[Rumpskin]

I totally understand where you are coming from darling. With my 2nd miscarriage this year, it has hit me harder this time around at Christmas time. This time last year I was pregnant but sadly lost it in the New Year.

I will gladly kick 2008 into oblivion as it has been the worst year ever for me.

However, I will never forget my due dates, 8 August 2008 and 19 May 2009.

I am hoping with time, I will look back without crying xxx

 

[mugzy]

I hope you get your bfp soon.

 

[superp123]

Thanks. I don't want you all to think I'm planning a pregnancy around important dates. That is not the case. I'm just feeling a bit like I'm running out of important dates that aren't associated with sadness. Ya know? In my day to day, the dates themselves don't bother me so much... I'm just coming up on them again and I've reminded myself again.
Sometimes, I just have to let it out and bring in the fresh air so to speak. I know that my time will come, and all of yours too. Thanks girls.
P

 

[Omi]

Well..superp..as you know i too now join in the sad 2 mc club, and i too am deeply dissapointed that i am where i am, not getting any younger and still childless.

BUT..even while i was looking at my Christmas tree feeling myself well up, thinking..'wtf..whats the point of this?? There are no children here and there should be!' I knew that i havent lost hope or the will to go on. May i add i have always absolutely adored xmas and still do so i was very shocked at my reaction..but i guess its all very fresh in my mind ( go in for my ercp tomorrow!!) and its perhaps naive to think i wouldnt feel a barrage of emotions. Hey, instead of having one baby and another one the way..i now have to brace myself to see my SIL lovely kids at Christmas, both of whom she had no problem in conceiving or delivering! And did i mention she's a year younger than me at 37?

I try to be pragmatic about these things..i try to find some sort of lesson i can take from this because i need to feel im not some broken baby machine thats had it, and because most of all, i need to keep going, knowing very well that next time its gonna be twice as hard and no joy will be had for the entire first trimester for me. But,as i said, im still hopeful and i feel i can learn to be more patient- seeing as i was the Queen of Impatience..its a lesson well learned, lol!

As Rumpskin aptly put it- this has been the worst year of my life and i cannot wait to see the back of it. I still have everything i had before this happened to me but im a little more wiser, a little bit more grateful but above all...a lot more determined. Ive grown even thicker skin than i had before and i know that i truly, truly can go through this and come out on the other side! Its not something i would have wished on myself or my worst enemy...but its my life and i need to deal with it- and i am. remarkably well, even if i do say so myself

I will take these experiences with me to my grave but i also feel a bit pi**ed off this happened to me, angry that fate deemed it necessary to happen to ME. But due to this I have also learned that i spit in fate's face (lol!) that i will keep at it despite what falls in my path. In short, although i do care about the pain and suffering it has bestowed on me- i refuse to let it keep me down. I REFUSE. It will not beat me and and i shall fight every step of the way to my next pg and beyond. I shall succeed!

Some people have it easier, bless them. But we have been picked to be warriors- and i for one pick up the fight, i accept this challenge- bring on the next battle!!

No one knows how truly devastating this can be unless having experienced this first hand. I commend anyone who goes through this and comes out on the other side... you all have my deepest respect and my heartfelt sympathies!

I wish us all a happy and fruitful new year and i thank you all for the support..you ladies are the best of the best!!!

, Omi xxx

 

[superp123]

Omi, I think ya got me. And I love that you called us warriors.
Here's to the next battle, its not worth having if it isn't worth fighting for! Big hugs darlin.
P

 

[Lazy Leo]

Agree completely with everything both you and Omi have said Super. We'll get there, don't know how, but we will!!!

 

[Omi]

oooh, i just wanted to add that new research seems to suggest we are perhaps not all born with the eggs we will ever have. Research done in mice (oh, come on..bear with me, lol) suggests otherwise and a short synopsis of this research is here if anyone is interested. https://sexualhealth.e-healthsource.com/?p=news1&id=527033

Also, wanted to point out something i read in a book about fertility, specifically about age, that it all depends on how you look at things. I.e. men produce new sperm all the time which means their sperm is actually as old as they are!!! Whereas our eggs where made at time of conception, with the best and freshest genetic quality available.

There has been a lot of research done into this field and more and more fertility experts are coming around to the idea that you are not necessarily over the hill once you reach a certain age- contrary to some sources. yes, your body ages, but if 71 year old women, with 71 year old wombs can carry babies, then for someone who still has all the available hormones, periods and takes good care of their health- there is every hope that one can get pg and give birth to healthy baby.

Lets not worry about age, huh? This is just a hurdle and we will get past this like any other!!!

Hugs, Omi xxx