Opinions on TTC after miscarriage, without bf support

Discussion in 'Trying To Conceive' started by Zoey, Sep 2, 2009.

  1. Zoey

    Zoey Well-Known Member

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    Okay so please dont go judging me cos thats not gonna help!!

    When I fell pregnant last time, it wasn't planned, however we knew we were unprotected, but I was under the impression that was fine, and if it happened it happened, because my boyfriend agreed he would be ready to try, but once I fell pregnant, he went really different, screamed at me to kill it, threatened me a few times, but after a few long chats, he calmed, and came round, and although he wasnt happy about it, he was willing to stand by me, and the further more I got into pregnancy, the more relaxed he became, then I had a sudden m/c at 6 weeks. I was devastated, but my boyfriend wasnt phazed at all, which upset me, but I expected it. However, since then, Ive watched the way he treats the animals and other children, hes brilliant, so soft and gentle, caring, wakes up all during the night just to make sure hes not squashing our new kitten in the bed! And as much as this DOES feel wrong to me, I might start going unprotected again, not taking the pill, leaving him under the impression I am still taking the pill, because I KNOW 110% that once he sees that bump grow, then holds his baby, he will regret the day he said kill it, Ive been with him nearly 3 years now and know him very well.

    Do you think this is something which you see as okay? I mean, to be honest, if worst came to worst (which im 90%) it wouldnt, Id go it alone, and if that child wanted to meet daddy one day, then I would let them go for it. My boyfriends family are very caring anyway, and would want everything to do with the baby. Im already worried I wont be able to carry again, but im determined to try, and this time, keep my head low until 13 weeks arrives. What do you all think?
     
  2. debgreasby

    debgreasby Happy Mummy!

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    Have you spoken to him again about it recently?
     
  3. Jaxvipe

    Jaxvipe Mom to Avianna

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    I was kind of in the same boat as you. I got pg in March and had a MC at 7+6 weeks. My BF wanted to have an abortion but i knew that i couldnt do that. But I ended up MCing anyway.

    You should try talking to him about it, because i sat down with my BF and he actually said that he wanted a baby and we agreed that we would not prevent anything and just let it take its course. I never thought in a million years that he would agree! I even got him to agree to take Vitamins to help his swimmers!! So, even if you think that he isn't going to be down for trying to have a baby, just talk to him... his answer may suprise you
     
  4. Zoey

    Zoey Well-Known Member

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    No have not mentioned it, but I did mention going back on the pill, and he wanted to use condoms aswell for the first few times to be extra safe. So Im guessing hes still not too keen, its a hard question to answer I know but you have to be here and know my boyfriend, I know his opinion will change once I have a bump and then a bubba. Ive been so depressed since losing this baby, every single one of my friends are now pregnant, or just had babies. Its killing me inside it really is, and I havent had an easy life so far, so a baby is sorta like my dream, and im clinging onto it with all my might
     
  5. Zoey

    Zoey Well-Known Member

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    The thing is, I already know his answer, I know what hes like, and hes one of these people that will say now, yes next year, then we get then, and hes like, next year instead, oh just one more year, thats what happened last time. And if I bring it up, we will end up using condoms permenant and ill never get that angel I so desperately want :(
     
  6. debgreasby

    debgreasby Happy Mummy!

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    If it was me, i'd just keep talking to him. But that's just my opinion.
    You should do what is right for you in your situation. No one else can tell you what to do, only what they might do in your situation.

    Hope everything works out for you.

    xxx
     
  7. EHM

    EHM Guest

    So sorry for your loss sending lots of :hugs:. I had a mc last month and i am totally desperate to get pregnant again, it has been the worst thing i have ever gone through, i agree with the other posts you should def sit down with him and have a talk before you do anything, my oh didn't seem that fazed but he opened up just the other wk, so maybe it did effect your partner and he has not let on, you know wot most men are like. You def need to know where he stands before you get pregnant again.
     
  8. Caterpiller

    Caterpiller Not cooperating

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    A girlfriend of mine is about to give birth to a child that was conceived in this way - she came off birth control and got pregnant, without the knowledge of her partner - not for one moment has he suggested she get rid of the baby, and for the most part has been very supportive.

    However, I have stopped spending time with her, because knowing what I do, I find it hard to look him in the face when he talks about the baby. Remember, that a child doesn't ask to be born, a man should be able to be part of the decision, its not fair to foist a child on him - he will have to support the child financially, and putting that responsibility is not the way to go. While I am sorry for your loss and can understand your need to try again, I think you should ask your boyfriend/partner for his support - its better if you can have his support, rather than going it all alone.

    Sorry I can't condone it, but if you were to get pregnant you know you can always reach out to the ladies here for support, me included.

    All the best
     
  9. Sambatiki

    Sambatiki Finally a Mummy!!

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    Hi hun,

    I am so sorry to hear of you MC. Im definatley not judging at all.... I know how it is to be desperate to be preggers after MC. But you need to think very carefully about tricking BF into becoming a father. I know you say that you are willing to go alone if necessary, but is that fair on the child or you. I know that there are LOADS of single parents that do a fantastic job... but Im sure given the choice they would rather have the support of a loving partner.

    You need to talk about this very seriously with your partner... maybe think about when you can start to TTC again... together with both of you wanting this. You also mentioned that you partner was verbally abusive when he found out you were preggers last time. It doesnt sound to me he's ready to be a father, he might be lovely to other people.... but is he going to be like that again.

    Please really think this through before you carry on.

    I hope that you make the right decision xxx :hug:
     
  10. DragonMummy

    DragonMummy Well-Known Member

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    I'm sorry about your mc but you know what youre doing is wrong, or you wouldn't be asking us not to judge you. I know how hard it is - I have been WTT for 2.5 years and finally got DH to agree to trying for anotehr and I considered not taking my pills but a good partnership is based on trust. How would you feel the other way round, if you were trying for a baby and found out he was taking a male pill? At the end of the day trust is essential in a relationship and breaking that trust will crack the foundations of what you have.

    Talk to him and tell him you are happy to wait but you need a time scale. 3 months 6 months whatever. That will help - it's what I got DH to do eventually as I was getting really distressed every time I got a flat no not yet... when we comprimised and decided t o start trying after the wedding I could relax as we had something to aim for.

    Bext of luck hun. i hope I don't sound harsh but I do believe that a relationship is nothing without trust. xxx
     
  11. Crypto1976

    Crypto1976 Guest

    This is morally and ethically wrong. I am making no apology for saying so. I understand your loss, so dont think I am being unsympathetic to that, however you are frankly not thinking straight.

    I am not going to go on at length because I know that you know this is wrong, otherwise you wouldnt be on here asking for someone to justify your behaviour.

    Its wrong for the prospective baby, its wrong for your boyfriend, and its wrong for you, and you will have to live with this for the rest of your life if you go ahead with it.
     
  12. somedaymama

    somedaymama proud mommy :)

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    Read through this again...no matter how he changed later, or how he treats kittens, this is not a man you want to have a child with. Can you imagine how he'd be if the baby caught him on a bad day?
     
  13. cking

    cking Well-Known Member

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    I think it's better to try and wait till your both ready to ttc, to me his previous reaction shows he's not ready for a baby. Looking after animals and other children etc is different to having a screaming baby in the house that requires attention 24/7.

    I think he would be angry if he found out you were lying to him about being on the pill. Seeing your bump might make him change his mind... but what if it doesnt. It's not fair to trap him by getting pregnant on the sly. It's certainly not fair to him or the baby if you were pregnant. Wouldn't you prefer to concieve and both be thrilled about it rather than feeling weird about it because you lied and have to worry about what your OH will say??

    I would really think about this before you get yourself pregnant again. Make sure it's for the right reasons and when the time is right for BOTH of you.

    Goodluck in whatever path you choose x x x
     
  14. Pixie19

    Pixie19 Mummy to Logan

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    I am so sorry for your loss...
    I completely agree with DragonMummy!
    I think tricking anyone into having a baby they dont want to have is very wrong! And obviously you do too...
    You really need to speak to your BF about this, its a very selfish decision to make, as it involves more people than just you....
    Fair enough your BF's family are caring or whatever, but how do you think they will feel when they find out you tricked their son into having a baby!
    Your Bf is clearly not ready to bring a LIFE into this world just yet, and i think you should respect his desicion. After all he will have to support this baby financially, and if he did leave you when he finds out how will that poor baby feel growing up without a dad!!!
    But thats just my opinion....
     

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