Overbearing mother - i feel trapped

[Mandyblur]

I seem to have found myself in a very awkward situation that is seriously beginning to stress me out.

When i had my daughter my mum and my husband were with me during labour, my mother would not stop touching my belly throughout which made me feel very uncomfortable.

After the birth she decided to stay with us a few days - given i had post natal depression immediately after birth i honestly didn't care that she was there as it was someone to see to my daughter instead of me doing it. (just to add, my daughter scared the life out of me as i swore blind she didn't like me)

Fast forward to now, me and my husband decided it would only be me and him in the delivery room so i can feel more comfortable and hopefully prevent post natal depression. My mum was quite upset that she would miss the birth so we've given her the chore of looking after my other kids whilst i'm in hospital, she seemed ok with that - until she decided she would stay for the week and i said no. Then i got the silent treatment and the whole "find someone else to look after your kids then". My husband is only taking a week off for paternity and we'd like to spend it alone as a family.

To save my mothers feelings, i said she could stay for 2 days and then come back at a later time to stay for a little longer. She's now planned it so as soon as my hubby goes back to work she is here for a full week!

Don't get me wrong i love my mum to bits but i'm finding her difficult to be around, she constantly pokes my belly which hurts when the skin is so stretched, she texts me about 3 times a day asking if i'm ok, which gets very annoying when she wants all the gory details (which i've stopped giving her) and then she moans to my husband that i don't tell her anything - the truth is i don't want her to know, this is mine and my husbands pregnancy not hers.

I'm finding her that overbearing that i'm really not looking forward to coming home with the baby and seeing her here, i just know she's going to try and butt in with everything - but i also know if i don't allow her to be here she would never speak to me again.

I feel so stressed out, i just can't cope with her and at the moment i just want to be left alone so i can enjoy the little pregnancy i have left and then enjoy bonding with my baby - it just doesn't feel like its going to happen

 

[Hope2302]

Doesn't sound good. I do hope you've made a point of telling her how the situation makes you feel. She needs to know when to let you be. It can be hard for moms as they can't seem to realise you are grown and now have a family of yours. I am facing the same thing but my mom just uses her phone to stalk me as she lives in another country.

 

[Conundrum]

I just made a post myself, about dealing with family and how stressed it has me. I am so sorry you are going through this, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. If you need to chat, feel free to PM hun.

 

[lj2245]

She's your Mum and you need to tell her how you feel. Tell her what you want. If she goes in a huff with you because of that, let her. I'm sure she'll soon come round.

She's being really selfish and not thinking about your needs at all and that's not right, but you don't have to tell her that. You just have to tell her what you want and make sure she knows that any alternative is not up for discussion. It might create a bit of tension for a while and for sure she'll sulk but at least you'll have set boundaries and she will know where she stands.

Trust me, letting resentment build up between the two of you is not good. I haven't spoken to my own Mum for 2 years because she only cares about herself. Give your Mum the opportunity to support you in ways you need her to.

 

[_jellybean_]

Do you really think she would never speak to you again? I would have a talk with her. Tell her how you feel about her touching your belly. Tell her how you feel about her being there too soon. Tell her that you still love her, but that you really just need some space. I would start out by telling her how wonderful she is, and then go into the other things.

 

[Dani_Ldn]

She is your Mum & although it may upset her a little to hear it, I am sure that if you explain to her how you are feeling she will calm down & put your feelings before hers. You def need to tell her that her actions are stressing you out, otherwise she is just going to keep acting this way & upsetting you more (which you do not need at the moment!).

 

[qpaulina42]

My mom can be too much at times but I always explain to her how I feel - and am willing to listen to her side of the story too, and we usually work it out. When LO was born mom came to stay with us for two weeks but after just a few days of her there I just couldn't deal with it anymore so I asked her, as kindly as I could, to please go away for a week and come back. She did and it was much better. I realize it may have hurt her feelings but I explained as best I could why I needed my space and I think she loves me enough to want to understand that person that I am and the needs that I have. Anyway, my point I guess is talk to her, tell her how you feel.

 

[nevernormal]

Does she live nearby? Could you have her, instead of stay with you, just come over for the afternoons or something the week after your hubby leaves? Maybe come by and help you get dinner prepared or something.

And next time she pokes your belly, poke hers! Halfway joking here, but I really hate my belly being touched, so I wouldn't put up with repeated poking from anyone!

 

[Mandyblur]

unfortunately my mum lives 50 miles away so she can't just pop in, she's waiting for the baby to come so she can book her week holiday and spend it here.

She's not the easiest person to talk to, last time i told her that i didn't want her to come over she sent me a message saying she was coming whether i liked it or not. She's like this as she can't see her grand kids very often as she works so many hours.

I know if i even mention her not coming that she wont talk to me and moan about me to the rest of my family. I do understand that she doesn't get to see my kids very often but even still there's good timings and bad ones.

Right now i can either talk to her - get the silent treatment and the rest of my family on my case or i can keep my mouth shut and just make it clear that when she comes that i am going to need time alone without her fussing (which i know she wont be able to do)

I'm just so fed up. After the 3 texts off her this morning (waking me up at 7am!!!!!) i have now turned my mobile off and not answering the house phone, i honestly just want to be left alone.

 

[nevernormal]

How about asking her to change her plans to come up one day a week for 5 weeks, instead of staying 5 days in a row? If she needs to spend the night to feel like it's worth the gas money, she could come on a Friday and then leave Saturday, or come Sunday & leave Monday (if you guys don't go to church). You could always spin the angle that she'd be able to get to see baby develop more, etc. over time if she spreads it out.

 

[bassdesire]

This is my MIL exactly. She bought a plane ticket a week before my due date and it was for a MONTH. Without asking!!!!!! We didn't want anyone around for two weeks-no one, so I was less than thrilled. My mom thought she was for sure coming to my second birth. I tried to tell her no. In the end I just called her after baby was born.

I totally relate. She will come around, but it seems like she'll be pissed. You have to do what's best for you guys though.

 

[jasminejo24]

was her mother at her birth? did she want her there or would she have wanted her there? try to ask her that she may start to see how you feel if her mother was the same as she is now?

tell her you have had pnd once and you are just doing what you think will make this less stressful for you and not cause you to get it again.

ask her if she wants you to get pnd? i assume she will say no then tell her she will have to trust how you feel about the situation and that she is welcome to say i told you so if it all goes wrong and that you love her but your sure this is the right thing to do

 

[Penny83]

Families can be a right pain in the bum sometimes can't they!

I completely understand where you are coming from, and I know it's very difficult telling close family members to butt out! I constantly swing between feelings of irritation/annoyance and then guilt because should I involve them more etc! This is with many situations in life, not just the baby!

Christmas and other events are so stressful for me, and I find I'm just spending the whole time trying to please everyone else, and I don't enjoy the time myself.

Some things in life I think you just have to end up upsetting people a bit, and do what you want, because you don't get to repeat it again. Our wedding was one of these, and I really stuck to my guns to have the day as I wanted, but there was some falling out with MIL.

The baby is now bringing some more stresses, as like you MIL wants to be here all the time, and I've tried saying thanks, but no thanks, but it's not sunk in yet. We have however made it very clear to all family about visits at the hospital. I don't want people waiting outside, they need to wait until my husband rings to say they can come in. I realise everyone is desperate to meet him, but so are we, and he is ours after all! Close family will be allowed to visit after the skin to skin time, and after I've had a bath and stuff. This went down ok with the family when we both told them straight (although I could tell she had other ideas).

I think as hard as it is, you just have to be hard, and if it means upsetting her then so be it. It's your special time, and my husband too is also only having a week off work, you don't want all that time spent with people visiting or your mum staying with you, when there will be plenty of time afterwards! Explain it to her straight, and really stick to your guns. She's your mum at the end of the day, so if she gets upset she will get over it!

 

[Mum2BKW]

I agree about sticking to your guns, but I know it's much easier said than done!

If you don't stick up for yourself now, she's never going to take your decisions seriously (hence the "well, I'm coming over anyway" sort of comments she's made in the past).

She's clearly used to being able to walk all over you and I think it's time you stood up for yourself, this problem is never going to go away otherwise. I know it will be hard but you are an adult. YOU get to choose how your first hours/weeks with YOUR new baby are spent.

I'm sorry if that sounds a bit blunt. If you're worried about the rest of your family siding with her, perhaps have a chat yourself with some of them and try to get them to see it from your point of view. Then if your Mum calls them and tries to have a moan you never know - they might stick up for you!

 

[sophie22]

My mum gets a bit like that in the sense that she feels she can lecture me about how to look after my son, she nags and says it in a way that makes me feel like she's telling me off! Saying I need to get him potty trained and in a toddler bed and that I'm doing it all wrong. She's been like it from day 1 and its been very hard, we have fallen out about it many times. Weirdly, she was never ever like this with my sister!! So I dont know why me!

 

[Mandyblur]

Well Oscar is now 9 days old. My mother is here and i am not a happy bunny.

She wont leave him alone - i can't feed him without her face stuck in his, i cant change him i cant do anything! And now she's constantly taking him off me!

I'm very very peed off and stressed out and she just isn't getting the message!

I've got a whole week of this

 

[katsbump]

Be strong, only a few more days! My mom is amping up her crazy about the baby and getting super critical in anticipation of my birth and I know my mil will drive me insane. You'll have a chance to relax in just a few more days.

 

[Mum2BKW]

Tell her to back off - this is YOUR baby. Tell her you want to feed him in peace. Go upstairs and close the door.

I know it will be hard but it sounds like she's being no help at all. These first few weeks are about you and your baby - NOT her.

He's gorgeous by the way - congratulations!

 

[MrsGards]

Can you ask her to pick the other children up from school, or take them out for tea or to the park etc and almost make it sound like she would be doing you such a wonderful favour as you dont want your other kids feeling left out or something. That way you can have at least a few hours away from her? X

 

[MrS. MaBrEy]

the last person who poked my belly got smacked in the face...I'm just saying...even if it were my mother there would be 1 warning to stop poking/touching or a slap is going to happen and the next go I would smack the life out of her. maybe I'm a little harsh though I had to tell my mother that she could not stay at our house after the baby comes...she lives 5000 miles away so needed to plan for a hotel. It stopped her visiting plans all together because she can't afford 3 weeks in a hotel. She is still pushing and angry that I won't let her stay with me but I refuse to back down on this one. No way is she coming in and taking over care of my newborn I can't deal with her BS about my lifestyle, my tattoo's, my husband etc. all on top of having a new baby in the house. Maybe find a friend to keep your children when you give birth a service to use. in all honesty if she is going to show her bum like that and impede on your plans and life maybe she is a little toxic and needs to stay away.