Parents of Onlys

[adzuki]

Hi all!

My Oh and I just made the difficult decision to not have any more kids - there were a number of reasons really, but sadly it just boiled down to him not wanting any more kids period.

I guess I want to know how it is to have an only kid. What are some of the benefits and challenges you have encountered, and I guess solutions too. I am trying to come to grips with our decision, visualize my future with just one, and I always love others' stories because then I don't feel so alone.

Thank you!
A

 

[Tegans Mama]

Hey

It's taken me a while too, but I am finally accepting that it's unlikely we'll ever have another baby.. I have PTSD from Tegan's birth and she has spina bifida so life will be easier for us with just one child. Ivegota run now but I will be back later to talk about it some more as ta been bothering me too!

 

[seoj]

My hubby raised his daughter (after his divorce) pretty much on his own since she was maybe 2yrs old. So he never expected to have more kids... when I came along, she was 9yrs old. So we raised her together. She now has a baby sister... BUT... she was an only child for 14yrs. She's almost 15 now

I feel, that when you chose to raise one child- there are some things you should consider. For instance, when you go on family vacations, maybe allow them to bring a friend along as they won't have a sibling there etc... my SD has always been a very social and outgoing girl. Even at a very young age. Maybe part of this was due to her being an only child- or just WHO she is. LOL. But she feels very comfortable around adults and loves being in on the conversations. She was always allowed to have friends over often- so she had company other than just adults (as her cousins lived in another state) and only had her Dad and Grandparents close (she would see her Mom- but her Mom never had more kids and wasn't exactly a "mom" as much as, well, not really sure?)- regardless, there is nothing wrong with having an only child. I can understand why some people would chose that path... while others wouldn't. You just have to do what feels right for you and your family.

There are benefits you can focus on... like being able to financially afford more for one child. Kids are expensive! LOL. Even in our situation, since there is a 14yr age gap- we'll have plenty of time between college eductions and what not. I don't think we'll have any more either- so really, our first kid was an only child for 14yrs and even though this LO won't technically ever be an "only child"- they won't grow up with their sister close in age, or, even in the same house for a lot of years. She could be pretty young when he older sis moves out or goes off to college...

Maybe all that doesn't make it any easier. As it sounds like this wasn't really your decision... and you never know what the future may bring. But if you focus on here and now... all will be fine hun.

 

[saitiffeh]

My son is only going to be an only child or about 5 more months, but I'd have to say one of the biggest things we've encountered so far is socializing him. He has no other kids at home, so I've learned it is important to get him out to play with other kids. Now that he's in school it's pretty easy but before we went to lots of playgroups and such. So be watchful of that. They need to know how to socialize with other kids.

 

[littlemiss83]

I thought my eldest (7) would be my only, birth was v.traumatic, having a baby was nothing like I thought, got bad depression, put on loads weight, lost friends, moved house ect ect, felt like my life fell apart. I said i'd never do it again, daily life was so stressful

Then when she got to around.....age 5/6 she had nothing "babyish" about her & I realised....thats it!!! Thats it done now, no more baby type things for me, LO is off to start skl & now its time for me to be baby free, but I couldn't handle the idea, after numerous months of trying to convince myself it was a phase i gave in & asked OH about another, he was keen too, life wasn't the same w/out a baby/toddler.

xxxxxx

 

[littlemiss83]

Sorry I forgot to add i think the benefits of only having one are....obvs the price. Birthdays/Christmas/family outings. Both LO's might not get in, in childhood or adult hood (just because you have a sibling doesn't neccessarily mean they will be "friends" when older)

Another benefit, is you wont have to go thro the downside of pregnancy/childbirth...the whole...are they gona be ok, sleepless nights watching baby sleep ect.

I totally respect you for making ur decision. I was an only child until age of 11 & tbh I wished my siblings hadn't been born. I defo didn't think I was short on friends or whatever, but then I duno what it wld have been like so nothing to compare to. I got all my parents attention & loved it.

xxxxxxxxx

 

[frankyzw]

I'm also having one and am at peace with my decision. Besides, I'm near forty and single and really don't want to go through another pregnancy. I also feel I'll do a better job raising an only child.

 

[adzuki]

Thanks guys!

I never thought about the possibility that they would be able to bridge both the adult and the kids world - that they'd learn how to communicate and exist in both from having "friends" in both worlds.

Definitely, I'll keep in mind inviting friends along when camping, etc.

And you are right - even if we had 2, there are no guarantees they'd be friends. I certainly am NOT close to my siblings - we are just too different and have different values.

I am worried about the future though. I know when my dad died, my siblings banded around each other and supported each other and were close for a few years. When my mom goes and we are all "orphans," I'm sure it will happen again. So I feel like I'll be leaving her "family-less" in the future. My husband points out that she may well be married at the time with her own family. I point out that she may not. Sigh. I think I am just annoyed by the decision because it's his, and because I don't respect his reasoning (children are hard work and he doesn't want to do the hard work. He'd have more if I'd be willing do do all the hard work and also work full time, but he would rather not have the extra stress), and consider it selfish.

I also have a fear - what if something happens to her? I have no idea how I'll survive that. None at all. If I had another kid, there would be something to live for IYKWIM. That's just my own selfishness though, lol!

So I am trying to not really think about that, but to focus on the positives. Like the fact that my daughter will be able to travel and see the world, go to university (we are good about saving for that after my struggles with student loans!), and visit her grandparents (my mom is a 5 hour flight away and my OH's family is a 10 hour flight away) because we'll save financially.

UGH. This sucks though. Any hints on how to get used to it?


A

 

[diane60f]

*hugs*i hope U find peace in any decision u ultimately make/come to.
I have a different perspective to bring.
My husband and I at one point were ttc for #2 after a month we decided we were perfectly fine as a family of 3.
We discussed it and honestly, for us anyway, it's perfect.
I was afraid of the "what ifs too" like --what If me and dh died, whO would help DS.. And the fact is, that's what his aunts/uncles, cousins, best friends, gparents are for
If something happened to him, having another living child wouldn't make it ANY easier.
Our time and our money goes to him--and on that note.
My dh makes US$100k a year and (when I return to work ill make 45k US $part time of course) -- so obviously our choice to have one child isn't we lack money, it's bc its what's right for US. I think people w more than one child are happy bc ts what's right for THEIR families.
I would suggest talking to your dh and just be open about why he wants only one child. Maybe he's afraid or something you aren't, maybe he's stressed about the future wih more than one child. Whatever the case may be, I think if u guys took turns and discussed why u feel so strongly about what u both want, you'll find a comfortable medium.

Good luck!
Also, there are some obvious positives about having one child. Without the risk of puttin down members with more than one child down, I wont go there because I'm sure there are benefits they reap that I won't with having only one child. And I'm ok with that

 

[hattiehippo]

We're sticking with 1 although like you I spend forever agonising about it. I worry about Tom being on his own as an adult and neither of our families are big so he only has 4 cousins altogether. Having said that my dad is an only child, as was his mum (which is why my family is so small) and they both have/had happy lifes with friends and partners.

If Tom had come along earlier then we prob would have had more than 1 but it took 3 yrs to have him and I'm 40 this year. I don't want to have children in my 40s and I want to focus on Tom and giving him a good life. I'm not saying you can't do that with more than 1 child but for us 1 is working fine.