Partner sending inappropriate messages

[Kaedin]

No, it's not harsh.

My head has been really messed up for the last few months. I need honesty from people looking at the situation from the outside. And I really appreciate everyones advise and comments.

Makes me realise, it's not me in the wrong. He is. He always turns it to be my fault. And I stupidly start to believe him at times. I need the harsh truth from ladies who have experience and just are happy to offer their support and wisdom

 

[bluejen]

You are going to have to make a tough decision - stay with him and hope he alters his behaviour or move back to your parents and be a single Mum. Neither choice , I'm guessing , is what you truly want.
For me the better option sounds like the stable loving home of your parents. He would never get custody in a million years. Xx

 

[dvc2012]

I was in a relationship like this several years ago. Thankfully, we have no children together. He used to string me along saying he didn't want to be with me and then change his mind and say he loved me and couldn't see himself without me blah blah blah it is all a mind game, in my opinion. He had no intention on staying with me--he just wanted to keep me around until he was sure that it was the right time to break up and that he had a new girlfriend in line beforehand.

From what you are saying, it sounds like he has absolutely no respect for you. OK, he should be allowed to talk to friends, male or female, HOWEVER he should break contact with this woman because of the inappropriateness of the conversations between them. She's single, he's keeping her around, as you said, in case you guys break up. This is not being "just friends" in my opinion. I wouldn't stay with him, personally. I would pack my things up and move back with my parents. Don't let him use custody to scare you into staying. I don't know about the UK, but I don't see the courts granting him full custody. He'll probably get visitation or 50/50 custody.

From my personal experience, I say don't wait for him. He thinks he can do whatever he wants and you'll always be there waiting for him. My ex got a nasty surprise when he tried to go back out with me again and I told him I was seeing someone else (my current SO). He just assumed he was so great that I would be heartbroken forever and wait around until he wanted me again. It doesn't work like that--it's give and take. He respects you, he honors your [reasonable] requests, he shows you love and affection, he's there for you when you need him and you do the same.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong from what I've read and he's using the "jealousy" accusation to belittle you and make you question what you really want in a relationship. You should not have to worry or get upset every time his phone rings or he gets a text message. Focus on you and your LO. Maybe he will come around, maybe not, but you shouldn't wait around for him. Let him come to you if you really want to see if he'll change or move on and find happiness with your LO and someone else. He needs to take care of his drinking problem too. From the sounds of it, he is 100% in denial of having a drinking problem though and he hasn't hit rock bottom yet. He needs to have his world shaken up a bit so he can see how much of an ass and how badly he's screwed up. Maybe then he will change. You can't keep hanging around and waiting for him to change, he never will, trust me.

 

[pinkbump2011]

I've also read your other posts an without the drinking I have been in a very similar situation to you an it is not a nice feeling. As scared as you may feel to not want to start off as a single parent you would have the help and support of family and friends. It's always easier for someone on the outside to say these things I know but it sounds like you aren't getting anything from this relationship at all anymore. Yourself an your unborn baby are your main priority an should be his but he sounds so selfish with no respect for you. X

 

[PandaMao]

Honestly, I have to agree with all the other ladies. You're not being treated with the respect you deserve at all and he's threatening you with a custody battle when you're still together. The relationship is clearly about what he wants as he doesn't care about any of your concerns regarding this woman and his drinking. He just expects to continue along how he wants and you'll be there waiting for him. That is not the kind of environment you or your LO need to be in at all. Staying with him when he clearly has no intention of making changes is basically just saying it's ok. You don't like it, but putting up with it lets him know he can keep doing it with no consequences. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time and I hope everything works out for you and LO.

 

[baileybubs]

I agree too Hun, I've been in a similar relationship with my ex-husband and it's so hard to make that decision but even harder for yourself as you are pregnant (I didn't have children with my ex). But as others have said what are you getting out of the relationship? And what will your unborn daughter get from seeing how he treats you? That's kind of behaviour is out of order, just drinking the whole bottle of JD alone is ridiculous when he has a pregnant girlfriend he should be taking care of! Let alone the texts, and the fact that he has no remorse shows that he doesn't love you I'm afraid. By the sounds of his actions he will end up cheating on you, and what a lot of people forget is that cheaters aren't careful when they are "with" someone else, I unfortunately was given STDs by my wonderful ex who cheated and am just lucky it didn't effect me permanany. Again sorry to sound so harsh and don't want to be scaremongering but this is all a possibility and you have your baby to think of now too. If he's willing to drink that much on his own, when he has his pregnant girlfriend in the house, who's to say he won't drink like that around your baby.

I'd go and stay with your parents and as your mum is a social worker ask her advice on how to approach custody issues. I'm sure there's very little chance he would get custody Hun, especially with the support of your parents behind you.

 

[Buggzxxx]

I would give him a short, sharp, shock. I would pack up my things and leave. If this man loves you, he will beg you not to go. If that isnt the case then you deserve to be in a relationship that you are loved so move on. Once you take the power away from this man he wont like it one bit!

Its an incredibly difficult decision right now but if you do decide to go you will look back one day when you have a partner that adores you and LO and realise it was one of the best decisions you ever made x

 

[kate1984]

i personally would get him out before the baby arrives. Get a residency order through the courts if you can.

 

[BabyMamma93]

ill be honest, a while ago, when going through a tough time in our relationship (still no excuse) i did some inappropriate things, texted people i shouldn't have, and loved the attention i was receiving else where as i felt i wasn't getting it from my OH. i totally regret the person i was, i didn't do it just the once.. the first time i apologized, deleted his number, never spoke to him again swore i wouldn't do it again, he said some things about us that never happened and of corse my OH believed it, anyway i did it again with a different guy and again when he found out i deleted his number and from fb, swore i wouldn't do it again. after that he didn't trust me which i totally understand i wouldn't him either, my selfishness even had me paranoid he was going to do the same to me, he did send some flirty messages and of corse i was annoyed and upset, he said to me 'you did it, how do u think i feel' but my point was if he wanted to do anything and wasn't happy with me he shouldn't have taken me back.
anyway i don't know where this post is going just thought id share my story. flirting and appropriate texting IS a form of cheating, id of totally understood if my OH left me, but he didn't and now we are stronger than ever, expecting a baby and nothing could be better. again i don't think this post has gone anywhere for you, nor do i know if it helps, just know people make mistakes and its up to u how u deal with them, my OH took me back time after time and now years later i still remember the hurt in his eyes and face when we argued about it, when he wanted me to leave but then stopped me or asked me to come back, i could still literally cry for the things i did to him but it can work out in the end, i wouldnt dream of doing the things i did only a couple of years ago. but i had alot of making up to do, im not telling you that you should stay with him and forgive him, everyones different, just letting u know it can still work if you really want it to x

 

[AP]

He also turned around and said that if he broke up he would get custody of our little girl as he's got a job and a house (we rent out home! using both of our money, including money I earn from my job that I go to 42 hours a week!!)

Well thats a load of crap - you would as a mother. Thats just how it works in most cases.

Now he is texting the girl he was sending messages to, each time his phone goes my heart sinks and i feel heartbroken (as im worrying what they are talking about, and thinking they may say something inappropriate to each other)

What? This is insane. So regardless, he continues to hurt you?

If he truly cared, he would stop this nonsense and admit he was wrong. It's so disrespectful for him to act like this to you and he's also threatening you with custody to scare you away from confronting him. That's your child too, not just his, he needs to grow up and stop using scare tactics to keep you at a distance while he and his little texting buddy chat.

This. He is continuing because he knows you won't let him go and right now you are letting him away with this behaviour. If he loved you why would he want you to be so upset. Surely you are priority and this lass would be dropped like a hot potato in favour of the person he loves?

What will happen when the baby is born? Will he sit and continue his drinking habits? Will he sit and chat mindlessly and flirty(because that exactly what the first message was, and bang out of order, enough to chuck him to be fair)
All whilst you are up all night with the baby and tired. Not a good mixture.

Massive hugs I've been in similar shoes, and worked it out - but is a life of distrust worth it? Sometimes even I wonder.

 

[caitlenc]

My ex-husband was an alcoholic. We did not have any children, but I will say this: When I left him, I saved his life. He continued to relapse until we got divorced and he realized how much the alcohol was ruining his life. You can not stay with this man. He exhibits addictive and emotionally abusive behaviors. You need to get yourself and your baby out of there. And, as for custody, no court is going to award custody to an alcoholic father over a stable mother. Give him the shock of his life: Pack a bag, and get the hell out of there! I have no doubt that you deserve better, and I know for a fact your daughter definitely does.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but the way I see it, you have no other option. It will be hard at first, but in the end you will not regret it.

 

[Bex84]

I think you have to think of your baby here. Once you have a baby and you are both tiered, your hormonal and you are stressed things wont get better. He sounds awful and to threaten to get custody is awful. Its like he is just waiting for another offer. I would leave before he has a chance to decide, you don't need someone whose going to drink around a newborn baby. Ok so yes you have done things you regret, but if he has decided to stay with you he cant see it as an excuse to do this just before you have his baby.

 

[messica]

He's an alcoholic.

He's emotionally abusing you.

He's cheating (guaranteed there's far more than just the bit you've managed to stumble upon recently if he's being so brazen about his behavior).

You're pregnant and he's shown no care for your feelings or wellbeing.

He's told you he doesn't love you.

He's threatening to take your baby away.


Get out now. Like, TODAY. If I were you I'd wait until he left the house to pack without discussing it further. If you do feel the need to tell him please please make sure you aren't alone when you do. Contact your parents and move immediately.

I wouldn't spend another single night in the same house with a man (word used loosely) like that.


Despite what he says he will not change. Ever.

 

[2have4kids]

I think Messica (and many other ladies here) hit it on the head. I hope you can make a decision that protects you, your child, and your unborn. You are worthy of a loving man, you are worthy of a safe environment free of threats and emotional abuse. I hope you realise this. Do not pack your things while he's around, or let him know you're leaving. Make your move fast if you decide to do so and when he's not around. You've already endured enough, you don't need a blow out with the potential to be physically harmed to deal with while you're carrying or with a child around.
Seek legal council if you haven't already. I'm sending you massive

 

[Mummymoo_x]

So sorry your going through this, hope you can sort it and put it behind you before baby comes xx

 

[callypygous]

All these ladies are right. If you can't do it for yourself, do it at least for your little one.

You deserve so much better. He's emotionally abusing you.

Go and live with your parents who will support you and give you the love you deserve. The rest will work itself out with time.

Get yourself away from that man. He's poisonous.

Writing from experience of a poisonous emotionally abusive ex - who almost killed me when pissed before I had the sense to move away. He messed me up so much I moved to another city just so I would never have to see him again.

Be strong. You can do this.