People holding baby constantly during visits?

[Rachel89]

Hi everyone!


I have not had baby yet, but I was wondering what you ladies thought about this.


I am not comfortable for people, maybe I should not say people since all the people I know do not do this, but some particular ones, like mil and my aunt.


They insist on holding LO (DS1) constantly, and almost like I cannot. And will literally grab LO out of my hands and even when LO starts crying will not give LO back. (My main issue is we might be seeing MIL every day, if it was a temporary thing it is different, they live down the street).


Because,of this I am a bit paranoid for when this baby will be born especially since I want a lot of skin to skin time during newborn time and my own bonding time and establishing breastfeeding.

Also MIL is a chain smoker which is a whole other issue, and does not think it should be a requirement to change clothes and wash hands every time before holding baby.

Just do not know how to handle it. And was wondering what was considered normal. Also I do not have a problem at all with people holding baby, just the ones that wants to do this constantly/long periods of time and every day.

 

[Lizzybee]

You mil is a chain smoker, what does your OH think about it? Will you get support!
Does she smoke in your house! Can you search for information that shows how she can harn LO? Then bombard her with it! Did the novelty wear off with ds1? Or is she obsessed like my mil, and dd1 is now 18 years???
I had to take the offensive, and be just as bold and aggressive as she was. Then she saw that I was mum and I was in charge. Now she asks if she can do stuff with DS rather than just doing it. I basically reminded her she was grandma not surrogate mum! We get on better now.
I am totally with you on the smoking thing, luckily for me no one smokes in my family!!! He has been touched by people in the street with cig stained figures. I wipe him quickly after!!! It might sound off, but I don't like it, it smells! But, they touch him before I can get the words out of my mouth!

 

[bdb84]

The only part that bothers me is that your MIL is a chain smoker and that smell lingers on her clothes and skin. I would make it a point that she at least washes her hands before holding the baby. However, I also make it a point that everyone washes their hands before holding my newborns, so she shouldn't feel targeted.

As for holding her constantly- that's only because they love her. I was incredibly jealous when my MIL would constantly hold my first born, but I learned that it fades as the baby gets older, and it's not quite so intense with each new baby. I spent way too much time getting frustrated with my MIL when my first was an infant instead of just appreciating that she loved him to the moon.

The good thing about nursing a newbie is that they eat constantly so it will be easy to say "time to nurse!"

 

[Cattia]

I would also worry about the smoking thing. I don't let my friends who smoke hold my LO if they have been smoking in the past hour. I was a bit worried they would be offended but I feel it's important to be assertive when it comes to your baby's safety. I would maybe say that the midwife told you that nobody who has been smoking should hold your LO. My midwife made a big point about this so it wouldn't be a lie.

 

[Rachel89]

The only part that bothers me is that your MIL is a chain smoker and that smell lingers on her clothes and skin. I would make it a point that she at least washes her hands before holding the baby. However, I also make it a point that everyone washes their hands before holding my newborns, so she shouldn't feel targeted.

As for holding her constantly- that's only because they love her. I was incredibly jealous when my MIL would constantly hold my first born, but I learned that it fades as the baby gets older, and it's not quite so intense with each new baby. I spent way too much time getting frustrated with my MIL when my first was an infant instead of just appreciating that she loved him to the moon.

The good thing about nursing a newbie is that they eat constantly so it will be easy to say "time to nurse!"

Thank you for your support! I am glad you guys understand about the smoking, everyone around me acts as if it is no big deal and what all the fuss is about. Let alone if I start talking about 2nd and 3rd hand smoking, they look at me as if I am nuts.

The thing is with the holding, most people don't have to see their MIL almost every day or have them live down the street. It this was 1x a week or so I'd be much more okay with it. I just don't want her to be getting in the way of my bonding time with LO especially not the first month/while establishing breastfeeding.

 

[Rachel89]

I would also worry about the smoking thing. I don't let my friends who smoke hold my LO if they have been smoking in the past hour. I was a bit worried they would be offended but I feel it's important to be assertive when it comes to your baby's safety. I would maybe say that the midwife told you that nobody who has been smoking should hold your LO. My midwife made a big point about this so it wouldn't be a lie.

Thank you so much! I think the no smoking for an hour prior to seeing LO will be a very hard one for her, maybe even harder than me asking her to change her clothes every time. I just hope she will be honest about it and comply. I just want what is best for LO. MIL and FIL were both chain smokers, now just MIL. FIL stopped after having a heart attack 3 years ago and having to have major surgery for 4 blocked arteries. And even so MIL has not cut down the smoking, poor FIL.

As a result of their smoking my DH has severe asthma, my mom was also a smoker and I also have asthma but my mom thankfully wasn't a chain smoker and never smoked in the house so I got lucky enough.

 

[lisaalove]

Have you thought of making people wait to see baby? Like the first week (or weeks) no visitors or very limited. That way you get your bonding time and skin to skin time.

 

[Palladium]

Exposure to cigarette smoke is a risk factor for SIDS, and I was specifically told by a midwife that the residue in a heavy smokers clothes is enough to affect a baby and increase their risk, so maybe try telling her that and get your OH to back you up.

Can you try restricting her to only visiting during certain times, at least for a few weeks? Say only for 1-2 hours in the morning or whenever suits you? Tell your OH how you feel and make sure he's onboard, that should make it easier.

 

[calm]

My MIL no longer smokes, but she also lives very nearby and drove me batty always holding my babies and trying to take over. I would put your limits early to how much holding is okay for you, people will have to adapt even if their feathers are ruffled at first X

 

[ElizabethK_]

To my opinion, you should be the one deciding who baby goes to. If you feel baby needs you then you are the one who should be holding LO.

Also about your MIL. As others have said, the fact the she smokes and feels she shouldn't AT LEAST wash her hands before holding the baby is unacceptable.

Make things clear of what you want beforehand and inform them you would like your baby to remain healthy and not be subjected to second hand smoke.

 

[hanni]

You just need to be firm. Don't let anyone take your baby off you. I found the best way to do this is to offer a hold straight away and then take the baby back off them once you feel it's been enough. That way you're in control. A bum change is always a good excuse.

We don't have smokers in our family but I'm totally OCD about hand hygiene. I keep a bottle of hand sanitising gel on the side table and point it out everytime people want a hold. I also make sure I use it often in front of them so they don't just think I'm calling them dirty and they know it's nothing personal. Some people are shocked at first but I just state cheerily that we don't want any poorly babies.

Also it sounds really silly but I find the best way to tell someone to do something/not to do something is to talk as if I was the baby. For example "he says I'd love a cuddle granny but you need to wash your hands first/all that smoke is bad for my little lungs" or talk to the baby. "Time for mummy to change your bum?" No one can take offence to a baby.

 

[mummyruston]

Baby wear. Get a wrap and hold baby that way and say you are encouraging breastfeeding bond / latch etc.

Secondly my own mum is a huge smoker - vile! Has a massive row with her when DD born as she said refused to go outside her own home if we visited to smoke and it causes no harm. As you can imagine I wasn't happy and gave her an ultimatum and said she wouldn't see grand child that simple.

My dd is now 3.5 and we rarely see her because she doesn't understand the smoking issue at all - not to mention she has a huge naughty husky who jumps up and is very jealous.

I remember when DD was born my mum coming in to the hosp stinking of cigarettes. I was ashamed. It was vile and didn't allow her or mil ( who doesn't smoke) Hold baby as I said she'd just got to sleep and they couldn't wake her.

This time I'm
Not sure I'll see my mum so soon, but will see mil but will be doing lots of skin to skin and nursing and that will act as a big reason to restrict others inc mil holding baby.

 

[Rachel89]

Thank you everyone. I think what I am dreading the most is the outcome of the confrontation. Last time I had a whole issue with MIL, she wanted to come around and stay all day and we told her 1 hour a day max. And then she blatantly REFUSED to come, and went around telling everyone how I was 'scheduling' her in order to be able to see her grandchild.


Who is going to come around and hang all day when someone just gave birth 3 days ago? Not even so, especially since she knows our bond isn't good. And she is the only one I allowed daily visits, I really love my privacy and to have someone over every day for me is not easy. So yeah, I am dreading how it will go down, and do not want the stress to ruin my time with baby during a time where it is supposed to be a precious one.

I will be talking to DH who hates confrontation (I don't like it, but I will do it, but he avoids it at all costs). I think we should talk to her before birth about all of this. Thank you lovely ladies for giving me support and wonderful advise.

 

[sethsmummy]

do they all use facebook at all hun? Before ds3 came alone (and ds2 but i wasnt as strict then) I posted a big post on facebook.

Ok Ladies and Gents... since there's only a couple weeks left to go I'm going to put it out there about Flumps birth since both sets of parents have been told whats happening.
We are not telling anyone (bar parents/Niky) the date of my section. Since John wont be with me NOBODY will find out when baby is born until he has been informed and there will be no pictures until he has seen baby. The only people who will be informed once John knows are our parents and that is it. There will be NOTHING posted to facebook until i am out of the hospital when john and I will let you all know that flumps here
If John and the boys manage to get into the hospital to meet baby then were still not allowing anyone in until my parents have been in to meet them. If he cant for some reason then nobody will be allowed in...as obviously John should be the first to meet his child.
Once we are home visiting is out of bounds for the first couple days and Parents/siblings only after that, same as when we had Ethan... Seth and Ethan need time to adjust to a new baby and I need some recoup time. This is going to be a huge change for Seth and we need to help him manage as much as possible especially with it being so close to after Christmas happening. The second weekend anybody can visit but please find out from us first if anyone else has arranged to visit.
So please do not offended if you do not find out for a couple days that flump was born or if you can't visit. But obviously John and the boys come first and then parents and then everyone else
Oh and obviously if you or anyone in the household is ill then theres no visiting please until your better. Newborn and bugs do not mix well.

I honestly think offending people comes with the territory of being a parent. Our little boy almost died at 12 days and we had to be sent to a hospital 2 hours away from home. i had some rather big rows with my parents during this time because i said nobody could hold him until his dad had been up and held him and a few other things. BUT these are our babies and people need to realise that.

if someone goes to snatch baby out of your arms turn yourself away. if someone wont give you baby back then simply go and take them after the 1st time of asking. I agree with you on the smoking too. ive never liked people smoking around my children because i dont smoke myself. If i goto their house then i have no say obvously but if they come to my house its my rules xx

 

[coz]

All i can say is i completely understand how you feel when it comes to your mil my mother in law and father in law also are a chain smokers and stink of fags and also dont wash there hands when they hols baby. This is our second baby and the thought of them holding baby really freaked me out at first but tbh ive just got used to it now, it makes me feel so bad i have to bath and change his clothes right after theyv gone. We dont have smoking in our flat and when we go to theres we asked them if they could not smoke around baby and they seemed ok with that but i wont be visiting as often x

 

[sethsmummy]

All i can say is i completely understand how you feel when it comes to your mil my mother in law and father in law also are a chain smokers and stink of fags and also dont wash there hands when they hols baby. This is our second baby and the thought of them holding baby really freaked me out at first but tbh ive just got used to it now, it makes me feel so bad i have to bath and change his clothes right after theyv gone. We dont have smoking in our flat and when we go to theres we asked them if they could not smoke around baby and they seemed ok with that but i wont be visiting as often x

i have to do the very same after visiting my neighbours. they smoke and one smokes cigars. you can literally be in there ten minutes and you stink to high heaven when you come out xx

 

[MrsKChicago]

I agree it's best to set boundaries now. Don't let her visit every day! You need that time to recover and bond. Who cares if she's offended? You and your baby are more important. Let her gossip, anyone with any sense will realize she's the unreasonable one. Start as you mean to go on. And really push the smoking issue. She needs to at least wash up and change her shirt. If she gives you any crap about it, tell her it's up to her to decide whether she loves cigarettes or the baby more, but the science is clear, and you're not risking the baby's life and health to humor her.

 

[MindUtopia]

No one who smokes would hold my child. That's just the rule. We don't even have any friends who smoke for that reason and I've literally gotten up and taken my daughter and left if we've been at family member's homes and they wanted to smoke. Your house, you make the rules. Get your partner to support you. Otherwise, wear baby in a wrap whenever they come over, so they literally can't get their hands on him/her. Really though, you set the rules. I wouldn't be bothered who was offended.