Hello.
So I'm not particularly religious specifically, but I can TOTALLY 100 percent relate to what you're saying. It was a matter of "meant to be" to me, so same basic idea.
Before I ever tried to get pregnant I had opinions like, "we'd just stop preventing and whatever happens is what happens". I actually wasn't even someone who wanted kids my whole life, and I thought i'd be fine with never having them.
About a year into TTC, I realized I was wrong. We had been married for ten years, and I was ready. I wanted to be a mother. But I struggled with wondering the same thing... perhaps it just wasn't meant to be. (and wondering if my husband ever thought that... which it turns out, he didn't)
It was a long time before I even called an RE. Just SCHEDULING my first appointment was very... VERY emotional for me. I was unsure if I even wanted to go. I didn't want to do anything QUOTE "drastic". I hesitated about the meds I was convinced they'd want to give me. The list goes on.
I'm SO glad I went.
I won't lie. There was so... much. It was an overwhelming appointment. (in MANY MANY ways). And that feeling didn't go away after one appointment. But I found myself just taking one step at a time.
In my case, step one... progesterone. Okay. After some research, I was okay with that med. And it seemed like such a tiny intervention, taking it felt less like a big deal than I expected.
It took a few tries to find an RE office that I felt listened and worked with me. There were medications I wasn't ready or willing to try yet. I wanted to do things the slow way. We'd been trying three years at this point... didn't seem like a big deal to wait a few more months. And they were more than happy to work with me and take MY opinions and plans into consideration.
Ultimately... everything was my decision. One step at a time.
Did that feeling go away? No. It really didn't. Every time I didn't get pregnant, I would think, maybe this is just a message from the world that I should stop trying. But something kept me going. And every time there was something new to try (I ended up getting pregnant with an unmediated IUI cycle) I would break down, think it was "too much", maybe my body just knew what it was doing...etc. There were plenty of unwanted children, why didn't we just adopt??
I was CONSTANTLY emotionally unsure I was doing the right thing.
Until..... I got pregnant.
Now... I don't wonder at all. I'm 8+ months pregnant and there is simply no doubt in the world that this Little Minion is meant to be.
And I am willing to bet that if you've put this much thought into it, you'll be a wonderful mom and I bet He thinks so too. (think about how many people in this world put little to no thought into bringing life into the world. I'd much rather have people put MORE thought and effort than less)
In a way, I was taking care of my child years before we even conceived him. And it's led us to appreciate this pregnancy more than I believe most people do.
For me, fertility treatments were just a part of my journey of becoming a mother.
I feel your concern, your stress. I really do. So i thought I'd share my story. I had the same doubts, the same worries.
And now... there is nothing that could make me question whether it was the right thing to do. It was one of the best things I've ever done and it's something I'm quite proud of myself for. I worked very hard for this, and it's a gift I'm grateful for every single day.
So hugs to you and good luck at your appointment, no matter what you do.
