Please help! Family/life plan decisions 3 or 4 kids?

[hello_kitty]

Hi ladies, this thread is not really related to my current pregnancy but more about my aspiring career/family plans that I really need help deciding on. I know its between my husband and I to make decisions but I am seriously debating on whether I should stop at 3 kids or still go for a 4th. Hope that you ladies to shed some light and share your opinions once you have read some background info. Its all I've been thinking about all morning and its driving me crazy! Thanks!

When my husband and I got married, we agreed to start making babies when I turn 24. Well, our plan went into effect earlier than we expected and I gave birth to my first son at 22. Now at 24, I am getting ready to welcome our second child, another boy. Prior to having my son, I was taking some college classes. At first my goal was earn a bachelors in science so I can go to pharmacy school. I put my plans on hold after having my son so I could take care of him, and since we already have 1 we planned on having all our babies back to back before I go back to school.

We planned on having 4 kids total, ideally 2 boys and 2 girls (I know its wishful thinking, but hey at least there's a 50/50 chance). All along, dh has been ok with that.

I have a friend who is 2 years my senior who just finished pharmacy school a few weeks ago and ended up having a conversation with my husband. I told him I felt like my life was going no where and at this point I dont know if I can achieve my goals. My husband said a pharmacy degree is not that great anymore because since there are so many graduates, the job in that field is sinking. I jokingly told him that maybe I should switch majors since I didnt like pharmacy in the first place anyways. After further discussion with his encouragement I decided that I would switch to psychology.

I took some classes on pyschology to fulfill my general ed requirements and I was pretty interested in the field. We came up with a plan that after my lo is born I would go back to school next winter and try to finish up as many classes as I could before the birth of our 3rd child...BUT dh is now opposed to having a 4th. He said that if we are blessed with a girl next, he would like to stop at 3 so that I can get back on track with my education. I know that he means well, but we always wanted 4 and now that we are down to 3, I feel like I am losing my 4th child.

I still need to attend graduate school, so I know that is a reasonable plan to stop at 3 with the exception that our third will be another boy. If that were the case we would try for our last and final baby and regardless of gender we will be stopping at 4.

I asked him whats the difference between 3 and 4, and he said "well, since you are on a time crunch to finish your degree, it matters a lot. Each baby will delay your plans by almost 2 years. If you were to stop at 3 you would only be 26, whereas number 4 you would be 28".

The reason I wanted 4 kids in the first place is because I have been influenced by my family. My 2 sisters both have 2 boys and 2 girls and when I look at their brood I just think "awww thats so perfect". So ladies, I know I will get judged for saying this, but I only want 4 kids total because I am hoping I end up with 2 boys and 2 girls. If I were to adamantly go with 4 kids and were to end up having boy, boy, girl, boy, I am pretty sure I would regret my decision to have a fourth and be like "why did I do that?" I mean I would love my 4th child no less, I just wanted 2 of each gender so they can grow up together and the boys can do boy things and the girls can do each others nails, hair, etc.

My husband said this is not a perfect world and most of the time I wont end up with what I want, I know that, but do you think it makes sense to want a 4th? If you were in my shoes would you stop at 3, considering you get your girl (if you care about gender) or would you try to squeeze in a 4th? My husband and I want a third no questions asked because we feel like our life is incomplete without a little girl, and possibly a 4th if we get 3 boys in a row. I just dont know if I should settle on 3 or 4.

I just imagine having a little girl that will grow up without a sister and she'll be lonely. Thats the reason why I wanted 2 of each gender, not for myself really but for my children's sake.

Hoping I could get some opinion on this matter so I can finally come up with final decision and go on with life. Thanks ladies!

P.S I am firm on not havign anymore babies after I finish school, my oldest will be 10 second will be 8 they will be in school by then I just want to go out and make some money and enjoy life. So its either now or never if I want to go with a 4th.

 

[shinona]

I think you should make your decision based on the number of children you want in total and not out dated gender stereotypes. You could have two girls who only want to play sports and hate all the "girly" stuff or you could have one who loves it one who hates it. What I'm saying is you'll never know what your kids are going to be in to or who they will get on best with in their family. Think carefully about how you imagine your family in the future...would there be someone missing with only 3 kids? If so, go for 4. No need to make the decision just now anyway. Things change. We were set on only two til 5 months ago and here I am pregnant with #3.

 

[DocMcStuffins]

There's no guarantees that even having a fourth would get you a girl though. You could end up with 4 boys. X

 

[hello_kitty]

There's no guarantees that even having a fourth would get you a girl though. You could end up with 4 boys. X

I understand this, nothing is for certain but even if we ended up with a 4th boy at least we tried. I know gender is not important nowadays, but I always adore girls. Boys are great, and I love my boys with all my heart but I always pictured my family with at least one girl someday. I've always knew that I wanted a girl someday ever since I was in high school. I would be devastated if I didnt have my girl, but 4 is our absolute max if we end up with all 4 boys, well then its all in God's plan and I'd just have to live with it.

I think I will just take it one day at a time. Who knows, after this one is born I might feel like I cant handle anymore than 3 lol. Although my husband is not dead set on 3, he's trying to persuade me to change my mind and just have 3 since its going to be on my time. Its not gonan really affect him since hes done with school and everything.

 

[lauraemily17]

I'd wait until you have your third and then see how you feel.

I'm having my second boy when I always always saw myself with 2 girls! Honestly it crosses my mind all the time to try for a third and hope it's a girl but there are many many reasons why that would be a bad idea for us based on our future plans now. Plus dealing with the gender disappointment again & the guilt that comes with that terrifies me. (You know your chances of having a boy increase by 6% if you have 2 already! )

I see it that I'm lucky to be blessed with 2 children, especially after TTC difficulties and our family was obviously meant to be all boys.

 

[Mrsturner]

In my opinion, I would see whether you have a girl next time and base your decision on that.
You are still really young and could do your degree at any time. There's no reason why you can't have 4 babies and still get your career going while in your 30's.
Personally, I wouldn't want an odd number of children. I am one of 6 children, but my mum had 3 babies in her first marriage then a big gap and had me and my 2 other siblings during her second marriage and there were always 2 of us ganging up on the other one during arguments and playing games. It was a nightmare. But that's just my person experience and opinion, obviously x

 

[hello_kitty]

Regardless of gender we kinda decided we wanted a minimum of 3 so even if this bump were a girl we'd still want a 3rd. Yea the future is still too far ahead I guess I'll make my decision when I have my 3rd baby...but I'm starting to settle with the fact that we might just have 3 though

 

[moter98]

Don't base the amount of kids you have on gender. I am expecting my third boy and have always wanted a girl. It doesn't mean we will have another just to try for a girl though. We will have another only if we want another child, regardless of gender. I think that you are still very young yet and no reason to have all of this decided now. Maybe you can start up classes online now and get a head start. You can have kids and go to school too, lots of moms do it plus work! I say don't let having kids hold you back from your dreams, you can do both. And most college campuses have daycare.

 

[Hoping4Four]

I've always wanted 4 kids and when I was younger I imagined having two girls and two boys. Obviously once I actually had my children I was fully aware I probably wouldn't get that, but still wanted 4 kids.

I really wanted a boy last time (after two girls) and was lucky enough to get him, and this time I honestly have no preference. It would be lovely to give my son a brother but I also know how wonderful little girls are and would be just as happy with a third daughter. My second daughter and my son are the best of friends, just like I am with my own brother, so I believe gender doesn't actually matter. It's all about the kids' personalities.

If you'd feel incomplete at 3, go for number 4, but you've got a while to decide yet. I didn't feel complete after my third but my husband did. I had to do a lot of convincing to get him to agree to one more! I wanted to get all my baby-rearing days done in one go before I focused on a career.. I didn't want huge gaps between any of my kids. This will be the biggest gap between any of them and it'll only be 3 years and 10 months.

 

[hello_kitty]

I think I am just going to wait and have my third and decide. My goal is to finish everything before I turn 32 and thats only if I have 3 kids, having 4 kids will extend it to 34. I dont know why, but I just feel like I age wise I am past my prime of being a college student. Maybe its because most of my friends that I graduated high school with have gone the traditional route, went to college and got their degree whereas I am still working towards my bachelors.

My husband pointed out if I waited too long to go back to school, I might lose the willpower because of my age, and he's not wrong about that. I know a lot of people who go to school that are much older than me, but its just my personal feeling. I guess I could squeeze in a 4th and not delay my plans too much if I got pregnant with the 4th almost immediately right after the 3rd...oh man so much decision. You ladies are right, I should wait to decide then. Hardest part is although my husband is trying to sway me away from having a 4th he is not firm about it which means it is totally up to me.

 

[Spiffynoodles]

Someone on this forum once said, 20 years from now you will NEVER regret the children you have, but you may always regrets the ones you wish you had, but didn't. I'd say, if you want 4, go for it. Don't let something fleeting like a degree stop you from having the family you want.

 

[hello_kitty]

I just did the one thing that I wish I hadnt done...I asked for my mom's opinion (opps). She ended up looking down on us because my husband although has a degree he still hasnt found a job in his field yet...he is currently working at a restaurant. We are making things meet but my mom was like "wouldnt you be embarrassed if your friends found out that your husband works at a restaurant? Go tell him to find a decent job". Not like he doesnt want to, but its just hard finding a job in his area of work nowadays.

As for me, she told me I should stop after this one and go back to school and study vigorously and after I graduate I can always have more. Thats what I am trying to avoid! I want to have all my kids first and then go back to school and after I earn a degree I just want to work. Its going to be hard at first but at the end its going to pay off because hopefully I'll have a stable job and all my kids would be older. I do not want to have to deal with newborns again once I graduate school. My mom just doesnt understand that. Instead of giving us positive feedback she tells us to go the opposite route that we originally planned. She keeps comparing me with the friend that just graduated and was like "see? Now she's got everything a career and making big bucks whereas you havent even accomplished yet".

Because of her looking down on us, makes me want to get a degree and find a job even more. I did some calculations and if I were to stop at 3 I'd be done with everything by the time I am 31, if I stop at 4 its gonna be 33, so a 2 year difference. My husband told me not to stress too much and everything will work itself out whether we have 3 or 4.

 

[SRTBaby]

You could have your 4th after you are done school and having a career. I have to agree with your hubby. I finished my graduate level classes and was left with Thesis when we started planning to have kids, I was so distracted and after my son was born I still can't get back to it, that was 6 years ago and all I am left to graduate is the one paper. I think about it everyday.

 

[heidi87814]

I want to have all my kids first and then go back to school and after I earn a degree I just want to work.

I think you made your decision, hon.

I did some calculations and if I were to stop at 3 I'd be done with everything by the time I am 31, if I stop at 4 its gonna be 33, so a 2 year difference.

Our generation's going to live to be pretty old. Whether it's 31 or 33 that you're done with everything, that's still incredibly young. Like your husband said, I don't think you should stress too much. You know what you want so if you're determined enough to get your degree and have a family, you'll do it. Don't worry so much about what age you'll be.

Didn't John Lennon once say "Life's what happens when we're busy making other plans"? ;-)

 

[pineapple91]

In my opinion which should mean nothing in making such a big decision but here it is, because you have aready thought of having 4 if yiu stop at 3 you will never feel satisfied you will always think what if,at least I would. GL with what ever you decide

 

[hello_kitty]

I've heard of people saying that once your family is complete your baby making machine will automatically shut down and you won't feel like having anymore but if it's not then there will still be that yearning pull for another one. I hope that's true. I'll just see how I feel after number 3.

The number of kids I want is more for my children's benefit really. In all honesty I don't mind stopping at 3 but I've read real life stories where two of them gang up on the either or the oldest 2 would play together and 3rd would be left out. I'm thinking ahead of myself but I don't want my third to be the odd man out.

I would love to hear stories of families with 3 children that grew up peacefully but unfortunately haven't ran across that yet. So pretty much I'm just thinking based on the mindset of my future third child and having trouble deciding if I should give him/her a younger sibling.

 

[UnderPressure]

I had plenty of friends that grew up in families with three kids that got along... My husband is also one of three. Frankly you could have three older siblings gang up on the fourth and have the same issue. I know a lot of people who are happy with two sets of two also, with an age gap in the middle. You could have this baby, finish your bachelors, have two more, do grad school, and then join the workforce. Who knows... A lot can change in the next four years. I'd tackle this baby you're baking, then number three, and see how you feel. You don't have forever, but you have time....

 

[squirrel.]

I'm the youngest of three and the only girl in my family as well. I loved my childhood and we all had different friendships with one another. We had the usual arguments siblings have, but there was no consistent ganging up. On the other hand I know a family of four where the oldest was completely ganged up on by the younger three and now doesn't speak to her siblings. Number if children will not guarantee a peaceful harmonious childhood. It's the way you raise them and the values that you instil in them that will make the difference.

As for 3 versus 4, you are the only one who will know what's right for you. I agree with the others, wait and see how you feel after three. Reevaluate when you get there, you may find your situation or your priorities have changed.

Being one of three, I always dreamed of three kids. It was how I saw my future. My husband however, only wanted two. It took me years, but I managed to persuade him to have three. What really did it was him comparing his cold relationship with his only sibling, his brother, to the warm close friendship I have with my brothers. If he hadn't have agreed, I would have always felt like I was missing one of my children. You really need to think if you would always miss that fourth child if you never had them.

 

[lauraemily17]

I think they key to siblings getting on is in the way you parent them. My mum has always told me not to just expect siblings to get on, if they are have very different personalities it may not come naturally. You need to teach them to be accepting of each other & to care & love each other. If you do that well it will not matter on the number or gender mix of your kids.

 

[Mummafrog]

I agree with you and others hun, while it is nice to have things planned out it's unlikely to go that way and it's also nice to see where life takes you. As someone else said if you have enough determination to study after you have your family then you will. But I would say that having a loving family is the biggest achievement of them all, don't listen to your mum saying you have not achieved yet If I were you I would just settle myself into enjoying every last moment of growing the family and each new baby until the day that you know your family is complete and it is time for other things.
You don't want to miss the amazing experience of creating the family because you're so busy thinking about the next big stage which will be studying/working
You can have everything you want in time and no one else's opinions matter except yours and your OH's about how you should live and build your lives together