Please help me! My Son's behaviour is getting out of hand.

[PearDrops20]

Hey.

I am honestly at the end of my tether and so fed up!

So my son is 5 years old and in year 1 at school, from around December last year his behaviour at school has just been getting worse and worse, to the point where I have been asked a few times during the week to go and pick him up early (which of course I have done).
There seems to be NO trigger at all though, they have been keeping a close eye on him but he is just like Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde and can snap at any moment, he will scream, kick the chairs, hide under the table, make high pitched noises, pretend to be an animal, run up and down the hallway, not go in after playtime, not do his work, scribble on the table etc. He is normally taken out of the classroom when this happens and taken to the office or medical room to calm down with another member of staff but in the past couple of weeks he has also started to get angry and aggressive towards everyone when it happens. He is on a behaviour chart at school as well but it doesn't seem to make a difference, he has had one week where he got all of his stickers and I thought that maybe we had gotten over the worst of it.
I have tried everything at home in proportion to his behaviour, including taking all of his toys away and him having to earn them back etc however that doesn't seem to have an impact on his school behaviour at all.
He never says he doesn't want to go to school and he always runs in happy, smiles at them at the door and has even given them hugs before going in!
I am going to be going to my GP about it but i'm not sure what they will do as this only happens at school, his behaviour at home is completely different. He will sometimes have a tantrum but that is dealt with and he calms down within a few minutes except today, the last day of term. I was at work until 3pm so my CM picked him up from school, however I had had a voicemail from school asking me to pick him up from the office, I called straight away but the headteacher was busy and had said he would ring me back when able to. I let my CM know that he had obviously had a bad day so it wasn't such a shock and that I would be right over to hers to pick him up. When I got there he had kicked and hit her and screamed at her all the way home and now she is thinking of terminating the contract which I honestly do not blame her for, I have said that I will make other arrangements for next week so they can have a break from having him as she will be on her own with other children in her care as well (luckily today her husband was able to help while she dealt with my son) and i don't want her to have to deal with his behaviour if he kicks off and makes it unsafe! Now I will say while he has had his stubborn moments and tantrums with my CM he has never been violent towards her and I am in shock still that he has done this. She helped me get him in the car and explained that he had been shut in the headteachers office when she went to get him so something had definitely happened but i don't know what as the headteacher never rang me back!
I'm at my wits end! I honestly just don't know what to do anymore and feel like the worst parent in the world at the moment.
I have been trying get an appointment to see the headteacher and the SEND person as well to try and make a plan for when his behaviour gets out of control but that won't happen until they go back after half term.

Any one have any tips or ideas?

 

[noon_child]

That sounds really stressful for you, wondering whether he'll have a bad day or a good day, will you receive a call or not. It's great that you have started the ball rolling with the SENCO but I think you should ask for more than a plan for when he's out of control, you need a plan for stopping him getting out of control, and that means understanding what might be going on inside his head/body.

There are a couple of things that you can start with which don't need school SENCO help. The first is sleep. School is very tiring for children and as it gets less play based in year 1 it gets more tiring. The amount of sleep he got prior to school may not be enough now. How much does he get now and is there any way you can try to increase his sleep? The second is food. Energy is not just used to power our muscles, it also powers our self-control and emotional regulation. If he runs out of energy before the end of the day he'll likely have a meltdown. Imagine adult "hangry" feelings combined with a child's emotions...! So is he eating his dinner at school, does he get a big breakfast containing at least some wholegrains for slow energy release, do they give them a fruit/veg snack (or are you allowed to provide snacks)? The days on which my daughter decides she doesn't like the lunch and only had a tiny breakfast at breakfast club because she wanted to play, she has complete meltdowns at me screaming "I hate you" in to my face. She is normally a placid kind girl who never complains about anything, but she can't deal with the "hangry"! I've found that since providing her with a snack of some carrot stick and dried apricots (she wouldn't eat school fruit as it was either unripe or all bruised) this is much less likely to happen. Water too is important. As we start to feel dehydrated we feel a bit confused, something just seems wrong.

In addition to the physical causes of meltdowns as listed above, it might also be useful to look at how school and home differ and why he feels able to cope at home but not school. At home, what are the expectations you have for his behaviour and what are the consequences? How does he react when asked to do something e.g wash his hands, bring his dirty plate to the sink etc.? How does he react when asked to do something challenging e.g fetch something he can't reach or learn a new skill? And how do you react? Do you do challenging things for him so that he doesn't have to feel upset (I've definitely done this more than I probably should)? Is he allowed to give up if he doesn't want to do something or are there strict punishments, or is it something in between. Do you have successful strategies for encouraging him through challenging events that the school need to know about so they can use them too? What are the sensory differences - noise levels, light levels. How does he cope with change and routine (did he lash out at the CM because he was already completely running on empty and at the last minute when he thought he'd be seeing you he got her instead?). I don't need to know the answers to these questions but they can be useful to ask yourself.

I don't believe what school have said about there being no warning signs, there will definitely be build up, it's just they don't know what they are/notice them. It might be good to seek out some child friendly resources on stress and mindfulness so that your son can recognise his own early signs. Get him used to paying attention to his body - is his jaw clenched or relaxed, has he got a tight throat, how fast is his breathing, how does his tummy feel inside etc? and learn some things to tell his teacher "I'm feeling frustrated - can I go to the reading corner to calm down for a minute?" and if he can't talk when he's like this he can have a card to hold up (these can be agreed in advance with SENCO). I don't believe he is lashing out because he wants to hurt anyone, he's just feeling a stress response and out of "fight, flight or freeze" his response is "fight".

Good luck with everything.

 

[Debi]

Hi Pear Drops,
So sorry you are going through this. I can empathise completely. Your DS's behaviour sounds exactly like my DS who turned 6 in November. He is also generally fine at home (although he has had his moments), however he has real issues at school with listening, following instructions, shouting out and the like. In P1 (so when he had just turned 5) he destroyed the classroom numerous times, threw chairs, and kicked teachers. I have been up at the school sooo many times. It is soul destroying!
This year has been slightly better. The school are getting better at recognising high risk situations like free play/ group work, PE, and working at keeping him calm so we have had less of the major aggressive meltdowns.
The educational psychiatrist has observed him, but there is nothing obvious going on from her perspective.
So anyway, DS has always been a terrible sleeper, waking numerous times at night. Last year in October time someone on Facebook had posted an article about children sleeping with their mouths open and snoring. Now my DS has always snored and rarely breathes through his mouth even when awake. So basically now we have found that he has massive tonsils and adenoids and has obstructive sleep apnea, which causes lack of oxygen to the brain at night and so, much less restorative sleep. This can cause children to behave aggressively and can mimic ADHD symptoms. So now DS is on the waiting list to get them out.
I wonder if this is something you have thought about? I had no idea that snoring/mouth breathing was even an issue until I read that article! Not sure if it is even applicable to you but it is worth a shot in case you haven't ruled it out.
My DS is always worse in the winter because of colds going around making his airway even smaller, so his behaviour at school also started in December.
I really feel for you, I know how difficult it is. I'm here if you need a chat.
Debi xxx