Please help me with my FF guilt

[victoria1987]

Sorry for the novel....
So as a bit of background, I have a 17 month old ds and a brand new little girl born on 13 March. With ds I was determined to bf and it was hell. He had a tongue and lip tie, I had supply issues and could never get a good latch. It was agony, I saw midwives and lactation consultants and pushed through managing to bf for 4 torturous, painful months (always had to supplement though as I could not make enough milk to satisfy him).

Spent my entire pg this time dreading the fact that I would have to bf again soon. Bfing was my biggest fear, I wasn't scared of labour or delivery... just bfing afterward. The pain was unreal last time.

She came on Sunday morning, beautiful delivery everything is perfect. I attempted bfing once again, hoping that with determination, good support and a different baby I would be successful.... nope.

After just one day my nipples where again raw, cracked and bleeding. It was so painful that I had to keep a spare receiving blanket handy to bite down on through the feed to cope with the pain.

On day 2 she started really waking up and wanting to feed constantly and I just couldn't do it. I gave in and bottle fed. It was bliss, she was full and happy and I was not in pain. I continued only FF all yesterday and through the night thinking I would let myself heal and try again when my milk came in.

Milk started coming in last night and I tried to pump. It was agony, ripped open my scabs and all I got after 20 minutes was a few drops of blood stained milk. At that point I realized I really really don't want to bf at all. Yesterday was the first time I have ever enjoyed mothering a newborn as I knew I wasn't just waiting until the next session of agony. I feel like I am a far better mother when FF as I am not frustrated and stressed all the time. I actually enjoy bottle feeding my baby! I realized that for the first time I was excited for my baby to wake up and open her eyes, with ds I was a bag of nerves and my stress went through the roof Everytime he moved or stirred as I knew what was coming. It makes me sad to think I missed out on so much joy with ds because of this.

The issue is the guilt! I'm scared to make that final decision to not try again and with my milk coming in I know I need to decide soon. I'm scared I will regret it once my milk drys up. I feel horrible that I'm "choosing" not to bf my child. I worry about judgements. I feel like I've failed and maybe if I tried harder.... I just need some support as I don't feel like I have anyone I can really talk to about this IRL.

 

[kariss]

Hi
I've just had my first baby and really wanted to bf, I was so looking forward to the bonding experience etc..
After the birth he latched on perfectly..but that was the only time lol after that he would take 3 sucks and slip off meaning he was constantly attempting to suck the nip which left me sore, cracked, bleeding and purple! Lol after less than a week I gave in..I'd cry everytime he cried for a feed, I was stressed, feeling like a failure, worried about what people would say etc...

I felt like a total failure of a mother..and sad that I wouldn't have that special bond. .honestly I really do know how you feel

But weeks on I can look back and see my happy baby boy peacefully sleeping after his lovely bottle. .and I know I made the right decision..we are happy..and that's all that matters. I would rather ff my baby and us both be happy than keep trying to bf and become depressed and not enjoy him as I really believe it would of ended that way.

I sometimes think maybe I should of tried harder or just put up with it..but honestly I don't care anymore. .I have a wonderful bond with my son, I love ff him, he is happy, healthy and enjoying his bottles...no one has said anything about my choice to ff..tbh everyone has been so supportive..not one negative comment.

You know what's best for you and your baby just do what feels right. Don't listen to anyone else..as long as your both ok, that's all that matters. At the end of day, you tried and that's all we can do

 

[Misskitty10]

Please don't feel guilty!!! There is so much pressure from the media and the mums aka breastfeed police!! It makes me so Angry that so many mums including myself at first put themselves and baby through such hell because of them!!!
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/m...Breastfeeding-wars-is-breast-really-best.html This article is very interesting and really reassured me that I was doing the right thing so I hope it helps you!

 

[mbg81]

Please don't feel guilty! I know exactly where your coming from. I never produced enough milk to fully satisfy my baby while she nursed. So I had to pump and I pumped for a whole year. I would only get 5 oz the most from both sides, mostly 3 oz. And I would sit on my couch for 40 minutes at a time pumping. It was absolute torture! It put a strain on my marriage (since I was constantly stressed out) and I feel like a have missed a lot of bonding time with my daughter because of this. My life and thoughts revolved around the next feeding time. I was always extremely anxious when she would start to wake up. Even though my daughter never had formula, she is a late talker (almost 2.6 and still low on her vocabulary) and extremely picky eater. I have friends who fed formula and their kids, same age as mine, are way ahead of my daughter. So sometimes I wonder if my pumping was even worth it. I am soon due with my son and I do plan to breastfeed and I hope that I have a good supply but there is no way i am going through that again. So please don't feel guilty, do what's best for you and your baby and your the only one who knows that.

 

[Redhead84]

Answer these questions:

1) is your baby fed?
2) is your baby happy?
3) is mummy happier not being in pain and having a baby who is not hungry?

If you answer yes to all three then stop worrying and get on with enjoying your family. It is just not worth it the upset.

I have bottles in my hospital bag this time as bf was such an awful experience first time around. I do not feel guilty, I am not a bad mum for doing what is best for my whole family and neither should you feel that way.

Oh and bugger everyone else.

 

[ChickenMommy]

So many hugs! Ive been there, twice, and Im about to be back there come fall. I have one thing that I want you to remember..


FED IS BEST. Plain and simple. A fed baby is all that matters. A happy baby with a happy mommy is what matters.

I never produced any milk with baby #1. Produced 10ml MAX combined every 2 hours with baby #2. Im hoping baby #3 will be a little better, but it sucks when your body fails you. I beat myself up over it so much with #2 because I was trying EVERYTHING I was supposed to try. 30 fenugreek a day. Lactation cookies. Encapsulated placenta. My son was a total boob baby and was latched almost constantly. When he wasnt, I would pump. Nothing helped.

I have since found out that my insulin resistance (pcos) can have a super negative effect on your milk supply. Coupled with a TON of other things. So Im taking the time while Im pregnant to get EVERYTHING tested and see if I cant narrow down the reason for my micro supply and make any adjustments to hopefully help this time around.

But at the end of the day, I know we will most likely need to use formula. The depression I put myself into last time around isnt worth it. I was miserable. My family was miserable. Its not worth it. Fed is best.

Fed is best.

 

[RainbowDrop_x]

Sorry for the novel....
So as a bit of background, I have a 17 month old ds and a brand new little girl born on 13 March. With ds I was determined to bf and it was hell. He had a tongue and lip tie, I had supply issues and could never get a good latch. It was agony, I saw midwives and lactation consultants and pushed through managing to bf for 4 torturous, painful months (always had to supplement though as I could not make enough milk to satisfy him).

Spent my entire pg this time dreading the fact that I would have to bf again soon. Bfing was my biggest fear, I wasn't scared of labour or delivery... just bfing afterward. The pain was unreal last time.

She came on Sunday morning, beautiful delivery everything is perfect. I attempted bfing once again, hoping that with determination, good support and a different baby I would be successful.... nope.

After just one day my nipples where again raw, cracked and bleeding. It was so painful that I had to keep a spare receiving blanket handy to bite down on through the feed to cope with the pain.

On day 2 she started really waking up and wanting to feed constantly and I just couldn't do it. I gave in and bottle fed. It was bliss, she was full and happy and I was not in pain. I continued only FF all yesterday and through the night thinking I would let myself heal and try again when my milk came in.

Milk started coming in last night and I tried to pump. It was agony, ripped open my scabs and all I got after 20 minutes was a few drops of blood stained milk. At that point I realized I really really don't want to bf at all. Yesterday was the first time I have ever enjoyed mothering a newborn as I knew I wasn't just waiting until the next session of agony. I feel like I am a far better mother when FF as I am not frustrated and stressed all the time. I actually enjoy bottle feeding my baby! I realized that for the first time I was excited for my baby to wake up and open her eyes, with ds I was a bag of nerves and my stress went through the roof Everytime he moved or stirred as I knew what was coming. It makes me sad to think I missed out on so much joy with ds because of this.

The issue is the guilt! I'm scared to make that final decision to not try again and with my milk coming in I know I need to decide soon. I'm scared I will regret it once my milk drys up. I feel horrible that I'm "choosing" not to bf my child. I worry about judgements. I feel like I've failed and maybe if I tried harder.... I just need some support as I don't feel like I have anyone I can really talk to about this IRL.

Re-read the bold. You have nothing to feel guilty for

 

[Quartz]

Can I be honest I dont think there is such a thing really as breastfeeding police and judgemental people (with a few exceptions), no one has the right to judge any decision that you make. The only person that judges you is you. As such it effects how you perceive everything and you see judgement where there is none. Mums are guilty of this all the time.

You need to make the best decision for you and that is all you can do. That is the decision that is best.

 

[button05]

Your baby is fed. Your baby is happy. You are happy when the above two points are fulfilled. Please don't feel guilty!

 

[laurac1988]

You are doing a great job, mama. Fed is best xx

 

[Sqwidge]

echoing what everyone else has said! if baby is fed and happy then there is nothing to feel guilty about xx

 

[blueblue]

Please don't feel guilty, you have to do what is right for you and your family. Bf is so hard and so many ladies I have met have struggled - from not latching, painful latching, low milk supply, milk that never comes in at all due to c-sections/fertility treatment etc. I expressed for ten weeks as my LO wouldn't latch at first due to being tiny/emcs/neonatal and it was miserable, I spent all my time attached to a pump, had a low milk supply and really missed out on my little girl's first few weeks. I was very lucky in getting her to latch and have ended up combi feeding, but having been on both sides, I really think bf is only bonding if it works for you - if it's painful or difficult, it is an awful experience. Bottle feeding can be bonding too - I really enjoyed gazing into her eyes and smiling, it was a lovely experience. A friend had a similar situation with her little girl not latching properly and finding expressing really tough, she switched to FF and is getting on much better now. Echoing what everyone else saying, fed is best and there is nothing wrong with formula feeding x

 

[blueblue]

PS, the Fearless Formula Feeder is a great blog to read: https://www.fearlessformulafeeder.com/

If you do decide to bf at all, it might be better to use formula too so you can get a rest and to help stop latching becoming too sore, I have found bf/bf with top ups in afternoon and then ff at night really helps stop my soreness (LO still doesn't have the best latch and I'm still using Lansinoh cream months after you are supposed to not need it anymore) x

 

[jenfreer32191]

You sound like a great Mama who is extremely concerned with the well being of her little ones. I'm a huge breastfeeding advocate and am really happy I could breastfeed my son for a while, and I still think you're just as good as any breastfeeding mom! You know what your babies need more than anything else? A happy, healthy, and SANE Mommy! If you're a ball of stress and pain you're not going to be the best you can be. & being at your best for your kids should always be the main concern. So I say, if it's causing you a great deal of pain and stress, there is NO shame in formula feeding! Your babies can still be happy and healthy formula feeders. I got pregnant when my little guy was just five months, and I now have him fully weaned on to formula at 10 months. No, this was not my plan. I was ready to fully breastfeed beyond a year, but I was lethargic and he was waking me up to nurse every couple hours. As a pregnant woman that became a no-no! Now that he's formula fed he sleeps wonderfully through the night. I say kudos for giving it all you could and enduring the pain twice! So really there is nothing to feel guilty about.

 

[jenfreer32191]

You sound like a great Mama who is extremely concerned with the well being of her little ones. I'm a huge breastfeeding advocate and am really happy I could breastfeed my son for a while, and I still think you're just as good as any breastfeeding mom! You know what your babies need more than anything else? A happy, healthy, and SANE Mommy! If you're a ball of stress and pain you're not going to be the best you can be. & being at your best for your kids should always be the main concern. So I say, if it's causing you a great deal of pain and stress, there is NO shame in formula feeding! Your babies can still be happy and healthy formula feeders. I got pregnant when my little guy was just five months, and I now have him fully weaned on to formula at 10 months. No, this was not my plan. I was ready to fully breastfeed beyond a year, but I was lethargic and he was waking me up to nurse every couple hours. As a pregnant woman that became a no-no! Now that he's formula fed he sleeps wonderfully through the night. I say kudos for giving it all you could and enduring the pain twice! So really there is nothing to feel guilty about.

 

[justplay91]

I'm gonna be real here. I "failed" to breastfeed my son, so like you I was determined to succeed with my next baby. She's four months old, and we actually have succeeded, but honestly? It's no different. In fact, my bond with my son was much stronger at this point. He's now happy, healthy, and very smart. We're so very, very close. I'm sure my daughter and I will be very close too, but breastfeeding or formula feeding hasn't made any difference to us. The only thing I prefer about breastfeeding is the lack of having to buy expensive formula! It is a great bonding time for me and my daughter, but bottle feeding can be just as good. Really. Don't feel bad. If my nipple pain had been half as bad as yours sounds, I wouldn't have hesitated to switch to formula either. Best of luck to you and your baby!

 

[jessmke]

I always hear about the "special bond" people feel when they breastfeed their babies, and to be honest I haven't felt it. I have been exclusively breastfeeding my daughter for the last 4 months and although I don't mind feeding her at all, I don't especially love it. I feel very neutral when I am feeding her and I really don't think I would feel any different if I was bottle feeding her. She is hungry so I feed her, that is all there is to it for me. So don't beat yourself up about FF your little one because even if you were breastfeeding it may not feel any different than bottle feeding. Your little one is fed and you are both happy and healthy and that is what matters.